I need to let this song sink into my head.
Carbon Leaf is one of my favorite bands and this song sort of resonates with me especially as I sit at home on a Saturday night alone.
Since I did not post last night, I decided to post another Carbon Leaf song that I always smile and dance to, when no one is looking. It just makes me happy.
I am my own sort of boxer battling my personal demons and this sort of urges me on.
Positive note for the day:
I am a fighter.
I had a nice little post about how happy I am that tomorrow is Friday but then my computer froze and I did not want to turn it back on. So now I am typing on my Droid and I forgot what I wrote in Windows Live Writer.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don't think any of my meds will change. We shall see.
My positive note for today: I am happy to have good friends.
This spring, I want to accomplish something so here is some things to possibly do and/or achieve because I need to remind myself.
1. Exercise 4 times a week.
It is not too much to ask, especially since I just bought and got some new exercise clothes to wear. Couldn’t work out in my pajamas.
2. Enjoy myself travelling.
I am going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Philadelphia, a city I have never been to and then I will be off to Portland, Oregon and Boise, Idaho. I am travelling to both alone but the trip to Boise and Portland will be quite the adventure. I need to finish my planning.
3. Drive less.
Does that mean walk more? With gas prices high and the fact I need to save more, I want to drive less. I can walk, take the T or maybe even take out my bike, which was meant to be ridden.
4. Write down 1 positive thing a day if it kills me.
I have such a hard time thinking anything positive about myself. One thing a day, shouldn’t be too hard right?
5. Cut down on soda.
I am a Coke Zero gal. I drink too much of it. Not having it everyday won’t be too much to ask myself, will it? I will also save money. With a 20 ounce bottle costing upwards of $1.90, it adds up.
6. Continue on my eye contact quest.
I will not stare at the ground when I walk. I will look up and smile.
7. Get some sort of mobile device so I can blog on the go.
Blogging from my phone is hard. I need a laptop or tablet for when I am away from my desktop. (Someone said to me the other day “They still have desktops?” Ah yes. )
Do you have any goals?
Peanut butter and jelly is like the ultimate comfort food mixture for me. I decided to have a PB&J sandwich for dinner with milk and I liked it.
I know, I should not equate food with comfort but I was feeling low and after an errand to get cat food, I did not want to cook. Oddly, it stopped my brain from dwelling on the unlovable thoughts that plagued it on the way home.
I was going to post my goals for the spring but I will get that tomorrow. I just wanted to dwell on the good that the PB&J sandwich did for me tonight.
I noticed tonight that I have posted 720 blog posts which sort of amazes me. 720? Wow!
It was a gray cold day in Boston and the lure of the covers was hard to give up this morning but since I had plans I had to. Not before I was playing with Vignette Camera for my Droid and taking this picture of a close Boots.
I was feeling sort of blah today, probably to mirror the weather. It was a day to nap and I totally felt like napping away.
I can not stop listening to this song. “We get older, you get younger, it was you or me.” I have been a little messed up about my age lately and everyone seems so young now or I am just getting old. The band is Tribes and the song is We Were Children.
I did not post a song on Friday and while this is not a happy happy song, I like it.
Tonight, instead of going home and sitting in my empty apartment, I decided to take a Long Lean Legs class at Life in Synergy. I loved it.
When I take care of myself, I feel better. I am not talking just about losing weight or eating healthy, I am talking about truly taking care of yourself. A day where I don’t dwell on the negative. A day where I care about what happens to me.
That makes me happy.
Tomorrow I am attending Blog Better Boston. If you are going and see me, say hi!
A friend I met through blogging, had some awesome quotes for Wordless Wednesday that I loved and need to take to heart.
This needs to stick with me:
Then I need to paste this one everywhere:
Finally:
At work today, I needed music so I brought in my iTouch and listened while it charged. This was the first song that came on shuffle was this:
Was my iTouch trying to tell me something?
I don’t feel quite a hopeless as yesterday. It is a start!
