Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sandy’s Visit

I survived Hurricane Sandy unscathed. It was wicked windy and it rained a lot but thankfully, I did not lose power.

Mostly I worried about Not So Secret Sister, who lives right across the street from the beach in a basement apartment. The water had gone over the sea wall across the street but luckily, the wall right near her apartment was ok and she escaped flooding by the skin of her teeth. Even Dad’s place, which loses power at least once a week due to suicide squirrels, kept his power with only one blink.

If you were in her path, did you fare well?

I was alone all day yesterday. I did some work from home but after that was done I slept. It seems like that is my favorite place lately. I broke into the Halloween candy but there is still some left for the kids.

The biggest damage to my street were the amount of leaves on the street. You could not see the street. There were a couple of damaged houses but no trees down that I could see.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Jen Reads: Hurricane Addition

You may or may not have heard but a hurricane is on the way to the North East USA. I am sort of looking forward to it but honestly, why don’t businesses close during these storms. Is the need to make the almighty dollar that high that for one day you can not tell your employees to be safe?

Gah! This just makes me angry.

If you are in Sandy’s path, hopefully you will not have to work and can stay safe at home with your family.

I have been reading. I just finished the last book of the Fever series, Shadowfever.

I find that lately, books are part of a series. I read the first book, I like it and then I am compelled to read the second, third and all of the books in the series. This was the case in this series.

MacKayla Lane is from small town Georgia, where she is a bartender. She finds out that her sister has been murdered while she was studying in Dublin, Ireland. She goes to Ireland, where she find that she was born with the ability to see fae and sense their magical items. She meets Barrons, the mysterious owner of the Barron’s Books and Baubles book store, which would be an awesome book store to have around, and they search for the mystical Sinsar Dubh.

Of all the urban fantasy book creatures, the fae are probably my favorite to write about. Ms. Moning created a world in Ireland where the fae are having a war between the Seelie and Unseelie fae while humans are trying to live. They are wrecking havoc on the city and the Unseelie are creating vast areas of dark zones in Dublin that just disappear off of the map.

The book is definitely urban fantasy with a splash of romance. The square between MacKayla, Barrons, V’lane, the Seelie prince, and Darroc, a cast out Seelie that has been leading the Unseelie kept me interested.

I definitely recommend this series!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Friday Happiness: Supernatural!

What made me happy this week?

I have a new obsession and it came to me a little late. Luckily, there is Netflix.

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I am now a big fan of Arrow, which is on CW on Wednesday nights here at 8 PM. What comes after Arrow? Supernatural!

Luckily, I have put all 7 or so seasons on my Netflix list.

Another thing to do on the long winter or hurricane nights to come. Sandy is coming to Boston.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Support Wednesday: Less Negative, More Positive

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When I called in sick on Monday, I didn’t shower and I didn’t get out of bed. I wasn’t feeling good and I know that my mood responds downward when I don’t feel good. When I don’t feel good, the negative thoughts flood in. So tonight I went into group feeling a little bit funky.

Tonight’s topic was low self image and its effect on relationships of any kind.

Now my low self esteem has been really detrimental to me in some relationships. I have been dumped because I have had low self esteem. I have stayed in miserable relationships because I did not think I deserved any better. I isolate myself to avoid the hurt of being rejected even though I love meeting new people, am friendly and would make a great friend to anyone (more positive, less negative).

It still totally holds me back. This worthy feeling is so fleeting.

Do you have any self esteem, worthiness boasting tips? Do you struggle with it?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Blahness

I decided to take a sick day today. I work up with a sore throat and a really bad migraine that I decided to stay home. I would have been miserable to be around. That is why they give you sick days right?

I have been feeling sort of down all weekend. I spent another weekend mostly alone except for a visit to my Dad and some errands.

I should know being alone is a major trigger. Next weekend, I have enough to do that I won’t be alone for long.

I definitely think I need another cat, soon.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Knitting Again

I had stopped knitting for a while but now I am back.

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Maybe it is one step towards recovery that I have picked up something I loved to do. I have been knitting while watching TV and I would like to find a new knitting group to attend.

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I am making the cabled cowl in the picture above. I found it is in the Knitscene Accessories Special Issue.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Support Wednesdays Are Back!

The last time I posted a Support Wednesday post was on October 26, 2011. I am happy to have resurrected it.

