Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Lacking Hope

It gets better. Heard that before?

I may not be a gay teenager but when we talk about life in general, I disagree that life gets better.

There are no rainbows at the end of my problems.

If it is not my Mother then of course my Father is having lots of problems.  My non-existent love life? Not getting better. Work – well, it most certainly is not getting better.

I know I lack hope.

How does one find hope because I am all out of any I had.

I had my first baseline mammogram tonight. That was fabulous. My coworker had told me that because I have “big boobs” that it would not hurt. It just took more than two pictures. Oh well. We’ll see what the results are.

A blog I read, Pursuit of Peace had a posting on living with someone with depression. I had never really thought about it.  Part of the reason I am single is because I have hidden that part of me in previous relationships and whenever I have been honest, it doesn’t go well so perhaps if I keep my messed up self by myself, I just prevent heartache and I just go without and live alone.

What do you think? What is it like to live with someone or have a close friend with mental illness?

I lived with my Mother when she started to change and have schizophrenic tendencies and it was hard. I had to escape it.

8 comments:

  1. I don't think you lack hope at all. Why would you continue if you didn't have hope and belief. Some days, some weeks we're not as strong as we'd need to be but it's in us somewhere :-)

    Onwards and upwards, Spanner x

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  2. I think when people say it gets better, they don't mean it gets perfect. Just...better.

    I lived through some of the worst of my mom's depression and I honestly think it has a lot to do with my own. It's definitely not easy.

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  4. Jen, I think we can have hope deep inside and not even recognize it. I have felt hopeless, too--I'm working through a depression slump now--but I know I have some hope or I wouldn't care or even try. Hold on to the hope that you have and nurture it. Nurture yourself.

    It was hard living with my mother's depression growing up. I know that I'm not always a joy to live with, but I try to be good to my husband even as I try to be honest with him about how I feel. Not always easy.

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  5. My mother suffered from depression, and it was very hard to live with it. On days when she was feeling well, we all felt well; on days she was feeling poorly, it dampened all our spirits. I loved my mother dearly, but to this day I still sometimes feel a sense of lightness and relief when I get home because I know I won't have to contend with someone else's depression.

    Perhaps it wouldn't have affected me so profoundly, but I struggle with depression myself. I worry about my husband and feel guilty for exposing him to that, so it gives me extra incentive to work on it. Sometimes I try to hide it, but that never really works.

    I hope you feel better soon. You need a change.

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  6. I have had severe depression in the past and still deal with my OCD. I think there have been times Jen that I have felt very unworthy of the love of my husband and children. I felt like I was a burden to them. I shared my feelings with them and one of my children asked me if I would not love or want to be with them if they had a mental illness? Well, of course I would still cherish, want to be with them and enjoy them! Why is it then, that I think that they want to drop me like a hot potato? Almost everyone has a struggle in life and we are here to support and love one another right? Another one of my adult children told me that, yes, it was difficult to go through that time when I had depression, but she believed it made her into a more compassionate person. I wish I hadn't put my kids and husband through that but am proud of who they are as people. I think depression is take a real toll on us and make us evaluate our self worth in a very negative way. I am worried about you, it makes me sad to hear you have lost hope. Do whatever it takes to get that hope back Jen.

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  8. Thank you for asking your readers the same question. It helps to read about others in similar situations :)

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