Losing the Shadow Behind Me

Friday Happiness: Uplifting

2012-02-10T15:46:00.000-05:00

I love this song!. This is Stephen Kellogg singing "Watch You Grow." Don't worry what people say!

Here are some more things that make me happy:

Animals. I could look at pictures of baby and cute animals all day. I could snuggle with Boots, when he is not chewing cords and be quite contented.
High tea. Tomorrow I am going to one. My Irish/Scottish/English immigrant relatives must be turning over in their graves. Didn't they come here to leave that stuff behind? I guess not.
Music. It totally relaxes me. It soothed my Mom. It soothes me.
Acceptance. Whether it be accepting me as I am or someone who is different then you as they are, it makes me happy. I hate when people hate because of a different political opinion,sexual orientation, because of red hair or whatever. Period. Hate me because my personality conflicts with yours not because I am a Catholic, exploring some things, politically independent and redheaded Boston gal of Irish/Scottish/Italian heritage.
I did not go through with suicide 12 years ago. Somewhere deep inside me, I thought that I was worth it.
It is Friday!

What makes you happy this Friday?

A Visit with Mom

2012-02-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked about Mom in a while. It is just such a depressing topic for me that sometimes even talking about it makes me down. How could it not, honestly.

I saw Mom for the first time in a few weeks (major guilt bad daughter syndrome there) on Sunday and it was tough. She was chattering her teeth so loudly that I could hear it from 8 feet away. She has been sick with pneumonia so they have her inclined on the bed and they have been suctioning out fluid and phlegm via a patch in her neck.

It was so hard to see. She is suffering. I pulled my chair to get as close to her as I could. I started to rub her hand, which calmed the chattering a bit. I tried to talk to her. Telling it was OK to let go.

I had a conversation with Dad the other night about the letting go thing. He also told me that he had told her that it was OK to let go. She is so drugged that she doesn't move much any more. It controls the uncontrollable muscle movements that being on the Abilify for so long gave her. (Damn those Abilify commercials with "Dementia patients taking Abilify......" gah!)

She was diagnosed 12 years ago. It has been a long grinding road. This is the second time, since the feeding tube, that she has gotten pneumonia like symptoms and since she no longer goes to the hospital for that type of stuff, maybe that will be what finally finishes it. She is suffering. She can't talk. She doesn't eat. She can't sit up and even opening her eyes is hard. I just want her to be in a better place and finally to stop suffering.

The guilt thing is tough. Between the guilt of putting the feeding tube in, which still plagues me and I know is wrong since given our options at the time, and that fact that I can only stay for 30 minutes at the most. It is just too depressing. If I miss a weekend, I feel it. It is overwhelming. If I don't, am I a bad daughter?

Dementia is a horrible disease and to happen to someone as young as my Mother, breaks my heart. It has torn my family apart.

Silent What?

2012-02-07T21:19:00.001-05:00

When I first signed up for Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago, I said that I did not want to know my weight, my gains, my losses, nothing. Please do not tell me. The receptionist said that is fine and she would write SILENT WEIGHT on my booklet and no one would tell me.

Well, tonight, I was not feeling good about the prospect of that number and myself in general. My mind was not in a good place as it frequently isn’t. I did not want to know. I wasn’t going to look.

The receptionist looks at my booklet, when she took it, says “silent weight, hmmm.” I said “yep”. I step on that inanimate object of control. The receptionist says “Wonderful! You lost 1.8.”

I said, “Please do not tell me. I do not want to know. I am trying to do this without dwelling on the number. I am trying to do this healthy, my way.”

“I thought you would want to know about a loss.”

What does SILENT WEIGHT mean? I am going to write it more on the inside. PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME. If I can handle it, I will look. That means the good, the bad, the wonderful and the ugly.

So now I know. I am dwelling. I hate it.

I hate it all.

Why do I do this? As if this helps? I know 100% times better. I know. I will not be successful unless I can beat this. I have lost 100 pounds several times only to feel WORSE about myself. I have spent a lot of money in therapy and I still can not shut this part of my brain off at times. I feel like a failure in the depression/anxiety therapy department. It is much better than before but certain behavior just encourages it and weight loss is one of them.

Blah!

2012-02-06T20:22:00.001-05:00

What can I say?

I was devastated. Physically sick.

There is always next year.

There was a somber note all over Boston this morning. I certainly participated.

Life goes on. My Sunday afternoons are free now. I signed up for a sewing class starting next week.

Actually, I am looking forward to my life slowing down soon. It is either sink or swim for me lately. I need a happy medium of activities and down time. It goes from one extreme to the other. I am busy but yet I feel so alone. I could be in a crowded room and yet feel alone. One reason why I hate this time of year. Spring can’t get here soon enough.

Friday Happiness: I Feel Fine

2012-02-03T23:51:00.001-05:00

In honor of me seeing my good college friend for the first time in forever last week, I am bring back two REM songs from way back that make me want to spin around and jump.

With all this crazy stuff happening, it is the end of the world and I do feel fine:

I always feel the need to dance to Radio Free Europe:

I do find it weird that the music I used to love in college and even 15 years ago is considered oldies. I still love it though. It brings back memories of all the fun times in college.

Groundhog Weather Rodents

2012-02-02T21:33:00.001-05:00

I am here! Sort of.

I need a vacation of some sort.

I saw that rodent saw his shadow today. How anyone can think that this can predict the weather is beyond me. I know the story behind the tradition. Yet, there are conflicting groundhogs. Make up your mind rodents!

Image

Either way, there are six weeks of winter left anyways. It is a hard time of the year for me to get through. The long endless days of blahness are ahead. There are no holidays to look forward too until Memorial Day at the end of May. I can feel myself getting into the midwinter funk and I need to stop it.

In other news, I am withdrew my name from weight loss surgery. I can’t do it. I can’t. I went back to Weight Watchers. I lost 1.4 pounds my first week after traveling, pizza, being sick, a 3 course brunch and such. I had them write “SILENT WEIGH IN” on my booklet so they will not tell me either way and I will only look if I am feeling mentally up to it. I am trying not to dwell too much on it. I have been way way way too obsessed with it in the past and I want to do this healthy. My weigh in day is Tuesday.

I do like the new WW system. My eating has changed. I am not eating as much. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Time will tell.

Thank You Mucinex

2012-01-31T20:30:00.001-05:00

Every time I sniffle or grab that tissue, I think of your commercial with the Mucus family.

I think of Mr. and Mrs. Mucus taking up residence in my lungs.

Given the amount of tissues I have gone through, there must be a whole nation down there. I just want this image to go away. Mucus should not have a persona.

Whirlwind Weekend

2012-01-30T20:01:00.001-05:00

It was bound to happen at some point. I am sick. I survived my crazy weekend only to be felled by a nasty cold. Rather then go on and on here is my weekend in pictures:

The hotel room in Chicago at the Allegro Hotel:

Meeting up with a good friend that I have not seen in 17 years! Far too long!

Discovering Chicago Pizza at Giordano’s. It was spinach, Italian sausage and onion.

Going to the wedding party for a good friend in New Hampshire on Saturday. Congratulations!

They had a crazy balloon artist at the party, who was a lot of fun.

He made me a kitty ring.

I am off to take more Sudafed and whine about being sick.

The Beginning

2012-01-26T22:04:00.001-05:00

I am in Chicago.

My crazy crazy weekend has begun.

I have my work meeting tomorrow then seeing my old friend tomorrow night. I fly out Saturday morning then drive to northern New Hampshire for a wedding party. I am staying up there Saturday night but Sunday morning I am going to brunch in downtown Boston.

I may need a day off after this weekend!

I still feel like I am in a bit of a funk but it may be the head ache I have. Why does my mood have to be so up and down?

I am getting to bed early tonight.

Mirror Mirror

2012-01-24T20:49:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to curl up under my desk at work today. Retreat home and just get under the covers to forget the day ever happened.

I am not sure what happened to bring this on. I looked into the mirror and hated what stared out at me. That should have been the first clue. I even took care today in dressing up, wearing a skirt, tights, doing up my hair, even wearing make up, to hide what I saw but it did not work. I knew what was underneath and I wanted to put a stop to it.

Just goes to show that my demons are never really gone. They pop in for a visit now and then. Like the elementary school bully that stopped focusing on me only to “discover” me again a week later.

Tomorrow is another day.

Going Way Back!

2012-01-23T20:33:00.001-05:00

I will be here this week:

I am going for a work meeting but what is awesome about this visit is that I am visiting a good friend from my days at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois that I haven’t seen in about 17 years! I am wicked excited! I reconnected with her over Facebook, one thing it is good for, and when she found out I would be close by, it was decided. We must get together.

To add to this excitement, I found out I was the grand prize winner in the 6 Weeks of Bliss blogging challenge put on by Bliss.com by Glam Media. If you are a health and wellness blogger like myself, you should join their blogging network.

High Anxiety

2012-01-22T20:00:00.001-05:00

Oh My Goodness.

The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl.

I have said before how I get wicked nervous. I sometimes think if I watch they will lose. I know, silly. That I get so nervous during big games. When the Patriots played the Rams, I could hardly breathe after the game and after breathing into a paper bag, Dad thought to give me his C-Pap to give me oxygen! He even talked of taking me to the hospital. I continued to breathe into the paper bag and slowly became normal again.

Most of my anxiety is generally related to my family or my opinions of myself but some is some irrational fears of watching the Patriots, specifically them. I have none of the same qualms watching the Bruins or any other games. I am not sure why. I fear that MY watching will bring bad luck specifically. That I will somehow ruin things.

I usually watch the games alone so I can hide under a pillow or blanket if the situation warrants. No one will tell me that I am being to serious. (Not so Secret Sister, I am looking at you.)

I know it is silly. I know. I know. It is irrational.

The only person who really knows of this fear of mine is Dad. He tells me not to worry about it and he has told me since I was a little girl listening to the game with him over the radio because the Patriots were blacked out.

I am kind of embarrassed to admit it but if I am to face it, I will face it here.

Maybe I should pledge to watch the Super Bowl with others this year.

Blissfully Me with Friday Happiness

2012-01-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

How do I infuse myself into this blog?

This blog is about me. My quirks. My ups and downs. My forwards and backwards. My craziness and moments of clarity. Anything and most everything.

I like to think I am a little different than the norm and I am not afraid to show it.

Here are 5 things you might or might not know about me:

1. I drink about 5 cups of coffee every day and I could go to bed right after. You will have to pry it out of my cold dead hands though.

2. I am known to think that most things are better with Heinz ketchup.

3. Green is truly my favorite color and my wardrobe shows it.

4. I think I am going to fly into Portland and drive to Boise in June. I love love love road trips. Will I drive by your area?

5. I once thought of getting Italian citizenship as well as my American citizenship but decided against it. I don't speak Italian and my grandparents left there, gave up their Italian citizenship not for me to go get it back.

I came across this song from Matisyahu yesterday driving to work.He is a Hasidic Jewish reggae and alternative rock musician and he has this happy bubbly song that I wanted to share with you:

In my searching for the song, I found out it is a Hanukkah song but it does not sound like it to me and it made me happy anyways so it is my happy song of the week.

I got a call from the past today. Irish guy called me at work, out of the blue. I didn't even know it was him at first. He said he saw me in downtown Boston the other day but I was not paying attention to him beeping at me, typical, so he found my business card and called. I am not sure how I feel about this. We left on not so good terms.

I Interrupt My Musings….

2012-01-18T19:27:00.001-05:00

Do you want to see my happy song of the week or a review of a movie or a YouTube video of a dancing baby with music in the background? Yes, then listen to this:

PROTECT IP / SOPA Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

Please contact your representatives in Congress and tell them to oppose SOPA and PIPA. If you want to see if your representative has already come out for or against it, check this website from ProPublica.org.

The only representative from my state, Massachusetts, that has come out either way is Senator Scott Brown. What about my other representatives, Senator John Kerry and Congressman William Keating, where are your voices on this important issue?

Topamax Times

2012-01-17T20:23:00.001-05:00

I had a doctor’s appointment by coincidence today and the doctor decided to double my Topamax prescription from 25mgs to 50mgs.

If you aren’t familiar with Topamax, it is an anti-seizure medicine that is also used in the prevention of migraines.

It is one of those medicines that has a list of side effects and warnings that is a mile long.

