Support Wednesday: One Step

I did not make my support group tonight because I did not get out of my first appointment with a psychologist for weight loss surgery until it was too late. I was a little worried about the whole psychologist appointment because I always think I am a bit messed up.

I was supposed to meet with one doctor but met with another today and that was fine. I settled right in and answered all the questions truthfully. I may have spooked him a bit when I told him I did not want to see the number on the scale but I saw it anyway. *SIGH*

He asked why I was overweight, how, when, where of my being overweight. I went on about how I was harassed, Mom was not doing well, and well, food was there and even though I have been up and down and up and down like a roller coaster, I am ready. I want to be healthy. I do not want to be in Dad’s shoes at 62 and I am heading there.

I did a lot of talking. Once you get me started on a subject I care about, watch out. Supposedly everything I said about being invisible is common but he said I am going have to work on the attention thing. I am. I am working on it. That was a huge part of my failure in my previous attempts. It is kind of upside that I would be considered invisible at my weight now that I think about it, right?

He listened and asked questions. He explained the options and as of now, I am looking at either the sleeve or the bypass surgery.

I am totally ready. It is a tool like a ladder but you still have to climb up.

I am thinking about adding a guest post or two now and then to spice things up. Would you be interested in guest posting? If so, let me know!

The Crouton Does Not Lie

I have a little confession to make. It is not bad or anything, just a little bit of weirdness.

I look at pictures of food on blogs, television, in restaurants, anywhere and some of the pictures look weird. It doesn’t look like food should look. It is hard to describe. A just looks weird, unappetizing, not good, strange. This is new. I don’t know how to describe it. Even my finagled dinner tonight looked a little strange. I ate it though.

I see a picture of a salad with croutons and the croutons look strange and I am like, “That is a crouton?” It totally turns me off.

I used to look at pictures and it made me hungry. Is this progress? Or a step back? Neither?

Tomorrow is my first appointment in the process of weight loss surgery. I meet with a psychiatrist. I had said to my therapist that I was sort of afraid of not passing that test and she told me not to worry. I will let you know how it goes.

I talked to my health insurance company, Big Giant Health Insurance Conglomerate (BGHIC for short), was less than helpful in finding out my coverage. It covers “weight loss surgery” but did not specify what type. I may have to talk with someone in human resources to get more coverage information.  I hope BGHIC is not a problem.

A Good Daughter

I survived Irene! It was wicked windy. I was lonely. I read. That sums it up. How to Train Your Dragon gets two thumbs up from me (but I watched it Saturday night).

Dad lost power at noon on Sunday and didn’t get it back on until 6 pm tonight. I was a little bit concerned because he can not sleep without his C-Pap. He called the cops to see what he could do and they told him to go to the hospital. Grrr. Today he called the Mayor’s office of Weymouth and told them about it. There was a shelter he could of gone to at Weymouth High School. I had offered to get him but he didn’t think the power would be out so long.

I was a bit worried about the nursing home not having power. I thought they would have generators. Mom is fed now via a feeding tube and the machine runs on electricity. I think it has battery power but she is like constantly feeding. Once her breakfast feed is done, she gets her lunch one, then it is time for dinner. Would the batteries last that long of a feeding day? Questions….

I saw Mom on Saturday. It is so hard to sit with her for a half an hour. She won’t look at me. She doesn’t talk. She doesn’t seem to respond to when I hold her hand. I want my Mother back, not this zombie that she has become. I often wonder what is the point of keeping her on the cholesterol or heart medicines? Her brain is dying. Never mind that she is on anti-psychotics. She is not going to get up anymore. It is so hard. I feel guilty because I can’t stay any longer. My therapist suggested maybe I read to her. I don’t know what else to do. I will be a bad daughter if I don’t visit. It is just so hard. I leave crying most of the time.

My parents are 85% of my worries. I worry a lot about them.

5 Things: Storm is Coming

Irene is paying Massachusetts a visit. I will not be one of those crazies at Nantasket beach watching the waves at high tide. Nope. This is how I will be riding out the storm that Irene may or may not be:

1. Harpoon Pumpkin UFO – At least I will not be driving. I know it is not even Labor Day yet but I love pumpkin beer and this one is especially good.

2. Knights in White Castles – I am halfway through the 3rd Game of Thrones book, A Storm of Swords and have book 4, A Feast for Crows, waiting in its wings.

3. Napping – Why not? That is what stormy Sundays are for.

4. Training Dragons -  The Netflix movie that arrived this week is How to Train Your Dragon.

5. Listening to the Wind – Boston is a windy city without tropical systems and some times during a storm, I just sit in the silence and listen to the wind.

