Monday, July 30, 2012

Hunger Games

I have been trying to honor my hunger with mixed results. After years of using food as a friend, confidant, paying attention to my stomach is harder than I thought it will be. I find that I can go hours without eating and not feel hungry. Is that me denying I need to eat? Or am I not really hungry? I think after not eating for 15 hours, it is the earlier of the two questions.

My goal when I am at Blogher is to eat 3 meals a day and not one of those can be a liquid meal. The past two times I have gone, I maybe ate twice a day. I don’t think I ate dinner at all.  That is a problem. If I am going to drink, and I will, then I must eat, period.

I have been feeling downer then usual lately and of course, that has an affect on my eating patterns. I have to be extra vigilant when I am down and feeling really lonely. Food is no substitute for human companionship. It will not make me feel better. It will only propel me further in nothingness.

I plan on working out twice while in NYC. I am doing a Sweat Pink boot camp by Fit Approach and taking a Nautilus Bowflex class. I hope to do a lot of walking others. I need to take care of myself.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Jen Reads: Trip to the Library

I am reading a lot of books but I have finished none of them.

I picked this up today and I can not wait until I start to read it tonight.

I also got these from the library:

Lets just say I will have a lot of reading for the bus rides to and from New York and for my anxiety breaks.

I got new glasses yesterday. I really like them!

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I had a little awakening about photos and me. I don’t normally have a big smile when people take pictures of me. I feel that it just looks fake and feels fake. Well, I look so much better when I smile that I am going to have a big smile, whether or not I feel it is silly or fake.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Calm My Crazy: Silver Linings

According To Denise

 

What a week it has been. Once I got down, I totally let all go and got really down. Since it is Friday, I am feeling better. Next week is a short work week for me since I am going to BlogHer, so that is one plus.

I went and saw two movies a few weeks ago and at one of them, I saw a preview for a movie that I absolutely positively must see.

In the preview they say a line about the woman being crazy and in a lot of therapy and he says, he is also in a lot of therapy and that made my heart say yay! There is hope for me in the dating department since it is an iffy subject whether or not I would reveal my own form of craziness. It just looks like a cute movie besides. Perhaps the hope this inspires in me will do me some good.

I am going to get the book from my local library, when I go next time.

I also have a song that I first heard listen to Pandora’s Alternative Endurance Channel during walks (It is an awesome station to listen to while working out, FYI) and I have liked almost all of this band’s music. The lead singer is tall, dark and handsome and all of the members are gorgeous as well. This song makes me smile. Here is Young the Giant’s “My Body”.

By the way, I made a mistake. Those jeans that came from Macy’s the other day are great. They don’t look bad and they are very comfortable yet stylish. This is a bad pic but it was all their was. They are Levi’s Perfectly Shaping 512s.

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Finally, I succumbed to Ginger Betty gingerbread cookies this morning when I went into Mary Lou’s, a local coffee chain, for coffee. I love Ginger Betty! The bakery is not very far from my home but I don’t get there often. If you are in Quincy or see them in in the area, they are wicked awesome. I can’t eat them every day but I did today and I am not beating myself up.

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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Boots Update

I am so happy that I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning because boy do I need it.

I haven’t given an update on Boots because the news isn’t good. He is still having seizures and they don’t know why but it is probably a brain tumor. The thought of having to put Boots to sleep makes me so sad.

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When I got Boots I was in a bad place. I did not want to come home to an empty apartment only to feel totally alone. I felt like I was unlovable, unlikeable and generally worthless. Not that much has changed but Boots gave me a reason to come home and to continue.

He was my friend unconditionally. He doesn’t mind if I am sad or happy, fat or thin, just that I am.

I am not sure what I am going to do. He is a young cat but if it is a brain tumor, I don’t know.

What will be my photographic muse?

I am still struggling, especially tonight. Walking home from the T station tonight, I started to cry, why I am not sure. I thought if this is the next 30 years, I don’t want any part of it.

Trying to carry a stiff upper lip and not be “depressed” during the day takes a toll on me. By the time I get home, I can’t do it anymore and I break down. It is easier to pretend then to listen to more people telling me to cheer up.

