Nearing the End

I was driving into work this morning when I got a call from my father. “The nursing home just called and they said Mom is dying.” The call that we have been waiting for/dreading.

I turned around and drove to the nursing home. She was not breathing normally. Her breathing rate was 8 per minute when is should be around 16 per minute. She was on oxygen.

We sat with her and hospice came and sat with us as well. She was still breathing when I left this afternoon. I asked if the oxygen was keeping her alive and they said no, that it is just for comfort. Sometime in the next day or two, she will probably die.

It is sad but the road has been so long and she has suffered a lot. Mom, I love you.

If I disappear for a little while over the next few days, it will be because of Mom. I will post because it helps me a lot.

Coffee Date

I had a date last night with a guy from OkCupid. We met for coffee. Nothing unusual happened. We talked. I was nervous. He didn’t run away at the sight of me. I probably won’t see him again as when we parted we said nothing of other plans. It was good to get out.

I am not watching the Oscars tonight. It just does not appeal to me.

I have the Sunday night blahs. I am going to make some tea and relax tonight without thinking on the Monday morning dread.

How was your weekend?

Friday Happiness: Red Pandas

No music today because no happy music struck me. Instead, I have red pandas.

Red pandas trying to open the door:

Playing in the snow:

The Firefox red pandas:

Yes, this stuff makes me happy.

Appointment with Dad

Dad had an appointment at with his cardiologist this morning.  He has atrial fibrillation and because he can’t take Coumadin, as it does not thin his blood and he has had a bleeding stroke, there is not much they can do for it. His weight is an issue.

While in the waiting room, he talked about how if he died then it would be a whole lot better for “us” (me and the siblings). I was doing an internal “Gah!” followed by “No, Dad, it would not be better for us if you died.”

An argument over how someone’s death would make someone else’s life better was not what I wanted. I don’t want to think about Dad dying. It is bad enough with Mom. I don’t need to think about Dad as well. He is very important to me. I don’t have a large family. Once he is gone, it would not be better.

How does one respond to this? I mean really.

The doctor’s appointment did not go as well as before. He is reluctant to try to lose weight to give up the one pleasure in his life. He can’t drink, he can’t smoke or do drugs (though with the 30 pills he is on, I don’t know) and since he can’t take anything for his horrible arthritis he can hardly move. There is nothing they can do for him.

On the ride home, he started to talk about the past and how he enabled Mom. I can’t do it. I can’t dwell on the past. I have spent most of my life ruminating over and over and over the past until it makes me crazy. We can’t change it. It is what it is.  We talked a little then I said that there is nothing we can do to change it. Nothing. We can only work on the present and the future. The past makes us stronger.

I am worried about him. Since my brother was laid off, he is home a lot and that might be affecting things since he lives with Dad. He used to be the confident strong one and I am trying to be strong but inside, it makes me sick.

This Time Really Will Be Different

What is different about this time is that I am confronting my demons head on and I am not obsessing, or at least trying my damned hardest, not to obsess over every little thing. I used to spend hours on weight loss message boards, on Facebook discussing weight loss, planning my wardrobe to the last ounce in my underwear, doing a lot of unhealthy and possibly eating disordered behaviors…..

That has stopped.

I am really trying not to be led down that road this time. Along with viewing my weight different, I am viewing the whole process differently. I am trying to live my life as normal while treating myself better including eating healthier.

I never delved into the whys much either until it was too late. I actually spoke up in the WW meeting tonight when they talked about what emotions make you eat. When I said “loneliness” and that food was “my friend” when no one else was the room went quiet.

Baring my soul like that is hard and it is times like that to know that WW is probably not the place to do that. It was just a little too deep for a WW meeting. I did get it out there though. 

I know that dealing with my attention problem is at the top of my list. It is going to get worse as I lose weight. I won’t be invisible, my preferred but not-preferred state at the same time. Men will probably pay attention. I need to reign in those feelings.

I lost 2 pounds this week despite the heavy slow cooked polenta dinner I had last night that was a lot like my Italian grandmother made.

When I talk about weight loss, it will be more about what goes on in my head, than what goes in my stomach, because that is where my problem is.

Little outrage of the day:

I heard they are remaking 21 Jump Street!

How can this be? I watched this in high school and had a crush on Peter DeLuise. Josh Harnett is well, wicked handsome himself, but to remake such a piece of my teenage years. Gah!

Unworthy Thoughts

There is something about trying to lose weight and be healthy that brings it out in me.

The bad negative thoughts.

The you are so unworthy, ugly, unlovable, so everything bad thoughts. This is so not where I want to go. I sometimes miss the Binge Eating Disorder group that I went to. It helped to actually talk with people who understood but I could not be losing weight while attending those meetings. It is not permitted. They want your mind healthy without triggering behaviors and guess what is a triggering behavior. I thought I was better or at least, spacing the thoughts out further and further each incident.