Even if Irene is a dud, which it could be, it will be rainy and a napping type of day anyways.

If you are in Irene’s path, I hope that you and your loved ones are safe.

Hurricane Memories

20 years ago, I packed all of belongings in my father’s Caravan and waited for Hurricane Bob to pass by so we could drive to Illinois to begin my new life at Bradley University the next day. I was afraid a tree would fall on the car and all my things would be gone but luckily, the old oaks in the back yard were still there.

Things have changed a lot since then!

Still, that was such an exciting time in my life. I was 17 and going to be 1500 miles away from home for the first time. No problems. Away from my bedroom. No one would know me. I was unusual. I had a funny accent.

I smile when I think about it.

There is something good about that.

I live less than a half mile away from the beach and I am prepared (or as much as I can be) for the visitor, Irene. I will blog tomorrow though.

Support Wednesday:

I am a day late and a dollar short again because I met up with a good friend that I had not seen in far too long last night after group.By the time I got home, the last thing I wanted was to get on the computer. 


Last night, it was all about relationships. This ED stuff is interconnected with how I view myself and interact with other people. I am kind of apathetic about getting in a relationship right now. Part of me is desperately lonely but part of me is well, noT wanting any part of it. This separating myself from men and using food as protection is hardly protecting. 


I look at other couples and wonder what they have and I don't. I may be overweight but honestly, in my heart of hearts, I don't think I am that ugly whatever my brain might be telling me. I am smart, somewhat funny, a little bit nerdy, red headed, have some good assets, and well, I am a good person. 


Then that other part of me, like the ED, comes and says, "Hold on there." You are unworthy. They are just going to tire of you and dump you, why bother? Save yourself the heartache. Those destructive behaviors will help you. No one will touch or hurt you because they won't see you if you are 300 lbs. GAH! Not good. 


We also talked about the fine line between normal dating behavior and abnormal behavior. When you first meet or start to date someone and you text or call them, and they do not get back to you immediately, do you get a little OCD with checking your phone? 


Well, we thought that was normal behavior. When it consumes you, then it gets on the abnormal side unless you are dating for 1 and half years and he never returns your call, then you can call your "friends" to check up on him. (Kidding! sort of).


How do you deal with these type of thoughts in a relationship or if they are holding you back from one? 

No Shaking Going On

Did you hear? I guess there was an earthquake in Virginia and you could feel it here in Boston. Unfortunately, we did not feel it at work. It just enhanced our conversation a bit for a while.

I am off tomorrow to take Dad to a cardiology appointment. Something has not been right with him but when I talked to him tonight, he sounded normal and alive. Over the past week or so, he has not sounded like himself. He sounded frail and sick. I hope tomorrow appointment accomplishes something. I have to go see Mom tomorrow as well sometime and get my car’s oil changed. It is going to be busy day for sure.

I have had a headache again today. I think it was brought on by my dental cleaning this morning. It just has been wearing away at me all day. So between having abdomen pains and feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach and a headache, I am tired. I am going to have some ice cream and read after this.

If you have a minute, if you could fill out this quiz on what you would like to see on my blog, I would appreciate it. I am working with WEGO Health to improve things.

Help Improve My Blog & Share Your Thoughts!

I wanted to share this new project I’m working on with WEGO Health to learn more about my blog and about all of you who read it!


First some background: For those of you who aren’t familiar with WEGO Health, they’re a different kind of social media company focused on helping Health Activists – folks like me who use the internet and social media to connect with others around health topics. WEGO Health’s mission is to empower Health Activists to help others, and they offer Health Activists the chance to get involved with video through WEGOHealth.tv, to learn and connect through webinars and chats, and to gain a voice in the healthcare industry through insight panels and the Health Activist Speakers Bureau.


Now WEGO Health is launching the Reader Insight Program – helping Health Bloggers like me to gather feedback from their readers, while telling you a bit about yourself. At the same time, WEGO Health has a chance to see if any of you are Health Activists eligible for their programs. I know many of you out there are as dedicated sharing health info and I have a feeling you’re Health Activists too!


I agreed to try the Reader Insight Program because I’m excited to learn more about why you visit my blog and how I can make it even more valuable for you. I hope you’ll take a moment to share your thoughts with me by taking WEGO Health’s Quick Quiz. By taking the quiz, you’ll help me learn what you need – and you’ll also receive customized social media tips for yourself!


A few things to know about the program:


- WEGO Health will gather your quiz responses and feedback for 2 weeks starting today. After the 2 weeks are up, they’ll create a Reader Insight Report for me (then I’ll share it with you!)