Thankfully tomorrow is my therapy appointment. I have a lot to talk about.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Pain = Depressed Thoughts?

Sometimes I think that I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. All day long I have had a killer migraine. What is the mix with depressive and self-hatred thoughts and pain?

My thoughts today about myself were horrible. That I don’t deserve anything. That I am destined to die alone with a cat. Then I got home and saw a package from Macy’s on my porch. I tried on the skirt and jeans. I could not see in the mirror very well because all of the crap on my bureau and I thought, “Ugh, they look horrible.” Since I could not see, I could not be sure but my mind was all over the bad possibilities.

I am so frustrated with myself. I can not step on the scale to confirm how horrible I am because that would be totally triggering for me to further get down. I don’t believe people who tell me that I look better. I feel worse.

Blah. I am stuck with a migraine and I am feeling horrible about myself.

I am hoping that I will have a better day tomorrow because I am struggling today.

I will not be eating anything further tonight. Food will not make me feel better, that is for sure.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Introverted and Extroverted

I have this little war going on inside of me. The Introverted Loner side of me, who would very much like to curl up under the covers and never come out and the Extroverted Friendly side, who is happy to actually be doing something, anything.

Lately, I have been Extroverted Friendly to the extreme. I am a busy gal.

When I am more of the Introverted Loner, I do that to the extreme.

Why can’t I have a nice happy medium?

I miss my life, where I did nothing. It was boring and predictable. I wasn’t getting home at 10:30 like to tonight, panicking about posting a blog posting and exhausted.

This week is busy. Dad’s birthday is tomorrow. I am going out Friday night and going to a Superhero Brunch on Sunday. Plus with Blogher next week, I am sort of run down and freaking out that I don’t have a media kit or anything that “real” bloggers are supposed to have.

I have a lot of acquaintances but not a whole lot of people who I would call up to meet for coffee. Even with that, I think I am bothering them and they would not come to meet me.

Gah. It is so complicated. I am exhausted and am going to hit the hay.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Visit to Nordstrom

My shopping trip to Nordstrom was a big bust. (And not mine!)

The store’s sale items had been totally picked through by Nordstrom card holders that got early access to the sale. Boo!

I did try a few things on and of course, you get to see.

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This was the purple skirt in my post. It is a knit material and it clung to every bump that it could possibly cling to. It was a no.

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These jeans are Jag jeans that are pull up with no zippers or buttons and the top is a Nordstrom brand, Sejour. I did end up getting the top in the next size. It is being sent to me because it was not on the racks.  I disliked the jeans. The top kept rolling down and can see having trouble keeping them up and there wasn’t a belt  area that could have held them up on my straight hips. Boo!

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I loved these jeans from Not Your Daughter’s Jeans. They fit great, for slim fit and I thought I looked really good in them (that is my top) but they were too short.

too short

I totally wanted these. I will have to see if they come a little longer.

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I liked this skirt but I already have one from Talbots just like it. Remember?

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Did you notice the new haircut?

I was looking for a regular above the knee basic denim skirt. Why are manufacturers not making skirts in plus sizes? How hard should finding a denim skirt be? I ended up ordering one from Macy’s.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Calm My Crazy: Nordstrom Bound

According To Denise

Believe it or not, I am going to hit the Nordstrom sale this weekend and it has me giddy with excitement. This has me nice and calm.

Yes, the thought of getting quality clothing at lower prices just makes me smile and sigh.

I don’t know if I will buy anything but I will try stuff on.

I love these two blouses. Red is a color that I love and look good in. I need to add more red to my wardrobe.

 
 

 

I love this dress. Calvin Klein makes some nice dresses in plus sizes and this is one of them.

 

 

Sometimes I just want some nice fashionable skirts. I can not find them in many stores. I like to wear skirts. Why don’t more stores sell them?

 

I don’t own anything like this but really, I would love to.

