Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Weight Off My Chest

Where to begin.

Even with this blog, I still hold things back.

I had a little breakdown with the guy the other day. It started when I talked about how dopey I have been feeling since the Topamax, that I have been taking for migraines, was doubled.

I have been flaky when I can honestly say. I am not really a flaky person. When I say I will do something, I will generally do it. I have just been forgetting everything. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the decreased amount will stop it. 

As I went from this topic to how I have been feeling about myself and how I really need to change my depression medication because I have been feeling down more often and feeling lower each time. Even the guy has noticed. When I started on that track, it got to how unhappy I am about myself.

Very unhappy. I admitted that I am totally afraid to lose weight. The weight is still my armor and that I still want to be invisible.  Yet, I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. At least part of me does. I know this sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo but seriously, it is what is going on in my head. My guy listened to me and said that he understands that I have been holding that in. That he will help me do whatever I decide. 

For once in a relationship, I do not have to hold that side of me a "dark secret". I can finally be honest.  I can finally say, "Yes, I suffer from major depressive disorder. I have anxiety. Not it is not a part of me but yes, it does totally effect me."

My anxiety has also been sky high. Coincidence? I think not.