Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Lacking Hope

It gets better. Heard that before?

I may not be a gay teenager but when we talk about life in general, I disagree that life gets better.

There are no rainbows at the end of my problems.

If it is not my Mother then of course my Father is having lots of problems.  My non-existent love life? Not getting better. Work – well, it most certainly is not getting better.

I know I lack hope.

How does one find hope because I am all out of any I had.

I had my first baseline mammogram tonight. That was fabulous. My coworker had told me that because I have “big boobs” that it would not hurt. It just took more than two pictures. Oh well. We’ll see what the results are.

A blog I read, Pursuit of Peace had a posting on living with someone with depression. I had never really thought about it.  Part of the reason I am single is because I have hidden that part of me in previous relationships and whenever I have been honest, it doesn’t go well so perhaps if I keep my messed up self by myself, I just prevent heartache and I just go without and live alone.

What do you think? What is it like to live with someone or have a close friend with mental illness?

I lived with my Mother when she started to change and have schizophrenic tendencies and it was hard. I had to escape it.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

One Step Ahead, Two Steps Back

One of the hardest things to me about being depressed is my feeling of hopelessness and unworthiness that I can not shake at all. And it all hides in my head.

My friend told me that people want to talk to me. That I am outgoing and talkative and far from ugly. Yet in my head the war is raging. I feel that in 40 years, if I am still here, I will feel the same way. That pervasive unworthiness that is every present in my thinking.

I am unworthy for love, happiness, everything. I keep thinking it over and over like a broken record. 


Obviously ruminating over my unworthiness makes it worse.  It is something I chew over in my brain and drives me crazy.


I been feeling this a lot lately and why I am sort of avoiding my blog. I don’t want to admit it but I am sliding backwards a bit. One step ahead, three back but yet I persevere on. I will be posting more again because I need it. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Well, I have been having these pains in the area of my left abdomen and today what I is wrong with me. Shingles!

I saw the rash and went to the doctor and my little self diagnosis was right. The doctor asked me if I have been feeling stressed and I was like, yes, I have a little bit of stress Smile.

I got some medicine, including pain medicine and will be on the mend shortly!

Depression wise I have been struggling a bit. I suppose it goes along with what I have been feeling psychically. I am feeling a bit trapped but totally scared of change. I need to break on of those barriers. How to do that? That is the question.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Pumpkin Sightings

Today supposedly the most depressing day of the year. I am totally feeling it today.

I took Dad to the pain clinic. It looks like they will help him when no one else is willing to touch him with a 10 foot pole. He is going to be part of their management program so I hope he gets some help.

The cats are ok. Pumpkin has been most active. She won’t sit still for a minute but I did manage this shot.


She is more active and out and about, when she is not sleeping and hiding. She is a purr monster and has a lot of energy.

Eli is tucked away in his lair. He did not come out with the red dot or with a toy dangling in front of him. I have food and water near the lair but I suppose he will come out at his own pace.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Kitty Search is Over!

So last night I was a little busy and did not get a chance to post.

What was I doing?

Looking for kitties! 

I am going to pick my new buddies, Pumpkin and Eli on Saturday. I have to cat proof the mess that is my apartment but I can not wait.

Here is Eli.

He was living on the streets in Hyde Park and he won me over. He loves to have his neck scratched and is a shy handsome guy.

This is Pumpkin.

It is a bad picture but the best I could do. She was living in an apartment building in Dorchester. She had 5 kittens, who were adopted and she was in the shelter for a year. She is friendly and will probably dominate Eli. She is orange and white and probably has some Bengal in her past. 

I pick them up on Saturday!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Sleepless For Once

So last night, I had a problem I have not had in ages. If you have been reading my blog for any time, you probably know I could sleep 24 hours a day so last night was unusual.  I could not sleep. I did not sleep until maybe 5:00 am. After laying there and tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I decided to turn on the light and read. If I am going to up, I might as well read.

I read:

If you are a fan of paranormal romance, then this series is for you. I faltered a little bit but picked up the series again. I recommend it. It was decent to forget my insomnia last night.

So I returned to work, half dead from no sleep, and I did ok until about 2 when I brought in a big comfort drink for me. No, not a martini, but root beer! Some people from Europe and other places, question our love of root beer but it reminds me of my childhood. I love it.


Since it does not have caffeine, it was more of a psychological boost and I needed it!

