Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There Once Was A Girl…..

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you have heard a version or two of my fairy tale. It has been a while so I am going to tell it again.

Once, there was a redheaded tomboy, who loved to disappear outside in the mornings and come home kicking and screaming for dinner. She was outgoing and friendly and full of life.  Near where this girl lived, a toxic waste site was discovered where the town water tanks were and the town had been drinking that rainbow colored, glow in the dark Kool-Aid for years.

This girl grew up way to early. She was still playing with her favorite Little People toys and sleeping with teddy bears. She got her period for the first time at age 8 and was wearing a full adult bra not soon after but she was still a Little People playing, tomboy of a girl. The boys then noticed that this girl had grown up and tried to take advantage of it. She fought them off from trying to touch her in class and on the recess field. She never told anyone what was happening.

Slowly that once outgoing, lively girl hid in her bedroom after school. She would steal cookies when she could and bring them to that room and eat them in secret. She did this for years. All throughout the 4th, 5th and 6th grade into junior high school and into high school. She had turned totally to food and for a while, it was her only friend and it made her feet better. She became bigger but that was ok because the boys would not be interested in her if she was fat and they would not pay any attention to her, even with big boobs, if she was fat and ugly.

While she was in her room, her family life was falling apart. Her mother was dragged down by post partum depression, probably schizophrenia and then early onset dementia. She went from a woman with life to someone whose life was gone. She often thought her mother did not care about her. Her father was a mess and worried about his own problems.

Her one form of escape was to go to college far, far away.  She was still the fat, ugly girl but 1,500 miles away from prying eyes and the taunts. She graduated from college and came home again. She continued to be isolated but she had grown up. She met someone and thought that she loved him. He lived in Rochester, NY and she moved to be with him.  It didn’t work out but she knew it wouldn’t so she was prepared but it continued to kick her down that depression road and she thought of killing herself.

That became the norm. She went to work, came home, went to sleep and began again. There was a spark in her though. She joined some social groups and started to make some friends. She began to get out. She was tired of being alone though the thoughts of unworthiness, unlovable and generally that perpetual cloud over her feelings, persisted.

Things were starting for once to look up and while, there is no ending to this girl’s fairy tale, it may just be the beginning and this is my journey.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Spring to Health

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good but today, it is somewhere in the middle.

I decided to go for a walk this afternoon to clear the mind.  It did not really work but really, I did get some thoughts through the fluff. I have to do something about my weight and my health. I want to be healthy and I do not want to go through what my father is going through at 64.

How to do that without activating the self hating thoughts?

think I am going to continue to use My Fitness Pal, which I sort of stopped using. I like it because if I am hungrier one day and not so hungry the next, I can just jot it down. I do not have to meet a point requirement or beat myself up. I have to do something. Anything but in a healthful way.

Eat when hungry but journal and exercise. If I lose weight, that will be great. The ultimate goal is to be healthy. I am trying to tell myself it is not to lose weight. The number means nothing.


On my walk today, I saw this:

crucuses quincy

This is important because it has been cold and old man winter is hanging on for dear life. There is snow still on the ground! The crocuses are fighters and it make me happy to see them amongst the death of winter.

Is winter gone where you are?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Talking About Life With Depression on Facebook

Facebook blog photo


I decided I should get into the 21st century. So I created a Facebook page for my blog!

I would love it if you could hop on over and “like” me.

I can’t say that I have been doing well. I am struggling. Maybe it is the endless winter with storm after storm or the fact that Dad has been in the hospital or that work has been bad or that I am wicked lonely or a combination of them all.  I think it is just a combination and I am worn down.

I am going to be 40 in a few months and I don’t want to be feeling this way. I have no energy. I called myself a sort of zombie going through the motions the other day. I don’t know. If I don’t take my migraine meds, I have headaches all the time. I can’t take it anymore.

I must take care of myself. Seriously. Why is this so hard?

I am just holding out for the weekend because mostly I have nothing to do.

