Friday, November 1, 2013

Oh How Good It Would Be!

NaBloPoMo November 2013

I have decided to participate in NaBloPoMo with Blogher. There is still time for you to join up.

If I had a million dollars, all of a sudden, what would I do with it?

I would cry. Seriously. I am so stressed about money now and how I am going to pay my rent this month since the state is holding two payments for me and I do not know why. I am ready to cry anyways but this would totally knock me out.

A million dollars!

I would do the boring thing and pay off all of my bills. I would also try to pay my rent for a while but I think I would take my stress from trying to find a job and do the take me away thing. Bora Bora, you are in my sights. I would book a month long vacation in Bora Bora in one of these:

La Meridian – Bora Bora

I have been a big mess lately. Dad is in the hospital again with a skin infection in his leg. I am not really getting anywhere with the job search. I would hate to see what I would be like if I was alone now. At least with my guy and the dog and cats, I have some help. I sit at home and ruminate over and over how things are. I was rejected for health insurance with the state so I guess I am not sure what I am going to for the rest of the year. I may have to just stop everything.

I am really looking forward to a month’s worth of posts with this.

What would you do with the money?

Monday, October 14, 2013

Jen Reads: Recent Favorites

I have not done this in a while so here it goes. Being unemployed, I have time, when I am not searching for a job or entertaining Santana, the dog, to read. These are some of the ones I enjoyed and maybe you will too:

Touch of Power and Scent of Magic by Maria Snyder

 

I read the first book, Touch of Power, a while ago and when I found that I able to put, Scent of Magic, on hold at the library, I did. This is an epic fantasy type story of healer, Avry. She is the last healer in the 15 Realms and is hunted.  She is captured by a outlaw, who wants Avry to heal the prince that has been frozen. It is a great story and has lots of action and a little romance. I totally recommend this series.

For The King’s Favor by Elizabeth Chadwick

Elizabeth Chadwick is one of my favorite authors of all times. She paints a very good picture of England during the Middle Ages in all of her books and For King’s Favor knocked it out of the park for me. It is the tale of Ida de Tosney, a mistress to King Henry II, who meets a young lord, Roger Bigod in Henry’s court.  The new life that she hopes to gain with Roger, is fraught with intrigue. It is Elizabeth Chadwick at her best. I highly recommend her work.

My Fair Concubine by Jeannie Lin

This is my first Jeannie Lin book and the first book based during the Tang Dynasty of  China in the 800s. I was captured by the take of a tea girl, Yan Ling, who is plucked from her life to be a shoe in for a nobleman’s sister, who was to be sent to the barbarians as a bride by the Emperor. I will be reading more from Jeannie Lin in the future!

Siege and Storm by Leigh Bardugo

I wrote my review of the first book of this series, Shadow and Bone, back in September of 2012.  I loved it. The follow up, Siege and Storm, did not disappoint. The story picks up where the story left off, Alina and Mal are trying to run away and escape the Darkling but things are not looking good. She decides to head home and is once again in the Darkling’s magical game.  I am totally waiting for the 3rd book in the series!

Have you read anything good lately?

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Day at the Big E

Last week, I had a day at the Big E fair. For those who don’t know (and being in Eastern Massachusetts), I did not know until a few years ago, it is a big New England state fair held in Springfield, MA. Since Eastern and Western Massachusetts tend to be different countries, I was not introduced to this awesomeness until recently.

What a fun time I had!

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Camels!

 

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Cool bottles!

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It was a beautiful day for the fair.

There were lots of animals.

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Baby alpaca, born days before the fair, and her Mom.

It was a great day. I highly recommend the fair if you are in the New England area.

Here is a final thought:

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It is a flavored Munchkin!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Cha-cha-cha-changes…

If I had to guess where my life would be today, six month ago, I would never have guessed where I am today.

Yes. Seriously. My life has been turned upside down. Totally. I am trying to roll with it.

To top it off, I now have a dog, in addition to the cats. The dog’s name is Santana and he is an American Staffordshire Terrier.  It is a long story on how we got him (yes WE) but we have him now. The cats are adjusting, sort of.

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Since I am still unemployed, I am home all of the time with my new friend, Santana.

I still see the kitties and give them my love.

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Eli is a great photo subject.

Speaking of We, my guy now lives with me, which is good because being unemployed, he will help with the rent. Life is strange. I write this post about how I am meant to be alone and then I meet him. He is good for me and I am happy with that part of my life.