- Your responses will be shared with me anonymously – please be candid!


- Your information will not be shared or sold by WEGO Health


Thank you for helping me make my blog even more engaging! I can’t wait to see you what you think!

The Sunday Blahs

I hate Sunday nights. Not really because of the prospect of Monday, that is bad, but just because on most Sundays I am alone and lately, I have trouble handling that. I managed to restrain myself from binging today but I just felt low.

I did talk to my father who was worried he was having another stroke. He felt fine a little while later and did not go to the hospital and his back pain got a bit better too. He had just woken from a nap and felt weird. That was on my mind a lot.

I don’t know. I just felt blah. Thoughts of worthlessness, how I look, what I have let myself become and how I am nothing all swirled in my head. I have the Sunday blahs. I am plagued with them.

This seems to happen every Sunday. I coped by:

• Taking a shower. I can’t tell you have better it made me feel. I was tempted to stay in my pajamas all day. No one would see me. Why bother?
• Reading. I am on Book 3 of the Game of Thrones series. It makes me wonder what my forbearers did in the middle ages. My Dad’s genealogical DNA tests have given me a little bit of an idea. They were walking across Europe.
• Not sleeping. I usually nap and I could spend hours sleeping. Sometimes I think I could willingly sleep my life away.

How was your day?

5 Things: Google thinks I belong under….

How did you find my blog? Maybe you found it by searching for these 5 things:

1. Glenn Madeiros – I get so many hits based on the post about my 8th grade yearbook and the mystery around it. I am probably not what they bargained for .

2. Crazy Jen/lonely+Jen– Hmmm. I am not sure how I feel about these two.

3. A lot of Freckles – Yes! I have a lot of freckles. You have a problem with that?

4. Do I deserve happiness? – I have had several posts about this but it makes me sad that people are looking on Google or another search engine looking to know that they deserve happiness. Yes you do!

5. hbnhgg – Really? They will now.

By far most of my finds are for people looking for me or the blog name. I will admit I like looking at stats and stuff. It not the amount of readers or anything but I love looking where the URLs are from on the world map and the keyword searches as well as looking at the recent visitors. Do you look at your stats?

Friday Evening Ramblings

Just a typical Friday night here in Casa Boots. Ghost programs galore. I am not sure why I am attracted to these shows but I am. I think I believe in ghosts though I never really encountered one. I do believe there are evil things that should not be messed with. Do you believe in ghosts?

I have always been a black and white kind of gal. It is good or bad. Fat or thin. All or nothing. I have been thinking about how things aren’t always black or white. In fact, most of the time, it is a fine shade of gray or even rainbow colored. I am just starting to change my thinking and it feels good. I have to cut myself some slack. I am dealing with a lot. My mother is dying. My father is not doing well. I haven’t been taking care of myself.

My weekend is going to be relatively quiet. Dad has been asking me to visit for days so I will certainly go there at some point and go food shopping. I really need to replenish the food stock in my apartment. If Sunday is nice, I may go roam around SOWA Market. I don’t know yet. Got any big ghost free plans?

Support Wednesday: Sponge? Sieve?

After 2 weeks off, I went to the support group tonight. It felt good. The group was smaller than usual. It is the time of summer that everyone is away I guess.

One of the topics discussed, is do you talk about binging, depression or whatever, with other people and is it triggering for you? For me, sometimes going on about depression with other people brings out the sadness but at other times, it is good to talk to someone who understands. I won’t feel so broken.

The subject came up with how do you talk to the friend and tell her that the conversations are triggering for you without losing the friendship or should she just give up on the friendship. I have more often than not been the friend that people dump for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I would have rather have had a conversation with the “friend”  then to be poofed. It has been a running theme in a few relationships of different kinds.  The what-ifs ruminate in my mind until I just blame myself. I am somehow bad. I am always the bad one in my mind. They don’t like me, I am somehow a freak. I don’t know. There are people I don’t get along with and people I do. It is a fact of life but it would have been better if they had at least said good bye.

I need to be more like a sieve and less like a sponge. I suck everything in, ruminate endlessly and it comes to a point where I just break down crying or eating every little thing in sight then it starts all over again.

I had said that I need a suit of armor over me. I let things bother me so much. Rejection, common interactions, anything. If it just bounced off me or went right through me I would be a lot better.

Are you are sponge or a sieve? Have you gone from sponge to sieve successfully?

Winner!

I am a day late with this. I got home later then normal and the computer was not beckoning me last night.