Just for medicines you should be careful with:

Be sure to mention any of the following: acetazolamide (Diamox); amitriptyline; antidepressants; antihistamines; dichlorphenamide (Daranide); digoxin (Lanoxin, Digitek); hydrochlorothiazide (Microzide, Oretic); ipratropium (Atrovent); iron; isoniazid (INH, Nydrazid); lithium (Eskalith, Lithobid); medications for anxiety, irritable bowel disease, mental illness, motion sickness, Parkinson's disease, ulcers, or urinary problems; metformin (Glucophage); methazolamide; hormonal contraceptives (birth control pills, patches, rings, implants, or injections); other medications for seizures such as carbamazepine (Tegretol) and phenytoin (Dilantin, Phenytek); pioglitazone (Actos); risperidone (Risperdal); salicylate pain relievers such as aspirin, choline magnesium trisalicylate (Trisalate), choline salicylate (Arthropan), diflunisal (Dolobid), magnesium salicylate (Doan's, others), and salsalate (Argesic, Disalcid, Salgesic); sedatives; sleeping pills; tranquilizers; valproic acid (Depakene, Depakote); and zonisamide (Zonegran). Your doctor may need to change the doses of your medications or monitor you carefully for side effects.

The highlight ones are ones I take.

This side effect makes me a little nervous:

you should know that your mental health may change in unexpected ways and you may become suicidal (thinking about harming or killing yourself or planning or trying to do so) while you are taking topiramate for the treatment of epilepsy, mental illness, or other conditions.

Oh goody! Here’s some more wonderful side effects:

numbness, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
slowed reactions
difficulty concentrating
speech problems, especially difficulty thinking of specific words
memory problems
lack of coordination
confusion
nervousness
aggressive behavior
irritability
mood swings
depression
headache
drowsiness
weakness
excessive movement
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
uncontrollable eye movements
extreme thirst
weight loss
constipation
diarrhea
gas
heartburn
change in ability to taste food
swelling of the tongue
overgrowth of the gums
dry mouth
increased saliva
trouble swallowing
nosebleed
teary or dry eyes
back, muscle, or bone pain
missed menstrual periods
excessive menstrual bleeding
skin problems or changes in skin color
dandruff
hair loss
growth of hair in unusual places
ringing in the ears
difficulty falling or staying asleep
swelling of the hands, arms, feet, ankles, or lower legs
difficulty urinating or pain when urinating

Ugh. I did not have many bad side effects with 25mgs. Let’s hope that it continues to be that way. I take it before bed. It fascinates me that all of this can come from 1 little pill.

All of my information came from the US National Library of Medicine’s page on topiramate.

Lazy Monday

2012-01-16T17:38:00.001-05:00

Today lived up to my expectation. I lounged around until 2. I woke up with the migraine still there. I am totally happy that today is a holiday because I needed it.

I did take a shower and go out to get dish soap so they day was not all full of nothingness.

Sometimes you just need a nothingness day. I have a busy couple of weeks culminating in one crazy weekend at the end of the month that involves Chicago, a wedding party in New Hampshire and a brunch for the food bank. I may need a vacation after that.

My Friskyscope this week is intriguing:

Hold off on making any long-terms plans now, as this week life will start to shift in a way that can throw you for a loop. Not to say it’ll be bad, but things you experience now can give you a different point of view, making you see that the options you once thought were not so good might be way more appealing that suspected.

I could totally use a loop. I have been feeling rather stuck and I need to break out.

Tonight, I am going to relax and watch Alcatraz. I know, a LOST fan, that they hype around this new show is crazy but I was such a fan of Hurley on LOST that I must watch. Though I am reluctant to get into another LOST like program but I will. It is a 2 hour premiere tonight and the couch is calling.

Migraine Blues

2012-01-15T22:05:00.001-05:00

It has been a quiet day today. I had plans but I had a bad migraine so I spent a good portion of the day napping. That is what happens when I get to bed late and wake up early. I was so pumped up from the Patriot’s game on Saturday night that I had trouble falling asleep and I had to be up early.

I can sleep in tomorrow and I may really sleep in.

I haven’t had a migraine like today’s in a long time. I have been spoiled with it I guess. I used to get them at least twice a week and could deal with it better. I didn’t want to move today at all.

I am going to take a pain med, make some tea and just chill out tonight.

Long holiday weekends are good.

Moving Bliss

2012-01-13T18:54:00.001-05:00

Two posts in a day! Wow!

This is week 5 of the 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge. How do you get a little exercise into your day when you are insanely busy? I have not been good with that lately but I am trying.

I try to round up my sneakers and get a little walking in.

I walk to the T. I get off a stop early and walk the rest of the way. I park a little further away. I take the stairs if I can.

Today, any walking outdoors takes an extra effort. That wind is kicking outside. The wind gusts were up to 40 miles per hour. Walking between the high rises at work today was a challenge.

How do you get moving when you are busy? I could use a tip or two lately.

Friday Happiness: Long Weekends

2012-01-13T18:36:00.001-05:00

I have a couple of things to be happy about this weekend.

It is a long holiday weekend, my last until Memorial Day weekend. Hopefully, you also have a long weekend, if you are in the USA.

I will be relaxing with some Grimm tonight and Cupcake Riesling.

I heard this song tonight on the way home from work and I really like it. Puts me in a weekend mood.

I found out by looking for the video that this song is a Glee song but this is not the Glee version but the original. I don’t watch Glee and I knew nothing about it.

Finally, Go Patriots!

It Will Not Solve Me

2012-01-12T20:37:00.001-05:00

via pintrest

I read an article on Psych Central’s Weightless blog called Why Weight-loss & Diet Commercials Are Dangerous that I just had to talk about tonight.

I totally agree with it 100% and I will tell you why.

I have been overweight most of my life. I was always told by supposedly well-meaning people that life would be so much better when I lost weight. That if I lost weight it was the BEST THING I COULD DO FOR MYSELF.

More important than having a family?

More important than being loved?

More important than winning an Oscar?

I had thought once that losing the weight would make things perfect. It would get rid of my depression. It would solve everything! I would be happy and someone would love me and I would live happily ever after.

It did not happen that way as almost 4 years of blogging about depression have shown me. In some ways it made me feel worse about myself. I never lived up to my high expectations of myself and shamed myself at my “lack of self control”.

Being at a healthy weight would be good for me health wise but I am so much more then what a commercial would tell would tell me that I should feel about the process of losing weight. I am not going to be Janet Jackson when I lose weight.

I want to be known as a good person. I want to be known as smart, funny, friendly, anything but pointing out my faults.

I am going to lose my weight the healthy way. I am going to take care of myself because I deserve it. It will not cure Mom. It will not cure my deep issues.

My life is not going to be perfect or solve my problems when I lose weight. I wish advertisers would just stop trying to make me think that I only need weight loss to save me.

My life is more than weight-loss and being fat.

A hippo? No a Cookie.

2012-01-10T20:04:00.001-05:00

Cute cookies? Hippopotamus shaped? Yes!

I have never seen these before. I got a box of them in a gift basket for Christmas.

While the hazelnut flavor was a little too sweet, I liked them. I have never seen the Kinder Happy Hippos in the grocery stores but I will have to look in the “food of the world” aisle a little more closely. I had to take a picture since they are too cute.

Any interesting finds lately?

Go West Young Lady

2012-01-09T19:59:00.001-05:00

My mind is on vacations.

I want to check out Portland, Oregon and Boise, Idaho. Boise is one of the cities that I think I might like to live in. My friend said that I should look at Idaho Falls or Pocatello as well.

It is substantially cheaper to fly into Portland then fly to Boise from Boston, so I will visit there for a few days.

So far the top places I would like to live in is Denver but the country is big and I have never been.

Not so Secret Sister wants to move to Texas someday and I might go down for a weekend with her to check it out.

I imagine that both places are very different than Boston.

I have Bloggy Boot Camp in Philadelphia. Then there is Blogher in New York. It will be my 3rd year going.

Do you have any travel plans this year?

5 Things: First Full 2012 Weekend

2012-01-08T19:35:00.001-05:00

It was a slow weekend and that is okay with me because I have a wicked busy month ahead of me.

1. I started to knit again.

I spend Saturday knitting with a friend and I will be knitting during Downton Manor tonight.

2. I did not have any of these.

Pre-weekend, maybe.

3. Someone was very clingy this weekend.

4. I enjoyed a good breakfast Sunday.

It included Johnny cakes, bacon and lots of coffee at Kristin’s Breakfast & Lunch in Braintree. If you in the area, Kristin’s is a great place to grab breakfast on Rt. 37. Yum!

5. I need a few more days of the weekend.

Don’t you?

Friday Happiness: Sports

2012-01-06T22:34:00.001-05:00

The playoffs begin this weekend. Everyone is a buzz about who is going to win the Wild Card games this weekend.

I can watch some nice relaxing football because my team, the Patriots, have a bye week. There will be no nervously hiding in the pillow, biting my nails, closing my eyes, praying, generally nervous nausea over Patriot’s playoff games this week. I can sit back and watch my favorite sport and while I have preferences, not really care who wins.

Plus, the Bruins are on a tear this week. They beat the New Jersey Devils 6-1 and then beat the Calgary Flames 9-0. It is a repeat of the final against Vancouver tomorrow night. I will also be tuning into the game.

If you watch football, would would you like to see in the Super Bowl? I think you know my answer

A Blissful 2012

2012-01-04T20:45:00.001-05:00

This week’s 6 Weeks of Bliss topic is about the New Year and what you resolve to do in 2012.

I don’t do resolutions. I will do it for two days and then fail, beat myself up for failing, try again, fail, and the pattern stops to where I forget about things totally.

I posted last week about my 2012 Healthy Living Goals.

I find setting goals of different things, some healthy, some for my mind, some just to get out of the house, helps a lot more then resolutions.

When I look back at my 2011 Healthy Living Goals,I have mixed reactions.

I see 2 fails, 1 so so and 1 pass. I feel a little defeated.

Especially when I see the paragraph on the end and I see I have gained 10 pounds this year. <SIGH>

2011 was not a bad year over all just when I see these goals, I feel myself getting down.

I don’t want be down. This year’s goals I look forward to. I want to accomplish them. I will not let my defeat bring me down.

A New Bhangra Fan

2012-01-03T20:15:00.001-05:00

I just noticed that my last post was number 666. Kind of ominous

Now that the holidays are done, I am ready to hibernate.

This year I am going to fight the urge to hibernate.

On New Year’s Eve one of my favorite acts that I were the Boston Bhangra dancers. They actually got me to dance a little bit with catchy music and just general coolness.

My pictures don’t tell the story. The music was Indian and I loved it. They offer classes in Brookline on Sundays and I am there. I can’t go this Sunday but the others, yes please!

If you know me, this is something huge. I had a great time following along with the crowd, moving my arms to the music. Yes, I did.

There is one way not to hibernate and try something new.

New Year’s Eve 2012

2012-01-01T23:49:00.001-05:00

I had one of the best New Year’s Eves I have had in a while.

For the first time, I went to some of the First Night Boston events. I have lived in Boston for 95% of my life and I have never been. Well, I can cross that off of my list now. I even made a new friend, which is always welcome.

This was my favorite event of the whole day. These kids were great and they played holiday music. I was very impressed.

I took lots more pictures and even a video on my phone but my phone is reluctant to upload the video. I was so excited about it. An actual video! to post! Tomorrow I will figure it out.

How was your New Years?

2012 Healthy Living Goals

2011-12-30T21:14:00.001-05:00

I have never been one to acknowledge a new year as a new starting point but this year, why the hell not?

To me healthy living is much more than just eating healthy or not being depressed. It is the whole of my being. It is getting me to interact with people when I want to be a hermit or getting me to not binge or just taking five minutes to appreciate myself.

Many people get caught up in one aspect of healthy living not letting it encompass everything. One decision at a time involving everything.

In 2012, I want a new start. I am going to take this new found optimism and make do with it.

1. Knit More

Why? I haven’t knit in a few months. Nothing. It is cold and time for knitting. It is time. It soothes me. It gives me confidence. I like it. I need to knit more. It helps that I am making a trip to the local yarn mecca, Webs, in a few weeks.

2. Take 1 day at a time and be binge free.

Food has long been a companion of mine. It is time to wean myself for good. Having a goal of one month free of binges is overwhelming. Taking it one day at time is best. When I eat healthy, I feel better. Period.

3. Be Compassionate

Sometimes things are bad. Mom is sick. Dad has been sick. We have made some big decisions this year. I made the best choices I could at the time. I need to stop beating myself up. Another 1 day at time thing to think about compassion.

4. Take More Photos

I carry my Droid and a digital camera all the time. The phone is attached to me and the camera is in the bag. Both are good at taking pictures. I even have some cool photo apps for my Droid. It is time I use them. I do a lot in one day and I see a lot. I vow to take 1 picture of something I see every day and I will post them here.

5. Blog More

I try to blog here every day but sometimes life gets in the way. I just started my new book blog to write about my love of books because I could do it here but it needs its own focus.

6. Laugh More

It is amazing what you can’t do when you laugh. I should do it more.

7. Try new things

I have never had Jamaican food or Russian food or Cape Verdean.

I have never been skiing.

