Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Messed Up

I should not have looked tonight.

After the last two weeks, I was not mentally there to look but I did anyways. I gained 1.4 at weigh in.

After the funeral and the stomach bug on Sunday, I was not just mentally ready for it. I accept it and it is only 1.4 pounds but not what I needed.

Since the meeting topic this week was negative talk. I thought the meeting would be right up my alley, given my issues but I am beginning to think that I am just too fucked messed up in the head for WW meetings. Both times I spoke tonight, the leader looked at me like she did not know what to say.

The first time, I talked about after the two weeks I had, I was having a really hard time making the negative talk go away. I said that I was going to leave to cry and beat myself up. She said, “Would tracking make you feel better?” No, probably not. I said that the thoughts were just overwhelming. That this was just the cherry on top of a great two weeks.  That it is not just that “I suck because I ate this….” that I was thinking utter self-hatred thoughts.

The second time,  it was about accepting compliments when you lose weight and I raised my hand to talk about when I lose wright, people would tell me, “You look like a new person!” or “You are a new person!” I was a little insulted because I am still the same Jennifer, just smaller. I like the same thing and have a similar personality. Was my overweight self so bad that I am now a new person? It just totally bothered me deep inside. She had a hard time understanding me.

I really miss the binge eating support groups that I went to. I could say things like I am having a lot of really bad thoughts about myself and not feel so out of place. I know a lot of this is in my head and yes, a WW is not a place to bear my soul. I can not be actively trying to lose weight and go to those binge eating meetings.

One person in my meeting talked about that “religion of Overeaters Anonymous” and snickered. If my therapist had not thought that OA would be too harsh for me, I would be doing both OA and WW. Nothing to snicker about.

I wish there was something more like a support group I could attend while going to WW. I will have to research it. I need more then the WW meeting.

One thing is that I have to eat more. I find that I only eat 12-15 points by dinner time. I get 43 points in a day. I try to eat when I am hungry and I have not been hungry. I definitely need to eat more for breakfast (today I only had a Chobani Blood Orange 0% Greek yogurt (which is wicked good) but not enough for breakfast! For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly whole wheat English muffin with an orange. Barely, 13 points. I was not hungry! It is more common than not.

I need help.

 

4 comments:

  1. When people say "Its a new you", do not take it badly. Cos I believe we are all better people but we need stimulants to work our better self. So losing weight might have given you confidence and thats what seemed like a different you, to others. When I look good, and notice people noticing, I have a spring in my feet. I exhibit a better personality. And am sure losing weight can bring about that radical change in you too.

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  2. It sounds as if you need some time for you. To pamper yourself/not worry about counting numbers or trying to please the scale. Those groups can be very hit or miss and you don't sound as if you are in the right place emotionally to really feel the benefit from them.

    Cut yourself some slack, funerals are hard to make peace with right away, and you need to look after you.

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  3. You're not alone. WW points per day seemed like too much for me to eat most of the time. I was (and still am) like you. Barely a breakfast, lunch was passable as a 'proper' meal and by the time supper came around I would have to eat so much food to use up points I would end up eating the 'bad' foods like chocolate, etc just to make up the points difference.

    Those comments "you look like a new person, etc" were ones I still cannot deal with today. (I've regained all of the weight I lost two years ago) I don't take compliments well at all. So I finally put it in my mind that the people making those comments are people that just don't truly appreciate or KNOW the REAL me and it helped.

    Also remember that the 1.4 weight can be all 'water-weight' from the major stressors you've been through the last couple of weeks. A Funeral is a HUGE thing, let alone a funeral for your immediate family.

    Personally I think you are doing quite well given what you've had going on, and I am only privy to the what you post about so I'm sure that is has been worse than you've let on.

    Only 1.4lbs is an accomplishment, it means you didn't binge more than a "normal" person, it means you have control over your eating and it means that you are WINNING this battle.

    So pick yourself up and look at the positive of it :)

    You are a stong, beautiful and awesome woman.

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  4. I didn't feel comfortable speaking out at WW meetings either. I guess it's such a mix of people with so many different reasons for being there, it's hard to be much more than superficial.

    Please don't be hard on yourself. You have been through a very rough time. I agree with Renee above--1.4 bounds is not a lot, especially considering the major stressors you've been dealing with and are dealing with.

    If you are interested in a support group, do you think your therapist could recommend one? Also, some large medical centers have their own groups that you could check out.

    Weight and identity are so mixed up in our society. We say things like "You look like a different person" without thinking about what we're really saying. You know who you are, and your real friends know who you are, and that's all that really matters.

    Take care!!

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