Sunday, January 27, 2013

One Step Ahead, Two Steps Back

One of the hardest things to me about being depressed is my feeling of hopelessness and unworthiness that I can not shake at all. And it all hides in my head.

My friend told me that people want to talk to me. That I am outgoing and talkative and far from ugly. Yet in my head the war is raging. I feel that in 40 years, if I am still here, I will feel the same way. That pervasive unworthiness that is every present in my thinking.

I am unworthy for love, happiness, everything. I keep thinking it over and over like a broken record. 

 

Obviously ruminating over my unworthiness makes it worse.  It is something I chew over in my brain and drives me crazy.

 

I been feeling this a lot lately and why I am sort of avoiding my blog. I don’t want to admit it but I am sliding backwards a bit. One step ahead, three back but yet I persevere on. I will be posting more again because I need it. 

8 comments:

  1. Jen, I am so sorry that the depression and ruminating are so strong. I, too, have been dealing with worsening depression, so I feel for you. I understand the feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness. I was able to get some help from my doctor, and I am starting to see some light. Do you have a doctor that you can talk to/consult with about this depression?

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  2. Hi Jen, your feelings won't surprise anybody who feels down. We all know that place. The only problem is we all have different ways of breaking the cycle.
    Finding what it is, is the difficult part. It's like looking for buried treasure without a map. We all have a map. Unfortunatly it tends (like the treasure)to be buried deep inside ourselves.
    Keep digging and then dig some more :-)

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  3. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there and it's no fun at all! Get to a doctor if you can't handle it on your own! You can't live like this.

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  4. Aw, hang in there, Jen! Unfortunately, I understand where you are coming from. Just yesterday, I had a complete meltdown telling my husband that I felt completely unworthy, that I was just a loser and I have no idea why he loves me and I wouldn't blame him if he stopped. It's hard to overcome self-loathing. But I am once again reminded that just because I "feel" something, it doesn't mean that it's true.

    I'm glad you recognize that you are struggling and I wish you much success as you keep up the fight. Hugs.

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  5. I totally know how you feel. I wish I had some brilliant words of advice, but alas, I'm not feeling particularly brilliant lately.

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  6. Winter is a tough time of year for depression – post holidays, spring miles away – and I imagine the climate in Boston is not helping. Have you tried writing down your negative statements, then changing them to positive ones? (i.e. "I am unworthy of love," to "I'm a loveable person.")

    Hang in there...I'm working to break out of a depressive cycle right now, too, and it's good for me to remember that the time of year has a lot to do with it.

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  8. Depression is definitely a serious malady all year round. It's pretty much a difficult condition to handle, too, so communication is clearly a vital aspect of the healing process. relaxv.com | Natural Remedies for Anxiety Treatment

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