 

I will have to see what my local Nordstrom has on hand. This weekend proves to be a good one. I am going to see a drag show tomorrow night, All The Single Ladies and getting my hair done tomorrow. Here’s to the weekend.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Honoring My Hunger

In my years of dieting, I deprived myself. No, that cookie is bad! I am such a fat ugly you name it if I eat that chicken wing. Don’t have that cookie, someone probably sneezed on it (though when people say that to avoid eating something “bad” it is totally not a deterrent to me).

I was hungry all the time. All the time.

I thought about food all the time. All the time. It probably made me hungry. I was obsessed.

I thought of points, how life would be better if I lost the weight (Ha!) and what the hell was I going to eat next?

When will I eat next?

OMG, is that too many points???????

Recently, I made the mistake of going a long long time without eating and when I did, boy was I ravenous. If I go to the store when I am hungry, I know I buy way too much stuff that I don’t really want or need.  It is just a never ending cycle that has me back where I started.

As I have been putting all that back over the last two weeks with more success some days than on other days, I know start Phase 2 of Intuitive Eating – Honoring My Hunger.

Is that my stomach I hear?

I am going to judge my hunger several times a day on a scale of 1 – Empty to 10 – Thanksgiving full.

I am a huge emotional eater – so I will use my LAMBS questions as well.

Am I Lonely? (huge huge huge trigger)

Am I Angry?

Am I Miserable?

Am I Bored? (another huge trigger)

Am I Sad?

Stomach, it is time I listen and trust you.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Just Another Crazy Day

Today started with a therapy appointment then a 1.5 hour trip into work. I work in a city next to Boston. Normally, it might take me a half hour to get to work, if I drive. Today was horrible. To top it off, once I got off the highway, it took a half an hour to make it around the corner to work. I should have just turned around and hid under the bed.

When you start your day riled up about something, then get yelled at by some tenants of mine in Virginia, I was ready to cry.

Then, there was a lot of buzz about a private party at Blogher. I had filled out the interest form and today was the day that invites were going out. Of course, I am not at the top of invite lists for Blogher private parties. As a mental health blogger, I write about some tough subjects. I understand. I do not write this blog for money or for any reason except as therapy to get the crazy thoughts out of my head. I have met a lot of great people and found a lot of great blogs through blogging and I intend to keep it up for as long as I can. I just don’t get a lot marketers actively looking for my type of blogger often.

I did not get an invite to the party. I wasn’t really expecting one. There were a lot of people who were interested and only a few spots. I am a mental health blogger. Not exactly someone to have a party, some would say. Yet, I could not stop that little voice that said “You’re not good enough.” Invite me? Really. It lasted about a half an hour and as usual fed off of itself.

I am going to parties at Blogher. I have tickets to some first come, first serve parties. I did not get any private invites but you know what, really in the back of my mind, I am ok with that. I am not going to Blogher to get lots of stuff or to get drunk all the time, I am going to meet new blogging friends.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Jen Reads: The Trylle Trilogy by Amanda Hocking

One of the main reasons I like to read is because I can step into someone else’s story for a while and forget about my problems.  I decided to read the Trylle Trilogy honestly, because I liked the cover and I felt that it would take me away for a bit.

Wendy Everly never quite fit at home. Her mother, in a mental hospital,did not think she was her child and she was just different. Little did she know that she is a changeling and her life would soon by turned upside down. She is in fact a troll and a princess to boot.

She is taken to the troll compound where she meets her mother, the Queen of the Trylle, and teenager she was changed with. She also meets Finn, a handsome young tracker who was charged with bring her back to trolldom.  Finn is a tracker and of a lower class than her. She starts to fall for Finn, but his duty gets in the way.

In torn, in addition to being the daughter of a queen, she finds out her father is the king in a rival troll tribe, the Vitra. She is taken to the Vitra compound where she meets a Vitra prince, Loki. Loki is what Finn is not except that he is part of the enemy. She escapes back to the Trylle but the image of Loki stays with her.

In the final installment, there is a final battle between the Trylle and Vittra. She has to make a choice between Loki and Finn and her time to begin ruling the Trylle is about to start.

