Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

For the first time in a long time, I had thoughts that if the next 40 years of my life are like the first 40, I don’t want to live through them.

I have not thought like that in a long time and it is a bad sign.

Since Boots died, I have been really struggling. I feel horrible about myself and it is just sliding down hill from there. My therapist appointment is Friday and I can’t wait.

I got my hair cut shorter this weekend and I took a picture of it.

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I look at this picture and outside of my eyes, I see nothing good. Nothing good at all. I just see someone unlovable. Today I heard, “Jen if only you weren’t so like you are, your personality is great.” Blah.

I just wanted to admit the above and get it out. I am hoping seeing it in writing will help.

11 comments:

  1. I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better. But I do know we would all miss you if you were not here. I hope you feel better soon.♥

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  2. I see so much good in that photo, Jen. I know you can't see it right now, so please accept what I see: a beautiful, smart, funny woman.

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  3. There are beautiful pieces to everyday life. Find them and enjoy who you are. Unloveable? Unheard of. Simply not true.

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  4. Jen, sweetie, do you think maybe you should call your therapist right away and let him or her know how badly you are feeling? I'm not sure you should wait until Friday. I'm very concerned for you. I know you are in terrible pain right now and I wish I could do something for you.

    I agree with Shannon - your not being in this world would be a great loss and we would miss you. I know you don't believe that right now, but it is still the truth.

    By the way, I LOVE the haircut.

    (((Jen)))

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  5. Amen to the above comment! I hadn't checked on your blog in a couple of weeks and was very alarmed to read how down you are!!! Please call your therapist! Please hang in there! Sending up a prayer for you! 40 more years of you would be a good thing!!!

    Carol

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  6. I think you are a bright light shinning on the people you meet in this world. You have shinned your light on me. I enjoy(ed) your company when we met. I like to check in with your on Facebook and your blog. I think it would be cathertic to write down your feelings...and I'm glad you have your blog for that!

    I've been going to Naranon meetings (my nephew is in Rehab for a heroin addiction and he lived with me for 2 years while using...long story. He's fiance is still living with me) anyway at the meeting the said something I thought was so thoughtful.

    If we are depressed we are living in the past. If we are anxious we are living in the future...if we are a peace we are living in the present. SO HARD to do!

    Thinking of you!! and LOVE the haircut!


    Love the haircut.

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  7. Jen,
    You were one of the first bloggers I met at the meet up and you were so warm and inviting! For a first timer, I really appreciated your kindness. I think you have so much to offer! When I feel blah, I always try something new, if it's new, you can't know the outcome, so you forget about whatever is holding you back.

    There is no way to plan for the future, just make it the wonderful way you want it to be. And get a new kitty.
    XOXO
    Kristin

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  8. Jen, you've been hit with some bad knocks this year but you will get past it and find life worth living. Don't forget you mean a lot to a lot of other people.

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  9. You are beautiful! I love your hair!

    It is good that you realize you are struggling. I hope your therapy helps.

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  10. I look at this picture and think, "That's a girl I would probably have a lot of fun hanging out with." You have a great, friendly smile. I hope you feel better soon!

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  11. I LOVE that haircut, and the eyes! So sorry you're feeling down...thinking of you and praying for you lots. {{Jean}}

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