Monday, February 20, 2012

Unworthy Thoughts

There is something about trying to lose weight and be healthy that brings it out in me.

The bad negative thoughts.

The you are so unworthy, ugly, unlovable, so everything bad thoughts. This is so not where I want to go. I sometimes miss the Binge Eating Disorder group that I went to. It helped to actually talk with people who understood but I could not be losing weight while attending those meetings. It is not permitted. They want your mind healthy without triggering behaviors and guess what is a triggering behavior. I thought I was better or at least, spacing the thoughts out further and further each incident.

Sometimes, I wonder what makes those thoughts come up. And no, it will not go away if I lose weight. If I don’t nip it in the bud now, it will just get worse and I will end up in a relapse of where I was before. I haven’t been looking at my numbers nor have I been thinking of the number much, so that can’t be it.

I am trying to rearrange my thoughts. Instead of:

You are so unworthy and unlovable. No one will ever want you.

I am trying to think:

I am worthy and there are people who love and depend on me.

It is hard. I hate this CBT turning negative into positive behavior and I cringe on thinking positive stuff but I am hoping that it gets better with time. I am not one for complements.

We were talking at work about how I am not a huggy feely person. (Yes, I know.) I don’t like to be touched. Period especially by people I don’t know. I have days where I want no one touching me. Maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a kid, I don’t know.

I think it is all related.

And in a little by note, I can not listen to Morrissey anymore. He makes me want to jump off a bridge when I listen. It includes The Smiths. It is just a realization that it is time, I cut him off.

2 comments:

  1. Morrissey wants you to be happy:)

    The thing about positive thinking and behaviour is that it's practice. When you do it wrong, you just have to keep practising. Even if it's something that never happens intrinsicly, it's can be made to happen.

    Just keep on swimming for now. You are going in the right directions for sure.

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  2. I really identify with this post. I've got the same issues with food, weight, body image and self esteem....

    .... and CBT (turning - to +) can wear me out just as much as the negative thoughts.


    Hang in there,
    Elizabeth-

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