A Visit with Mom

I haven't talked about Mom in a while. It is just such a depressing topic for me that sometimes even talking about it makes  me down. How could it not, honestly. 


I saw Mom for the first time in a few weeks (major guilt bad daughter syndrome there) on Sunday and it was tough. She was chattering her teeth so loudly that I could hear it from 8 feet away. She has been sick with pneumonia so they have her inclined on the bed and they have been suctioning out fluid and phlegm via a patch in her neck. 


It was so hard to see. She is suffering. I pulled my chair to get as close to her as I could. I started to rub her hand, which calmed the chattering a bit. I tried to talk to her. Telling it was OK to let go. 


I had a conversation with Dad the other night about the letting go thing. He also told me that he had told her that it was OK to let go. She is so drugged that she doesn't move much any more. It controls the uncontrollable muscle movements that being on the Abilify for so long gave her. (Damn those Abilify commercials with "Dementia patients taking Abilify......" gah!) 


She was diagnosed 12 years ago. It has been a long grinding road. This is the second time, since the feeding tube, that she has gotten pneumonia like symptoms and since she no longer goes to the hospital for that type of stuff, maybe that will be what finally finishes it.  She is suffering. She can't talk. She doesn't eat. She can't sit up and even opening her eyes is hard. I just want her to be in a better place and finally to stop suffering. 


The guilt thing is tough. Between the guilt of putting the feeding tube in, which still plagues me and I know is wrong since given our options at the time, and that fact that I can only stay for 30 minutes at the most. It is just too depressing. If I miss a weekend, I feel it. It is overwhelming. If I don't, am I a bad daughter?


Dementia is a horrible disease and to happen to someone as young as my Mother, breaks my heart. It has torn my family apart. 

Silent What?

When I first signed up for Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago, I said that I did not want to know my weight, my gains, my losses, nothing. Please do not tell me. The receptionist said that is fine and she would write SILENT WEIGHT on my booklet and no one would tell me.

Well, tonight, I was not feeling good about the prospect of that number and myself in general. My mind was not in a good place as it frequently isn’t. I did not want to know. I wasn’t going to look.

The receptionist looks at my booklet, when she took it, says “silent weight, hmmm.” I said “yep”. I step on that inanimate object of control. The receptionist says “Wonderful! You lost 1.8.”

I said, “Please do not tell me. I do not want to know. I am trying to do this without dwelling on the number. I am trying to do this healthy, my way.”

“I thought you would want to know about a loss.”

What does SILENT WEIGHT mean? I am going to write it more on the inside. PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME. If I can handle it, I will look. That means the good, the bad, the wonderful and the ugly.

So now I know. I am dwelling. I hate it.

I hate it all.

Why do I do this? As if this helps? I know 100% times better. I know. I will not be successful unless I can beat this. I have lost 100 pounds several times only to feel WORSE about myself. I have spent a lot of money in therapy and I still can not shut this part of my brain off at times. I feel like a failure in the depression/anxiety therapy department. It is much better than before but certain behavior just encourages it and weight loss is one of them.

Blah!

What can I say?

I was devastated. Physically sick.

There is always next year.

There was a somber note all over Boston this morning. I certainly participated.

Life goes on. My Sunday afternoons are free now. I signed up for a sewing class starting next week.

Actually, I am looking forward to my life slowing down soon. It is either sink or swim for me lately. I need a happy medium of activities and down time. It goes from one extreme to the other. I am busy but yet I feel so alone. I could be in a crowded room and yet feel alone. One reason why I hate this time of year. Spring can’t get here soon enough.

Friday Happiness: I Feel Fine

In honor of me seeing my good college friend for the first time in forever last week, I am bring back two REM songs from way back that make me want to spin around and jump.

With all this crazy stuff happening, it is the end of the world and I do feel fine:

I always feel the need to dance to Radio Free Europe:

I do find it weird that the music I used to love in college and even 15 years ago is considered oldies. I still love it though. It brings back memories of all the fun times in college.

Groundhog Weather Rodents

I am here! Sort of.

I need a vacation of some sort.

I saw that rodent saw his shadow today. How anyone can think that this can predict the weather is beyond me. I know the story behind the tradition. Yet, there are conflicting groundhogs. Make up your mind rodents!

  Image

Either way, there are six weeks of winter left anyways. It is a hard time of the year for me to get through. The long endless days of blahness are ahead. There are no holidays to look forward too until Memorial Day at the end of May. I can feel myself getting into the midwinter funk and I need to stop it.

In other news, I am withdrew my name from weight loss surgery. I can’t do it. I can’t. I went back to Weight Watchers. I lost 1.4 pounds my first week after traveling, pizza, being sick, a 3 course brunch and such. I had them write “SILENT WEIGH IN” on my booklet so they will not tell me either way and I will only look if I am feeling mentally up to it. I am trying not to dwell too much on it. I have been way way way too obsessed with it in the past and I want to do this healthy. My weigh in day is Tuesday.

I do like the new WW system. My eating has changed. I am not eating as much. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Time will tell.

Thank You Mucinex

Every time I sniffle or grab that tissue, I think of your commercial with the Mucus family.

I think of Mr. and Mrs. Mucus taking up residence in my lungs.

Given the amount of tissues I have gone through, there must be a whole nation down there. I just want this image to go away. Mucus should not have a persona.

Whirlwind Weekend

It was bound to happen at some point. I am sick. I survived my crazy weekend only to be felled by a nasty cold. Rather then go on and on here is my weekend in pictures:

The hotel room in Chicago at the Allegro Hotel:

Meeting up with a good friend that I have not seen in 17 years! Far too long!

Discovering Chicago Pizza at Giordano’s. It was spinach, Italian sausage and onion.

Going to the wedding party for a good friend in New Hampshire on Saturday. Congratulations!

They had a crazy balloon artist at the party, who was a lot of fun.

He made me a kitty ring.

I am off to take more Sudafed and whine about being sick.