Sunday, July 31, 2011

Cuckoo birds, zombies and OJ

The Sunday night blahs have taken over. Why does Sunday night inspire such dread? This week I am only working Monday and Tuesday, then I am off to San Diego for Blogher. That is a relief.

This weekend was quiet and what I needed. I learned a few useful facts this weekend:

1. Roadrunners are cuckoo birds and kill rattlesnakes.

2. After watching Doomsday Preppers on Nat Geo last night, I am convinced I would last 1 second with the zombie apocalypse and Boots will be a tasty snack for them.

3. Orange juice is mainly bland orange juice with artificial flavors except for a few months of the year.

All this makes me want to recruit a couple of roadrunners for my team and have then on the lookout for zombies while I hid under the bed crying over orange juice.

How was your weekend?

Saturday, July 30, 2011

5 Things: Summer Viewing

You know, I haven’t done one of these entertainment 5 Things in a while. Today, I features TV shows I am slightly addicted to.

1. The Haunting

This is on Planet Green (why I am not sure) and scares me silly when I sit at home alone on Friday nights. Of all the ghost, paranormal, haunting shows it is by far the best in my opinion. Maybe because if features people’s homes.

2. Hogs Gone Wild

I know, it is so foreign to me. Wild hogs that are not motorcycles?  I can’t look away.

 3. Swamp Wars

Since Python Hunters is on hiatus for now, this is the next best thing. The are Miami firemen that search for pythons much like the Python Hunters. I am fascinated, even though I hate snakes.

4. Locked Up Abroad

Another one that I am fascinated with. I am sure not to get in trouble overseas. I have seen enough bad prisons for a lifetime.

5. Shane Untamed

This is a NatGeo Wild show (you knew there would be one here). He is just a cool guy and it is a fun show. This face says it all.

Have any favorite shows lately?

Friday, July 29, 2011

WORTHY

I had an amazing thought today. I am worthy!

Yes I know. Crazy right?

Thoughts of how much I suck, am ugly and am totally unworthy have permeated my thoughts for a long time. Probably as long as I knew what unworthy was. It was a bit a of a shock to have this bright thought pop into my head.

My hard self work has worked apparently. This came out of nowhere to smack dab in the middle of my brain. I tweeted it out to the world.

WORTHY

It means so many things. I deserve to be treated well. I can think of all the ex-boyfriends that I rolled over for that I was afraid of making mad and broken up with only to be ditched eventually. Or some of the other exploits that I only got hurt in.

Of not treating myself horribly by doing destructive things.

I need this thought to stick around for a while.

In other news…

I decided at the spur of the moment at work to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows 2. I must say, I liked the 2 movies for this book a lot better then the book. It gets a thumbs up from me!

Neville certain grew up didn’t he?

Probably the nicest looking guy in the movie.

Did you see it yet?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Is It For Me?

I went tonight not really knowing what to expect. The room was crowded with people like me. I nervously fidgeted while I was waiting.

I listened while they explained the three type of surgeries they offer at the hospital – the gastric bypass, gastric sleeve and the lap band. The procedures and the possible side effects.

I was by far more interested in the lap band then gastric bypass. The meeting really cemented that idea. I don’t want to rearrange my organs, never have a tiny piece of cake or glass of wine again and it just plain scared me.

They had patients come up and talk about it but they were all gastric bypass patients that talked about how their life was so much better now etc. That’s great but I know from experience that magic of weight loss is not going to make my life awesome and fix all my problems.

They mentioned binge eating and how it is a big no-no and I asked if being in treatment for binge eating disorder was a disqualifier. It was not, though my support group might differ. They said how depression would get better, well now that I am treating why I felt worse when I was at my smallest, maybe that would be true.

I wish they had some lap band patients come up to talk. I would have liked to hear about their ups and downs. Have you had the lap band? What do you think?

For now, I lost the most weight and was the healthiest and happiest when I followed CORE on Weight Watchers. I am positive I have the old program books somewhere in my apartment. I am going to follow the CORE plan as much as I can. I am not going to step on the scale.

If I lose weight, great. If not, I really just want to be healthy. Inside and out. Is that too much to ask of myself?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Support Wednesday: Dear Little Jen

Dear Little Jen,

You were such a cute kid.

me and pop

 

kindergarten

There was nothing ugly or fat about you. You are a boisterous and outgoing kid that likes to be outdoors with your own mind. Follow that mind. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You are smart. A little leader.

Those skills will be challenged and put to the test. You will go through them with bump and bruises but you will be stronger. Mom loves you but the sickness keeps her cold. You may fight with Dad a lot but he was always happy you stood up and questioned authority.