Jodi wrote:

“Hey Jen,
So glad you had a good time in San Diego and am really glad your dad is ok. I'm glad it wasn't something really serious and you didn't have to rush back. I can't imagine if I lost my phone right after that. I can only imagine how awful that was for you.
Anyway, I would like the phone for my mom. She doesn't have a phone and it drives me nuts not to be able to get in touch with her. I have AT&T service so with this phone I'd add a line to my plan for her. :)”

 

You were number 2 Jodi. Get in touch with me to get the phone

Rejection

Maybe it was the weather or maybe a case of the Mondays. All I know was that my self esteem was in the toilet. I felt not good enough.

I was rejected by a blogging site because my blog would not appeal to parents. I don’t know about you, but just because you are a parents does not mean you do not suffer the same sort of feelings as I do. Mental illness effects all people in society. Rich, poor, fat, skinny, Moms, Dads, children, etc. I can certainly attest to my Mom’s problems with PPD and some sort of schizoaffective disorder. Just goes to show that most people do not understand.

I have a hard time dealing with rejection of any kind. It gives me an excuse to beat myself up. That is what happened today.

Part of me uses this excuse not to date. I don’t want to be rejected. I am ready to step out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone would keep me in bed all day. Not a way to live my life.

I had wanted to go for a walk after work tonight but it is pouring out and rather chilly. Oh summer in Boston, please come back.  Walking makes me feel better but to get to feeling better, I have to sort through my mind, which I really needed today.

I caved and got HBO to watch Game of Thrones. I totally have an addictive personality. Totally.

Lazy Sunday

I totally overslept this morning. Not that I had a time to be up  but 1 pm was not that time. I was up reading late and that is what I get, I suppose.

Last night, I was thinking of making some cosmetic changes to the blog. What? I don’t know.

I had also thought about taking some sort of web design class at a local community college or some place like it. I would love to get some new skills but don’t want to bankrupt myself. If you are near Boston, do you know of someplace to take a class or should I just buy some kind of book?

I am feeling kind of just there today. Not happy. Not sad. Just there. Sort of a 5 out of a 10. I went to Stop & Shop and bought some stuff until I can get food shopping. I have been watching TV and the shows range from documentaries on polygamist Mormons, Amish and former Amish and email order brides between Americans and Russians. It makes me want to be a crazy cat lady, it seems the better choice.

I have said this before. I think I am ready to delve back into online dating. I am not sure if I should use Match again, OK Cupid or jump onto EHarmony. Decisions, decisions.

How was your weekend?

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway for a 4G AT&T smart phone. It ends Tuesday.

5 Things: Positive Thinking

There are days I wish I was different. I went to see Mom and I have been in a funk ever since.  So today, I am going to try to focus on the positive for my 5 Things and not ruminate over things over and over like I have been trending towards.

1. Lemonade – I could drink buckets of it. All the time.

2. Zoo Borns – Have you ever been by Zoo Borns?No? GO!

3. Time With Friends – I don’t see them as much as I should. I feel so much better when I do. Plus, there is always room for more friends.

4. Reading – I currently wholly enthralled with the Games of Throne series. Oh my. I must see the HBO series. I am currently on Book 2 – Clash of Kings. Have you read it?

5. Road trips – I may have to plan something. Anything. I like having things to look forward too and well, there is nothing on the horizon. Any suggestions?

Jen takes on the San Diego Zoo!

Lions, tigers and huge elephants, oh my!

I love the zoo. If you had any doubts after my ramblings about my animal show obsessions, you know now. I had a great time.

The meerkats were keeping a watch for me.

It was a perfect sunny day for lounging around. The spotted hyenas thought so too.

 

There was lots of panda butt to go around.

There were pygmy hippos with a monkey on their back. I wonder if they are buddies.

The big hippo was a little bit elusive but I got a picture. He is looking at me. Don’t you see? They are camera shy.

We happened to walk by during lion feeding time. I was so close to this big guy.

And girl.

Monkeys were everywhere.

The koalas were shy.

Of course, there were live elephants. This particular elephant was definitely the man of the house.

Did you know what a takin is? Neither did I but I do now!

This particular bird was my closest animal encounter, in one of the aviaries. He or she was not concerned with me at all.

These California buzzards are huge!

This gorgeous peacock was not a zoo animal but was a zoo visitor like myself.

There was an awesome warthog Momma and her active little babies but they were so active that I did not get a picture. Here is a mean looking warthog if I say so myself.

More lounging hyenas.

It is hard to tell but this is a black panther. A black panther!

This is me after my long day at the zoo. All that excitement had me tuckered out.

I should go to the zoo more often, don’t you think?

Thank you Cherie and Mike for going with me!