I am paying out of pocket to go to my therapy appointments. It is not too bad but I needed it, badly. I am spending a lot of time alone, because of the dog, but I am trying not to let it bother me. I do try to get out but between the dog and bad IBS-like issues, I have been spending a lot of time home.

The job market for jobs in commercial real estate is not very good but I am chugging along. I am sending resumes and cover letters and the lot but I am starting to feel the desperation of unemployment.

More tomorrow – I promise.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Set Adrift

I am on a raft floating out in the ocean without a destination. Seriously.

I spend my day looking for a job but I really need to find myself.

I feel lost without a job, a purpose, anything….

I do not have insurance currently so I have not been to therapy in a while. That is not good. My mood is mostly stable but there are afternoons like these that I just feel adrift.

I have had two phone interviews this week. I get really nervous around phone interviews. I am just not a phone talker. I have never been. So talking to these companies about how I am an awesome commercial lease administrator. I know the job and I know it well. Then they ask me about salary and I am like, I want this range and then they get all silent. That does not bode well.

I hate telephone interviews. I am a face to face kind of gal. Most of my friends can attest.

Monday, August 19, 2013

What I Need

Still no job but that is ok.

I have been feeling all sorts of messed up. Between my hating myself and just feeling blah and now my stomach is a mess, which is probably connected.

I need to make a therapy appointment stat. I need to get moving and out of the house. I need not to think so much.

What do you need to do?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Overwhelming

Unemployment is not agreeing with me. Today was my first day of actively looking for a job and it was totally overwhelming.

I have been home alone a lot. Too much. Today, the isolating fear of mine started to take over. Secret Sister came over and I didn’t even want her to visit. She handed me what she wanted to give me and walked away. I felt horrible. I did not go to Zumba tonight because I feeling down. I am just overwhelmed.

Thankfully, I am not alone all the time. Tomorrow, I am taking my computer and leaving to search. Sitting at home does me nothing good but let my mind wander into lands it should no.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Week 1

I am surviving unemployment, so far. I attended a sort of orientation to the one stop job center today. I will probably meet with a job coach next week.

The only thing I am worried about is health insurance. My cobra insurance will be almost $500 a month and that is just too much. The state here requires you have health insurance or you get fined. I am hoping to qualify for some sort of state insurance or help paying my fee. It is just too much.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Trying to find a job and stay up emotionally during this if getting to me. This afternoon is quiet for me and I am totally coming down emotionally.  Trying to be up, when you just really want to be sort of neutral takes a lot of energy.

On the plus side, my new friend (not sure what to call him) let me use his air conditioner and I am thinking, why did I wait so long to get one? At least now, I am sleeping in air conditioned comfort. That is a big positive right now.

I will be posting regularly again. I need this blog. Writing is therapeutic.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Hi There

Where have I been?

Well busy sort of.

I have begun to see someone. Yes, me. I have. He is really nice and we have a lot in common and he makes me laugh, a lot.

I started to date him about a month ago.

He googled my blog so he has read ALL about me and has not been scared away. So if you are reading this, hello.

Wednesday is my last day at work. It can not come soon enough.

Most of the time, I have been feeling good. Sometimes it is a rollercoaster type of thing. Up and down, but more up.  I am a bit worried about my health insurance since cobra is very expensive. I am going to try to on insurance through Massachusetts so I can still keep with with my therapy.

How have you been?

Friday, July 5, 2013

6 Blogging Years!

Have I really been writing for 6 years?

Wow. 

Yep. I started on July 5, 2008.

I think I have changed yet I am the same. 

I have not lost my shadow but I am fighting it better. I have great friends and support. I am better able to say that yes, if I spend a lot of time alone, the demons come out. 

Will I be doing this 6 years from now? I have no idea.

I am still a little blog in the sea of the internet. 

I sort of like it that way. 

I saw my therapist the other day. She was concerned about the amount of time that I will be spending alone after the 24th.  I am a little concerned myself. I may spend some time in coffee shops to do job searching or in my beloved library. 

If you are here in the states, hopefully you had a safe and happy 4th of July.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Fitbit Excitement

Someone stole my blogging mojo and I am trying to get it back. I have been spending a lot of time alone and well, turning on the computer has been too much.

I hope to remedy that. I will probably talk about my job search some since that is coming up.

For now, I have a new toy. I bought myself a Fitbit Flex. What is a Fitbit Flex?

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The Flex is a bracelet that you wear that computes your steps, your sleep and if you want your food intake. If you tap on it, the lights will tell you how far you have gone to your goal. Five lights is the maximum you can get.