It does get better. You were young, very young to be grown up at such a young age. Those hormone filled boys that made your life miserable were jerks. Talk to Dad about it. He does care.

You will go through life feeling doomed. There is light at the end of that tunnel. You are not a loner but an extrovert yearning to get out. Loneliness and food are not your friends. They do nothing sustain and hurt you.

300 pounds is not the way to hide your feelings. It doesn’t masquerade the real you. I know that box of cookies in the cabinet called to you when no one else did. Don’t listen. You are better than that. Keep writing and reading. It helped you in hard times and were an escape.

Weight does not describe you. That number you see is not important. Don’t let it control you.

You are loved and cared for,

The Older Jen

I felt the need to write this tonight. At the meeting we discussed it. We also discussed that when one of my core values is my unworthiness, it is hard to change. I felt very unworthy today. I called myself names and cried at my desk. Why, I don’t know.

I am going to a weight loss surgery information session tomorrow at a big Boston hospital. I am exploring it along with my therapy as an option.

Do you ever wish you could tell your younger self something?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Where I Am From

 

I saw this on Pursuit of Peace and wanted to link up. The template is here.

 

I am from books and momentary escapes. From worry and mystery.

I am from the secrets we keep. The truth that is hidden.

I am from the daisy in the front yard and the black eyed susan in the back yard.

I am from strength and stubbornness, from James and Rita. From Eleanor and James and Armando and Francesca.

I am from the highs and lows.

From emergency rooms, capture the flag, the tilt-a-whirl, secrets and blacked out Patriots games on the radio.

I am from the cross and 12 years of nuns.

I'm from Boston and Ireland, Scotland and Italy. From potatoes and pasta.

From the Andrea Doria sinking, the cardboard salesman in Boston, alcohol and the Battle of Monte Cassino.

I am from the burned clump of pennies. From the old picture album and pictures on the wall. From my father’s copies of marriage, death and birth records. 

Everything has made me stronger and what I am today.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I did it.

You remember this post?

I can cross another thing off. I am no longer a camping virgin.

facebook

I camped on Bumpkin Island with some new friends. After a thunderstorm and a missed ferry, I made it.

bumpkin

My camera never made it out of my duffel bag. The island didn’t have the same amount of cool ruins that a few other other islands have but there were hills aka bumpkins and I got a workout walking around. I am feeling it today.

I am also beat red and sunburned.

I slept on top of my sleeping bag and next time, it will be an air mattress of some time. 

My stomach is not feeling so well either. I think it should paid more attention to what I was eating. It is not made of steel.

More camping observations at some point tomorrow or the next day.

Do you like camping?

Friday, July 22, 2011

It’s Summer in Boston

I know, it is the obligatory car dashboard reading.

Poor Boots has been laying around like this all day. It is tough being furry when there isn’t air conditioning

I am handling it well. Preparing for camping tomorrow. I am hoping it will be cooler out in the harbor. It generally is. If it is hot, I probably won’t need a sleeping bag. I bought food and drink to bring and I am excited. Of all the harbor islands, I have never been to Bumpkin, I think. I have been to a few but might not have gotten the names right.

Someday, I would love to visit the Boston Light. I have lived in the Boston area for 95% of my life and have never been. There is lots I haven’t done. I don’t think I have walked the entire Freedom Trail at once, ever. Maybe I should pretend to be a tourist. Though tourists tell me I look like I am from Boston, whatever that means.

Do you do touristy things in your hometown?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Conundrum

weather

Yep, it is hot here!

Tomorrow is going to be one day I wish I had air conditioning. I am going to have to go to the movies after work or something.

I am going camping this weekend. I bought a warm weather sleeping bag, have a cooler with wheels and a lounge chair. I did not own a lounge chair. It is something I have needed for a while. I bought one because I never have one while tailgating, watching outdoor concerts, fireworks, hanging around. It is needed.

I didn’t go to my support group last night and I regret it. There was a social event I wanted to attend instead. Today I am feeling very down on myself.

I have to get my eating under control and not have the obsessive compulsive borderline very unhealthy practices of before. I have gained back every ounce that I have lost. I am having some health problems that I can mostly blame on my weight. There has to be a line that I can walk in between the two.

Have you ever gotten help for a binge eating and successfully lost weight while helping with the issues that caused the weight in the first place?

Anyone out there want a healthy living buddy?

I wish I knew what to do.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Big Day for News

I heard and read something today that gave me a huge sigh of relief. Like that secret I don’t talk about so much was out in the open.  I have mentioned it a little bit here. Here and Now on NPR did a piece on How A Parents Compulsive Hoarding Impacts Children. All I could say was how true it was. How it was isolating. No one ever came over. We never had anyone over. It contributed to my whole problem of locking myself away. It was never really like the television shows.