Friday, January 11, 2013


I have been knocked out with a flu like cold. I am feeling somewhat better and mostly human like today. I am still sick and my head is congested but I don’t feel like walking death.

I have to say my mood was definitely down in the dumps during the worst of my sickness. Do you notice that your depression is worse when you physically feel bad?

Prior to being sick, I had a tough week. Dad was supposed to have surgery on Tuesday because he had a cough they decided against performing the surgery so we spend hours in the hospital for nothing. I probably got sick in the hospital.

I am feeling better but I think I am going to take a nap. I still have a killer sinus headache.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Peace Terms

This Peace Agreement (this “Agreement”) is made as of the 7th day of January, 2013, by and between Jen from Losing the Shadow (“I”) and my body (“you”).

The parties hereto acknowledge and agree that they have made peace with each other, in accordance with the terms, covenants and conditions hereinafter set forth.

I hereby agree to commit to the following. I will:
(1) Take care of you as best I can;
(2) Love, accept, and appreciate you just as you are;
(3) Never use self-deprecating or mean language to describe you to others or myself;
(4) Adorn you with beautiful, comfortable clothes and shoes;
(5) Make time for laughter, play, and rest;
(6) Move you in pleasurable ways that are appropriate for you; and
(7) Do my best to listen to your messages and signals.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I, the party to be charged, have executed this Agreement as of the date set forth above.

Jennifer of Losing the Shadow

This came from Body, Love, Wellness, an awesome blog!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Jen Reads: Recent Loves

As I mentioned the other day, I have been wanting to hibernate and what would I do during the little awake time would be read. Lately, I have discovered some books I really liked.

Nightshifted by Cassie Alexander is a fun urban fantasy book. Edie Spence is a nurse in the County Hospital’s paranormal ward. She encounters shape shifters, weredragons, and vampires. She works with a tough bunch but they get along. While caring for an elderly vampire servant, she accidently did not restrain him as she should as and he pulled out his ventilation tube and died. He asked her to “Save Anna” as his last words and it catapults her into the paranormal world. I liked Edie Spence as a character. She is a tough woman who is struggling throughout life. She deals with her family and what it is like to be an experienced single lady, which is lately is not very common in fiction. I am looking forward to reading the second book, Moonshifted!


On the Island by Tracey Garvis is another book that kind of goes against the tide. Thirty year old Anna Emerson takes a job tutoring a 16 year old, who lost school time due to cancer. That tutoring job is in the Maldives. While on the way, with T.J. Callahan, the 16 year old, their small plane goes down somewhere in the Maldives Island chain. They spend 5 years old the island. T.J. grows into a young man on the island and after a few years they develop something more than friendship. After they are rescued, they try to deal with their relationship in the real world. I really liked this book as well. The age difference was handled really well and I totally recommend it.


Maria Snyder’s Touch of Power is another fantasy. Avry  of Kazan is a healer. She has the ability to heal people and take on their pain. Unfortunately  healers are persecuted and Avry has been on the run. She is found by Kerrick, a friend of a plague stricken prince, and kidnapped in order to save the prince.  As they traverse the countryside, other powerful people are also wanting Avry’s services. I loved Snyder’s style of writing and the story. I am looking forward to reading her backlist of books.

Hexed is the second book of Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid series. Atticus is a 21 centuries old Druid living in the Tempe area, running a new aged book store with a mind talking, sausage and French poodle obsessed Irish wolfhound. When he discovers that a coven of witches with a bad history have come to town, he works to see that they move on and battles a demon eating local high school students.  This is a fast paced, fun urban fantasy. I especially love Oberon, the wolfhound. His conversations with Atticus are great. I highly recommend the series.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Winter is…..

Winter is the perfect time for:

Reading – I am reading a big pile of books. From fantasy to romance to history and everything in between, I have been reading. Here are some books I enjoyed:

Reviews on Sunday!

Taking Care of Myself – During the winter, I find myself not wanting to go that extra step to make myself presentable. Shaving, make up, skin and nails all suffer during the winter. Why bother?

Well, this winter, I am changing that.

Learning New Things – I can not ice skate, roller skate, swim or ski. I will learn one of those things.

Some good news – I lost 2.6 pounds during my first week using My Fitness Pal. 



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Dysfunction Junction

I saw this at Barnes & Noble today and I thought, “If only I didn’t have my blog, then I would get this!”


I still might have to get it!