This post is just one where I list what I am feeling today and it is not good. Be warned.
I have gained 4 pounds this week. Should have binged, it would at least made the 4 pounds feel better.
I was not feeling good before I stepped on the scale.
I was feeling very hopeless.
Very hopeless.
I was feeling very ugly, unlovable and worthless.
I was thinking that what I am doing to myself is a slow form of suicide.
I wish that I could just disappear.
If I never ate again, it would be better.
I am 38. I will never have kids or probably get married. I will be working until I am 90. I take care of everyone but no one really cares about me. What is the point?
That I needed to put this here to get it out of my head. Just writing it and admitting it feels better. I am looking forward to my therapy appointment this week. I try to hide what I am feeling but I double I did very well at that. At least I was alone today at work and didn’t have to face people.
I have a little problem admitting that sometimes I need help. People ask me if I am doing ok and just because I don’t want to be a bother or to depress them or just because I am ashamed, I say that I am “Doing ok” or “fine” when I am not. Whether I hid my problems, I don’t know because I can’t look at myself.
Most of the time, I have been ok. Just floating along the middle of the road, not happy, not sad. Lately I am struggling. This weekend was just a symptom. I had stuff to do, like get some hard food for his highness, Boots, and I ignored it.) I had to force myself into the shower.
I know things have been stressful over the last few weeks and I never cut myself some slack, but I have to stop this downward slid now and get back on two feet. I did get out on a walk on my lunch break and enjoyed being out in the sun. It felt good.
Tomorrow is a new day.
What did I do this weekend to make the weekend go by so fast?
Did I go out and drink with a good portion of Boston?
Have a wild date?
I did nothing.
If it was not for the fact that I needed shampoo, I might not have left the apartment all weekend.
What did I do for most of the weekend?
I started to watch The Vampire Diaries, which is very good in addition to Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley, and I did some reading. I also started to slip into the dark side again.
I ordered some work out clothing tonight in the hopes that it might help. In the past, I don’t think exercise has helped my depression. My mind races when I exercise and given that time to think, I tend to think bad things, which sucks me into that cycle of tearing myself apart, etc. Still, it can’t hurt to go for a long walk.
I will bring my work out clothing to work and walk the Esplanade after work tomorrow.
Lately, I have been trying to remember to say to myself LAMBS.
What does LAMBS mean to me?
Lonely
Angry
Missing something?
Bored
Sad
My triggers to a lot of things. Emotional eating is one of them. I learned this attending my Binge Eating and Bulimia Disorder group. I have to look back at the post more often.
Food was my friend, and my only friend, for a while. It was there when others were not. It did not judge, tease, dump or really do anything that I thought other people would do to me. When my parents were distracted, food replaced them. I would huddle in my room with whatever I had and eat talking to the food, as if it would talk back.
It is hard to give it up when it has been with you since you were 9 or 10 until now, I am 38.
Out of all of those, the infamous LONELY is the big trigger. Lonely is friends with sad and miserable, etc.
I have often felt alone in this world. That no one would miss me if I could just disappear. The last few weeks, I have spent a lot of time at home, alone.
While some alone time is good, me being alone for say, all weekend is bad. I am fine in the beginning. I enjoy it but it starts to wear me down. I start to think too much and the thoughts are not good. The kitchen beckons.
Food can not be a friend. It can not replace a good conversation or a smile on a friend’s face or that feeling of happiness when you see your friend. It can not replace a boyfriend or significant other. It just does not have that ability. It can not even replace the happy feeling I get when I hear Boot’s purr.
It doesn’t even make me feel good like it used to. It is just seconds where I tear myself apart and the guilt starts.
If, I have to say LAMBS a thousand times, I will. I should put a picture up in the kitchen.
A good cry would be more beneficial to whatever I can get my hands on.
The cycle of binging, restricting, binging, restricting is not worth it.
One sign that I have been struggling a bit over the last couple of weeks is my sleeping.
