792 Subscriptions!

You know when you are addicted to your Google Reader when you see this on the trends page:

From your 792 subscriptions, over the last 30 days you read 10,410 items, clicked 305 items, starred 0 items, and emailed 0 items.

Since May 27, 2009 you have read a total of 300,000+items.

If I admit I am a Google Reader addict, do I have a problem?

On further inspection, my 1 foot long phone cord did have bite marks in it. Tomorrow, I get some Crisco and start the hot sauce stopper method. The persistent pain is purring right next to me, head butting  my hands while typing and rubbing up against the corner of my laptop, acting all innocent.

I am feeling ok. I stopped by Kohl’s on Saturday and bought two dresses that I figure I can wear to work, some tops and a pair of capris.

       

       

Never mind the stripped socks. It was chilly out and I have cold feet.

Friday Happiness with a Dose of Health Insurance

The Wi-Fi fairies are conspiring against me today. I noticed my internet connection at home is not working and there are no discernable teeth marks in the 1 foot cord. I went to a local sandwich place only to not get internet access and I ended up in Starbucks and here I sit with my coffee and laptop just to blog.   At least with the laptop, it is easier to battle the internet fairies at their game.

Thursday I walked to my class at Life in Synergy. We are doing this thing at work where we had to have our blood taken, weight, etc. and we earn points to get those things they are testing better. We can redeem the points for stuff. I am not sure how to feel about this. First we needed to have a physical once a year to keep our health insurance, then they made smokers last year get into a quit smoking program now they are doing this. What they will do next is beyond me but you can get points from using Map My Fitness apps and I have Map My Run on my phone and using it while walking will get me points so I am using it more.

The walk on Thursday took me through the Public Garden here in Boston and I stopped and  took a few pictures, of course.

I am still learning the Vignette Camera app.

I have also discovered Pic Monkey and I love fooling around with it.

I did not forget about Friday Happiness either. While walking, I heard this song. Love and Memories is one of my favorite OAR songs and it made my step skip.

I really like OAR and am totally tempted to get tickets to their show but it is in Boston the same time as I will be in New York for Blogher. Why are all the shows I would like to go coming when I am away?

A Good Cry

After a good cry, I tend to get a migraine. I am not sure what triggers it but it is true. I had one all day today and it is still with me.  Even though I was in pain for most of the day, I felt better. I think I needed to get rid of some pent up emotions and cry. I am honest as I can be on this blog but now and then, I can’t figure out how to write about something and it sits in my head and ferments.

It all came out yesterday with that cry. Pent up feelings of missing Mom, loneliness, a bit of despair that I will end up alone,  not being able to do some of the stuff last night right, work not going well…I feel that I want to be in a different place before I turn 40 in a year and half.

At least today is Wednesday and it is down hill to Friday. I am looking forward to the slow weekend I have ahead of me. I don’t have any plans and that suits me well. Sometimes I am just too busy or the opposite, not busy enough. I think I am going to sleep most of the weekend away. That sounds like a plan to me.

A Mess with Failure

So, I tried CrossFit tonight and I could not do it.

I made it through the warm up of jogging, various exercises and working with medicine balls.  They started to show  some fundamental CrossFit moves but I was signaled out and went to the side saying that I wasn’t doing squats right. He pulled me over to the corner and had me sit on a box.

I was really disappointed in myself. I don’t like being the “special” one who needs help. I just want to be like everyone else and accomplish something. I started to feel bad about myself and it just escalated from there. I could not jump on a box as the rest of the class was doing and then was taken to the side to talk again.

I was told that perhaps I was not ready and that I could benefit from personal training, which I can not afford, and I said that maybe I should lose weight before coming back. I was devastated in my mind.  I left and started to cry in my car. The failure thoughts started to overwhelm me.

The thoughts that I am just a failure and not worth it. Once one bad thought came, they all came rushing in.

To top it off, because I was crying, my contact came out in one eye and I could not find it in my car. I ended up crying and driving home holding my hand over my right eye. I was a big mess.

It tells me, how it is a thin line I walk. Deep down inside still can’t handle rejection or failure very well. No matter how much I tell myself that it isn’t bad, one misstep by myself and boom, it all comes back.

Will I ever be normal?