It sinks with a computer or a smartphone. Since I have a smartphone, I sink it to that often.

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I have a goal of 10,000 steps a day. Some days I make it, some days I don’t. This is a screenshot from earlier in the day.

The computer dash board has some additional little tools that I find interesting.

active minutes

I love that it shows I had 40 very active minutes.

I am working on the simple goal of weighing less than I did the previous month. No crazy tracking. No freaking out. Just trying to move and make some good choices and not binge.

I am a bit worried about my impending job job loss and I am  hoping not to take my worries out with food, because it won’t get me a job or make me feel better.

This was $99 of my own money invested wisely, I think. I am sort of obsessed with the sleep function and getting the 10,000 steps per day. If I start to make 10,000, I will raise my goal to 11,000.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Wanting to Be Alone


This post may or may not be a little triggering and it is 100% true and real. It might not be for everyone.

I struggle with wanting attention from men. When someone pays attention to me in a intimate type of way, it freaks me out. I struggle with the fact that I do not want any attention and honestly, deep down inside I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be invisible and it is holding me back from finding someone and losing weight because fat=invisibility. It is kind of a paradox. I take up more room but yet, no one really sees me.

I am told that I am a good person and would be a good catch (if it was not for my weight) but I don't want to be.

How does one get past this besides a ton of therapy? 

This has been the problem when I lost weight before. I hated the attention. How to get over this? Baby steps? 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wednesday Randomness

Sometimes I think that I am so sure of something and wham, that changes. I am wavering about moving to Denver. I want to but worries about money and guilt have caused me to think things through some more.

I made a huge financial mistake yesterday. I made an online payment to the gas company and well, instead of $555.18, I must have put $2,555.18. Gah! Needless to say I do not have $2,000 extra so when I saw the confirmation email this morning, I fell off of my chair. After calling the gas company and my bank, we figured things out. It was just emotionally wrenching.

Now I am starting to freak out a bit about being unemployed. I have been laid off twice before in my life, with no severance and I survived. I will survive again.

How are you all?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Happy Father’s Day

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I have often wondered what could have changed growing up? What if I had told my father what was happening in my life?

I have come to accept that my struggles made me stronger and the Father I have, while deeply flawed, did the best he could for me.

He may have been a bit wild and crazy in his youth (he is in the glasses above) and I could never out rebel him, I want to wish him a happy father’s day. I did call him and woke him up. Sorry Dad.

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there.

Monday, June 10, 2013

I Am Going To Do It

I think I am going to do it.

I have been wavering back and forth but Dad told me to do it.

I think I am going to move to Denver!

I visited a good friend of mine in January 2010 (that was a long time ago!) and I have been yapping about moving there since.

Now is my chance.

I hope to see this more often.

I don’t really have a plan yet.

I hope to find a sublet for a month or two then figure out where to live and live off my unemployment until I find a job. Yes, it is general and scary. I don’t have a boyfriend waiting for me like when I moved to Rochester, NY. It will be me and the cats. I wonder if they will be affected by the altitude?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Jen Reads: Consumed

I have been slacking in my online life. I am trying not to think of my computer as a shackle, it has become that. What have I been doing while I have not been blogging?

Reading!

I have been sucked into reading about Rome and Egypt…..

I loved these two books:

I don’t know much about Egypt outside of what I have seen on TV and learned about in school. This book sucked me into the daily life of Cleopatra Selene, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony’s daughter, who was taken to Rome along with her twin brother and younger brother became captives of Emperor Augustus. I loved the fact I was immersed and could not let go.

I can’t wait wait to read the second book, Song of the Nile!

This book got me on my Rome track and got me to read the above book.  Thea is a slave girl purchased by a Roman, who bought slaves so they could bring music to his life. After he gets killed, she is sold to a spoiled Roman heiress.  While with the heiress at the gladiator games, she sees the Gaul slave , Arius, who becomes a gladiator. It was a nice read that made me want devour more ancient Rome based books.

If you want a light Sex in the City type book based in ancient Rome, this is the book for you. Bickering, scandal, centurions and 4 Emperors, it was a fun read.

Another book series I have been sucked into is:

This one is based off of Irish lore. Sorcha is the seventh child of seventh child. Even though she was supposed to be boy, the forest honors her. When her father, Lord Colum is enchanted by a new wife, their peaceful lie in the forest comes to an end. I myself was entranced by this book and wished the hero of this book, Hugh of Harrowfield, was actually around today!