I could sleep 24 hours, 7 days a week and be perfectly content. Now, I would be pretty deep into a depression slip or severely anemic, which has happened before, but I would be content.
I had just started to wake up relatively on time before the problems of the last few weeks. My days of being an early riser are over but after hitting snooze, 1 or 2 times, I had no problem getting my ass out of bed.
I slept through three alarms this morning. Gah!
I wake up in a panic at 8:15 (when I have to be to work at 9, in Boston, through traffic if I drive or on the subway, as I prefer). That gives me 15 minutes to shower, make coffee, feed my Boots, get dressed in somewhat matching clothes, teeth brushed and basically out the door. I am like a chicken without a head.
I hate it.
A lot.
I get to work with two mismatched socks. My hair looks like a big red mess or a flat red mess. I have no make up. I look like the toy that Boots was playing with over night that he put on me. Things get missed.
I like to take a good shower and preferably make breakfast at home or have something to bring to work. I want to look somewhat decent and actually wear make up. I hate being late. It is the total opposite of early Jen. I used to be early to EVERYTHING. The early bird gets the worm.
The early bird puts the blanket over my head and hides.
This is what I need:
Boots just curls up next to me and purrs.
I need a 4th fisher cat scream alarm or something. Their screams are eerie.
Any tips if you are dealing with this?
In other news, I’m Blogging About Mental Health Day is May 16th. Mark your calendars!
I should not have looked tonight.
After the last two weeks, I was not mentally there to look but I did anyways. I gained 1.4 at weigh in.
After the funeral and the stomach bug on Sunday, I was not just mentally ready for it. I accept it and it is only 1.4 pounds but not what I needed.
Since the meeting topic this week was negative talk. I thought the meeting would be right up my alley, given my issues but I am beginning to think that I am just too fucked messed up in the head for WW meetings. Both times I spoke tonight, the leader looked at me like she did not know what to say.
The first time, I talked about after the two weeks I had, I was having a really hard time making the negative talk go away. I said that I was going to leave to cry and beat myself up. She said, “Would tracking make you feel better?” No, probably not. I said that the thoughts were just overwhelming. That this was just the cherry on top of a great two weeks. That it is not just that “I suck because I ate this….” that I was thinking utter self-hatred thoughts.
The second time, it was about accepting compliments when you lose weight and I raised my hand to talk about when I lose wright, people would tell me, “You look like a new person!” or “You are a new person!” I was a little insulted because I am still the same Jennifer, just smaller. I like the same thing and have a similar personality. Was my overweight self so bad that I am now a new person? It just totally bothered me deep inside. She had a hard time understanding me.
I really miss the binge eating support groups that I went to. I could say things like I am having a lot of really bad thoughts about myself and not feel so out of place. I know a lot of this is in my head and yes, a WW is not a place to bear my soul. I can not be actively trying to lose weight and go to those binge eating meetings.
One person in my meeting talked about that “religion of Overeaters Anonymous” and snickered. If my therapist had not thought that OA would be too harsh for me, I would be doing both OA and WW. Nothing to snicker about.
I wish there was something more like a support group I could attend while going to WW. I will have to research it. I need more then the WW meeting.
One thing is that I have to eat more. I find that I only eat 12-15 points by dinner time. I get 43 points in a day. I try to eat when I am hungry and I have not been hungry. I definitely need to eat more for breakfast (today I only had a Chobani Blood Orange 0% Greek yogurt (which is wicked good) but not enough for breakfast! For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly whole wheat English muffin with an orange. Barely, 13 points. I was not hungry! It is more common than not.
I need help.
I was excited to see daylight when I got out of work today. I was sick over the weekend and in my sick haze, only half of the clocks in my apartment were sprung ahead. Luckily, they were the important ones, like my alarm clock. I am willing to trade losing an hour just to get extended daylight.
While, this winter has not been bad by any means, I still seem to get sucked into the winter blues more often than not. I think it just looks so depressing around here during the winter. All of the houses are similar colors, the plants are dead and it is just gray all the time.