I don’t know how to swim.

I still haven’t used my broiler.

Crocheting and needlepoint baffle me.

8. Make Eye Contact

Yes, as a native person from Eastern Massachusetts, I tend to look down. Looking in someone’s eyes denotes weakness and we have a gruff reputation to live up to. I am going to keep my eyes up. I may be looking at you.

9. Stop Worrying So Much

It will happen no matter what. Let it go.

Yes, it might be a lot but they aren’t overwhelming. I am not going to worry about it.

What are some of your goals for upcoming year?

Optimism

2011-12-29T18:31:00.001-05:00

One more day until the long weekend.

Guess what, since I have been talking a lot about books and reading here, I decided that I needed a separate place to write about it. All of my reading life will be at Jen Reads and I will be fixing it up over the weekend. It is one of my goals for the new year that I will be talking about.

I am somewhat optimistic (yes, me pessimistic Jen) for 2012. I think some good things will come my way.

I have been feeling better since Christmas. The malaise of Christmas has passed for now. Here’s to hoping my optimistic mindset lasts!

Holiday TV Binge

2011-12-27T20:38:00.001-05:00

My long holiday weekend was oddly filled with TV.

On Christmas, my father turned the TV to a Firefly marathon on cable. I became intrigued and in between checking the food, I started to watch it and like it. Too bad I did not know about it when it was on TV. I continued to watch it after they left.

I watched the 1st disk of the Camelot show from Starz, via Netflix. It was ok. I will continue to get the DVDs from Netflix.

I also got the 1st DVD from the first season of the BBC’s Robin Hood, and I liked that a lot more. I will have to get the other 10 or DVD’s in the series.

Of course on Sunday night, there was another Downton Abbey episode. I can not wait until the 2nd season starts. I have my tea, warm blanket and a pillow ready and waiting.

Today was more animal and nature day. First off with Viking Wilderness.

I had a hard time not crying after the bad fox ending. I get so emotionally involved in these animal shows.

Then it was on to Wild Russia.

Russia is very wild. I learned a lot when I first saw this show.

Finally, it was on Dr. Pol and his crazy vet practice.

I love the show, The Incredible Dr. Pol, on Nat Geo WILD.

I besides all the random stuff I caught in between. I don’t think I have watched this much TV in a long time.

2011 Christmas

2011-12-26T21:28:00.001-05:00

I survived Christmas 2011 mostly intact.

There was some family drama but really, what is a holiday without family drama?

It just would not be the same.

The drama this year was over my estranged sister. We have gifts for her kids and normally she comes over my apartment after dinner. Well, in my quest to be nice, I said that we could go over there. Big mistake. Secret Sister, who was disappointed over Christmas gifts even though she said she was happy, along with Dad, were pissed off over this faux pas.

They felt that she did not deserve that treatment since she has virtually forgotten about us, which is true.

I apologized profusely and we went over there. Grumbles followed on the way out.

Like I said, it would not be the same without some drama.

Was your Christmas drama free or a drama in the making?

Other then that, it was good. I cooked some new dishes, one apple and cranberry stuffed acorn squash and a root vegetable casserole with real cream and cheese. It was a hit food wise. No pictures of course because I was to busy cooking, chopping, peeling to bother.

I had a quiet Christmas eve. I didn’t do anything except watch TV while feeling very lonely and staring at the Christmas tree. Not sure what came over me. I have been feeling that I am missing out on things and that I need to be more open. I must send “don’t bother me” vibes a lot.

I am going to post some 2012 goals this week. I need to think up some fun stuff.

Friday Happiness: Offbeat Christmas

2011-12-23T19:54:00.001-05:00

I was driving home from working today and I heard this:

It made me smile.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday. I have 4 days off and I am looking forward to it.

Blissful Gifting

2011-12-21T21:03:00.001-05:00

This week’s 6 Weeks of Bliss topic is what health and wellness item is on the top of my list this year.

If I could have ANYTHING to help me become healthier, I would want a normal brain.

One where I could have high self esteem.

One where I would not think of myself as worthless.

Most of my problems have been wrapped up not so nicely in depression and self-hatred. I want to be free but like most of life’s problems, they won’t go away with the EASY button.

I wonder what life would have been like if my brain was on my side for once. Since I can’t go back in time, I would love some true healing, even if just for a little while.

I am going to give myself the gift of taking care of myself.

I do care about myself.

I could use books or lotion or a purse, but really I NEED to treat myself better and that is my holiday gift to myself.

Today was a day I could have used the self esteem fairy.

My stomach was doing flip flops all day at work and I felt just blah, which is a trigger for my wandering brain. I felt this overwhelming feeling a hopelessness. It helped that I was allowed to leave a little early but this year, the holiday is having a real feeling of loneliness this year. I am not sure what is bringing it on.

Seesaw

2011-12-20T22:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am a on a seesaw going up and down. Depressed thoughts come and go and come again. Today they were mostly gone. I was in a good mood and topped it off with dinner with a good friend. Can’t be beat.

IMAGE

I won’t have another therapy appointment until after the New Year.

I have been thinking of 2012 goals that I can achieve. I will post them when I think of them all. I need some thing to motivate to get stuff I want to do done. My attention span has gone downhill lately.

Sparkling Procrastination

2011-12-19T20:42:00.001-05:00

Are you aware that Christmas is next weekend? I don’t want to think about it yet so let me ignore it a bit longer.

Lately, I have had sparkling wine dreams, not champagne since all I dreamed about were from California. I went to a Fireside Chat at The Fireplace in Brookline over the weekend with some friends and procrastinated some more about the impending Christmas holiday. What better than to procrastinate with sparkling wine?

They gave us a paper to write the wines we tasted down. Did I bother to write anything down after the first one I tried? No.

The first one I tried was Barefoot Moscato Spumante, on the left, and it was by far my favorite of the afternoon. It is also the most reasonable priced, a double bonus. I like my sparkling wine on the sweet side and this foot the bill.

We also tried 2 Schramsberg sparkling wine, Blanc de Blanc and Blanc de Noir.

They look the same but I preferred the Blanc de Noir, being a pinot noir fan.

The final two we tried were from J Winery and Vineyards, a Vintage Brut and a Cuvee 20.

These were a little to dry for my taste. I might have added some St. Germain to them. (The horror!)

In between, we were told about the wines and why you should not take a sword and slice off the top of the bottle.

All for $25, not a bad afternoon on a cold December Saturday. They are having other Fireside Chats but I am especially interested in the Colonial Drink ones, being the history buff that I am.

Doing these type of things definitely kept that creeping feeling of loneliness away for a little while. I may have to get some Barefoot Moscato Spumante to help with that loneliness feeling this weekend. I know, drinking will not help, but it is an excuse to drink some of it.

I Am Back

2011-12-18T20:08:00.001-05:00

With my internet problem fixed for now, I am back. I am going to have to snake it up on the walls since my one telephone outlet is about 15 feet away from my computer and it crosses hallways. I had gone a while without chewing instances so at first I thought I forgot to pay but when I investigated the line, I saw the bite marks.

I did get this horrible bitter apple spray which I sprayed before on the line but it attracted him. Somehow I got it on my fingers and into my mouth and I could not get rid of the taste for a week. It was really bitter. Enough about Boots and his chewing problem, at least he has left the Christmas tree alone for the most part.

I am feeling rather cold and down tonight. I am just going to lay down and relax before work begins again tomorrow. I had lots of posts planned for the last few days, put off by my issues, so I will post them this week. I just don’t have the brain power tonight.

Technical Difficulties

2011-12-17T21:49:00.001-05:00

The determined beast chewed another cord but I was not able to grab one today. This blogging from the phone thing is hard but I wanted to check in.

I swear he is a rabbit disguised as a cat.

Sleepy Time

2011-12-14T21:01:00.001-05:00

I swear some days I just want to curl up and hide under the covers. Today was one of those days. Given the chance I would sleep my life away. I did begrudgingly get up and get ready for work. With my daily overdose of coffee, I was ready to face the day.

I am working on setting up some stuff to look forward to in 2012. I am going to also put together at 2012 to do list and stick to it. I don’t do resolutions but I will do a fun to do list.

I decided to get a ticket to the Philadelphia Bloggy Boot Camp this year. I went to the one in Boston last year and hopefully, I have continued on what I learned there. Since I have been wanting to get to Philadelphia, I decided to go again.

I am going to get my Blogher ticket this weekend once I get my Christmas bonus. I will have my two blog conferences this year all settled.

If you have a blog, are you going to any conferences in 2012?

Getting Away to Find Bliss

2011-12-13T21:02:00.001-05:00

My quest for 6 Weeks of Bliss continues tonight. Our topic this week is getaways. Over the last few years I have travelled to Ireland, Canada, Louisville, San Diego, Pittsburg, Chicago, New York and Florida but my travel bug while it is quenched now, was not always quenched.

Growing up, we never travelled anywhere. We never went camping or away for the weekend and it was not until I was a teenager that we even actually went away, to Washington, D.C. To satisfy my never ending need to get away, I started to grab business mail reply cards from the back of travel magazines and send away for each and every pamphlet listed.

Yes, from Fiji to Belgium, this then 10 year old got come travel to someplace pamphlets in the mail. I could not get farther away then school but Fiji called me. I would stare at maps of the world in wonderment. I would flip through the books and said to myself, “Someday.”

It only stopped when I began to consider college and the travel pamphlets became college pamphlets to far away colleges, just a different type of travel.

Another way I sought to get away growing up was through reading. It started with Richard Scarry’s Busy Town books and grew from there.

From there, I read everything I could get my hands on. Books that transported me to far away places or back in time. I could get away for a little while and forget the disintegration of things around me.

To this day, reading still takes me away. Far away. Last night I was reading, Wonderful by Jill Barnett, and I lighted so much for the first time in a LONG time that it hurt. I forgot that Mom is sick and that work is busy. I forgot everything for that hour that I read. I could get away without breaking the budget.

Honestly, as I plan my next vacation far away from home, I like to take these mini getaways right at home or where ever I happen to be. Reading takes me away.

The Tree

2011-12-11T22:51:00.001-05:00

I am not excited about Christmas this year. I debated getting a tree. Secret Sister’s school sells trees and she was going to buy one but I decided, after the decision to get a tree, I went to Target and bought a fake one.

Notice the menacing presence under the tree…..

I am off tomorrow for that mental health day. I may do a bit of shopping. I don’t know. I have my first pre-surgery weight loss group tomorrow evening.

Television this week will be good. It is Big Cat Week on Nat Geo WILD with lots of big cat information and Downton Abbey returns, with the first series rerun before the second season starts in January. To round out the week, there is a new Grimm episode. It makes me want to run out to read The Household Tales by the Brother’s Grimm, which is close to the original translation.

5 Things: Happy Single

2011-12-10T22:08:00.001-05:00

I was asked three times this week why I was not married. After getting over the uncomforting thoughts brought about by that question and being slightly angry, I decided that I need to embrace my single status and know that at 38, it is not the end of the world.

Last night, I got home late and was too tired to type a post, so today’s 5 things is also my happiness post because it good that I am not reveling in bringing myself down now.

It is good to be single and here’s why:

1. I can go anywhere, at anytime, with anyone, doing anything.

I answer to no one, except maybe Boots, the cat. I can go away on a whim or leave on a moments notice. A man is not holding me back.

2. I can flirt with the handsome guy at the coffee counter if I want to and go out with him if I so choose.

3. I can talk to my cat in my kitty cat voice and not have someone laugh at me.

After all, he is the true ruler. All hail the kitty.

4. I can meet the jerks who actually ask those type of “What is wrong with you that you are not married/engaged/whatever” and thank God, I am not with them.

5. I can enthrall everyone with my dating stories of men who get arrested on the date or have OCD or are attached to their cell phone during the date, etc.

Hard to talk about on going dating hell, when you are married.

Honestly, my mind can go on a rampage thinking of why I am not loveable or marriageable. I am thinking on the positive side of things. Being 38 and single is not bad and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Anyone who says they aren’t quirky or that they don’t have baggage at my age is lying.

I also do not have the anxiety of buying a Christmas gift for him. That is the worst gift anxiety.

Bliss Wanted

2011-12-07T21:18:00.001-05:00

I want 6 Weeks of Bliss. Yes, I do so I decided to participate in Bliss Connect by Glam Media’s 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge. Over the next 6 weeks, I will posting some posts in relation to this challenge. Maybe it will bring you a bit of bliss as well.

For Week 1, we are to discuss why we started to blog and who inspires us to live a healthy lifestyle.

As you may know, I started blogging when I was a low point in my life in July of 2008. I was having a hard time getting away from the constant shadow of depression with anxiety and I felt absolutely horrible about myself. I thought if I recorded some of my thoughts somewhere, I would be able to purge those thoughts from my system. While, it did not purge my thoughts entirely, it did help to fend off some of my personal demons that I had been struggling with for most of my life.

