Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Hopeless

 I have to acknowledge these feelings because it is driving me crazy and the only way I can see to try to stop them is to write about it:

I got this list from the Warning Signs of Suicide  from the Samaritans of Massachusetts site.

Verbal Signs

"I want to kill myself." - sort of yes.
"I don't want to be here anymore." - yes....
"No one understands me." - I don't understand me
"I can't take it anymore." - yes
"Things will never get better." - yes
"I'm tired of being a burden to my friends and family." -no
"No one would miss me if I were gone." - I know this is no but I can't help but think it.

Physical Changes

Losing or gaining weight quickly. - I am not hungry at all, which in my case is probably good.
Suddenly not caring about appearances or cleanliness.
Unexplained cuts, scrapes or bruises.
Appearing tired all the time. - I am having a lot of trouble getting out of bed.

Acting Differently

Changes in mood: more withdrawn, anxious or sad, or sudden mood lift after a down period. - Sad definitely
Changes in eating or sleeping habits.- Could sleep forever
Suddenly taking more risks: not taking prescribed medication, drunk driving, ignoring physical limitations, having unprotected sex, using more drugs or alcohol. - not right now
Loss of concentration.
Withdrawing from friends and family. - I want to withdraw
Losing interest in things that used to be enjoyed. - definitely
Not planning for the future. - I have never really done this.
Hurting oneself on purpose.
Thinking and talking about death a lot. - Yes
Unexplained good-byes or unusual personal expressions that have a sense of closure.

Situations

Recently having lost a loved one, relationship or job.- Well between Mom and Boots this year
Having money problems.- That is a constant
Having questions or worries about being gay, bisexual or transgender.
Previous suicide attempts.
Recent death of a loved one.
Problems in an important relationship.
Problems at work or school. - Work definitely
Social isolation.

I just feel very hopeless and can't think of a way to change. I am not going to do anything, I am just very much down. Since I am at work, this is what I thought would help. 

7 comments:

  1. Jen, I hope there is a support system in place for you where you can discuss these things and get the appropriate help. You have done exactly the right thing by writing down how you are feeling and it is important you get the right help. You have been through a tremendous amount this year, and don't underestimate how much of an impact this must have had on you.

    You are a lovely lady, and you must keep yourself safe.

    Sending lots of hugs. Pixie xx

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  2. I think you should call your doctor and explain how badly you are feeling. They do understand and maybe a different prescription or a change in dosage would help. I know I HATE someone telling me this when I feel bad, but it usually works. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Thinking of you♥

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  3. Jen, please talk to your doctor, a counselor, or a close friend. You have been through a lot this year and it's not surprising that you're having a tough time dealing with everything. This is also the start of a tough time of year for a lot of people. My husband and several members of his family are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and have a hard time adjusting to the time change and the difference in daylight that occurs at this time of the year. Perhaps a little tweak in your meds would help you get through this rough patch. You're doing the right thing by reaching out!

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  4. Jen, I agree with Shannon--please call your doctor or a hotline or some sort of support and reach out for help. Please. I am thinking about you and hoping for the best.

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  5. Hi Jen, I've read your blog for a while now and know through your words you're a nice and caring person. One less n&c person in the World makes it just that bit harder for all the other n&c's to do their stuff.
    Hang in there :-) xxx

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  6. Yes, like the others say, please call your doc.

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  7. Jen, as you know from reading my blog this is pretty much my baseline state of being. But I experience periods of joy in my life, and that keeps me getting up every day. And, changes in medications do bring the baseline up quite a bit. It sounds like perhaps (I'm not sure if you're on medication at this time) a med adjustment may be necessary, if that is something you can do.

    I hope you find relief. I don't know if you ever read Heather Armstrong, but she has some good stuff about the change of seasons and what it does to people with depression. You may want to go over to Dooce and read about it. I'm always shocked at what happens to me around the seasons.

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