I have 10 books out from the library. I want to get rid of cable. I guess I know what will take a good portion of my time, when not blogging.

I have been struggling though and I am freaking out about this job loss thing but I am trying to put on a stiff upper lip. How are you?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Monday Blahs

I am here.

Sort of in one piece. Life is slowing down over the next few weeks and I can not wait.

I am trying to get over the summer cold that has stuck around for the last two weeks. Now I am coughing like I have a fur ball in my throat. (Which my Dad says it would happen because of who I hang out with. I guess he has a point. It is fur shedding season.)

I have been struggling and I need a laugh or two today after dealing with Games of Thrones last night, even though I knew it was coming.

If you own a cat, you know..

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Back to Reality

I am back and sick. I spent the last day of my cruise in my bed with a bad head cold. It is back to reality today.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

First, I just want to feel better.

This cold has sidelined me for days.

I am over it but will it ever be over me?

Off to take some Sudafed……

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Kick in the Ass

Well, I finally got that kick in the ass that is probably best for me.

Yesterday at work, I found out that, due to reorganization, my job is going away. My last day will be July 24th.

While I do not talk about work very often here, I do maybe allude to how unhappy that I am with my life in general and my work life in particular.

This is my chance.

No more worrying about my first step. Here it is.

I am going to get down into the job search once I get back from the cruise next week.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Disjointed Thoughts

Those thoughts that pounded in my head last night, continued to grow and multiply today.

I know I am majorly self critical. Most of the time I am wrong. I have spent many hours, lots of money, taken drugs, gone to therapy and have been aware of my issues for a while yet they still lurk in the dark recesses of my brain and when I am down, they come out.

And come out they did.

The trigger was stepping on the scale for this work thing. We have to earn points and those points determine how much we pay for health insurance. They are looking for you to lose weight, be wonderful, etc. I stepped on the scale feeling pretty horrible. I should not have looked but I did.

I gained weight.

I know it is probably from sore muscles and miscellaneous horrible stomach pains I have been having. I know I should not beat myself over it. It is just a number.

It is just a number.

It is just a number.

But it isn’t.

I would be lying if I thought that. That number tells whether or not I am a failure, how unlovable, how worthless that I really feel deep down inside.

People tell me that I am worthy and deserving of love. That I am not a failure. No matter how many times I tell myself they are right, I do not believe them.

Tomorrow I may feel different. Tonight, I am just not feeling myself.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Sunday Thoughts

Yesterday I walked twenty miles to support the Greater Boston Food Bank. It is something I try to do every year since the food pantry here helped my parents in their time of need.

It felt totally awesome to do it and even though I was in a whole lot of pain today, I still felt good about it.

What I did not feel good about was looking at pictures of me at the event.

Ugh.

I looked horrible.

I could not bear to look at them.

Will I ever look at a picture and not say nasty things about myself?

Is such a thing possible?

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Thoughts About Palm Springs

So I spent about 5 days in Palm Springs. It was a much needed respite with a good friend and a time to forget, sort of, my troubles in the land of palm trees and early bird specials.

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I thought cactus are the coolest things.

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Who knew the date had a sex life? It is definitely better than mine probably! 

I was at the Shield’s Date Garden, where I learned I am not a fan of whole dates but I like a date shake.

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This might be the most controversial part of my trip, especially to obsessed fans who believe the myth in Boston, but I was not overjoyed with the In N Out burger. I loved the vanilla shake. I tried it and well, it was just ok. Not earth shattering.  Five Guys has burgers that are way better.

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The views were awesome!

I was happy I got to go.

Where will I go next?

On a cruise in a few weeks and a girls weekend away in Montreal to  mourn my turning 40 in November. And who knows?

Travel is one of the things I get most excited and giddy about.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Escape To Palm Springs Part 1

I don’t want my vacation to be over but it is. I am back from Palm Springs. Fortunately, the light at the end of my travel tunnel is still shining brightly. It was a journey to actually get to Palm Springs since I left the Friday that the city was shut down.

My phone is dead so I am only sharing a few of my photos now, with more to come.

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I was looking at photos of me during my trip and this is bar far my favorite. I am not going to say anything bad about myself but ugh….. I was at Indian Canyons, which was beautiful!

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A palm oasis in Indian Canyons. So pretty.  What I liked it was so different from Boston. The desert is just a place of its own.

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I loved these teddy bear cactuses or cholla. They are big and fuzzy like a teddy bear but they hurt you unlike a teddy bear

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I even went to jail at Pioneertown.