Since I have been blogging, I have been up and down and up again. I realized how much of a struggle this is and how it will not be won in one day or even one year. It is something that may be with me forever. I have discovered that I am not ALONE. I am inspired by the entire community of people out there who read and write their own stories about their struggles. I used to think that I was alone and that no one would understand. I realized how many of you struggle with accepting yourself and depression.

I have an outlet to talk about how a darn number can control my mood for days or how I feel when I go visit Mom. I know you will listen. It helps more then you can know.

I have met a lot of cool people through blogging and I hope to meet many more.

Christmas Shopping? Me?

2011-12-05T20:31:00.001-05:00

Another weekend is over and a new work week has begun. This week is shaping up to be somewhat quiet. I am busy a lot except for Christmas. It kind of goes against the norm but that is me.

I had a weigh in this morning. I was up a bit. Oh well. Nothing good I can say about that. I am going to start to attend a pre-surgical support group on Mondays and do the shake replacement for meals twice a day. I think that will help.

I have felt better and I felt worse. I seem to be stuck in this small rut. I really think I need a mental health day. I am going to ask for a day or two off tomorrow. Maybe a little closer to Christmas. I haven’t even started shopping yet and I don’t know what to get anyone. I haven’t really thought about it much though. Luckily, I only have to buy a few gifts.

Have you started shopping, an early completer or like me, a tormented gift buyer that has gift anxiety and waits until the last few days?

Harpoon Helps!

2011-12-04T21:02:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of participating in Harpoon Brewery’s Holiday Help event. It is my second year and one that made me stalk the Harpoon Helps website to see when the sign ups started. It is a popular event.

Harpoon is a local beer company and this is the 7th year they have had the Holiday Help event. The event is about going to different charities in the Boston area and decorating for the holidays. We went to a family shelter and decorated their living rooms. These charities might not have decorated without the help. Afterwards, you go back to the brewery for lunch and a few beers, (It is a brewery).

We decorated a Christmas tree. It came out rather nicely.

While we were decorating the tree, others were cutting out snow flakes and adorning entry ways.

The charity was happy with our efforts and it made me happy.

Afterwards, there was a lunch catered by Bugaboo Creek Restaurant and of course, Harpoon beer.

We were definitely in a beer warehouse!

If you are in Boston, Harpoon Helps from Harpoon Brewery is a great way to get out and give something back. I will be doing it next year, you should too.

I was in no way compensated or anything for this post and I did this event of my own volition. I am just like that.

Friday Happiness: $1 a Bunch

2011-12-02T21:08:00.001-05:00

This is something I never do.

I was walking home from work and passed a florist in Quincy Center . In front of the store, they had several buckets of $1 a bouquet flowers. I can’t remember ever getting flowers from anyone or even buying them for myself.

Until today. I bought 2 bouquets of daisies, my favorite flowers.

I need to buy flowers for myself more often. They smell nice and make me smile.

After I type this, I am going to go have a cup of tea and this:

One kiss that I put in my purse at my job’s Christmas party today.

Tomorrow I have Harpoon Help’s Christmas decoration event. I am looking forward to it.

Depression Blank

2011-12-01T21:30:00.001-05:00

Last night, I stared at my blank Live Writer entry and could not put my feelings down. I was feeling pretty shitty, thinking horrible things about myself and I wanted to write about it but I could not. I wanted to get it out of my head, purged but I kept it close instead.

I have never been one to shy away from my depression and lack of self love here. Last night was a first. I felt that I was falling down the hole of depression again. I felt unlovable, hopeless, stuck….I wanted to curl up and sleep forever.

I feel better today.

I hate it. Depression is a hole that I can never fully get out of. A shadow that follows me around, sometimes closer and sometimes from a distance. I am beginning to know my triggers like pain, disappointment, fear, loneliness.

I try to point out good stuff about myself when I notice it, hoping that it brings me up. One day at time. My therapy appointment is tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to also talk about it and work it out of my system.

Winner Up!

2011-11-29T20:45:00.001-05:00

Congrats Marla! You should have gotten an email from me.

I still feel like leaving on a jet plane today but I can wait to plan out a vacation. I have always had a case of wanderlust and the urge is strong. It is a form of escape. The grass is greener on the other side syndrome but I would be happy if there was a grass on the other side.

I am trying not to feel so blah this winter. I go outside and the gray look of everything just makes me sad. At least until Christmas there will be some lights on some houses. Christmas can at least be pretty even though this year, it will be quiet. Winter just seems so long and bleak. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. Travel is that light.

Other than thoughts of travel, today was a normal day. Nothing special, nothing bad. Just another day at work and otherwise. I will take it as a good day and I set the alarm!

Got to Get Away

2011-11-28T20:12:00.001-05:00

Tough was rough! I forgot to set my alarm and well, you probably know what happened from there but the day was salvaged.

I have been thinking about trips for next year. My motto lately is anywhere but here and I am itching to go away or at least plan to go away.

But where?

I am hoping I will be getting in touch with my Italian half if I have to sleep in hostels across Italy. Italy has been a dream for a while. The flights are looking to be $900 which is not sending warm fuzzy feelings in my travel mind.

I am also sort of looking to start investigating places to live when and if I ever leave Boston. I have lived here 95% of my life with exception of a 3 year mistake in western NY state. I am tired of it. So I am compiling a list and so far Denver is on that list.

One place I could visit is Boise. I have read a lot about Boise and it intrigues me.

I could go with Not So Secret Sister to Texas. She thinks she wants to move there and has been asking me to visit with her so she can check it out. She thinks life will be better in Texas.

I would love to go to Alaska, Montana, the Dakotas, anywhere really. I am just antsy. I have also thought about Halifax in Nova Scotia.

Then there is Blogher in New York. I have to buy my ticket when and if I get a bonus this year at work.

I just want to go away. Maybe run away. Just get away.

This post is a little disjointed but I feel a bit disjointed today.

P.S. I choose a winner tomorrow and the odds are good if you enter my Real Simple giveaway.

5 Things: Dealing with Loneliness

2011-11-26T23:11:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling alone. Very much alone with a cat three inches from my face, but alone. I decided I must GET OUT of my apartment no matter what. I didn’t want to sit at home watching Indiana Jones movies yet again.

I decided to go into Boston and just roam around. It felt like the right thing to do even though lots of people around, I still felt alone. It was something I could not shake.

I roamed around Barnes & Noble for a while. It is a new habit of mine to find books and scan them into Goodreads on my phone to get them from the library or through Amazon. I could go through stacks of books and spend all day doing that.

I bought more clothing and a purse with a coupon. Feeling shitty shopping should be banned.

My five things tonight and things I should have done when I feel lonely.

1. Get a cup of coffee and actually sit in a coffee shop.

Even sitting reading drinking a latte, watching people, would have been a good day. I meet some interesting people that way. Sometimes people are compelled to talk to me when I am sitting, reading while drinking coffee.

2. Taken a walk

After getting the coffee, I could have taken a walk. I live near the beach and it is about a 15 minute walk from my apartment. It was a gorgeous day here in Boston. I did walk this afternoon from Copley Square to Park Street station.

3. Call a friend.

I have never been a phone talker. I am not one to call someone just to talk. Maybe I should have. A friendly voice would have been welcome today.

4. Visit the library

The library in my city is awesome. It is one of the best libraries around. I could roam about for a long time. I have my list of books to get on my phone and I could have looked around for a long time.

5. Visit Dad.

I have been avoiding my family specifically my Dad. I don’t know why. I don’t want him to see me depressed. We will talk about the past and then I will leave more depressed. Though he would have liked to have seen me and if he is feeling ok, he would not have talked about the past and I would have felt better. I am sure.

I went to see Mom yesterday so there was no need to go today. She was sleeping when I was there. She is usually sleeping and I just sit and watch her. I talk to her softly so I won’t wake her up.

How was your Saturday?

PS I am giving away a free Real Simple subscription for year. Entering is simple so you should enter

A Friday Giveaway

2011-11-25T20:16:00.001-05:00

Nothing could get me up at 4 am to brave the lines at Target or the mall. I would rather sleep until 11 or 11:45, as it was, have a leisurely few cups of liquid gold aka coffee, watch a Nat Geo Wild show on moose in the Northern Hemisphere and then stop by a local Talbots outlet and get some discounted clothing for work. I came home and watched one of my favorite movies of all time:

It was a good day.

Now on to the fun part, a giveaway!

I can once again renew my Real Simple subscription and get a free one to give to someone, one of my readers. The subscription should begin with the February magazine.

If you would like to win the subscription, just leave a comment on this post. There are no hoops to jump through. It is simple.

Unfortunately, this is only valid for US residents. I will pick a winner on Tuesday. Good luck!

My Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T19:58:00.001-05:00

Another Thanksgiving survived without massive fights or some other insult. Of course, we missed Not So Secret Sister who worked. It felt kind of sad with just Dad and my brother there for dinner.

The turkey came out well.

There was just something sad about the whole thing. We talked about Mom and some issues surrounding here. It just felt empty. Hopefully Christmas, which I totally not looking forward to this year for some reason, will be happier.

If you are in America, how was your holiday?

I have a little giveaway tomorrow. Stay tuned

The Case of the Gigantic Turkeys

2011-11-22T21:06:00.001-05:00

With Thanksgiving on Thursday and since I am the only one that has room to host Thanksgiving in my family, I hit the local Hannaford’s to get a fresh turkey and all of the fixings tonight. Since there will only be 4 of us, it is just going to be a small meal – turkey, gravy, squash, veggies, stuffing and crescent rolls. I want left overs but not a massive amount where I eat turkey for a week after.

There are lots of fresh turkeys to be had. I start to shift through them and trying to find a less then 18 pound bird was hard. Finally, in the back I saw a 14 pound bird. Why is it so hard to find non-gigantic birds?

Not everyone has a large family and needs a 20 pound turkey. Just saying.

I have been feeling slightly better the last 2 days. Maybe because after 3 pm tomorrow, I have 4 days off! I need a mental health break badly. After work tomorrow, I am just going to relax and I will probably go see Mom. It has been a long couple of weeks.

Struggling

2011-11-20T19:29:00.001-05:00

I could have happily slept all day today. It would not have helped my mood however. I have been struggling keeping my chin high for the past week or so and it is getting harder. Maybe it is the approach of the holidays or the fact that winter is coming.

I am going to try to keep somewhat busy over the next couple of weeks. When I am busy, my mind is too busy to get depressed. I am not moping about at home, letting loneliness take over. The opposite is staying home and not getting out of bed.

I am going to try to think positive and make a consistent effort not to not let the shadow take over. The holiday will help, I think.

Friday Happiness: Gobble Gobble

2011-11-18T22:16:00.001-05:00

My favorite holiday is next week and I am looking forward to it. Family, lots of turkey and cranberry sauce, Pilgrims, football, tryptophan and pumpkin pie.

It is a holiday where I don’t have to wrack my brain to buy a gift, which I am never good at. Where I will have 4 days off and possibly a shopping trip or a marathon of bad TV on Friday. A day to try to think of the good things. I plan on cooking dinner for Dad, Not So Secret Sister and my brother. It will be a small gathering.

It is not much to make me happy but just the thought of it makes me smile. It has been a tough week mood wise. My outlook has been hopeless and I would rather stay in bed all day with the covers over my head. Right now, my light at the end of the tunnel, is the holiday weekend next week.

Will you be cooking on Thursday? Relaxing? Plotting getting up at a God awful hour to hit the mall the next day?

Another day, another outlook.

2011-11-15T20:56:00.001-05:00

I woke up early (!) today thanks to the furry beast and maybe it started me out on the right track. I don’t know. I felt a little better, not quite as down on myself.

It even lasted through not veiled comments of “Jen, you NEVER talk” by people I work with. Most people who know me, know that once I start talking, it is hard to get me to stop and once the talking with my hands start, it is over.

I just don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say or if you don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t say it 99% of the time. Why people tell me these things, I don’t know, but it just slid off of me.

Tomorrow will be a good day as well, maybe because I am looking forward to this:

I saw a commercial on PBS for this Nature special and I was totally giddy. Yep. I would like to be a turkey, though not quite now. It is not a good time to be a turkey here in America.

On The Hamster Wheel

2011-11-14T20:40:00.001-05:00

Today was a kick in the stomach to my self esteem.

I had my last nutrition appointment at the hospital where they weighed me. I could tell that it was not good. The look on her face was not good. She took me into the room and basically to my convoluted mind, said yeah you stayed the same. Fail. No surgery date for you.

FAIL.

Yep. I left that appointment beating myself up, thinking about how I fail at everything. All day long I ruminated over it, chewing it up, down and around. It brought its friends, ugly and stupid along as well.