Sometimes, I wonder what makes those thoughts come up. And no, it will not go away if I lose weight. If I don’t nip it in the bud now, it will just get worse and I will end up in a relapse of where I was before. I haven’t been looking at my numbers nor have I been thinking of the number much, so that can’t be it.

I am trying to rearrange my thoughts. Instead of:

You are so unworthy and unlovable. No one will ever want you.

I am trying to think:

I am worthy and there are people who love and depend on me.

It is hard. I hate this CBT turning negative into positive behavior and I cringe on thinking positive stuff but I am hoping that it gets better with time. I am not one for complements.

We were talking at work about how I am not a huggy feely person. (Yes, I know.) I don’t like to be touched. Period especially by people I don’t know. I have days where I want no one touching me. Maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a kid, I don’t know.

I think it is all related.

And in a little by note, I can not listen to Morrissey anymore. He makes me want to jump off a bridge when I listen. It includes The Smiths. It is just a realization that it is time, I cut him off.

A Sunday Confession

Sundays are a good day for confessions. I am not sure why, it just is known, to me anyways.

This is a big object of anxiety for me.

Living alone sometimes sucks the life out of me. I come to the lights off and to silent noise. Yes, silent noise. When the quiet just drives you crazy.  It allows the thoughts to overwhelm sometimes. That was how it was today, when I got home from a sewing class I am taking.

I did not get home until after dark and all of the lights were out. Boots, the one good thing about coming home to a constantly empty of human interaction apartment, was meowing at my through the door. If it wasn’t for Boots, I might now come home at all.

I get lonely for human contact when I spend a lot of time home alone or out and about but alone all the same. Sometimes, I identify as a loner but I don’t like it. I feel like such a bother to people. I don’t want to ask sometime to meet me for coffee because I need someone to talk to face to face because I will be a bother. I never had that easiness that some people have to call a friend and say, “Hey want to get a drink?” or “Can you meet me for coffee, I really need to talk.”

I can email a friend to see if they want to get together for dinner a week or two down the road but actually calling someone sends a rush of anxiety through me. Will I bother them? They probably won’t want to talk to me. Why would they?

I am not talking about loneliness for a romantic companion. Yes, I really miss that and if I was lower the other day I might have jumped at the chance with Patrick only to be miserable and hating myself. I am talking about picking up the phone (not with family but with friends or acquaintances) and saying, “Hey, are you available to get a martini with me? Or a coffee or go for a walk?”

Why does writing an email about something 2 weeks in advance offer no resistance to me but to actually pick up that phone and call someone that has me running for the hills?

Friday Happiness: Brand New Day

This song sort of reminds of my morning except I didn’t didn’t sing but I had a spring in my step. It was freeing last night to speak my mind. He called me tonight. I will never understand.

He is a cuties based on this album cover.

And this:

I have a nice quiet weekend. I have to work a couple of hours tomorrow and though I would not have had President’s Day off on Monday, I decided to take it off as a mental health day. After working tomorrow, I am just going to get a cup of coffee and chill out in a local coffee shop.

That makes me happy.

What are your happy things this week?

 

Flame Not Rekindled

I met up with Patrick a day early. He called me last night and asked if I was busy tonight and I said, sure, might as well get it over with. No, I was curious. Curiosity drove me to meet up with him.

We met in a generic Starbucks. I tried to get him to go to the comfy Starbucks near my house but we went to the uncomfortable one closer to my house. I got there first and he was late. We talked. I talked about my trips to Pittsburgh, Louisville, San Diego and most of all, he wanted to hear about the rodeo in Denver and mutton bustin’. He claims I have changed because I like to travel and I had a necklace on. It was a pretty generic conversation given the history.

I said I would walk home but he insisted on driving me. He parked in front of my house and that’s when the “Why did you contact me after 4 years?” talk took place and “What do you want?” question arose.

It felt good to say, you know what you hurt me. You treated me like you didn’t give a damn and you know what, I do not want that.

He asked to come in and I laughed. He’s like I am getting older and lonely. I was immature (you were 45!) and I treated you bad, he claimed. He told me that I have a heart of gold and that I was “set in my ways.” I said that no, I would rather be single then dragged through the muck again.  I said that we were not meant to be together.

He was thrown by that remark. I was not happy with him when we were together. He did not treat me well. I would not be happy with him now. I am sorry Patrick but for once, I am being honest and thinking of myself. It was good to see you but really, you thought I would would not meet up with you and I almost didn’t. I wish him well.

A Content Single

For the first time ever, I can honestly say I am content with being single.

I do not feel sad being single today.

