Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Sham

Two posts in one day? What is the world coming to.

I went to get weighed in at Weight Watchers tonight and it will probably the last time I do it.

I gained 6.4 pounds, basically everything I lost, despite how active I have been. It was demoralizing and horrible. I could not help but feeling how much I suck and how much of a sham it is that I try to deny that my self esteem is based on that frigging number.

I try to tell myself that I will not put too much weight in that weight number. I lie. It is everything and it focuses me on how much of a failure I am.

How do I break this never ending cycle?

I am going to continue to be active and watch what I eat. It was recommended that I read this:

Life in Synergy offers some nutritional guidance as well and I might look into that.

I am such a mess tonight. I need to get lost in reading I think, to take my mind off of things.


  1. First of all, you are NOT a failure. No way, no how. I don't care what the scale says. I know it feels like there is a connection between what you weigh and whether you are a success or not, but it is just a feeling. Not a fact.

    Second, don't forget that muscle weighs more than body fat. If you have been active, no doubt some of that gain is from muscle.

    Third, from what I've read of your posts, being active has helped you to feel better about yourself. I think that's awesome. It's great that you want to keep at it. It's good for you in so many ways, and you deserve the good results from it.

    I sure hope you feel better soon, because honestly, you have done nothing to feel bad about. You're doing what you can to take care of yourself. What more can you do? I'm proud of you for deciding to keep at it. Sleep well.

    1. I did have a little bit of a breakdown last night. I felt better this morning after sleeping. I do feel better when I take care of myself, my whole self, I know that for a fact.

      I am just going to continue to be active and make good food choices.

  2. You are so not a failure! You are a tryer. Just trying to find a way the best way for you to feed and look after yourself.

    I would absolutely recommend that book. But you know that already:)

    Despite all the work I have done of myself, body image and acceptance, I can guarantee that if I stepped on the scales I would feel like a failure. Even though the number would be less than last time. There are just no winner in that game.

    Hope you feel better soon xx

    1. I ordered the book from Amazon this morning. Once it comes, I will be joining you :)

  3. Jen, You are not a failure and you are not a sham. I think our dependence on a weight number for self-esteem can come and go. Sometimes we see clearly that we are more than a number. Other times, we depend too much on the number. That is being human.

    You are doing the best things for yourself--being active. Concentrate on what you're doing and try not to depend on the results for how you feel about it.

    I know--easier said than done, and I certainly am no expert at it!

    Be proud of all the good that you do through your blog and through our encouragement of others.

    1. Thank you. I am proud of my blog. It has almost been 4 years!

      I will continue on this taking care of myself road.

  4. Jen, you are NOT A FAILURE. I feel your pain, because I feel exactly the same way - I let that stupid plastic box full of metal springs dictate how I feel about myself. I know it's not true, but I can't help myself. That's why I stay away from it.

    The program I follow only lets you weigh every six weeks, and then only if you want to. It's hard, but it can be very freeing. I do know what you mean, though - it's hard not to look to the scale for validation that we're doing good and right things. Keep going - you WILL get the results you want sooner or later.


    1. What program is that Jean?

    2. The program I follow is called PRISM ( It's a faith-based program that focuses on conquering food addiction and losing weight through calorie counting and portion control, aiming for a diet at least 80% free of processed foods, weekly informational videos and daily lessons that are both educational and philosophical in nature. You don't need to be a Christian to take part, but it is a Christian program, so if that's not your thing you might not enjoy it.

      You can learn more about it by visiting the link above or by clicking on the PRISM label on my blog to read posts that pertain to PRISM. I'm not trying to make a sale here (as far as diet programs go, this one's fairly affordable), but I will say that it's the only thing that has helped me *consistently* control my eating problem for the past six years (consistently, not perfectly). I lost 80 pounds that first year, and while I haven't kept all of it off, I've kept much of it off and never again got up to where I was. I'd never lost so much weight so consistently before, and believe me, I've tried everything - I think PRISM's methods helped to heal my screwed-up metabolism.

      It's a tough program, but it totally changed the way I look at food and nutrition. If you want to know any more about it, just send me a message and I'll be happy to talk to you about it.

      Take care!


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