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More detail tomorrow.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

California Here I Come

I am off to Palm Springs in the morning. I am so looking forward to it.

I have a little cold and with the events of this week, I need a nice sunny vacation. I will not be blogging while I am away so I will see you when I get home.

I promise lots and lots and lots of pictures.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Hello from Boston

As many of you know, I live in the Boston area and work downtown.

It was a state holiday here but because I work for a national company, they do not honor that holiday at work.

I was working and no where near the marathon. I work on the other side of downtown Boston.

The whole thing was just senseless and I don’t understand how someone can do that.

I just don’t understand.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

New Goals

I have  about 5 and a half months until I turn 40. The thought sort of gets me down but in an effort to be somewhat positive, I am going to set some sort of goals for those 5 and a half months.

1. Visit Boston Light – It totally is a 3 hour tour! I have been wanting to do this for a long time. It is a historic lighthouse and I am such a history nerd.

2. Finally, visit the Adams family.  This has been on my list before and well, I live right around the corner. No excuses!

3. Purge – big time. I am not a hoarder but just living I have acquired way too much stuff (this does not include books, FYI) and I need to get rid of stuff.

4. Enjoy the outdoors. Whether that is walking in the plethora of parks in the Boston area or my neighborhood or reading outside, I need to get out more. After this winter, I am feeling cooped up.

5. Write three positive things a day. Whether about myself or anything, just three positive things. It can’t be that hard, can it?

6. I live in a city with a large Asian population. I want to go to one of the restaurants here that the writing is mainly is in Chinese.  Totally stepping out of my comfort zone.

What are your spring/summer goals?

 

My positive things:

1. My cats make me smile.

2. I love my freckles. Every one of them.

3. I am really really looking forward to Palm Springs next week.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Time

Another weekend gone.

Where does time go?

And why do I feel I have accomplished nothing with the time I have had?

This week is quieter and I am looking forward to it. I am joining Weight Watchers with a friend tomorrow.

I am looking forward to the quiet week.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Honesty During Therapy

I suppose this could be said about most of my medical appointments. 

I do not tell the whole truth during them. I skirt around the issues maybe because I am embarrassed.

I don't lie and I know the only one I am hurting is myself.  Whether it be the strength of my migraines or the depth of my depression and hopelessness. 

Today I was honest about how hopeless, run down and just plain emotionally tired I have been feeling. I told my therapist that those videos that tell you life gets better than when you are a teen are lying. It does not get better :(

She asked if I was feeling suicidal and I said not really but sometimes I think, "Maybe if a bus hit me..." 

I said I have been on a down swing of the roller coaster lately. Maybe it is what is going with Dad and the endless winter and the negative thoughts about myself. A friend told me to name 3 positive things about myself and I had a very hard time. I could spout three negative things in 10 seconds flat.

I am feeling the pull of locking myself in my apartment, sleeping all day and never getting out of my pajamas. Losing interest in things you love is a sign of depression. I feel it.

I haven't wanted to write about where I am mentally. I have just wanted to come home, read and sleep. I have wanted to withdraw into a book (That would totally be my superpower to go into books and come out of books with stuff.) and sleep.

 I know that since I also gave platelets lately that I am seriously borderline anemic and that is a contributor to why I want to sleep forever.

I see my therapist next week as well.

The light at the end of the tunnel is Palm Springs in 2 weeks. I CAN NOT WAIT. 




Monday, April 1, 2013

Migraine Blues

I have been plagued by migraines lately. They are getting very bad. My ears begin to hurt and ring, the pain around my eye is massive, my jaw hurts and I just want to curl up in a ball, cry and/or sleep. None of the medicine I take really works. Topamax sort of reduces the amount of migraines I get but the intensity is way up.

I really effects my mood. Pain is a huge depression trigger. When I do my feel physically good, I do not feel mentally good.

I often wonder if the two are wound together and can’t survive without the other. Just a simple Google search of migraines and depression bring up lots of results that say yes, they are related.

To another another thing to the mix, my rosacea is getting worse.  I have heard of the connection of migraines and rosacea. The red bumps on my face seem to be spreading.

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I do not want to go on antibiotics but that is the only things the really seems to help.

I am just tired and hurting. I want to cry uncle with my migraines.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There Once Was A Girl…..

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you have heard a version or two of my fairy tale. It has been a while so I am going to tell it again.

Once, there was a redheaded tomboy, who loved to disappear outside in the mornings and come home kicking and screaming for dinner. She was outgoing and friendly and full of life.  Near where this girl lived, a toxic waste site was discovered where the town water tanks were and the town had been drinking that rainbow colored, glow in the dark Kool-Aid for years.

