I should not have looked tonight.
After the last two weeks, I was not mentally there to look but I did anyways. I gained 1.4 at weigh in.
After the funeral and the stomach bug on Sunday, I was not just mentally ready for it. I accept it and it is only 1.4 pounds but not what I needed.
Since the meeting topic this week was negative talk. I thought the meeting would be right up my alley, given my issues but I am beginning to think that I am just too
fucked messed up in the head for WW meetings. Both times I spoke tonight, the leader looked at me like she did not know what to say.
The first time, I talked about after the two weeks I had, I was having a really hard time making the negative talk go away. I said that I was going to leave to cry and beat myself up. She said, “Would tracking make you feel better?” No, probably not. I said that the thoughts were just overwhelming. That this was just the cherry on top of a great two weeks. That it is not just that “I suck because I ate this….” that I was thinking utter self-hatred thoughts.
The second time, it was about accepting compliments when you lose weight and I raised my hand to talk about when I lose wright, people would tell me, “You look like a new person!” or “You are a new person!” I was a little insulted because I am still the same Jennifer, just smaller. I like the same thing and have a similar personality. Was my overweight self so bad that I am now a new person? It just totally bothered me deep inside. She had a hard time understanding me.
I really miss the binge eating support groups that I went to. I could say things like I am having a lot of really bad thoughts about myself and not feel so out of place. I know a lot of this is in my head and yes, a WW is not a place to bear my soul. I can not be actively trying to lose weight and go to those binge eating meetings.
One person in my meeting talked about that “religion of Overeaters Anonymous” and snickered. If my therapist had not thought that OA would be too harsh for me, I would be doing both OA and WW. Nothing to snicker about.
I wish there was something more like a support group I could attend while going to WW. I will have to research it. I need more then the WW meeting.
One thing is that I have to eat more. I find that I only eat 12-15 points by dinner time. I get 43 points in a day. I try to eat when I am hungry and I have not been hungry. I definitely need to eat more for breakfast (today I only had a Chobani Blood Orange 0% Greek yogurt (which is wicked good) but not enough for breakfast! For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly whole wheat English muffin with an orange. Barely, 13 points. I was not hungry! It is more common than not.
I need help.