Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There Once Was A Girl…..

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you have heard a version or two of my fairy tale. It has been a while so I am going to tell it again.

Once, there was a redheaded tomboy, who loved to disappear outside in the mornings and come home kicking and screaming for dinner. She was outgoing and friendly and full of life.  Near where this girl lived, a toxic waste site was discovered where the town water tanks were and the town had been drinking that rainbow colored, glow in the dark Kool-Aid for years.

This girl grew up way to early. She was still playing with her favorite Little People toys and sleeping with teddy bears. She got her period for the first time at age 8 and was wearing a full adult bra not soon after but she was still a Little People playing, tomboy of a girl. The boys then noticed that this girl had grown up and tried to take advantage of it. She fought them off from trying to touch her in class and on the recess field. She never told anyone what was happening.

Slowly that once outgoing, lively girl hid in her bedroom after school. She would steal cookies when she could and bring them to that room and eat them in secret. She did this for years. All throughout the 4th, 5th and 6th grade into junior high school and into high school. She had turned totally to food and for a while, it was her only friend and it made her feet better. She became bigger but that was ok because the boys would not be interested in her if she was fat and they would not pay any attention to her, even with big boobs, if she was fat and ugly.

While she was in her room, her family life was falling apart. Her mother was dragged down by post partum depression, probably schizophrenia and then early onset dementia. She went from a woman with life to someone whose life was gone. She often thought her mother did not care about her. Her father was a mess and worried about his own problems.

Her one form of escape was to go to college far, far away.  She was still the fat, ugly girl but 1,500 miles away from prying eyes and the taunts. She graduated from college and came home again. She continued to be isolated but she had grown up. She met someone and thought that she loved him. He lived in Rochester, NY and she moved to be with him.  It didn’t work out but she knew it wouldn’t so she was prepared but it continued to kick her down that depression road and she thought of killing herself.

That became the norm. She went to work, came home, went to sleep and began again. There was a spark in her though. She joined some social groups and started to make some friends. She began to get out. She was tired of being alone though the thoughts of unworthiness, unlovable and generally that perpetual cloud over her feelings, persisted.

Things were starting for once to look up and while, there is no ending to this girl’s fairy tale, it may just be the beginning and this is my journey.

9 comments:

  1. There is so much sadness and pain in this story, but so much strength, too. You have not given up. You are courageously continuing on. And you are going to have a wonderful journey.

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  2. I can really relate to a lot of this. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

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  3. I'm sorry things have been so rough for you......thankfully you are still near the beginning of your journey, and I hope you find wonderful things ahead.

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  4. Just stumbled across your blog and read this post; sending you thoughts of love & light from across the pond...xx

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  5. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. Reading your story today shows me how brave you are! You are inspiring to me and I hope that you will remember how strong you are! I worry about you on your down days.

    Carol

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  6. The fact that you are sharing your story of your depression and struggles shows that there is hope and spark left in you! I hope that you continue along your journey and beat the lies that depression makes you believe. Depression and anxiety are horrible monsters and only win if we continue to feed into their untruths!! {HUGS}

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  7. This is a great post! I think that many people can relate to what you have gone through. Maybe not to the same degree, but on some level. I was fully developed by 6th grade and often had a hard time with it going through school.
    You are a strong woman and have come a long way. You have a lot to be proud of.

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  8. EIGHT? Gosh. That's too young. I'm so sorry for the pain you've endured.

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