Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Wanting to Be Alone


This post may or may not be a little triggering and it is 100% true and real. It might not be for everyone.

I struggle with wanting attention from men. When someone pays attention to me in a intimate type of way, it freaks me out. I struggle with the fact that I do not want any attention and honestly, deep down inside I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be invisible and it is holding me back from finding someone and losing weight because fat=invisibility. It is kind of a paradox. I take up more room but yet, no one really sees me.

I am told that I am a good person and would be a good catch (if it was not for my weight) but I don't want to be.

How does one get past this besides a ton of therapy? 

This has been the problem when I lost weight before. I hated the attention. How to get over this? Baby steps? 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wednesday Randomness

Sometimes I think that I am so sure of something and wham, that changes. I am wavering about moving to Denver. I want to but worries about money and guilt have caused me to think things through some more.

I made a huge financial mistake yesterday. I made an online payment to the gas company and well, instead of $555.18, I must have put $2,555.18. Gah! Needless to say I do not have $2,000 extra so when I saw the confirmation email this morning, I fell off of my chair. After calling the gas company and my bank, we figured things out. It was just emotionally wrenching.

Now I am starting to freak out a bit about being unemployed. I have been laid off twice before in my life, with no severance and I survived. I will survive again.

How are you all?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Happy Father’s Day

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I have often wondered what could have changed growing up? What if I had told my father what was happening in my life?

I have come to accept that my struggles made me stronger and the Father I have, while deeply flawed, did the best he could for me.

He may have been a bit wild and crazy in his youth (he is in the glasses above) and I could never out rebel him, I want to wish him a happy father’s day. I did call him and woke him up. Sorry Dad.

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there.

Monday, June 10, 2013

I Am Going To Do It

I think I am going to do it.

I have been wavering back and forth but Dad told me to do it.

I think I am going to move to Denver!

I visited a good friend of mine in January 2010 (that was a long time ago!) and I have been yapping about moving there since.

Now is my chance.

I hope to see this more often.

I don’t really have a plan yet.

I hope to find a sublet for a month or two then figure out where to live and live off my unemployment until I find a job. Yes, it is general and scary. I don’t have a boyfriend waiting for me like when I moved to Rochester, NY. It will be me and the cats. I wonder if they will be affected by the altitude?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Jen Reads: Consumed

I have been slacking in my online life. I am trying not to think of my computer as a shackle, it has become that. What have I been doing while I have not been blogging?

Reading!

I have been sucked into reading about Rome and Egypt…..

I loved these two books:

I don’t know much about Egypt outside of what I have seen on TV and learned about in school. This book sucked me into the daily life of Cleopatra Selene, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony’s daughter, who was taken to Rome along with her twin brother and younger brother became captives of Emperor Augustus. I loved the fact I was immersed and could not let go.

I can’t wait wait to read the second book, Song of the Nile!

This book got me on my Rome track and got me to read the above book.  Thea is a slave girl purchased by a Roman, who bought slaves so they could bring music to his life. After he gets killed, she is sold to a spoiled Roman heiress.  While with the heiress at the gladiator games, she sees the Gaul slave , Arius, who becomes a gladiator. It was a nice read that made me want devour more ancient Rome based books.

If you want a light Sex in the City type book based in ancient Rome, this is the book for you. Bickering, scandal, centurions and 4 Emperors, it was a fun read.

Another book series I have been sucked into is:

This one is based off of Irish lore. Sorcha is the seventh child of seventh child. Even though she was supposed to be boy, the forest honors her. When her father, Lord Colum is enchanted by a new wife, their peaceful lie in the forest comes to an end. I myself was entranced by this book and wished the hero of this book, Hugh of Harrowfield, was actually around today!

I have 10 books out from the library. I want to get rid of cable. I guess I know what will take a good portion of my time, when not blogging.

I have been struggling though and I am freaking out about this job loss thing but I am trying to put on a stiff upper lip. How are you?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Monday Blahs

I am here.

Sort of in one piece. Life is slowing down over the next few weeks and I can not wait.

I am trying to get over the summer cold that has stuck around for the last two weeks. Now I am coughing like I have a fur ball in my throat. (Which my Dad says it would happen because of who I hang out with. I guess he has a point. It is fur shedding season.)

I have been struggling and I need a laugh or two today after dealing with Games of Thrones last night, even though I knew it was coming.

If you own a cat, you know..