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Tonight I went back to the eating disorders support group. While I may not have gone back to most of my bad behaviors but the feelings were there. The worthlessness and the unlovable thoughts were totally present. My therapist suggested I go back to the meetings and they were probably the most helpful of any therapy that I have been to in all my years of therapy.

Tonight, the group touched upon relationships with partners or friends and how you broach the subject of the disorder, the depression, the self-hatred, all of it.

Most of the time, it is my little dark secret. I pour my heart out on this blog but yet in a dating relationship and some friendships, I am afraid to lose someone if I talk about it. I may casually mention that I may or may not see a therapist but all those other little issues, well, they are casually ignored. If I do say something, will I be rejected? Will they not like me anymore?

I know that my self esteem issues keep me from getting in a relationship. I don’t really feel like I deserve it. I must have some sort of f----d up aura that keeps people away.

How do you deal with your issues in your relationships whether it be a love interest or a friend?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Fall Sort of Goals

Tonight I went to the gym for the first time since joining the Planet Fitness down the street from where I live. As I was walking home in the the rain without an umbrella, I thought, I need some goals and things to look forward to this fall.

So here are some goals and things to do this fall.

  • My healthy goal is to work out either at Life in Synergy or at Planet Fitness or somewhere four times a week.
  • Attend my Wednesday group for the time being.

I like having things to look forward to. It gives me something to hope for.

Yes, it does seem like a bit much, but we shall see. What would you like to do this fall besides drown in pumpkin spice lattes?

Friday, October 12, 2012

FDA Recall of Budeprion

I put off my happiness post off for a day. There was some big news in the mental health world today.

Do you take generic Wellbutrin?

Well, today the FDA recalled Budeprion XL 300 mg because it did not produce the same therapeutic results are the brand name Wellbutrin.

I take generic Wellbutrin, Bupropion SR 200 mg. The manufacturer of my medicine is Mylan. Right now this recall is for the XL 300 mg from Teva Pharmaceuticals USA. The FDA is asking that the other manufacturers like Mylan test the effectiveness of their version.

It makes me wonder if my medicine is not as effective as well. My insurance will only cover the generic SR version but if it doesn’t work as well, what will I do?

If you take generic Wellbutrin, please check your medicine and if you do have the above medicine call your doctor and pharmacist.

What do you think of this recall?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Fall Into Television

I have been watching some TV this fall. What am I watching?

Well, there is always Alaska State Troopers.

I have been oddly obsessed with this show on the National Geographic channel. There is something about shows like Alaska State Troopers, North Woods Law on Animal Planet and Wild Justice on National Geographic  that just draw me in. 

There are a couple of new shows that I have started to really like.

Last Resort is one of them. I wasn’t convinced but I gave it a shot and it passed my test.

Tonight I am watching Arrow. I know it was the eye candy that got me first watching this show but so far so good. I will continue to watch it.

There is always The Amazing Race that feeds my obsession with travelling. I need to plan my next trip, soon.

My favorite show of all, Grimm, is back and I am loving it.

It is making me want to read an original translation of the Grimm Brother’s stories.

Are you watching anything this season for new TV shows?

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

If Only I Was A Bear

I am really fighting the hibernating feeling.  Sunday I slept until 1 pm and I could have slept all day. 

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Unfortunately, I did not have yesterday, a federal holiday here, off. I really could have used the extra day.

I had another therapy appointment this morning. I have been feeling sort of better. It has totally been beneficial for me to write and to talk about it. I am hoping that the increased Prozac will help me. Meanwhile, I am going to try to keep somewhat busy on the weekends. I did very little last weekend. Being home alone for a weekend, doing nothing, it not really good for me. It is a trigger for thoughts I would like to put away.

If you have problems fighting depression more in the winter, how do you handle it?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Jen Reads: Books, Books and More Books

I have been making my way through a few thick books.

I finished two books I highly recommend.

This is a fantasy book about a 21 year old (21 centuries old) Druid named Atticus living in Arizona running a new age bookshop and living with an Irish wolfhound that he can talk with. To me, the conversations between the dog, Oberlin, and Atticus. It is just a fun quick read. I look forward to reading the rest of the series.

This the 4th book in the Maiden Lane series. I really really like this series about a family that runs the an orphanage in the neighborhood of St. Giles in London in the early 1800s.  I could not put the series down once I got a hold of the books. I am really looking forward to the 5th book, Lord of Darkness, when it comes out next year.  I am going to push through Elizabeth Hoyt’s backlist because I like the books so much.