I signed up for 2 Life in Synergy classes this week so I am not going to let this get me further down. Between being criticized at work an then this, pushed me over the edge. I think I may just join the Planet Fitness, which is down the street from where I live and continue to take classes. I am not sure what else to do.

Search Word Bingo

It is time for another edition of “How Did You Find My Blog”.  Sometimes how people find my blog on the internet just makes me sad or I am like what?

1. People With Moles Live Longer – I don’t know about that. How does one figure that out? Is there some sort of database of moly people, like myself?

2.  Freckled Skin Is So Ugly – Well searcher, I don’t agree with you. I kind of like my freckles.

3. Green Eyed People Traits – Such as?

4. Do I Deserve Happiness?  - I say yes but I have hard thinking that I do.

5. Where To Buy Cool Toilet Paper?  Cool toilet paper? Is there such a thing? Should there be such a thing?

I am feeling pretty blah tonight. I saw an email from my boss that makes me think I will be in trouble tomorrow. Oh well. I will just expect the worst.  I am getting a cold I think as well. My ear has been bothering me and my throat has been somewhat sore.

Friday Happiness: Margaritas!

He can make me a margarita anytime. 

Kittens do make everything better, I think.


As for Friday happiness, I will be enjoying a margarita this weekend I think.  

Yes, CrossFit

Am I crazy? I think I am going to try CrossFit. Maybe something got in my brain to send the email to them to get in their CrossFit 101 class. I wonder what I am getting myself into. This fat girl is going to CrossFit or at least try it.

Maybe something got into this mind of mine. I was feeling wicked ugly today. I am not going to lie. I took a class at Life in Synergy and kept looking at my big self doing the moves in the mirror and frowned. I was doing the class though.

On Facebook yesterday a friend had posted this parody of Fun’s song “We Were Young.” I thought that it was funny then I realized how true it was.

I especially like the “start a blog” part. Considering I am somewhere in my 30s (far to close to 40) and this blog was started after I was 33. It’s talking to me but I actually have been blogging, even if no one read, so boo to them. 

The parody was funny yet sad because, at least in this 30 something’s life, it is far to true.

 

Island Thinking

I had to drive into work this morning due to an appointment  at the doctors so I decided to bring my workout clothing and stop at Castle Island on my way home for a walk around the “island”. Castle Island is not an island and does not have a castle on it but it is a great place to walk. It is home to Fort Independence, which was once a British army fort and after the Revolution, an US Army post.

I had stuff to think about on my walk. The doctor’s appointment I had was my yearly ob/gyn appointment. He is a congenial guy and the appointment went well. At the end, he handed me a BMI chart and said, “Your BMI is very high and the trend over three years is <<<<up up up>>>.”

Yes, doctor I know I have gained quite a bit of weight, in fact, all of what I lost and it is not the first time that I have done so in the last 10 years (two other 75 – 100 pound roller coaster rides up and down). I said I was making changes in my life. Finally I am ready and I want to be healthy. I said I do not want to follow my father’s footsteps.

Since I did not go to Weight Watchers this week, I did see that my weight was down from last week, which is good. I  was fine other wise with the appointment. It was a typical yearly appointment. The doctor did not mention that I should not have kids or when I was going to settle down, which might have sent me over the edge.

I had over 2 miles to walk and think. The weather was kind of chilly in Boston today and the sky was threatening rain, which we really need here.

The big memorial pictured is in honor of lost sailors in the early 1800s.

As I was walking, the trail goes over water in 1 place and I took a picture of the harbor side above and the cove side below (with a Lufthansa plane landing).

I like to go to Castle Island around dinner time to watch the big planes taking off for Europe but the wind has to be just right and tonight, the wind was not right. Planes were landing one after another after another. I like to dream when I watch the planes and wish I was on them.

Finally, the picture of my feet on the little bridge between the harbor and cover side.

Doomsday Prepping? Blah!

Have you ever watched Doomday Preppers?

 image

 

I am watching it as I type this. I was going to really go on about how even though the weather is beautiful here in Boston, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep but after watching 2 episodes of this show, I now know, that I would not last 2.5 hours after a cataclysmic event and you know what, I don’t care.

I can barely manage getting up for work in the morning never mind prepping for something that may or may not happen. This makes me want to hide under the bed more. Just give me some books and I’ll wait for the zombies to get me.

