Well, I finally got that kick in the ass that is probably best for me.
Yesterday at work, I found out that, due to reorganization, my job is going away. My last day will be July 24th.
While I do not talk about work very often here, I do maybe allude to how unhappy that I am with my life in general and my work life in particular.
This is my chance.
No more worrying about my first step. Here it is.
I am going to get down into the job search once I get back from the cruise next week.
Those thoughts that pounded in my head last night, continued to grow and multiply today.
I know I am majorly self critical. Most of the time I am wrong. I have spent many hours, lots of money, taken drugs, gone to therapy and have been aware of my issues for a while yet they still lurk in the dark recesses of my brain and when I am down, they come out.
And come out they did.
The trigger was stepping on the scale for this work thing. We have to earn points and those points determine how much we pay for health insurance. They are looking for you to lose weight, be wonderful, etc. I stepped on the scale feeling pretty horrible. I should not have looked but I did.
I gained weight.
I know it is probably from sore muscles and miscellaneous horrible stomach pains I have been having. I know I should not beat myself over it. It is just a number.
It is just a number.
It is just a number.
But it isn’t.
I would be lying if I thought that. That number tells whether or not I am a failure, how unlovable, how worthless that I really feel deep down inside.
People tell me that I am worthy and deserving of love. That I am not a failure. No matter how many times I tell myself they are right, I do not believe them.
Tomorrow I may feel different. Tonight, I am just not feeling myself.