This girl grew up way to early. She was still playing with her favorite Little People toys and sleeping with teddy bears. She got her period for the first time at age 8 and was wearing a full adult bra not soon after but she was still a Little People playing, tomboy of a girl. The boys then noticed that this girl had grown up and tried to take advantage of it. She fought them off from trying to touch her in class and on the recess field. She never told anyone what was happening.

Slowly that once outgoing, lively girl hid in her bedroom after school. She would steal cookies when she could and bring them to that room and eat them in secret. She did this for years. All throughout the 4th, 5th and 6th grade into junior high school and into high school. She had turned totally to food and for a while, it was her only friend and it made her feet better. She became bigger but that was ok because the boys would not be interested in her if she was fat and they would not pay any attention to her, even with big boobs, if she was fat and ugly.

While she was in her room, her family life was falling apart. Her mother was dragged down by post partum depression, probably schizophrenia and then early onset dementia. She went from a woman with life to someone whose life was gone. She often thought her mother did not care about her. Her father was a mess and worried about his own problems.

Her one form of escape was to go to college far, far away.  She was still the fat, ugly girl but 1,500 miles away from prying eyes and the taunts. She graduated from college and came home again. She continued to be isolated but she had grown up. She met someone and thought that she loved him. He lived in Rochester, NY and she moved to be with him.  It didn’t work out but she knew it wouldn’t so she was prepared but it continued to kick her down that depression road and she thought of killing herself.

That became the norm. She went to work, came home, went to sleep and began again. There was a spark in her though. She joined some social groups and started to make some friends. She began to get out. She was tired of being alone though the thoughts of unworthiness, unlovable and generally that perpetual cloud over her feelings, persisted.

Things were starting for once to look up and while, there is no ending to this girl’s fairy tale, it may just be the beginning and this is my journey.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Spring to Health

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good but today, it is somewhere in the middle.

I decided to go for a walk this afternoon to clear the mind.  It did not really work but really, I did get some thoughts through the fluff. I have to do something about my weight and my health. I want to be healthy and I do not want to go through what my father is going through at 64.

How to do that without activating the self hating thoughts?

think I am going to continue to use My Fitness Pal, which I sort of stopped using. I like it because if I am hungrier one day and not so hungry the next, I can just jot it down. I do not have to meet a point requirement or beat myself up. I have to do something. Anything but in a healthful way.

Eat when hungry but journal and exercise. If I lose weight, that will be great. The ultimate goal is to be healthy. I am trying to tell myself it is not to lose weight. The number means nothing.

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On my walk today, I saw this:

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This is important because it has been cold and old man winter is hanging on for dear life. There is snow still on the ground! The crocuses are fighters and it make me happy to see them amongst the death of winter.

Is winter gone where you are?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Talking About Life With Depression on Facebook

Facebook blog photo

 

I decided I should get into the 21st century. So I created a Facebook page for my blog!

I would love it if you could hop on over and “like” me.

I can’t say that I have been doing well. I am struggling. Maybe it is the endless winter with storm after storm or the fact that Dad has been in the hospital or that work has been bad or that I am wicked lonely or a combination of them all.  I think it is just a combination and I am worn down.

I am going to be 40 in a few months and I don’t want to be feeling this way. I have no energy. I called myself a sort of zombie going through the motions the other day. I don’t know. If I don’t take my migraine meds, I have headaches all the time. I can’t take it anymore.

I must take care of myself. Seriously. Why is this so hard?

I am just holding out for the weekend because mostly I have nothing to do.

Dad was moved to a rehab nursing home last night. It is depressing because it is owned by the same people that owned the one my Mom was in and it is like going back in time. I am hoping he will be out in 5 or 6 weeks.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

I Am Here

What a week! I have not had 5 minutes to blog. Between going to the hospital to visit Dad then going to Chicago for work, I have had one busy busy week.

Dad is probably going into rehab soon. I am hoping it will be close in Quincy.  They had to break his ribs to get to his heart so he is still in a lot of pain and will be for a while.

The disturbing part of the week is that Google Reader is going away!!!!!! Google how could you take my beloved reader away?

It has fueled my obsession with reading blogs. I have decided to use Feedly for now. Do you use Google Reader and thought of something else to us to read me and other blogs?

I am going to Palm Spring in April. I CAN NOT WAIT.  We are expecting more snow and I need to get away!