I think I will stick to the awesomeness that is Wicked Tuna on the National Geographic Channel. That show makes Boston gal have a wicked big smile. I just like it.

A Song for My Mood

Music is a good gage of what I am feeling at the moment. Tonight, on my walk, I heard this song:

 

It kind of fit what I have been feeling lately. Loveless.  I am not sure what has gotten into me lately. I just feel incredibly lonely.  Maybe it is the spring air here in Boston or the fact I see people out and about holding hands or that I don’t seem to be wanted but I feel pretty hopeless in the love category. That is the one area of my life I am truly and utterly dissatisfied with.

Sometimes I think that I should have gotten married when I had the chance but then again, I would be in the same place right now either way, most likely.

I went to see Mom’s grave yesterday. My father’s parents are also at the National Cemetery in Bourne. I took Dad with me and we spent a little time at each grave. Dad’s way of grieving is different than my way so I tried to accommodate him as I best I could. I will go back again by myself so I can spend more time down there.

How was everyone’s weekend?

Speaking Up

Today, I am taking a stand and standing up against bullying by telling my story. I am participating in Findingravity’s Anti-Bullying Link Up.

If you have reading my blog for a while, you may remember me talking about my experience growing up. I was a girl who developed very early. I got my period at 8 years old. I was wearing a regular bra by 9 years old. I was tall. I may have had a “mature” body but I was a total kid. I had no clue about boys and what happened between girls and boys and didn’t really want to know.

I was teased for having red hair. I was teased for stuttering. I was teased because I did not know how to deal with some of the changes that my body was going through. I was teased because I “fat” and “ugly”. I was also grabbed at in class, so much that I had to fight the boys off during class. How the teachers did not see this is beyond me. They would talk about the things they wanted to do to me. It scared the shit out of me. I also heard that type of thing out when I was doing my paper route. The teenage boys would say lewd remarks and I dealt with this by hiding away. I begged my sister to do the paper route and I put on weight so people would not touch me.

I never told anyone until I was an adult. It is the one thing that I totally regret in my life.

I should have spoken up. I know that in the early 1980s that type of stuff was not at the tip of society’s tongue like it is today but my father has told me he wishes that I would have told him. I was scared that I would get in trouble, that it was my fault.  I shut it in a place deep inside me and it is still has some lingering effects on me 30 years letter. Part of my struggle with feelings of unworthiness and feeling unlovable probably come from around this time.

It was in no way, shape or form my fault. It is in no way your fault if it happens to you.  Speak to someone you trust. Don’t lock things inside.  You deserve to be treated with respect and no one should be able to take that away from you.

 

A Plan

For a Tuesday, it was a decent day.

I did not go for a walk today but I did see that my walking has paid off a little bit. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time in a few weeks and I looked. I was thinking if anything I probably gained because I had not been paying attention and between restaurant week 3 course dinner and Easter brunch, but it did not bother me as much as normal. I did not gain anyway. I lost 2.8.

Like I said the other day, I feel so much better when I take care of myself. Tomorrow, my plan is to work and come home and take a long walk. Thursday, I am going to take a class at Life In Synergy and I walk there from work. I will walk on Saturday and Sunday. That is my plan for the rest of the week. I will stick with it.

I like walking and I liked bringing my phone along on my walks. I can listen to Pandora and take pictures of interesting stuff I see. I will probably post the pictures. Sometimes, like yesterday, I see things that just fit for the day.

How was your Tuesday?

Lonely Locks

Sometimes I feel for these locks.

Who put them there?

Why are they there?

They have been there a long time. Lonely neglected locks forsaken by their owners over the subway tracks. I have passed by this many times either on foot or by car but tonight, on foot, I took a picture. 

I am working at home this week due to construction involving awful smelling plumbing covering. I can work in my pjs. It means I don’t  leave the apartment much. I may go somewhere to work tonight just to get out of the apartment. Loneliness takes over easily, thus the easy feeling for these locks, really.

A Walk At The Beach

I had a quiet Easter. I guess it was what I needed. I went to brunch with friends then came home and read. I decided to get out and walk because I saw the weather forecast for the week and it involves a lot of much needed rain, which is not good walking weather, for me, anyways.