It makes me thing how precarious this self esteem thing is. How one bump sets me back. Thirty plus years of thinking one way is difficult to change but with constant reminders, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Do you have any tips on kicking yourself off of the hamster wheel on days like today?

5 Things: A Night Out

2011-11-13T18:20:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I don’t mind doing things alone like going to the movies or even to a concert. If I can’t get anyone to go, I don’t want to sit at home saying that I would of, should of, could of.

I went into the Wang Center in Boston last night to see Noel Gallagher. I love his new song, If I Had a Gun and of course, when he was with Oasis, I was a fan. When I saw that Rue La La had a deal for the tickets, I could not pass it up. I am so glad I went.

I am giving you five photos from last night.

1. The Wang Theater used to be movie theater. Dad talks about going to see movies there when he was a kid. It must have been an impressive movie theater. The walls are beautiful.

2. The opening band was called The Hours. I can’t say I had heard of them or really would seek them out otherwise.

3. Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Bird came out with a bang.

4. The music was awesome. He did sing If I Had A Gun but possibly the best song of the night was the last encore song, Don’t Look Back In Anger (my favorite Oasis song). I tried to take a lot of pictures but my memory card was filled after not that many pictures.

5. I could tell just by the seats that it is an old theater. The guy two seats away was 6’5 and it was a tight squeeze.

If he stops by your city, I say you should go.

In some blog news, if you are on Google +, I have a new blog page. If you are on Google +, stop by.

Friday Happiness: The Weekend is Here

2011-11-11T22:28:00.001-05:00

Coming home to an empty apartment with only a cat to greet you can be hard, especially on a weekend night but realizing that you can get caught up on TV, read some trashy romance books and find one of these left in the fridge, I call it a good start to the weekend.

I ended up buying a ticket to the Noel Gallagher through one of those deal sites and the show is tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it. Honestly, I don’t really mind going to a show by myself because I just want to listen to some music. I may even see Anonymous as well.

Falling Back

2011-11-09T20:58:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I just need a break. That is what my body is telling me. With the time change, work being crazy and the fact I have felt less than ideal in body and mind, I think I need a mental health day at some time soon to recharge.

I feel sort of down and definitely my self esteem is lacking. That shadow has been creeping up behind me, staring at me. I have had to push myself out of bed the last couple of days. I tell myself over and over to take a shower, you will feel better. Generally I do and then I commence with my day.

Actually walking to the T station each morning has helped a lot. Getting a burst of cool crisp morning air helps to get me moving. I try to ignore the trees that are becoming bare and the bleakness of the houses, which just gets me down. If I look ahead, take a sip of my coffee and charge on, I will be better.

My parent’s 40th wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks and I am thinking of doing something for Dad. I am not sure if it is something that he wants to celebrate but taking him to dinner might be a good thing so he is not alone.

My Mom has a wedding picture in her nursing home room of my Dad and her standing close and face to face. She is touching his face and he is touching her face. I love that picture. I know Mom did too. When she was still talking and even though she had no clue who I was, she would point to the picture and say “That is my husband.” and giggle. Now I just look at the picture in combination of my Mother lying down and generally sleeping when I see her, it just makes me sad.

Driving home from the supermarket tonight, I heard a song that I liked. It made me smile and it was sort of appropriate I thought. The song is Back to the Races by the Chadwick Strokes. I heard they were doing a free show at Occupy Boston today but I didn’t find out until tonight.

Indivisible

2011-11-07T20:28:00.001-05:00

I was in Starbucks the other day getting my birthday free drink, a Pumpkin Spice non-fat latte, when I spotted this bracelet.

For $5.00, I got it. Not only does it go towards helping Americans find jobs but I love the “Indivisible” message.

I believe we are indivisible as a nation but I really want this to sink into my brain. There will be no love-hate divide going on in my brain.

Life is a Highway

2011-11-06T19:50:00.001-05:00

Today I had to go up to Ipswich, MA. Being the South Shore gal that I am, it was an adventure. (It is a Boston area North – South thing). I get lost whenever I go up there. What excited me most about the drive, was the driving itself.

Sometimes, I just like to get into the car, get on the highway and punch it. I was running late and that is exactly what I did. Music blaring. Me singing. Car barreling north. Makes me feel like a true car loving American.

I am just itching for a road trip. Pack some clothes and sandwiches and get in the car and head west. (I won’t get very far heading east since I am about 1/2 mile from the ocean.) When I went to college, I drove myself out out to Illinois. I loved it, especially when I was alone.

I played car tag. I found obscure radio stations out in the middle of Route 80 in Pennsylvania. I could stop when I wanted to. It was awesome. I used to drive out to Rochester, NY before moving there and I loved that ride. Now, I don’t have a reason to go on a road trip but the bug has gotten into my brain.

Thinking back to college, I wonder what happened to the would be pig farmer who dumped me because his mother said since I am Catholic, I would want 15 kids. Is he a pig farmer today? Who knows!

The drive today, while not a road trip, set my mind at ease. It was calming. I don’t feel the regular Sunday night malaise taking over.

Maybe it was that extra night of sleep last night. Though this early darkness thing must go soon.

Friday Happiness: A New Crush

2011-11-04T22:39:00.001-04:00

Since I am hopeful that my 38th year will be better then my 37th year, I am going to focus on Friday happiness and try to name at least 1 thing that made my week happy. It could be anything – a cute cat, a song, a guy, a thought, food, a book, anything.

It is time I turned my thoughts to optimism and not be so darn pessimistic all the time. Friday is the day that the work week melts away. All tension releases at 5 pm when that whistle goes off in my head – “Freedom!”

Tonight, I am writing this after watching Grimm. I am liking the show and have discovered the lead actor, the Grimm, himself. The actor that plays the main character is David Giuntoli. I have a little weakness for American guys of Italian descent.

FROM IMDb

I have found something to watch on Friday nights, when I happen to be home, like tonight.

Here’s to relaxing Friday nights.

November 3, 1973

2011-11-03T09:29:00.001-04:00

November 3, 1973 was a Saturday.

Good Morning America premiered on ABC with David Hartman and Nancy Dussault.

The Mariner 10 launched on a mission to Venus.

A National Airlines plane's engine exploded near Albuquerque, killing 1.

My Mother gave birth to a baby girl at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston.

38 years have passed by since that day.

I have spent far to many birthdays wishing that I had never been born.

Wasting away in those thoughts.

Finally this year, I hope that my 38th year will be a wondrous year and there is a flicker of hope in me.

Here's to 38 more birthdays.

Come Back Google Reader

2011-11-01T20:28:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you should just leave a good thing alone.

I am talking to you, Google Reader.

I read a lot of blogs. Rather then forget all of the wonderful blogs and stuff I read, I add them to my Google Reader. I happily check into Google Reader every day and keep track of some of my favorite people.

Then yesterday, I found it changed. It is difficult to move about the new Google Reader. It does not like the size of my monitor. When you scroll down to read a post, put the post on top of another post to make it difficult to read.

It just annoys me to no end.

Google Reader, can you give me the choice to go to old view? I would appreciate it.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T20:51:00.001-04:00

Another Halloween has come and gone. I bought candy but very few kids came this year so I will be hauling in candy to work tomorrow much to the chagrin of my coworkers. I may keep a few Hershey bars for myself. There is something about a small Hershey bar that I like. I know many people think Hershey’s is subpar but not me.

Lately, I have had a huge aversion to computers during the weekend. I do not want to turn it on. I don’t care about checking my email except to look at my mail on my phone and to check Twitter every now and then. If it wasn’t for my phone, I might be out of touch on the weekend.

and I feel so guilty that I start crying. It is a never ending cycle.

over the phone and blogging, well, takes a back seat.

I didn’t go see Mom this weekend. I couldn’t do it. I was feeling a little blah and I just could not bring myself there. Sometimes I need to control the trigger points and this weekend, it might have propelled me downward. The guilt I feel about not going also brings me down. I go and I leave crying. I stay home and I feel so guilty that I start crying. It is a never ending cycle.

I confessed to Dad that I didn’t go see her and he said, “Yeah, it is getting hard.” He went this weekend however.

At least the snow fears I had did not come true this week but some parts of the state got over 21 inches of snow – in October. It was just rainy and wicked windy on Saturday. All of the leaves came off of the trees, which makes the area look even more dead and depressed. It was an excuse to stay under the covers. A place I am in all to often during the weekends lately.

Happy Friday

2011-10-28T20:24:00.001-04:00

I will not bitch and moan about the weather.

I will not bitch and moan about the snow before the pumpkins are gone.

I will not.

I will say I am happy that it is Friday. I was listening to my two new favorite songs on my drive home tonight and actually bouncing in my seat. Not like I have a hot date or any wonderfully exciting things this weekend but I just was bouncy. Since I was stuck in traffic, I think I got a few strange looks from the disgruntled drivers on the Southeast Expressway tonight.

I just was not one of them.

What songs made me bounce?

The Airborne Toxic Event is one of my favorite bands lately and this song just inspires me to jump but since I am driving bouncing along as I go.

I used to like Oasis a while ago but I LOVE this song for some reason. It makes me want to sing. I may have to get a ticket to his show in Boston at the Wang Theater in November.

Since the commute home actually made me happy, I thought I would share it with you guys and forget about the crappy weather tomorrow.

I am off to climb under a blanket and watch Grimm. Have a happy Friday and Saturday.

Support Wednesday: Taking the Edge Off

2011-10-26T20:28:00.001-04:00

Have ever heard Brad Paisley’s song Alcohol?

I am not a huge fan of country music. I am more of a bitter rock music gal myself but a lot of Paisley’s songs are just good.

One of the things that sometimes worries me is replacing food with alcohol. In information sessions and just in general, I have heard that people are often shocked that after a person loses weight they drift or swim towards alcohol. When that coping mechanism disappears, you often fill it in with another.

I like to drink. I will admit it. I like the way it makes me feel. I like how it takes the edge off. I don’t drink every day or even every week. When I lost weight before, I found that wingman of food slipping right in while food was not looking.

When I want to drink slowly, I will order beer, since outside of pumpkin beer, I would not miss it. When I don’t care then cider or mixed drinks are called for. I never touched alcohol until I went to college and then for a while, it was my new best friend. I stopped after college for a while, only to pick it up again like 10 years ago.

I know that alcohol defeats the purpose of taking anti-depressants. It is the downer to the upper. I know that I could easily slip that line to abusing alcohol. I can see it totally filling the void if I am not careful. That is one reason why I am working so hard now to fill that void with other things.

Do you take one unhealthy habit and replace it with another?

My appointment yesterday was my second mandatory psychologist appointment before surgery. I am cleared in that department. Apparently my mind is in the right place. Between my therapy and psychologist appointments, I don’t need any more mental health appointments.

Another Day, Another Guy

2011-10-25T21:51:00.001-04:00

So, guess what happened to me again today?

I was walking down the escalator at North Station on my way to take the Orange Line from work over to my doctor’s appointment this afternoon. I was feeling pretty shitty and not looking my best. A man comes up besides me and said, “Hi, I am xxxxxx, how are you?”

I said hello back. He said he just got out of court and was acquitted on all charges thanks to his mother and mumbled something about drugs in the past. I said congratulations.

He said, “I am a nice guy, I have friends. I love women who wear boots, tights and a skirt. Would you like to go to the movies some times?”

I got asked out again. Granted the whole court thing and drugs totally are a no-go but still, am I am emitting some sort of vibe? Is it just that I actually talked to someone on the T?

I was feeling and probably looking horrible.

I am shocked. Really. Maybe I should get back into online dating or hit the bars again or just aimlessly ride around on the T all day.

The whole things flabbergasts me.

Under the Covers

2011-10-24T21:07:00.001-04:00

I wish I could say that yesterday, I cleaned or was somewhat productive. No, that was not how the day went. I had plans that I totally forgot about. I had been up late reading. Just a book that I could not put down. One chapter became two, etc. I went to sleep, woke up and realized that it was cold in my apartment and I might as well stay under the covers. I did and I picked up the book again.

I got up to make some coffee and some breakfast and was freezing. I decided rather than actually turn the heat on, I would get dressed, eat and get back under those covers and guess what, read. That is what I did from about 11:00 am to 6:00 pm. I read. You might ask what?

Another book series with a hero that is tempting and you will probably only find on the pages of a book, Alexander (Shura). Oh my. All of the sudden I want to read more Russian historical fiction. I have already downloaded the second book, Tatiana & Alexander to read.

Maybe all the Russian sites that seem to find their way to my blog will now have a reason for coming.

One thing I am looking forward to about my surgery is that I will have a lot of reading time. I can not wait! My Goodread’s list is wicked long and growing.