5 Blogher 11 Observations and a Giveaway!

Blogher has come and gone. I am mostly settled though hardly unpacked. I have yet to go through the Vera Bradley bag stuffed with swag. This year was different then last year in a good way. Next year it will be a lot cheaper since it is in New York and the transportation options are better.

I learned a few things.

1. San Diego is gorgeous. The weather was awesome. Except for the mornings, the sky was blue the entire time.

2. You can create landmarks with Twizzlers.

3. It was a lot of fun catching up with old friends and making new ones.

Laura was a friend I made last year at Blogher. I was very happy to see her again.

4. My blogging puts me out there. Yes, it does. I write about a lot on here and it is not for everyone. I attended Change Yourself: Perfect Imperfections: Blogging Your Way to Self- Acceptance. I have said before that maybe it will bite me in the butt someday but you know what, I don’t care. Let it.

5. I need downtime. During the hustle and bustle of conferences, I need to get away. The set up was more spread out then last year and it allowed the time I needed for myself.

I let things fester and ruminate and then it all comes out. My little phone issue was a sure sign of that. I had gotten a call at 6 am that Dad was in the hospital (serious back pain, he could not move, he is ok now) and then I lose my phone. My phone was my connection with the problems back in Boston. I ran around trying to find it only to not find it. I was crying my eyes out at the Hallmark Suite.

One of the representatives of Hallmark knew the representative of AT&T, and by magic, I was brought a new phone. Luckily I found my phone and got a new HTC Thunderbolt for participating in a focus group, so I do not need  this phone. My misfortune is your fortune.

The AT&T fairies brought me a Palm Pre Plus phone that had service for 30 days then could be activated on AT&T. According to the HP page on this Palm Pre Plus,  you can:

• Visit the Web sites and get the apps you want, plus the best 3D gaming^{1, 2}
• Integrate multiple sources of information in one place
• Gather your calendar information from Facebook, Google, and LinkedIn^{1, 2, 3}
• Automatically update contacts and calendars^{1, 2, 3}
• Listen to music, surf the Web, watch videos, text friends—all at the same time
• Switch between multiple activities and applications³ at the same time
• Navigate via multitouch gestures and the touch screen

It is charging. I forgot to turn it off after use. I barely used it, just to find out on Twitter that my phone was found by an honest awesome person.

Reminder, this is an AT&T phone and can be activated on AT&T.

All you have to do is leave a comment stating why you would like the phone. I will pick a random winner on Tuesday.

Good luck!

My exciting trip to the zoo tomorrow!

Back in Boston

I am back.

It has been a long week and I have missed blogging. A some point, I need to invest in a laptop so I can blog while abroad. Sometimes my mind was a mixed emotion and I missed getting the stuff out there.

My week consisted of a bit of a breakdown, meeting new and old friends, and enjoying the good San Diego weather.

My breakdown involved losing my phone, getting a temporary phone and then finding my phone and Dad going into the hospital yet again. The AT&T fairies gave me a temporary phone and now I am going to post a give away for the phone tomorrow.

Stay turned tomorrow for the giveaway and more Blogher ramblings.

San Diego, Here I Come!

I am off to San Diego bright and extremely early tomorrow morning for Blogher. I am going to try to post if I can find computers in the two hotels I am staying at. If not, you may not see me for a week.

San Diego, here I come!

San Diego Bound Soon

In case your were wondered about yesterday’s post connecting roadrunners, zombies and orange juice together. It just came to me in a moment of strangeness.

I have one working day left until I leave for San Diego at the butt crack of dawn, 6am, on Wednesday. After I type this, I am going to finish packing except for a few things I must get tomorrow i.e.- a toothbrush, contact lens fluid, etc. I am thinking I have a 90% chance of being frisked again at the airport. Nothing like being frisked by the TSA first thing in the morning. Anyone want to bet on whether or not, I set off the scanner with the super bra again?

I am excited about San Diego. In addition to the whole craziness of that Blogher thing, I am going to the zoo(where I have always wanted to go) with a friend that I don’t get to see often and I hope to do all these touristy things in San Diego, like going to Sea World or the USS Midway.

I am feeling pretty good today mood wise. Self image wise not so much. One day at a time in that regard. I got a call from the nurse at my doctor’s office telling me my sleep study came back negative, which I knew already, and how I should lose weight, etc. Ugh. I KNOW. I KNOW.

I downloaded LOSE IT! again on my phone to at least track my food. I need to follow some sort of plan to keep myself from wandering. I don’t want to pay for a tracking app. It is probably the easiest one for Android.

How are you?