Monday, March 11, 2013

A Long Day

Lately, I have begun to view the computer as an agent of oppression and I am rebelling by staying away from it on the weekends. I can not bring myself to turn the darn thing on. I would rather take a nap or watch Supernatural or something.

I am physically exhausted and emotionally run down today. Dad had a second chance for the Lauriat surgery that he could not have 2 months ago.  So I woke very early and went to get him around 5 in the morning to trek into Massachusetts General Hospital.

The surgery was supposed to last about 2-3 hours and he would spend one night in the hospital. That was the plan. After 5 hours of waiting in the waiting room, I went and asked to see if he was ok. I was told that the situation was precarious but he was stable. Wow. Then I decided to get an breath of fresh air but I got a call on my cell to come back to the waiting room.

I went back and found out that he had a bleed when they went to do the procedure and they were going to bring him to the operating room to try to stop the bleeding.

We got a call and was told that he would be brought to the ICU in about 20 minutes but after another hour and half of waiting, we found out he was not up in the ICU yet. I did get to see him briefly but he was still out cold. I decided to go home because I had been there for almost 12 hours and I was exhausted.

I was alone for most of the waiting but after the move to the OR I called Not So Secret Sister and my brother and they came and waited with me. I was exhausted, slightly cranky and just feeling blah. I am home now and just exhausted. It will be an early night for me. I will go see Dad tomorrow. I work down the street from the hospital so it will be easy to visit.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Song for a Tough Day

I have not done a song in a long time but I was driving home tonight and I heard this song, Harbour Lights by A Silent Film.  I originally thought it was one of my favorite bands, Keane but a little Google searching revealed it was not.  It made me smile. I need a rock.

Thankfully there are little things like the song or a book that make me happy. Did you you hear that reading is a great therapy for depression? I read A LOT and while I still struggle a lot, I would hate to be in a world without books.

I have been struggling.  Thoughts of unworthiness and all of its bedfellows are active in my mind. I went to the doctors today and I am almost  back at the highest weight I was before. Gah! This is has to stop yet how?

Monday, March 4, 2013

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I survived Monday. Part of the reason why I dreading it was because my boss texted me yesterday morning, bright and early for a Sunday, telling me to be in by 8:30. I managed to make it in by 8:30 but of course, she made it into the office way past 8:30. Love that “do as I say, not as I do” management style. Insert eye roll here.

Not only did she come in after 9 but she left before 5. She has kids, which to her, gives her free reign to come and go whenever and since I, a singleton with absolutely nothing to do but work, should slog it out.

I used to love my job. Those days are long gone.

I have to take the big step to find another job. It is the unknown that scares me and the fact that I don’t really know what I want except that it is not what I have now.

I just want a job where I make  difference.  Where I do something to help someone.

I am still feeling down. I just want to curl up and sleep until Memorial Day at the end of May. I am doing laundry tonight because it is much needed and the first night in a while where I could do it.

How was your Monday?

Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Week of Blahs

This past week, I didn’t get home before 10 pm and turning on the computer late was not in my game plan. This weekend was no exception.

I can’t say I am feeling great. In fact, I am feeling rather blue and hopeless.

This week, I don’t have anything really planned and I am looking forward to it.

No more ignoring the blog.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

It Has Been A Year

Ever been told you are too passionate?

Not in a romantic sense but just care too much about something or can be vocal about an issue or a hobby?

I have. I am passionate about my job. I care whether something is done right. I care about my job. Co-workers said that I needed to be less passionate about my job. Just to get what needs to be done, done and let it go.

It will be tough. I don’t have the don’t care attitude of many of my co-workers. It is hard to let go. Why be passionate and care when it gets me no where at all with the company?

I have had a killer migraine for a few days, which includes ear aches and non-stop buzzing. Gah! I get so tired of it. I feel like I need to be stretched on a medieval stretching machine and then maybe my tired self will feel better.

I have to take care of myself.

Plus this week makes it a year since Mom died. She died on March 2, 2012. I miss her so much. Plus with the snow, getting down to the National Cemetery is pointless since the graves are flat and probably snow covered. I feel guilty for not visiting. I did not even get down at Christmas.

It is going to be a tough few days.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Letting the Past Rule Today

Have you seen this video?


I saw this at work and started to cry. If you have been reading this blog for any time, you may know that I am still struggling with the hurtful words and actions that plagued my childhood. Those feeling of being ugly, unlovable, worthless and generally not worth the air I breathe but yet I yet I struggle through each day. 

