Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Back to Reality

I am back and sick. I spent the last day of my cruise in my bed with a bad head cold. It is back to reality today.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

First, I just want to feel better.

This cold has sidelined me for days.

I am over it but will it ever be over me?

Off to take some Sudafed……

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Kick in the Ass

Well, I finally got that kick in the ass that is probably best for me.

Yesterday at work, I found out that, due to reorganization, my job is going away. My last day will be July 24th.

While I do not talk about work very often here, I do maybe allude to how unhappy that I am with my life in general and my work life in particular.

This is my chance.

No more worrying about my first step. Here it is.

I am going to get down into the job search once I get back from the cruise next week.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Disjointed Thoughts

Those thoughts that pounded in my head last night, continued to grow and multiply today.

I know I am majorly self critical. Most of the time I am wrong. I have spent many hours, lots of money, taken drugs, gone to therapy and have been aware of my issues for a while yet they still lurk in the dark recesses of my brain and when I am down, they come out.

And come out they did.

The trigger was stepping on the scale for this work thing. We have to earn points and those points determine how much we pay for health insurance. They are looking for you to lose weight, be wonderful, etc. I stepped on the scale feeling pretty horrible. I should not have looked but I did.

I gained weight.

I know it is probably from sore muscles and miscellaneous horrible stomach pains I have been having. I know I should not beat myself over it. It is just a number.

It is just a number.

It is just a number.

But it isn’t.

I would be lying if I thought that. That number tells whether or not I am a failure, how unlovable, how worthless that I really feel deep down inside.

People tell me that I am worthy and deserving of love. That I am not a failure. No matter how many times I tell myself they are right, I do not believe them.

Tomorrow I may feel different. Tonight, I am just not feeling myself.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Sunday Thoughts

Yesterday I walked twenty miles to support the Greater Boston Food Bank. It is something I try to do every year since the food pantry here helped my parents in their time of need.

It felt totally awesome to do it and even though I was in a whole lot of pain today, I still felt good about it.

What I did not feel good about was looking at pictures of me at the event.

Ugh.

I looked horrible.

I could not bear to look at them.

Will I ever look at a picture and not say nasty things about myself?

Is such a thing possible?

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Thoughts About Palm Springs

So I spent about 5 days in Palm Springs. It was a much needed respite with a good friend and a time to forget, sort of, my troubles in the land of palm trees and early bird specials.

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I thought cactus are the coolest things.

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Who knew the date had a sex life? It is definitely better than mine probably! 

I was at the Shield’s Date Garden, where I learned I am not a fan of whole dates but I like a date shake.

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This might be the most controversial part of my trip, especially to obsessed fans who believe the myth in Boston, but I was not overjoyed with the In N Out burger. I loved the vanilla shake. I tried it and well, it was just ok. Not earth shattering.  Five Guys has burgers that are way better.

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The views were awesome!

I was happy I got to go.

Where will I go next?

On a cruise in a few weeks and a girls weekend away in Montreal to  mourn my turning 40 in November. And who knows?

Travel is one of the things I get most excited and giddy about.