I liked the three books with the first book, Switched, being my favorite. The part I didn’t like was the series ending. I agree with her choice but it just seems to be too nicely sewn up and to quickly sewn up. It would be a good beach read. It is quick and a fun young adult series.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Can’t Hardly Wait

What a busy couple of days. This morning I woke up with the thought of purging my apartment. I tend to have clumps of bills, random paper, cat fur, stuff that has more dust on it then it possibly should. I got to work. I have 5 bags of paper, magazines, boxes, anything that be recycled to go out on the curb Thursday. I have thrown out two bags worth of stuff and I have the worst half of my apartment yet to go – the bedroom being the worst. I am taking a break to write this post.

I read an article on the awesome Mental Floss site this week, that said The Replacements’ song “Can’t Hardly Wait” is turning 25 years old. Like the author, “Can’t Hardly Wait” and “Alex Chilton” are probably two of my favorite songs. The music is great to have blaring in the background while getting rid of everything cleaning.

For an extra smile from me, here is “Alex Chilton”.

I am not sure why you can’t see the videos if you read my posts on Google Reader. Does anyone? I use Windows Live Writer to blog.  So, click over to see the videos.

I have been feeling pretty blah about myself but cleaning is making me feel better. It was one thing that fell behind as I tried to concentrate on another area. Why must when we try to improve in one area, the other areas fall to pieces?

I have been eating regularly as well, which is a plus. I will start to read Phase 2 of Intuitive Eating tonight.

How are you doing?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Graffiti Thinking

I am probably at the happiest point in my life that I have been in a long time. I still get down a lot. I still look at myself and see nothing but ugliness. Yet, I am somewhat content.

When I was walking on my way to get a sandwich for lunch, I saw this. It is on an electric box on a random Boston street. I wonder if it was a statement on the state mental hospital across the street.

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It made me wonder, where would I be without going through years of therapy?

I don’t know. I might not be around today to be writing to you. I did not think life was worth living. I still suffer with those thoughts now and then.

Is the daily cocktail of generic Prozac and generic Wellbutrin actually helping?

Probably. I am not sure I want to find out.

My journey into Intuitive Eating, took an erratic step over the last week or so. The other day I went 18 hours without eating ON PURPOSE. This morning I did not eat breakfast. I see how I walk that disordered eating line more than I would like to.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Blogher Anxiety

To lots of people who know me, I talk a lot and once I get started, I can go on and on. That is around people I know well and feel comfortable with but with a large crowd, I feel inadequate and my self confidence is in the toilet (where it has been stuck lately).

This will be my 3rd time going to Blogher. The first time I was like a deer in headlights, in way over my head. The second time, thought I new the ropes but it was still overwhelming and I had a hard time fitting in. This year, I will probably still be in over my head.

It is like I clam up and think that “Why would they like me?” or “Shut Up Jennifer, they don’t want to listen to you.”  Of course, it makes me awkward, until that sign with some people, that I would get along with them and I click.

When it does get overwhelming, I will go an hide for a little bit. Find a quiet corner and open a book for a chapter, tends to do the trick. Sometimes I might slink down to the bar and have a glass of liquid courage. 

Another thing that really helped me when I needed it, was the Serenity Suite. My first year at Blogher, it was a welcome respite. This year I am volunteering again to hopefully help someone that was in my position.

Last year I had a little nervous breakdown after losing my phone. It was the tipping point and once I went over, it all came out. The people I met during my little breakdown were very welcoming and listened. It was a total relief. I was amazed at the support I got during that time, all over little me.

One of the other big things that helped is opening up. I would say that I blogged about my battle with depression and I was often amazed at the doors that opened to me. Once I said that, people opened up and confessed their mental health battles.

This year, I am just going to take a deep breath and hit the conference. Will I worry if people like me? Probably. Will some people not like me? Definitely. Will it stop me? No.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Jen Reads: Good Historical Fiction

Since I have been worried about Boots, I am more likely to stay home to keep an eye on him and when I am home, I read a lot. I don’t watch much TV but I do read.  I have read two books recently that I really liked.