I also went to the book sale at my library and the Boston Public Library. Paperbacks were $0.25 a piece and let’s just say that I came home with a bag full. I will have a lot to read for the snowy and rainy nights to come.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Friday Happiness: Not All Bad

This week was not all horrible. Some good things happened.

I won this book from The Book Pushers blog. It is nice to look at and hopefully a good fun read.

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I began to purge my clothes. Why is this a happy thing? Well, I will have some place to hang and fold my clothes once I donate the clothes. I have 8 tall kitchen trash bags to donate so far and lots and lots of hangers to hang the clothes I need to, along with lots of room.

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I also signed up to do The Race Up Boston Place in February 2013. I have participated a few times, the last being in 2011. We climb this building!

I am excited. I could not bring myself to do it last year, but I will do it this year. I start to train by climbing the building at work. Watch out!

I saw the med doctor today and I am still taking Prozac and Wellbutrin. She decided to double my Prozac and she told me to take fish oil since it helps depression. I see her in a month. We shall see.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Feeling A Bit Better

I was in a really low place this morning. I climbed by way out it, cried a little in my cubicle, thought things over and decided I do not want to die.

I am hopeless though. There is the whole “It gets better” mantra and honestly, it hasn’t for me. I don’t have much confidence that it ever will. I try to survive as best I can but I struggle with this sleeping (I am having a lot of trouble getting up), going into work, coming home to the empty apartment and doing it all over again. For what?  To have my small little paycheck and the struggle continues. I sometimes wonder if I would not be happier living in a cabin in the woods or working in a bookstore or a library, away from a big corporate behemoth. The American “dream” is looking less appealing to me in general.

I am flabbergasted by my readers. You are awesome and I wish I could hug each and every one of you and let you know how much you mean to me. I want to meet you all!

I am going to go back to the Eating Disorder support group and resurrect Support Wednesdays.

Hopeless

 I have to acknowledge these feelings because it is driving me crazy and the only way I can see to try to stop them is to write about it:

I got this list from the Warning Signs of Suicide  from the Samaritans of Massachusetts site.

Verbal Signs

"I want to kill myself." - sort of yes.
"I don't want to be here anymore." - yes....
"No one understands me." - I don't understand me
"I can't take it anymore." - yes
"Things will never get better." - yes
"I'm tired of being a burden to my friends and family." -no
"No one would miss me if I were gone." - I know this is no but I can't help but think it.

Physical Changes

Losing or gaining weight quickly. - I am not hungry at all, which in my case is probably good.
Suddenly not caring about appearances or cleanliness.
Unexplained cuts, scrapes or bruises.
Appearing tired all the time. - I am having a lot of trouble getting out of bed.

Acting Differently

Changes in mood: more withdrawn, anxious or sad, or sudden mood lift after a down period. - Sad definitely
Changes in eating or sleeping habits.- Could sleep forever
Suddenly taking more risks: not taking prescribed medication, drunk driving, ignoring physical limitations, having unprotected sex, using more drugs or alcohol. - not right now
Loss of concentration.
Withdrawing from friends and family. - I want to withdraw
Losing interest in things that used to be enjoyed. - definitely
Not planning for the future. - I have never really done this.
Hurting oneself on purpose.
Thinking and talking about death a lot. - Yes
Unexplained good-byes or unusual personal expressions that have a sense of closure.

Situations

Recently having lost a loved one, relationship or job.- Well between Mom and Boots this year
Having money problems.- That is a constant
Having questions or worries about being gay, bisexual or transgender.
Previous suicide attempts.
Recent death of a loved one.
Problems in an important relationship.
Problems at work or school. - Work definitely
Social isolation.

I just feel very hopeless and can't think of a way to change. I am not going to do anything, I am just very much down. Since I am at work, this is what I thought would help. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Endless Time

Where does time go when I think have done nothing?

I always think that time is running out. For what? Everything.

I can not believe I will be 39 in a month.  Where has the time gone?

I will probably never have kids. That makes me incredibly sad.

If I look back to when I was a teenager and I think back to what I thought life would be like, this is not it.

Now it is already October. Soon it will be Thanksgiving in November and then the dreaded Christmas.

Where does time go?

I am just trying to make one day at a time better. I went to a wine tasting tonight with some good friends and it felt great. I need to do that more often.