I was also out of sorts yesterday. I fought with Not So Secret Sister at dinner, who said “I would write about it here” during the fight. I should have just stayed home. Some days are just a big no win situation and yesterday was one of them. I was still a bit out of sorts today but no one really came to talk to me today at work. It was probably for the best.

All I can say, I am happy the day went by fast.

Yes, I did.

2011-10-22T11:01:00.001-04:00

You are all probably wondering, did I go out with the Algerian? Yes, I did, last night. I was wavering on the staying home or going out and he called after work and we decided to grab dinner. Being a tad wishy washy, I had no clue what I wanted so we went into Chinatown.

The T was running will long delays so we had lots of time to chat on the train about the usual stuff, work, family, hobbies, etc. He seemed nice and was somewhat easy to talk to. I did most of the question asking. When we got off the train, we walked around a bit and found ourselves at Shabu Zen in Chinatown. There was a wait so we did most of the talking. I asked about Algeria, where he had travelled, etc.

Shabu was a first experience for me. I had been to Chinese hot pot restaurant and of course the wonderful pho. I will have to try another time when I am more at ease.

When we were called to go into the restaurant, we went into the bathroom to wash his hands. I thought nothing of that. Once the food came he went again to wash his hands. Then during and after the meal, he also washed his hands. I thought that was a bit weird. He said I should wash my hands. Ugh. I had to go to the ladies room but my hands were fine.

I have my problems. I tried my hardest to hide them and make a decent first impression. I got dressed up, put make up on, smiled, laughed, talked a bit much. I did not want to come across as a depressed downer of a gal. I did not mention Mom and some of the other issues. This hand washing thing bothered me a bit, even more so that he wanted me to wash my hands as well. I am not some disgusting barbarian. I had showered before and wash my hands as appropriate. Maybe I am being a little too nit picky but it bothered me.

The rest of the date went as expected. He tried to get me back to his apartment. I wanted none of that at this point. He was nice but I am not sure if I want to go out with him again.

Umbrella Carnage

2011-10-19T21:24:00.001-04:00

It was an umbrella graveyard in Boston today. It poured most of the day and that Boston wind whipped off of the water in between the buildings and your umbrella was either destroyed or useless. If there is one thing I do not like about my home city is the weather. Blah! The whole city was a big grump today. Traffic was awful. At least it is over.

I dropped a plastic storage container of oatmeal on my little toe this morning and that started the day out correctly. The toe is a bit swollen and purple but I will survive.

I was correct about my admirer being from the Middle East. He told me he is from Algeria last night. Interesting.

At least the rest of the week is downhill from here. One thing I must do this weekend is get some clothes on sale to last the winter like long sleeved tops, etc. Since it is a bye week for my Patriots, Sunday will be a shopping day.

Hello Goes A Long Way

2011-10-18T20:54:00.001-04:00

Today started as a normal Tuesday. I woke up late, ran around, spilled coffee on the front of my coat, tripped on the way to the T and was sort of asked out. Yes, you got that right. I was walking along in my lack of caffeine coma induced stupor by where you get the buses at the T station near my house.

I figured that someone would be passing me but he started to walk next to me and said hello. I was a little mystified. Is he talking to me? I said hello back and proceeded to have a little chit chatty conversation as I made way into the station. As I went to go through the pass area, he asked if I wanted to get dinner sometime.

I said to myself why not. I have been on some crazy dates. Can’t be any worse. I gave him my number. He already called me at work. I did not get the call. I should call him back tonight I suppose.

I did not recognize his accent but I am thinking that he must be Middle Eastern. He also probably lives near me since he was also walking.

Once I got on the Red Line, it was running with delays so it went back to being a typical Tuesday and my head was in my book that I am reading, The Wolves of Andover. Someone was leaning on the pole with his whole body and was practically sitting on my lap. A typical day on the good old MBTA.

Once Upon A Time, I Watched TV….

2011-10-17T20:42:00.001-04:00

For a Monday, today was fairly normal. My stomach was in knots and for whatever reason, I just could not feel right.

I was up later then normal last night watching Masterpiece Mystery on PBS. I read all but the newest Kate Atkinson Jackson Brodie mysteries so I was not to miss this.

Since I haven’t been watching much TV lately, I am sort of looking forward to two shows that will be premiering soon.

Grim on NBC

Once Upon A Time on ABC

Luckily, there are two PBS stations here in Boston so since Once Upon A Time will conflict with Masterpiece Mystery, I can catch it on another night.

I used to be so hooked on TV. I watched lots of it. Now, not so much. Maybe because the computer is not within viewing of the TV so I can’t do both at once. The only other shows I have started watching, but I catch it On Demand is Revenge, about the woman picking off the Long Island socialites one by one to revenge her father – very good.

And of course the various animal programs on Nat Geo WILD or Animal Planet on the weekends.

Have you gotten into any fall TV?

5 Things: In A Different Time….

2011-10-16T15:21:00.001-04:00

I have always suffered from the grass is green elsewhere syndrome. If only I lived there, or if only I‘d been born 100 years ago. I love history. I love reading historical fiction. I have been on quite a medieval reading kick lately.

(All from Goodreads)

Yes, there were Knights in White Satin (Mom’s favorite song) and chivalry with fair maidens and the like but really, would I have wanted to live in those time. I think not and here is why:

1. No Coffee!

Coffee had not been “discovered” since it is not mentioned in any of the books I have read. All they seem to drink is beer and wine. Where is the caffeine? Were they drunk all the time?

I know they would not have missed coffee since it was not yet around but my modern mind, no coffee = no Jen.

2. The Plague

I know it is still around today, but the thought that something could kill so many people so quickly scares me. Would I have survived period?

Today’s medicine has its problems, but really, we are lucky.

3. Spinster? Great-grandmother?

Girls where married at 13 or 14. I can’t imagine being married at 13 or 14 but it certainly was common. Being that I am 37 (relishing my last few days of being 37), I would either be a total spinster or possibly a nun if I remained unmarried like that or a great-grandmother by 37!

4. City Life

It wasn’t easy. Cities were filthy. We take for granted the luxuries that are around today. I watched one episode of Filthy Cities about London and was very happy, that Boston, while it may be a bit nasty in some areas (Downtown Crossing is one), it is no comparison.

I am a city gal but not THAT sort of city gal. I’d rather be in the country, which had its problems as well.

5. I would not be able to write this.

I am just a blue collar, lower middle class gal from a little depressing town south of Boston. A bus driver and a dishwasher’s daughter. Education was my way out. College was supposed to be a step up (that is a different discussion) but would a dishwasher’s daughter go to school then? Most likely not.

My grandmother in pre-World War II Italy, only went to school till the 3rd grade then worked on the farm. I think then I would definitely would not be able read not write had I lived 1,000 years ago.

That does not mean I wonder about my ancestors and that maybe if time travel was possible, I might want to go back for a little bit, but I am 21st century gal. I am not sure I would want to trade places with my grandmothers, one a Boston socialite and one an Italian farm gal.

Sometimes my depressed brain needs to be told it isn’t so bad.

Guilty

2011-10-14T14:05:00.001-04:00

Another Friday, another meeting at the nursing home about Mom and her care. I went in feeling very overwhelmed. There were the nurses, social workers, my Dad and my brother and more tough conversations.
I found out that her feeding tube is currently going 24 hours a day at 45 ccs an hour.

That is a lot for one stomach to handle. Can you imagine eating for 24 hours at a time?

I can not. She is becoming restless and bloated. Unfortunately, she can not tell us what is wrong. The 24 hour feedings are going to stop and she will have a few hours to digest and less intake in general. Eventually the feedings will go down to zero.

The immense guilt that I feel about putting the tube in the first place is overwhelming. If it had not been put in, she would be at peace now. What's done is done. We can not change that and made the decision based on the bad facts I had at the time.

I just want her comfortable. When I go there and she is sleeping, I do not wake her up. She moves around and gets restless otherwise but at sleep she is peaceful and I do not want to disturb that peace.

Dad is a mess when it comes to making decisions. I do not where in the process he is. There was a whole discussing about Mom and not feeling pain when she was lucid and I was trying to tell him that you had to protect her from the hot soup or the cut before because she could not. It erupted into a little fight and I gave up in exasperation. I just wanted the meeting over.

So as of now, the tube feedings will be decreased from 24 hours and she will be getting less overall and my guilt continues.

Support Wednesday: Winter is Coming

2011-10-12T20:57:00.001-04:00

What a slow Wednesday it was. I was up late. It was my fault. Ever feel like you have to finish that book you were reading? Well, I wanted to finish it. I regretted it this morning when the alarm went off and I put the blanket over my head.

One of my natural instincts is starting to kick in. I want to hibernate. Really, it would make me content. Flannel pajamas and sheets, Christmas tea, books, ~~nice guy~~, sleeping all the time, HEAVEN.

Unfortunately, not reality, at all. No one to pay the rent if I hibernate. No one to feed Boots. Never mind the whole job thing. New England is so depressing once the leaves fall and everything dies. Nothing is colorful. Nothing is alive. Once it starts to snow, forget about it. After about 5 minutes, it gets all dirty. Bah humbug!

Why am I so affected by winter? Do you find that winter affects you negatively?

I have planned events over the coming weeks to keep me busy and resist the urge to nest. Wine tasting here, foliage cruise and dinner there and hopefully, a weekend in Montreal.

Unlike so many people from the Boston area, I did not drive up to Montreal when I was 18 to imbibe like others did. I am not a guy so I didn’t go up to Montreal to visit some of the other attractions that city has to offer that they might like.

I going to ask Secret Sister about going up with me. She was one of those 18 year old imbibing up there but she has grown since then.

Another thing I am looking forward to is Italy. It won’t be for a while but it is a light at the end of the long tunnel of winter.

Insurance–Hospital Run Around

2011-10-11T20:51:00.001-04:00

All day today I would answer the phone and say my “Hello, I’m blah blah.” Three times I got back, you sound like you are sleeping. One of those who said that was Dad and he says that often to me or else I get “Geez, your mousey.” Thanks Dad. He just called me again to tell me to watch the Republican debate, that it was “good.”

I was not sleepy. Maybe a bit drowsy or day dreamy but not sleeping.
I also spent a large amount of time haggling with United Healthcare and if that does not make you sleepy, I don’t know what will. I called about the $809 therapy session bill I got and to find out why it was rejected. Finally after 5 calls to them, I found out that they coded the darn thing wrong. It should have been coded for a regular 45-50 minute therapy appointment and not an extended appointment. Ugh. Extended appointments need a prior authorization call from the provider. They will not give prior authorization to me. It needs to be them.

They won’t and/or can’t give me a copy of my policy. They said contact HR who told me to call United when I talked to HR. Just shoot me now.
Next after that, I had to call the hospital. I got the wrong department, call them and then was told to call the other department. I never got an answer from the hospital as I gave up exasperated. I will continue tomorrow.

They make me want to scream and cry.

I also had an appointment with the nutritionist today and I stepped on that scale. I decided to look at the number. It was a spur of the moment decision. I was curious. It was down –9 pounds from when I last weighed in. I am told I will have a surgery date soon.

I think it was mostly because the last 2 weeks I did phase 1 of the South Beach diet and honestly, I did not miss bread. I missed having a beer or martini or some pumpkin but bread, no. I am ready to take on Phase 2 with fruits and some complex carbs.

Why must not-so-complicated things be so frigging complicated some times?

World Mental Health Day

2011-10-10T11:02:00.001-04:00

Today is World Mental Health Day. I have been asked to participate in the blog party and I gladly said I would be happy to contribute.

Why?

I have been open about my struggles here. How I have good and bad days. How the shadow of depression continues to slyly stalk me from the around the corner. I turn around and it waves. It may be diminished some days but it is there as ever.

Looking me me in a grocery store or walking down the street, you would never see what is going on in my head. The internal battles that I have over how I feel about myself, worthiness, everything. How some days I do not want fight, do not want to get out bed, just want to wither away to nothing.

I look like an average American. I go to work. I come home. I feel like a cow getting on the cattle train to slaughter every day I go to work. I live for the weekend. I am close to my family and friends and just look like an average American gal.

But what is the average American?

About 1 in 17 Americans suffer from major mental illness and 1/4 of all American adults have some sort of mental illness. Staggering isn't it?

It could be your Mother, Father, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, neighbor, me, you, ANYONE. I am not ashamed to say that I am struggling. There are days I need help and support. I can not do this alone. Luckily, I have the blog and it has helped me more then I know.

Asking for help maybe a first big step but you are not alone.

Gorgeous Weekend & Men

2011-10-06T21:33:00.001-04:00

I feel a little better today mood wise. Not happy, not sad, just there. An improvement. Physically though, ugh, my shoulder was killing me and my head felt like it was going to explode. If it is not one thing it is always another.

