Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Disjointed Thoughts

Those thoughts that pounded in my head last night, continued to grow and multiply today.

I know I am majorly self critical. Most of the time I am wrong. I have spent many hours, lots of money, taken drugs, gone to therapy and have been aware of my issues for a while yet they still lurk in the dark recesses of my brain and when I am down, they come out.

And come out they did.

The trigger was stepping on the scale for this work thing. We have to earn points and those points determine how much we pay for health insurance. They are looking for you to lose weight, be wonderful, etc. I stepped on the scale feeling pretty horrible. I should not have looked but I did.

I gained weight.

I know it is probably from sore muscles and miscellaneous horrible stomach pains I have been having. I know I should not beat myself over it. It is just a number.

It is just a number.

It is just a number.

But it isn’t.

I would be lying if I thought that. That number tells whether or not I am a failure, how unlovable, how worthless that I really feel deep down inside.

People tell me that I am worthy and deserving of love. That I am not a failure. No matter how many times I tell myself they are right, I do not believe them.

Tomorrow I may feel different. Tonight, I am just not feeling myself.

3 comments:

  1. I completely understand and I'm sorry that happened.

    I think it's awful that companies are using weight as a gauge for what to charge for health insurance. Absolutely disgusting.

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  2. I agree with Karen - absolutely horrendous that weight is being factored into the health insurance premium. I'm so, so sorry you have to put up with this.

    I unfortunately understand how you feel about the scale, because it is how I feel too. I constantly have to remind myself that it is a number about my body weight, not my worth. Oh, and you ARE lovable and you ARE worth so very much. God is very clear that we are all so near and dear to Him and that certainly means you too, dear Jen. Hugs.

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  3. I'm sorry you're having these thoughts. I know how hard it is to let them go. You are a valuable human being and your weight has nothing to do with it. If you can't always believe that, then know that you have others thinking that for you. :-)

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