On the T tonight coming home, there were lots of guys and some women with flowers, balloons, bears and God only knows what else to bring to their sweetie. It would be nice to be in a relationship. To be with someone who cared. Since I am not, I am fairly content in that regard.

I have had enough shitty relationships to last a while. I am happier without them.

Speaking of ex-boyfriends, I am meeting Patrick aka Irish man for coffee (or in his case, cocoa) Friday night. Patrick is someone who I dated for 3 years. I am not sure what he wanted during those 3 years but it was not what I wanted. At one point we were supposed to get an apartment together in Dorchester, a neighborhood of Boston, that had a great view of the city, but he lost it then we looked at apartments else where. Everything fell apart. I was so upset at him losing the apartment, that I told him I never wanted to talk to him again.  This was before I started the blog so almost 4 years ago!

Not so Secret Sister hated him with a passion. Now I understand why.

I almost wish I never answered the phone at work. I am very ambivalent about meeting him again. He had tried to weasel coming to my apartment and I said an emphatic NO! He claims he has changed. I don’t know.

It is a good thing I downloaded this today. It was a free Amazon Kindle book.

I may never understand them and you know, do I want to?

That is the question!

I did weigh in tonight and I lost 3 pounds. It was a total surprise because mind thought it would be that much in the other direction. Bodies can be strange. My total is at 5.8 pounds. I need to start to think about rewards. I have never rewarded myself for weight loss (or anything) really. I have to think of something good to reward myself with at 10 pounds.

 

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I can cross one thing off of my list and feel a little bit in control or at least I can start to really plan my vacation and maybe get a laptop. I did my taxes tonight and I am relieved to say I am getting a refund from the Feds and the state. Not that giving the government a no interest loan is good, it is better than paying at the moment.

The vacation I am planning is a trip to Portland and Boise in June. If you live between Portland and Boise let me know, I may have some questions about the area. As of now, I plan on flying into Portland, spending a couple of days there. I will rent a car and drive to Boise. I may fly out of Portland as well because it is a lot cheaper and well, saving $200 would be worth it. Have any Portland, Oregon, Boise and/or Idaho tips for June?

What makes me happy about this is that it is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to have something to look forward to. I get so mired in going to work, going to sleep and not getting out of the depressed haze sometimes that I need something to look forward to. Travelling will be it.

Prior to Boise, I am going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Philadelphia in May. I am looking forward to that because I have never been there. I have been wanting to go for a while. I have friends that have talked about it and intrigued me.

Sometimes it doesn’t have to be travel. It could be seeing a friend or going to dinner or something that I look forward to. I hope to take a mental health day soon because I really really need one. I will be really looking forward to that.

Sometimes I get so bogged down in my mind that I have to have one good thing to hook on to and it makes me feel better.

Depression and Control

I don’t know what to write about tonight. I was going to write about opening my eyes and seeing things that I just never paid attention to before because I was just in a fog or what and how I am noticing clothing, men, everything more often lately but I couldn’t find the pictures of what I wanted to express and my mind was just in a bit of a fog itself. My 5 Things will be put off this week because I can’t think of what I want. It is 0 things tonight.

Have you ever noticed, if you are depressed, that when you start to get one part of your life back to somewhat normal, the other parts start to fall apart more?

I start to eat a little healthier and everything else falls apart. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. When did I lose control of things? Did I ever really control them to begin with?

My hold was tenuous at best. Things might have been in “order” to me but that was just a little string holding things together.

I think too much I think. I need to turn my brain off.

Friday Happiness: Uplifting

I love this song!. This is Stephen Kellogg singing "Watch You Grow." Don't worry what people say!

Here are some more things that make me happy:

• Animals. I could look at pictures of baby and cute animals all day. I could snuggle with Boots, when he is not chewing cords and be quite contented.
• High tea. Tomorrow I am going to one. My Irish/Scottish/English immigrant relatives must be turning over in their graves. Didn't they come here to leave that stuff behind? I guess not.
• Music. It totally relaxes me. It soothed my Mom. It soothes me. 
• Acceptance. Whether it be accepting me as I am or someone who is different then you as they are, it makes me happy. I hate when people hate because of a different political opinion,sexual orientation, because of red hair or whatever. Period. Hate me because my personality conflicts with yours not because I am a Catholic, exploring some things, politically independent and redheaded Boston gal of Irish/Scottish/Italian heritage. 
• I did not go through with suicide 12 years ago. Somewhere deep inside me, I thought that I was worth it. 
• It is Friday!

What makes you happy this Friday?

A Visit with Mom

I haven't talked about Mom in a while. It is just such a depressing topic for me that sometimes even talking about it makes  me down. How could it not, honestly. 