This spoke to me. I am almost 40 years old. When am I going to stop letting something from 30 years ago bother me? Why do I still believe it? How can I let go?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Where Did She Go?

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Where did the girl in the photo go? Is she still in me?

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She is still in me somewhere.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Jen Reads: Snowed In

It snowed again last night. Perfect reading weather if you ask me.

What am I reading:

I am such a sucker for talking dogs and talking giant squirrels. What can I say, I am a big softie.  This series of a Druid immortal living in Tempe, Arizona has me laughing. I recommend it.

I love historical fiction based in the middle ages. This book has sucked me in and I am totally rooting for Llewelyn.

This is the last book that is out in the series and once I started to read the series, I had to read all of it. I have just started this.

I finished this book and I loved it. Sky lives with her adoptive mother. She was home schooled all her life but convinced her mother to let her go to the high school for her senior year. While at a store, she meets Dean Holder, a bad boy who spent a year away from school, and she is drawn to him.  He helps her uncover some serious problems with her life.

The book really handled some serious issues like abuse and forgotten memories well. As someone who has some serious struggles in that area of my life, I was drawn in and could not put my Kindle down.

This is the start of a new series and I can not wait to read more about Sky and Holder.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Facebook Thanks

Today on Facebook, I posted about how I was .0000001 away from having a nervous breakdown. This is nothing new. I tend to post obscure things about my mood on Facebook.  Whether it is moaning about the snow or talking how I am really struggling with depression that day, someone is usually there to comment and it makes me happy.

What did we do before Facebook and computers?

I don’t know but I am far more dependent on Facebook, blogs and all things social media than I should be. I think I could live without it but it might be hard!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Snow Bound!

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I survived Nemo! I did lose power last night around 8 until around 1 pm today. I have been alone a little too long and once public transportation gets going, possibly tomorrow, I will make my escape for a bit. We got about 30 inches of snow here in Quincy.  I have not been outside, this is taken from my window.

I was nominated for a Liebster Award from Mary Fran. She asked that some questions be answered so here it it goes:

1.  If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?

I would have told someone what was happening to me as a kid. Other than that, I am ok.

2.  What is your favorite color?

Green! Green!

3.  If you could go on a vacation anywhere in the world...where would it be?  Why?

Oh right now, Bora Bora for sure!

4.  What is your favorite thing about your body?

My freckles!

5.  If you were shopping right now..what store/department would you be in?

Oh, clothing for sure. I love clothes.

6.  Favorite type of book to read?

Oh romance for sure – paranormal or historical. It was too cold to read earlier today.

7.  Longest distance you have ever ridden on a bike?

10 miles or what seemed like it.

8.  Glasses, contacts or perfect vision?

I wear both glasses and contacts, not at the same time though.  If I am not going anywhere, the glasses are on.

9.  Toenails...painted or au natural?

It is the winter, au natural. Why bother when you won’t see my toes until summer.

10.  Best thing about your life?

My freedom to do what I want, when I want, where I want…

11.  What kind of car do you drive?

2009 Ford Focus that I love a lot

Since I am such a wuss and I love the blogs, I love you all! You all get awards from me.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

What To Buy Before a Snow Apocalypse

You might have heard that there is a snow-apocalypse coming to New England? Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel is even in town. Whether or not tomorrow it actually happens, I went to the Hannaford supermarket here in Quincy, MA and well, I was surprised by what I saw.

Capture snow

I live in the 18-24” area but given the storm hype, I am weary.  That “OMG! It is the Blizzard of 78 all over again!” mentality that drives people, including me to the store. I was a 4 year old during the storm and it was even engraved in my head.

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Who knew that Quincy-ites (not sure that is a word) are such tomato lovers that they must buy them before a blizzard? Maybe it is a scurvy thing.

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I know that having pancakes during the snow is a nice thing.

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I suppose we need to get some iron somehow and what better with a burger?

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Or perhaps some chicken?

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You can’t make French toast without the following ingredients:

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Bread!

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Eggs!

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Milk!

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Honey Nut Cheerios are wicked popular.

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Freschetta is a popular storm choice.

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Triscuits are obviously a necessity.

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You have to drink something. Maybe some wine, which I am fortified with of course but you can’t drink wine all day! And as you stand in line, don’t yell at your fellow line mates, bitch about that snow-apocalypse.

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Whether you hit the many supermarkets in the area, take your bread, eggs, milk and soda, and make some darn good French toast.

I will post an update during the storm because even thought I am a life long New Englander, one must take pictures of the snow.