Dad was moved to a rehab nursing home last night. It is depressing because it is owned by the same people that owned the one my Mom was in and it is like going back in time. I am hoping he will be out in 5 or 6 weeks.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

I Am Here

What a week! I have not had 5 minutes to blog. Between going to the hospital to visit Dad then going to Chicago for work, I have had one busy busy week.

Dad is probably going into rehab soon. I am hoping it will be close in Quincy.  They had to break his ribs to get to his heart so he is still in a lot of pain and will be for a while.

The disturbing part of the week is that Google Reader is going away!!!!!! Google how could you take my beloved reader away?

It has fueled my obsession with reading blogs. I have decided to use Feedly for now. Do you use Google Reader and thought of something else to us to read me and other blogs?

I am going to Palm Spring in April. I CAN NOT WAIT.  We are expecting more snow and I need to get away!

Monday, March 11, 2013

A Long Day

Lately, I have begun to view the computer as an agent of oppression and I am rebelling by staying away from it on the weekends. I can not bring myself to turn the darn thing on. I would rather take a nap or watch Supernatural or something.

I am physically exhausted and emotionally run down today. Dad had a second chance for the Lauriat surgery that he could not have 2 months ago.  So I woke very early and went to get him around 5 in the morning to trek into Massachusetts General Hospital.

The surgery was supposed to last about 2-3 hours and he would spend one night in the hospital. That was the plan. After 5 hours of waiting in the waiting room, I went and asked to see if he was ok. I was told that the situation was precarious but he was stable. Wow. Then I decided to get an breath of fresh air but I got a call on my cell to come back to the waiting room.

I went back and found out that he had a bleed when they went to do the procedure and they were going to bring him to the operating room to try to stop the bleeding.

We got a call and was told that he would be brought to the ICU in about 20 minutes but after another hour and half of waiting, we found out he was not up in the ICU yet. I did get to see him briefly but he was still out cold. I decided to go home because I had been there for almost 12 hours and I was exhausted.

I was alone for most of the waiting but after the move to the OR I called Not So Secret Sister and my brother and they came and waited with me. I was exhausted, slightly cranky and just feeling blah. I am home now and just exhausted. It will be an early night for me. I will go see Dad tomorrow. I work down the street from the hospital so it will be easy to visit.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Song for a Tough Day

I have not done a song in a long time but I was driving home tonight and I heard this song, Harbour Lights by A Silent Film.  I originally thought it was one of my favorite bands, Keane but a little Google searching revealed it was not.  It made me smile. I need a rock.

Thankfully there are little things like the song or a book that make me happy. Did you you hear that reading is a great therapy for depression? I read A LOT and while I still struggle a lot, I would hate to be in a world without books.

I have been struggling.  Thoughts of unworthiness and all of its bedfellows are active in my mind. I went to the doctors today and I am almost  back at the highest weight I was before. Gah! This is has to stop yet how?

Monday, March 4, 2013

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I survived Monday. Part of the reason why I dreading it was because my boss texted me yesterday morning, bright and early for a Sunday, telling me to be in by 8:30. I managed to make it in by 8:30 but of course, she made it into the office way past 8:30. Love that “do as I say, not as I do” management style. Insert eye roll here.

Not only did she come in after 9 but she left before 5. She has kids, which to her, gives her free reign to come and go whenever and since I, a singleton with absolutely nothing to do but work, should slog it out.

I used to love my job. Those days are long gone.

I have to take the big step to find another job. It is the unknown that scares me and the fact that I don’t really know what I want except that it is not what I have now.

I just want a job where I make  difference.  Where I do something to help someone.

I am still feeling down. I just want to curl up and sleep until Memorial Day at the end of May. I am doing laundry tonight because it is much needed and the first night in a while where I could do it.

How was your Monday?

Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Week of Blahs

This past week, I didn’t get home before 10 pm and turning on the computer late was not in my game plan. This weekend was no exception.

I can’t say I am feeling great. In fact, I am feeling rather blue and hopeless.

This week, I don’t have anything really planned and I am looking forward to it.

No more ignoring the blog.