Spring is almost here and life should be coming back to the landscape soon. I do think that the houses around here need to be painting fun colors, not just white, gray, dark blue. New England, we need color in the winter.
It was also warm here in Boston and people were out and about when I stuck my head out of my dungeon for lunch today. I even took my coat off, it was so nice. I even walked to the library after I got home from work. I want more days like this.
While, 60 one day and 40 the next is ok, spring will be here soon. I think we will have a real spring this year.
Something about the computer sucks the happiness out of me sometimes so on Friday, I decided not to go near it and that made me happy.
I am doing better. I had a good therapy session and I got to talk about the death and my reaction to it. How I felt that somehow I should have cried more. After therapy, it is not bothering me much anymore. It is a weight off of my shoulders.
Last night, I was under a blanket on the couch and my furry friend Boots found his favorite spot on my thigh to rest for the evening. We settled into a good episode of Grimm.
I joke with a couple friends of mine that I have a huge crush on the Grimm character, Monroe and the actor, Silas Weir Mitchell.
He is like the perfect guy, except the fact that he is a werewolf. His character makes the show.
So while I may be home alone on a Friday night with a cat on my thigh but at least I can watch Grimm and it makes me happy.
I am hoping that with my mother’s death, I will once again be close to one of my sisters. We are a small family and I want to be connected to the one I have. Maybe it is wishful thinking but I am going to make my best effort to get closer to my sister. My nephews are growing up and I feel like I am not being a good aunt. I want to be closer to them. They seem to be fine little men.
I have been feeling sad over the last few days but not overwhelmingly so. I had the urge to sleep yesterday after the funeral and I did. I took a long nap. I feel much better today. Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment since Mom went down hill and died. I have a lot to talk about.
I am looking forward to this weekend. I don’t have many plans except to get my hair cut. I just hope to relax and try to unwind a bit from the events over the last 2 weeks.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your thoughts and prayers. You are awesome 
Mom had been sick for a long time. She was first diagnosed 13 years ago and had been ill prior to that so we had been grieving for a long time. Over the last 10 months, she has been in a coma like state, not talking, walking, opening her eyes and just being there breathing that each time I went to visit her, I said good bye a little at a time. Finally she is not suffering.
Putting together photo collages for her wake has been tough. Here we do a viewing for either two or four hours the day before the funeral where people come to say goodbye and talk about the deceased person. I know in other parts of the country and religions, wakes are not done like that. We have been going through old photos and my mind has been wandering on the past.
There is one picture of me, my sister who is 2 years younger than me, my mother and father and we look so happy. What happened? The dwelling on it will drive me crazy. I am really trying not to ruminate over it as I look at the pictures. I love the pictures of Mom as I remember her from when I was young before mental illness and dementia took her. I am trying to let it get me down. I am going to hang some of these good pictures I am finding up to remind me of the good times.
I tend to dwell on the bad things and while there were lots of bad times, there were lots of good times a well. I need to remember those as well.
Mom died this afternoon. It was at a point that no one was there and she was peaceful. She is in a better place and she has stopped suffering, which was the most important thing.
Dementia is a devastating disease and to be robbed starting at age 50 is just too much.
I will miss you Mom, a lot.
I am here. I am in a pattern of general malaise, which given everything, is sort of understandable. Mom is still hanging in there. She is on a lot of morphine every hour and Ativan to relax her plus she has pneumonia but she is still hanging on.
Work is insanely busy and going from there to the nursing home at night, just overwhelms me emotionally. I am so happy tomorrow is Friday.
I just suck everything inside. I try to let it out in a big cry and can’t. Maybe because she was diagnosed 13 years ago and we knew the end would be like this? Maybe because I have been grieving for a long time and she will stop suffering soon.
I can’t wait to sleep in on Saturday. That is all I have planned this weekend, besides seeing Mom, is sleeping in. I can’t tell you how much that makes me happy.