 

Gilt by Katherine Longshore has one of those covers that are sort of misleading based on the book. Gilt is based on the story of Catherine Howard, King Henry the VIII’s fifth wife. It is told through the eyes of Catherine’s friend, Kitty Tilney. Kitty is awkward and believes herself to be ugly (I can relate.) Kitty was a real person and the author added a plausible story. Kitty is Cat’s friend who grows up in the same household and Kitty eventually follows Cat to the court of Henry the VIII.

There is all the backstabbing of a soap opera today in the history of yesterday. Catherine was eventually put to death for lying about her virginity prior to getting married to the King. Gilt provided a guilt-free look into the Tudor court. I really enjoyed it.

The second book I read was Grave Mercy by Robin LaFevers.

The premise of this book is different from anything that I have seen. Ismae is a woman who escapes a brutal marriage on her wedding night. She bears a birthmark on her back that had people in Brittany calling her the child of the Devil. Upon being saved on her wedding night, she is taken to a convent of St. Mortain, an old god of death in Brittany. She is trained to kill the enemies of Brittany. She uncovers treachery in the court of the Duke of Brittany and in the dark Duval.

This was a book was the type of book that I could not put down. I love historical fiction and the premise of this book was too awesome for me to put down. Nuns that are handmaidens of Death and kill. I am not a huge Young Adult reader but I just could not pass up these books.

They are both first books in the series and I look forward to more books by these two authors.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Good Cat Vibes Needed

Everyone was way off on guessing the amount in my jar. This jar:

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Yielded:

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The winner who guessed $35 is 71 & Sunny. I have sent you an email. Smile

Now on to some bad news. Boots is not getting better. He continues to have seizures and they are scary and somewhat violent. He thrashes about, moving his paws, drooling and sometimes peeing. It is very hard to watch. I have witnessed 4 but he may have had more when I was not home.

Because his sugar was a little high, they thought he might have diabetes but a follow-up test on fructosamine tests found nothing so diabetes is out. They prescribed him prednisolone to help with any inflammation that may be in the brain. I am worried that he may have a brain tumor or something.

The whole thing has me down. I have been a bit down for the past few days and definitely suffering on the self-esteem front. I don’t want to lose my little guy. I have had him since he was a kitten.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Calm My Crazy: Justified

According To Denise 

It is a quiet lonely Friday night. I might as well watch Timothy Olyphant in Justified. This has to be one of the highlights of my week and I can’t tell you how much Zen he brings me.

 

 

I could be doing a lot worse than watching Justified and Timothy Olyphant on a Friday night.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th of July!

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I hope everyone is having a safe and wonderful 4th of July. My holiday was quiet. I went to a friend’s cookout but my mind was elsewhere. I left early to check on Boots, who had 2 more seizures over the last two days. I can use some good kitty vibes. The blood work from the other day came back as having elevated sugar. He is not an overweight cat and he is young. I am just worried.

I hate holidays that fall in the middle of the week. Why can’t we all just take a 5 day weekend? That would be awesome and do our country so good, I think. Right now I have the dreaded “got to work” tomorrow feeling.

 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Kitty Scare

I woke up at around 2:00 am to a death yowl. I was of course a bit confused but ran out to the front of the apartment to see what was up. Boots was laying on his side with all 4 paws out. He had peed all over himself, drooled and he was not moving. I rushed him to the animal hospital and found out he had a seizure.

He is my baby and best friend. I was really worried that it was really bad.  So far he is back to normal and he will be going to the vets office on Friday. I am hoping for the best.

I had a really busy weekend and I actually saw 2 movies at the theater this weekend. It is a record for me. I saw the movie Ted, which had a big dig on the city I live in (Quincy,MA) but it was hilarious. I loved it.  It was raunchy but so funny. 

The second movie I saw was Snow White and the Huntsman. I liked it. Since I am a fan of medieval fiction and Games of Thrones, it was dark and good.

This past weekend helped to alleviate some of the stress from last week. I am really looking forward to the holiday on Wednesday.

Don’t forget to enter for the $10 Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks card. The entry is easy. All you have to do is guess how much change is in the 12 inch jar and the closest will win the card. If you don’t have a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts nearby, we will figure something out.