Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Keeping Kleenex in Business

Winter seems to want to stick around here in the Northeastern US and while I am trying to be optimistic, my immune system has been screaming “Uncle!” I have had this plague sort of thing that has been going around. The sinus infection, the endless lingering cough for weeks, sore throat, antibiotics and all of their wonderful side effects, keeping Kleenex in business and generally in a funk.

I went to see my therapist this week after totally forgetting last week when I was out with the plague. We talked about changing my medication when I see the medication doctor in a few weeks. I said that yes, it is probably time. I have been feeling down a lot lately. I have been taking generic Wellbutrin and generic Prozac for a while. Maybe it is time to change things up. Even the guy has been dealing with my little nightly breakdowns lately. I don’t like to show them but he handles them great!

Because cats make everything better, I leave you with Eli, my neck rub loving, purring big boy, who we discovered this week loves to chew cords!

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Clearing My Mind


The first thing I did when I got home from work yesterday was put on the exercise clothes and put Bailey in his harness and get out there. I put the music on high and walked. 


There is a huge field near my house that has a main entrance way but I noticed that there was a train next to it and I followed it. 


Walking gives me time clear my mind and walking with music shuts up my loud brain.  I do not know why I took that letter I got yesterday so badly.  

When my guy got off work later that night, I talked to him about it and he re-framed it for me. He told me that it was not a bad thing. As a singer songwriter, if he had submitted music to a death metal label and got a letter that it was not a good fit, it would be exactly that, not some critique on my music.

He talked me down from the ledge and this morning, I woke up feeling a lot better. I teeter so much on that line of rational/irrational (at times) that one little thing triggers a cross. 

This blog is going no where in the meantime.  

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Just Not Good Enough

Today is one of those days. 

I got a nice "you do not fit in" letter from my blog and rejection from other sources in my life. That "good enough" line was crossed. I always teeter on the high and low self esteem line but lately, I spend more time on the low end of the spectrum. Honestly, I would hide in my corner and cry but that is not productive at all. 

I am 40, single, never married, no kids and don't own a house. Sometimes in the blogging world, I just feel like one of those freaks that does not fit in. I am not a Mom. I write about deep down stuff. Stuff that would stay in my mind and in therapy sessions, if I did not write about it. I am afraid I make people sad when they read my blog and that will never really grow my blog. 

I have been blogging a while and I am not sure where to go with this blog. I am honest, perhaps too honest. I thought if I wrote about my battle with depression and anxiety, I would actually help people but it is big wide world but sometimes I just feel like I am floundering out there with no real purpose. 

I am not stopping my blog but at a crossroads. I signed up to go to Blogher this year hoping it might help. I am not sure where I should go at this fork in the road.