I have mentioned before I live near the beach and today, the beach was my destination. It is about a 15 minute walk from my apartment but I went the round about way so it was longer. Wollaston Beach is not a nice beach. It is rocky like so many beaches around here and it is sketchy to swim in but it is great to walk in. There is a long sidewalk along the beach that is a couple of miles long and is not as crowded as some of the other great close to the water walking places near by (Castle Island, I am talking to you).

It was very quiet down on the beach. I could do some thinking alone.

 

The beach itself is made while rocky, was calming.

My walk was about 4 miles. I used Map My Run and after about a half mile, I finally figured out how to work it and it tracked me for 3.64 miles so I must have walked over 4 miles. It felt good.

I hope that everyone had a safe and happy holiday weekend. The whole weekend was quiet for me. I am not going to complain. I have been watching nature programs and reading, a lot.

On the way home from brunch today, I was hit on by an 80 year old and asked out. He asked me to “be his friend” and winked at me. The old devil. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no and he said, “I’ll be him.” He had to be at least 80 but it made me smile.

Friday Happiness: Shuffling

So, I have two songs that made me smile today.

The first because it is about moving but not for someone. It kind of goes along with the pull I have to escape lately. This is California by Delta Spirit.

The next song just makes me bounce when I hear it. It is just a fun song that makes me happy and that is what Friday Happiness is all about. This is Shuffle by Bombay Bicycle Club.

Positive Self Care

I wonder why when taking care of my self feels good, I often do not want to do it?

I decided to walk from work to the place where I took an exercise class. It took me a good 45 minutes to get there and it felt good. I need to do this more often. I then took the class and I love it. I am not flexible at all but I will get there.

I have been feeling like a sloth lately and not a wicked cute sloth at that. I just want to lounge around and move at slow speed. I feel much better when I take care of myself. I know I struggle with feeling worthy and I often feel that I don’t deserve it but I feel better in general when I take steps that are positive in my life.

That is a big question sort of like what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I am taking another class tomorrow night and I can not wait. I plan on walking there before the class as well.

To Move or Not to Move

Guess where I am making this blog post from tonight?

My new laptop!

Hopefully my cord chewing beast will have his cord chewing days numbered because I will not need to snake the cord all over the apartment any longer to get internet service!

I have other news as well. My rat in a cage syndrome is alive and well.

What is rat in a cage syndrome?

Well, I have always had a big of escape wanderlust. I went far away to college. After school, I ran away to a guy in New York state. I always told myself I would leave Boston once my Mother died and well, now that it has happened, I feel the call. I have lived almost all of my life in the Boston area. I want to experience the country and world outside of Boston. I sort of felt like a rat looking out from a cage thinking life would just be good if I just could get out!

I have harbingers of guilt in my life though. Dad tells me “Oh, you’ll never leave Boston.” Why does he say this, because he does not want me to leave!

Where would I live? Right now Denver is at the top of my list. Pittsburgh was pretty cool as well. I am going to Boise to check it out.

Some friends of mine say that if I move from south of Boston to north of Boston that will be big enough change for me. I am a South Shore gal and the North Shore is just a foreign place to me but not far enough! I don’t know about that. If I do stay, I would like to move into Boston somewhere.

Have you ever moved across the country? How did you begin to do it?

Also, I think I am going to make the big Blogger to Word Press move soon. Stay tuned.

Financial Bump

I guess with the whole funeral thing at the beginning of March that I forgot to pay my rent. My landlord knocked on my door tonight and said, “Where’s your rent for March?” Ah, I thought I paid it. Nope. I wish they would have called me and I would have done it much sooner. No wonder why I had extra money this month.

I had bought a laptop that was on sale today so to cover my rent for March and April, I am going to have to do some creative paying. I knew it was too good to be true.

Just adds to the mess that is most of my life. I was embarrassed to have my landlord in my apartment. Luckily, he can’t really see. I was just getting my financial house mostly in order and this is hopefully just a little bump in the road.

Baby steps. Once I get this paid, I am caught up totally then I can move on to purge my apartment.

Days of My Cat

Anyone want a cord chewing beastie?

April Fools, sort of. He did chew the cord but he is my buddy and I won't give him up....

Games of Thrones starts tonight, which has me excited....