I saw Mom for the first time in a few weeks (major guilt bad daughter syndrome there) on Sunday and it was tough. She was chattering her teeth so loudly that I could hear it from 8 feet away. She has been sick with pneumonia so they have her inclined on the bed and they have been suctioning out fluid and phlegm via a patch in her neck. 


It was so hard to see. She is suffering. I pulled my chair to get as close to her as I could. I started to rub her hand, which calmed the chattering a bit. I tried to talk to her. Telling it was OK to let go. 


I had a conversation with Dad the other night about the letting go thing. He also told me that he had told her that it was OK to let go. She is so drugged that she doesn't move much any more. It controls the uncontrollable muscle movements that being on the Abilify for so long gave her. (Damn those Abilify commercials with "Dementia patients taking Abilify......" gah!) 


She was diagnosed 12 years ago. It has been a long grinding road. This is the second time, since the feeding tube, that she has gotten pneumonia like symptoms and since she no longer goes to the hospital for that type of stuff, maybe that will be what finally finishes it.  She is suffering. She can't talk. She doesn't eat. She can't sit up and even opening her eyes is hard. I just want her to be in a better place and finally to stop suffering. 


The guilt thing is tough. Between the guilt of putting the feeding tube in, which still plagues me and I know is wrong since given our options at the time, and that fact that I can only stay for 30 minutes at the most. It is just too depressing. If I miss a weekend, I feel it. It is overwhelming. If I don't, am I a bad daughter?


Dementia is a horrible disease and to happen to someone as young as my Mother, breaks my heart. It has torn my family apart. 

Silent What?

When I first signed up for Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago, I said that I did not want to know my weight, my gains, my losses, nothing. Please do not tell me. The receptionist said that is fine and she would write SILENT WEIGHT on my booklet and no one would tell me.

Well, tonight, I was not feeling good about the prospect of that number and myself in general. My mind was not in a good place as it frequently isn’t. I did not want to know. I wasn’t going to look.

The receptionist looks at my booklet, when she took it, says “silent weight, hmmm.” I said “yep”. I step on that inanimate object of control. The receptionist says “Wonderful! You lost 1.8.”

I said, “Please do not tell me. I do not want to know. I am trying to do this without dwelling on the number. I am trying to do this healthy, my way.”

“I thought you would want to know about a loss.”

What does SILENT WEIGHT mean? I am going to write it more on the inside. PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME. If I can handle it, I will look. That means the good, the bad, the wonderful and the ugly.

So now I know. I am dwelling. I hate it.

I hate it all.

Why do I do this? As if this helps? I know 100% times better. I know. I will not be successful unless I can beat this. I have lost 100 pounds several times only to feel WORSE about myself. I have spent a lot of money in therapy and I still can not shut this part of my brain off at times. I feel like a failure in the depression/anxiety therapy department. It is much better than before but certain behavior just encourages it and weight loss is one of them.

Blah!

What can I say?

I was devastated. Physically sick.

There is always next year.

There was a somber note all over Boston this morning. I certainly participated.

Life goes on. My Sunday afternoons are free now. I signed up for a sewing class starting next week.

Actually, I am looking forward to my life slowing down soon. It is either sink or swim for me lately. I need a happy medium of activities and down time. It goes from one extreme to the other. I am busy but yet I feel so alone. I could be in a crowded room and yet feel alone. One reason why I hate this time of year. Spring can’t get here soon enough.

Friday Happiness: I Feel Fine

In honor of me seeing my good college friend for the first time in forever last week, I am bring back two REM songs from way back that make me want to spin around and jump.

With all this crazy stuff happening, it is the end of the world and I do feel fine:

I always feel the need to dance to Radio Free Europe:

I do find it weird that the music I used to love in college and even 15 years ago is considered oldies. I still love it though. It brings back memories of all the fun times in college.

Groundhog Weather Rodents

I am here! Sort of.

I need a vacation of some sort.

I saw that rodent saw his shadow today. How anyone can think that this can predict the weather is beyond me. I know the story behind the tradition. Yet, there are conflicting groundhogs. Make up your mind rodents!

  Image

Either way, there are six weeks of winter left anyways. It is a hard time of the year for me to get through. The long endless days of blahness are ahead. There are no holidays to look forward too until Memorial Day at the end of May. I can feel myself getting into the midwinter funk and I need to stop it.

In other news, I am withdrew my name from weight loss surgery. I can’t do it. I can’t. I went back to Weight Watchers. I lost 1.4 pounds my first week after traveling, pizza, being sick, a 3 course brunch and such. I had them write “SILENT WEIGH IN” on my booklet so they will not tell me either way and I will only look if I am feeling mentally up to it. I am trying not to dwell too much on it. I have been way way way too obsessed with it in the past and I want to do this healthy. My weigh in day is Tuesday.

I do like the new WW system. My eating has changed. I am not eating as much. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Time will tell.