Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Clearing My Mind

The first thing I did when I got home from work yesterday was put on the exercise clothes and put Bailey in his harness and get out there. I put the music on high and walked. 

There is a huge field near my house that has a main entrance way but I noticed that there was a train next to it and I followed it. 

Walking gives me time clear my mind and walking with music shuts up my loud brain.  I do not know why I took that letter I got yesterday so badly.  

When my guy got off work later that night, I talked to him about it and he re-framed it for me. He told me that it was not a bad thing. As a singer songwriter, if he had submitted music to a death metal label and got a letter that it was not a good fit, it would be exactly that, not some critique on my music.

He talked me down from the ledge and this morning, I woke up feeling a lot better. I teeter so much on that line of rational/irrational (at times) that one little thing triggers a cross. 

This blog is going no where in the meantime.  

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Just Not Good Enough

Today is one of those days. 

I got a nice "you do not fit in" letter from my blog and rejection from other sources in my life. That "good enough" line was crossed. I always teeter on the high and low self esteem line but lately, I spend more time on the low end of the spectrum. Honestly, I would hide in my corner and cry but that is not productive at all. 

I am 40, single, never married, no kids and don't own a house. Sometimes in the blogging world, I just feel like one of those freaks that does not fit in. I am not a Mom. I write about deep down stuff. Stuff that would stay in my mind and in therapy sessions, if I did not write about it. I am afraid I make people sad when they read my blog and that will never really grow my blog. 

I have been blogging a while and I am not sure where to go with this blog. I am honest, perhaps too honest. I thought if I wrote about my battle with depression and anxiety, I would actually help people but it is big wide world but sometimes I just feel like I am floundering out there with no real purpose. 

I am not stopping my blog but at a crossroads. I signed up to go to Blogher this year hoping it might help. I am not sure where I should go at this fork in the road.