The good thing is tomorrow is actually Friday. I am working from home so I can actually get work done without getting phone calls or unclogging the copier. If I am lucky, I may even have the tuxedo ~~beast~~ kitty lying next to me purring in my pajamas.

I don’t have much going this week but it is supposed to be gorgeous. A gorgeous New England fall weekend – I will gladly take it. Maybe I will go leaf peeping, though it is a bit too soon here.

Do you ever go leaf peeping?

I have a couple of movies to watch. I have been reading these books and so I added Swedish movie to the top of the list. I had never seen or heard of the actor, Joakim Natterqvist, before but, oh my, is he handsome.

The other movie I have to watch is Robin Hood with Russell Crowe.

I have been stuck on this medieval stuff lately and the reviews were good on Amazon. We’ll see.

Got any good plans?

Support Wednesday: Blahness

2011-10-05T21:15:00.001-04:00

Today I am just blah. Totally blah.

I am not sure why. I feel ok. Maybe it is because I did not get out of the dungeon today. Or maybe just because I got at $879 bill for an hour of counseling for the weight loss surgery and I am going to have to haggle it out with United Healthcare. Just makes me sick to my stomach. Just to listen to my ramblings for an hour? Really?

Blah.

I don’t know. I feel a bit defeated, tired, overwhelmed and honestly, angry. No wonder why I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

My mind had the days all mixed up this week. I thought yesterday was Wednesday, today Thursday, which would make tomorrow Friday. Wrong. I don’t have a long weekend either like so much of the country. My next holiday off is Thanksgiving in November.

The other day there was a problem with Mom’s g-tube that meant it might have to come out. It would not go back in. The tube ended up being ok but one of these times, it won’t be and the call will be that it has to come out and the end will begin. Some times I just wish it would come to stop the suffering.

I think I need a mental health day sooner rather than later.

I am tired. I am off to retreat into a book.

Where I Am From (really)

2011-10-04T20:10:00.001-04:00

How did I get to have red hair, pale skin, green eyes and freckles if my Mother’s family are dark Southern Italians? I don’t look like my Mom. That is how.

There was once a car full of teen age girls driving down a road somewhere in Brighton, MA in about 1967. The driver saw a guy walking along the side of the road and knew him. She pulled over and asked if needed a ride. The only room in the car was in the back seat so he climbed in next to Rita (future Mom).

Rita was not impressed. In fact, he was very drunk and she was worried that he would throw up on her. Luckily, that never happened because that drunk guy was my Dad.

First generation Italian-American married Irish-American mutt in 1971.

My father’s family started to make their way here between 1810 and 1870ish from Longford, Leitrim, Donegal Ireland and Scotland. They came to Boston and stayed. We are still all here, as far as I know. Out side of my immediate family, there aren’t too many of us left that I am aware of.

Do you know where your family is from?

What we did not know that that made their journey to Ireland from somewhere else. Dad is a genealogist. So much so that he participated in DNA genealogy. He swabbed his mouth, my mouth, my brother’s mouth and probably a few others and off they went.

A few surprises came from the DNA stuff. First off, that Dad really is my Dad (not that there was any question about that) and that the origin of that began in Africa, which for pale skinned people like me, would NOT be good. No wonder we moved along.

One thing, my maternal grandparents are from San Donato Val di Comino in Frosinone. It is roughly between Rome and Naples. If you are World War II history buff, it is very close to where Monte Cassino was fought. My grandmother was living there at the time. Someday soon I will get there.

I have the urge to explore the world. If not the world, then my whole country and see every state, which I have not seen very many.

That is my where I am from ramblings. My mood has been a bit blah. Maybe it is getting cold, at least here in Boston and it has been cloudy and rainy. It just affects me. How is the weather where you are?

5 Things: Escapes

2011-10-02T19:57:00.001-04:00

I have fancied myself flying off to see the the birthplace of my Mother’s parents in Italy some time next year. Luckily, there is Kayak to fuel my obsession. I am going to have to save my pennies. The flights were anywhere from $700 to $1,100. That cheap flight was with stops in NYC, Montreal and London. Ugh. The only saving grace is that the Euro is down somewhat when I last looked and that could be good news.

I even plugged in Glasgow, because, well, it is Scotland. Not much better. Between $500 – $600. The exchange rate with the pound is somewhat better as well.

To escape now, I turn to my old friend books instead of food. Boy have I been reading lately.

Here are 5 of the last books I have read:

1. The Green Rider by Kristen Britain

I liked it, not loved it. I was never really into fantasy before I read the Songs of Fire and Ice books and Harry Potter. This book did not grip me like some of the other books in my list but I did finish it.

2. The Dragon’s Path by Daniel Abraham

This is another medieval fantasy 1st book in the series and I will definitely be reading the next one when it comes out this year. This was a could not put down for me book and I liked the characters, specifically some of the not so major characters.

3. Shadows and Strongholds by Elizabeth Chadwick

I am not sure what my obsession with medieval fiction is. Maybe to read about a world so different but eerily slightly similar to today’s society. This is a tale about a young man who goes off to learn how to be a knight and what he encounters along the way a thousand years ago. I loved it.

4. Lords of the White Castle by Elizabeth Chadwick

When I found out that Shadows and Strongholds was actually a prequel written after this book, I had to read the first book you know. This is about the young man’s son who also learned to be a knight and quite possibly was what Robin Hood was based on. I read this book in 2 days.

5. The Road to Jerusalem by Jan Guillou

I had never heard of this book until roaming about the awesome library in my city and it called out to me on the shelf. Ok, the picture of the knight on the cover called out but really, it did. It is the story of Arn Magnusson, a Swedish knight who through some events is sent to a monastery to return home and with one mistake (that today would totally be nothing) is sent off on Crusade. It is also set 1,000 years ago and there was a very popular Swedish film miniseries that will come from Netflix soon.

I bought a Kindle 4 Thursday with some Amazon gift certificates. The fact that you can now take library books out (and the gift certificates) where the deciding factor in choosing the Kindle. God help me.

I Want to Talk About Me!

2011-09-30T23:12:00.001-04:00

Today, I had a productive therapy appointment.

I talked about weight loss and the problems I encountered when I lost the weight each time. The fact that I felt naked and could not handle the attention and how I *hated* with a passion when people would tell me that I was a “new person!”

I have talked about how I don’t want it. It is like the angel on my shoulder who says, “Jennifer Maria (always use the full name), you are not meant to be alone. You are a good person and would make some happy, preferably someone nerdy to be nerdy with.” and the devil in his evilness saying, “Baaa, men who needs them. They will just use you and drop you without even calling. Save it. Have you missed anything in the year or so since you have been on a date? No. Besides, who would want you? No one.”

I am torn from getting back into Boston’s horrible dating scene for a late 30 something gal or just crawl into my internal cubby hole and say “screw it.”

The getting out and getting into the dating scene again is winning out. Loneliness sucks, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.

The “new person” thing totally insulted me.

“Jen, look at you. Such a NEW PERSON.”

In my mind, ah no. I am still the same Jen. I like the same things just smaller. Was I such a bad person when I was fat?

Thin = new, good

Fat = old, bad

GAH!

I might be a little different, everyone is as they get older, but damn, I am the same person with the same green eyes, nearsightedness, red hair and freckles. My weight was different and I had an affinity for Brussels sprouts.

I thought this was very good. For once, I talked mostly about me at therapy. Not Mom or Dad but me.

SB Living

2011-09-29T20:00:00.001-04:00

I am South Beach living.

Not literally, but I am on day 2 of Phase 1 of the South Beach diet. I am liking it. I have done CORE, a former Weight Watchers program, in the past and despite a few changes the two are somewhat close. I was successful on CORE.

I have to lose 15-20 before my surgery and I am hoping that these two weeks will help me in the long run. I am – surprise, not missing bread at all. I do miss oatmeal but bread not really. I know it has only been two days.

I am tweaking one thing. I put a sweetener in my morning coffee and a teaspoon of honey in my herbal tea at night.

I am trying to do this without seeing my weight. I do know what area it is in because I did see the number last time. I will not focus on numbers.

That is such a slippery slope. I want to be healthy and live longer. That is not too much to ask of myself.

In stead of eating, I have been reading. I think Elizabeth Chadwick is my new favorite author. More about my reading pursuits later.

Tomorrow is Friday and it makes me happy. No plans except maybe to go to King Richard’s Fair with not so secret sister on Sunday. I am really looking forward to it.

Support Wednesday: A Writer

2011-09-28T20:58:00.001-04:00

When I was little, I used to dream of being a writer. I filled up notebook upon notebook of stories, most of which I can’t remember today. I am not sure what became of those notebooks. I dreamed of being a writer.

Of stories.

I never really thought I would be pouring my heart out about the ins and out of my life.

Such is life I guess. I never really thought my life would turn out the way it did period. Outside of being a writer, I never dreamed of weddings or what I would name my first born child.

At least I am still writing.

Who knows maybe someday I will get around to actually writing a story.

I am not sure where I would be if I didn’t just say enough is enough and start to write about my journey. It has been up and down these few years. The shadow is still there. Lurking behind the sofa, in the corner, ever present yet sometimes more camouflaged.

It is an outlet. Once I hit publish on the Live Writer, it hits the blog and I feel better. All my worthless, negative thoughts are relieved a little bit.

Some people draw, some people garden, I write.

Holy Moly

2011-09-27T21:10:00.001-04:00

If there is one thing I am paranoid about, it is my moles.

The ones that I can see (and most I can not) are forever driving me to consult the ABCDs of moles. Today, I had my 6 month dermatologist skin check appointment.

I was hoping for a nice clean mole check. One of those go in, the dermatologist scans my body with these magnifying glasses and she says, “They all look ok.”

Unfortunately, that was not to be.

On my lower back was a funky looking mole I could not check myself or obsess over. Unfortunately, most of the moles I have are on my back or the back of my legs. Since I can’t see them, I try not to worry about them.

This mole didn’t even see the sun, which really DOES NOT MATTER.

They took a picture of my mole and when she showed it to me, I thought, “Damn, that does look bad. Different colors, not asymmetrical….”

I have been through this before and I have two nasty looking but freckle covered scares on my left upper arm of moles that were severely atypical and had to get dug out.

I am hoping that this time, it is just an atypical mole and not the M word.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t pale, freckled and moly. If only I had inherited some skin from the Italian side.

So, if you are moly and fry like a lobster, as I do, please go get your moles checked. The M word is no joke.

I will know in 10 days if it is cancer or just getting funky.

The Fighter

2011-09-26T21:44:00.001-04:00

I was lying in bed this morning. Trying to convince myself not to leave. I pulled the covers over my head, tapped the snooze button on my 3 alarm clocks more then a few times and really wished I could melt into the sheets.

I did eventually get my ass out of bed but not before cursing up a storm. I need to keep my job and help my mental health, not hinder it.

Sometimes I just wish for an easy way out. That the Prozac and the Wellbutrin along with talk therapy would cure my depression not just put a band-aid over it and raise my lows. Is there a cure? Is this a life long thing?

Out of everything, writing here has helped me the most. It gets the crazy thoughts out of my head. If you read, great, if not, writing about it helps me. It amazes me that people want to read my ramblings.

I thought about taking a picture of my battered and bruised knee to use to describe myself as battered and bruised but then I had second thoughts. Besides grossing people out, I am not battered and bruised. I am more of a fighter.

5 Things: More Random Jen-ness.

2011-09-25T16:42:00.001-04:00

So, I walking from Central Square T station to Union Square Somerville, for the fluff festival, when one of our awesome area sidewalks struck with abandon. Down I went, totally unaware. Landing on my knee and hands, I hit the bumpy concrete. My good pair of jeans now have a small hole in them and my knee, while scraped a bit, is a fine shade of purple. Sometimes a bag of unused frozen peas in the freezer comes in handy. That is what I was doing last night. I had a date with a bag of peas.

Fluff, you may or may not be aware, is a staple of childhood in New England. Or at least, it was of mine. Peanut butter and fluff aka Fluffernutter is the ultimate comfort food, even more comforting then the cousin, peanut butter and jelly. Hot chocolate with fluff on top. Fluff with jelly. Fluff alone. It brings back happy childhood memories.

I am going to disappoint some of you that I did not take pictures. The festival itself was a bit of a disappointment. I was expecting more fluff walking. Actually, what I was expecting, I don’t know but a hurt knee took away a lot of the excitement as I hobbled around.

So today, I am just resting. Leg up. Pumpkin beer. Rome on DVD. The Patriot’s game.

So a belated 5 Things post is order.

You might or might not be aware of these 5 things about me:

1. I was attacked by a dog at age 9.

We had a dog and he had gotten into toilet paper and it was strewn all over the house. We had just gotten home from getting ice cream when I got into the house first to see the toilet paper. To save the dog from the wrath of my father, I had gathered up the toilet paper and it ended under my bed. I stuck my head under the bed, when the dog’s paw went across my face.

I have over 100 stitches in my face and any closer to my left eye and I would have been blind in one eye. Luckily, whom ever the plastic surgeon was that night, did WONDERS on my face. You really have to be close to see scars now.

My mother thought I would be afraid of my face and of dogs but neither of those things happened.

2. I love tuna fish with apples.

This is another thing from my childhood. Mom would cut up an apple and add it to tuna salad to make the can of tuna go further. I love it. Sometimes, apples find their way into my tuna fish to this day.

3. I love football but sometimes when I watch games that for me count, any Patriot’s game. I am afraid if I watch, they will lose.

I get so nervous and anxious. I hide my head under the pillow. Ever since I was little, I was always afraid after if I watched, they would lose. It has never gone away. I get all knotted in my stomach.

4. I still have my teddy bear from when I was a little girl tucked away in my bedroom.

You can’t see him but he is there. It makes me smile.

5. I do still have a little bit of hope. Just a little.

4, 8, 15, 16, 26, 42

2011-09-22T21:23:00.001-04:00

At one point, my Wednesday nights were booked. The hour of 9-10 or 10-11 was booked. The phone went unanswered. Nothing could come between me and my TV show. After the show, I would get calls wanting to dissect the show until we could talk about it no more. I went to message boards and debated everything about the show.

Maybe, you remember him:

The Amazing John Locke.

Or maybe him:

The handsome Sawyer

Or last but not least:

Ben, because really the show would have been nothing without him.

But 7 years ago, the fateful Flight 815 on Oceanic Airlines crashed with it brought several years of obsessive behavior with me.

I wish there was another TV show that grabbed me like LOST did.

I can’t believe 7 years have gone by. My, time does fly.

All images from LOSTpedia.

Support Wednesday: The Ugly Thoughts

2011-09-21T20:04:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wish there was a magic wand that you could waive in front of me and it would fix my brain. That would be wonderful.

Nothing unusual happened today. Work was busy. I had a headache but the ugly thoughts were plentiful. Just when I put my guard down, they attack.

Your ugly.

A bad person.

Why would anyone want you?

No amount of anything will change that.

I just makes me want to cry. Will it ever stop? Why do I do this to myself? Why?

I don’t think I am that ugly. I am 37. Soon to be 38. I am not a teenager. Why is my mind still playing games like I am?

There is that Everclear song that goes like:

I will never be safe, I will never be sane, I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.

Will this be me?

One day I feel fine. The next I feel worthless. Most of the time, I am somewhere in the gray area.

I have been in therapy for a while. I just wish I had the answers.

Jen’s News Edition

2011-09-20T20:37:00.001-04:00

A couple of news stories caught my attention this week.

No one wants redheaded babies? How can that be?

Did you hear the news that Cryos, the world’s largest sperm bank, has said enough to red headed sperm donors?

Being a red head, I find it a little bit disturbing. Is it so bad to have a red headed child if you are blond?

We red heads have a bad reputation. Most of it not deserved.

Redheaded stepchild - A child who is obviously not your own, a child who is treated worse than other children in the family per the Urban Dictionary.

Temper? Me. No. Ok maybe, but not because of my red hair. I come from a family of intense debaters and every now and then, against my internal control, a little snippet of that side comes through. It is not only me that has this trait in my family. Blond not so secret sister and brown hair brother both are prone to this as well.

And you know what, just because you are blond does not mean you won’t have a red headed child.

There should be more of us pale freckled people out there.

Another news story that really got my goat this week was Pat Robinson saying that it is ok to leave and divorce your spouse if your spouse has Alzheimer’s. I told my Dad about it and he said that he could see a lot of people agreeing with that opinion.

That bothers me as well. I know it is hard but what happened to “in sickness and health”? Ditch a person when they need you most. If you loved them, I don’t see how you could abandon someone like that.

I am not married and maybe I never will be, but I would not want someone abandoning me if I got sick in the future.

Roasted and Toasted

2011-09-19T21:07:00.001-04:00

Boots is a fine handsome healthy specimen of a kitty cat per the vet. Unfortunately, he is now plotting kitty cat revenge. I am sure that involves some pouncing at 3:00 am scaring the dreams out of me.

I am feeling a little better then yesterday. Enough to get out of bed (a little late but I am not perfect), showered and dressed. I had a headache most of the day and if I could have snuck out to come home and close my eyes, I would have.

My headaches disappeared for a while. I was loving it but now they are back with vengeance. I am not sure what causes them. It also goes with my upper back hurting. I am sure I have been slouching. Maybe they are related. In fact, I am sure they are.

I have a new food obsession.

Yes, the humble Brussels sprout. I love them roasted. I can not get enough. What is wrong with me?

There was a little problem with Mom’s feeding tube tonight. Nothing major and the nursing home fixed it but it caused some angst. I try to be the strong one and yet, it is not saying much that I am strong. I am tired and hardly strong but I try to hold it together, I do.

Sunday Sadness

2011-09-18T20:30:00.001-04:00

My plan for today was to get to King Richard’s Faire, a local medieval renaissance fair thingy that is held every September and October here. Unfortunately, I could not muster up the emotional strength to even get dressed until 3 pm. I will go next weekend if the weather is ok.

I just felt blah and decided that I would stay home but at least get dressed by throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I watched the two first episodes of Rome, which came from Netflix this week. I did some cat placating in between.

I just feel sad. Not really wanting to do anything today.

Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better. Just with the excitement of taking Boots to the vet, I can guarantee it.

End Stage

2011-09-16T22:12:00.001-04:00

The meeting with hospice and the nursing home today did not end up like I thought it would. It was all about making her comfortable for her end of life. It has been coming a long time. Mom was first diagnosed over 10 years ago. It has been a long exhausting journey.

We talked about things like if she pulled her feeding tube out, would it be replaced? No. We asked that she come off of her blood pressure and cholesterol medication. What is the point?

The point of the meeting is to make her comfortable and not agitated. We decided to decrease her feeding tube meals because she has been moving so much that she aspirates it and could possible get pneumonia. Eventually feeding through the tube will stop. The hospice goal is to for her to be comfortable. We want her suffering to end.

I talked about how hard it is to sit there for a half an hour when she won’t even look at me or acknowledge me. The hospice nurses suggested that she be laying down and trying holding her hand while rubbing lotion or maybe having music on.

This has been going on for a long time but it does not make it any easier.

I had a bit too many pumpkin beers tonight but while I could really do without beer most times, I love pumpkin beer. Luckily, some nights it is just good to have a friend to talk to.

Wandering

2011-09-15T22:29:00.001-04:00

Being alone is not bad, but it is not good either.

That sums up up my feeling of today. My mind is a wanderer especially when I have a headache, which was ever present today. Then a conversation with a friend talked about dating and how I have been “off market”, not looking, not caring, not anything really. Then I said that I don’t know what I want. Which sums up my life in that regard. I will probably be an old lady with cats unless I find a fellow nerd to ramble on about what I have been reading lately.

I also met with the doctor that will probably be my surgeon. It went well. The office before hand was a little messed up. They lost my file. The doctor was not paged. I was sitting for 45 minutes before someone paged her. I did like the surgeon.

We went through my medication list and stopped when she saw my depression medications. I am going to have to talk to my medicine doctor about getting off of the Wellbutrin SR before the surgery and going to the non-SR version. She said that weight loss surgery won’t help with those and I said that no, probably not. I have lost weight before and my depression was still my constant shadow, stalking me around corners. I am working on it though. I am a work in progress.

She agreed that December would be the best time. She said I should lose about 20 pounds prior to surgery. I think I am going to do South Beach. It may help a bit with what will come after the surgery.

I have a meeting with the hospice people at the nursing home tomorrow morning with Dad. I am not really looking forward to that. I know what they are going to say. It is hard to talk about.

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday. I will be collapsing on the couch when I get home work.

The Way

2011-09-13T21:01:00.001-04:00

I felt like I worked today. I got home from the day of meetings at the hospital and just collapsed on the bed. I hung out with Boots for a while then got my ass up to go food shopping.

As of today, I will probably have surgery at the beginning of December, which would be ok work wise. It is a “down” time, if there ever is one.

We had a nutrition session, a behavioral session and one describing the procedures themselves with a break for lunch.

I know from doing WW for years how to eat healthy. I already knew not to take calcium with the multivitamin or else you are just throwing that money for the calcium away. Sometimes it is just good to hear it again. My friend said I will be so sick of yogurt and cottage cheese after the surgery and that is basically what I took away from the stage eating after the surgery. I thought about getting some cottage cheese tonight but decided to hold off.

There was no guffawing over my not wanting to see the number on the scale today. The weigher was fine with that. I do not want to be about the scale period. They can track my weight if they want. I don’t need to see the number.

I will need lots of behavioral support. My mind is where it all goes wrong, so wrong. Am I really just damaged goods and can’t change the way my brain works? I don’t think so.

On the way home from Hannaford’s tonight, I heard the song, The Way by Fastball. Are you familiar with the song?

I so want to:

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going

Without ever knowing the way?

I would just pack Boots in the carrier, grab his food and some clothes and get out there. Where? I don’t know.

Simple Happiness

2011-09-12T20:57:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is a full day in my journey towards surgery. It is called an Immersion Day. I am not sure what I am in for but I am to be at the hospital all day so I am sure it will be write worthy when I get home.

Today was a typical Monday. I got home and made some ziti without lines for dinner. That is all it took to make me happy. I love ziti without lines. I know it is a texture thing. Just like I love the texture of oat bran/cream of wheat, jello, and stuff like that. I am a weird eater. So on top of food just looking “weird”, I prefer it to have a texture I like.

Image: The Ziti without lines

Mood wise, I have leveled out for the most part. I hover around a 6 most days. Not happy. Not sad. Somewhere in the gray medium. I have taken solace in books and that has helped. Books were another friend of mine in tough times, like food, only they grew my mind not my stomach.

Since I am done with the current Game of Throne books, I have just begin rereading The Once and Future King. There is so much in there that I don’t remember. I am also reading The Dragon’s Path by Daniel Abraham. Sucked into these medieval fantasy stories hook, line and sinker. My Goodreads list is growing. Are you on Goodreads? If so, friend me

5 Things: Feel Good Movies

2011-09-11T19:33:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I look at the computer as a good time waster. It lets me see a world that I may or may not ever see. Sometimes I look at it as an oppressor. Something to avoid at all costs. This weekend, it tipped to the oppressor side. I was busy and I just could not turn the computer on when I got home. I needed a day away I guess.

I have been avoiding the news and the stories of 9/11 on this 10th anniversary. They are everywhere. Ten years ago, I was a 27 year old working for a computer company that made networking parts and that day I was covering the switchboard for the receptionist at the doctors.

Now I am a 37 looking back at the last 10 years and thinking that it could not be 10 years already. How did it go by so fast?

I am going to put a happy note on my 5 Things post because I need it.

These are movies I love for one reason or another.

1. The Station Agent

It is a little independent movie about a man who moves to rural New Jersey to get away from people but can’t. It stars Peter Dinklage and Bobby Cannavale.

2. Secondhand Lions

Another quirky cool movie that I like. A young boy goes to live with relatives and I would love to have his relatives. Yes, there is a lion.

3.Harvey

Six foot three inch invisible rabbit? Why not!

4. Dear Frankie

I love this movie. Besides having quite possibly the sexiest man alive in it, it is a good story about a mother and her son.

5. Miracle at Morgan’s Creek

This one was so ahead of its time. It is about a woman who has a little too much fun with some soldiers and wakes up married and can't remember to whom and then the fun begins. This movie was made in 1944.

Could You Resist This?

2011-09-08T20:51:00.001-04:00

I can not resist this face. He is the true leader of my home.

I may not have someone to talk to on long Sunday afternoons but I have a purring furry beast to pet.

Do you have a pet? Have they helped you, especially if you do not have roommates like me?

Support Wednesday: Down to the Core

2011-09-07T20:48:00.001-04:00

It felt good to go to group tonight. The weather in Boston can be summed up by BLAH! and I needed it.

I let my group know about wish to be invisible. I went on to talk about it. Sometimes it is a lot easier to write about something thing then to actually talk about it. These eyes were staring back at me and all that was running through my head was “Am I a freak or something?”

They did not think I was freaky.

Last week at the meeting with the weight loss surgery psychiatrist, he said to me “You have to get over the attention thing to be successful.”

That struck at the core.

It grabs at striking down the unworthiness, the damaged goods feeling and the whole kit and caboodle, doesn’t it?

I have my work cut out for me but I am on my way.

I deserve to be healthy. Period.

Healthy mind. Healthy body. The two go together. One without the other is not healthy for me.