My mother was a hoarder. Perhaps she just slipped from one mental illness into dementia. I don’t know. She had some schizophrenic tendencies and depression. None of it diagnosed until the dementia diagnosis.

I was a little older when it started. Secret Sister and my brother were the ones that bore the brunt of it. They never had Mom somewhat normal. My brother is 10 years younger than me and Mom was never the same after he was born. I had formulated my plan of escape. I was going to go far far away to college. I started to research colleges early in high school. I was ready. I may have gotten away but it was with me.

We would clean up but it was no good. It would just go back to the way it was in 2 days. Things were in definite disarray. Ultimately what stopped it was the dementia and my parents moving out of their house into a small apartment.

To this day I am worried I will become one. I look at my messy apartment and say I MUST clean up.

Today was a big news day in the mental health world on whether anti-depressants actually work and how many Americans are on them. I am on 2. The generic versions of Prozac and Wellbutrin. Do they help me?

Prozac has helped with my ruminating, I think. Wellbutrin, honestly, am I sure, not really. Do your antidepressants actually work?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Damn You Sinuses!

I feel a cold coming on. Maybe that is why I felt so BLAH yesterday. I didn’t feel so bad today just my throat hurts and my head feels like it is going to explode.  It wouldn’t be this swing in temperatures, one day 95 then next 75,  that possibly is the culprit.

I am the type of person that gets all giddy at the thought of something I want to do. I am giddy about Blogher in a couple of weeks and I am giddy about something that crossed my email today.

The Binge Eating Disorder Association is having its 2012 Conference in Philadelphia in March 2012. I think I am going to go.  I just became a member. It makes sense. I write about my journey through treatment and there is an individual track. Plus, I have never been to Philadelphia. I am going to see about going.

I am going to go lay down because I am exhausted and some patchwork ice cream may help.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My Alone Mind

It is just me and Boots here. Some days I love it, today I hate it.

Loneliness permeates me today. I don’t know why. It is hot. I have killed yet another plant. Boots is hot and avoiding me.

Sometimes I think it would just be better if I had a roommate. Then I think of the time I lived with Secret Sister and I am happy to live alone.

I think I am ugly and nothing I do will change that.

When I am alone, my mind plays games with me. Why can’t my mind be like everyone else’s?

Will I ever be “cured”?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

5 Things: What I Have Been Up To

What has been up with me?

I have been busy.

1. 2 trips with Dad to MGH

The first was for an ultrasound of his kidney, where they think might be the cause of some of his issues. The second to see if he would qualify for the Watchman clinical trials.  The Watchman is a closure that goes over the left atrial appendage of your heart.  That is where clots from afibrillation, which Dad has,  usually originate from.

Unfortunately, you have to get on Coumadin before being in this trial and Dad does not respond well to Coumadin. It does not thin his blood properly, plus with his hemorrhage, it could kill him. He is not a good candidate for the trial but when it gets through the safety trials and the FDA approves it for use, then maybe it would be good for him.

2. Following the #Blogher11 Twitter tag

It could be a full time job.  Parties, events, meet-ups….Really, it feels like high school all over again.

Am I cool enough? Probably not.

If it wasn’t for this constant stalking, would I get any invites to anything? Only the Clever Girls Collective “I’m With the Brand” party since I am a member.

Does it make me feel left out? A little. I won’t lie. Will I let it effect me? Hell no.

I get into San Diego at 1:33 pm on Wednesday. I CAN’T WAIT.

3. Obsessing over Jump Rope by Blue October.

Check it out.

4. More Shopping

I love these jeans from Not Your Daughter’s Jeans on sale at Nordstrom.

004 

A little bling on the other pair I bought.

007

Two tops that were a great price.

006

 

005

I also went to Kohl's where I got this:

008

And Target where I got a black shirt with a little lace on it.

010

I should have photographed myself in the dressing room rather than on my bed in between Boots getting on the clothes and getting kicked off.

5. Worrying Over Mom

She has been put on Seroquel from Abilify. This medicine also has a dementia patients taking Seroquel warning. Fabulous. I am going to see her tomorrow.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Flavor Over Fizz!

I have a problem. A drinking problem.I don’t drink enough fluids. I can go the whole day at work drinking nothing but a morning coffee. That is not good.

I also don’t want to be throwing $1.79 out each time I want a small bottle of Coke Zero.  I get tired of drinking plain water unless it is hot and there is ice. That can be a bit of a problem.

What to do?

Luckily, Crystal Light and their Flavor over Fizz Challenge is here. I am going to replace my soda for Crystal Light.  I am going to take them up on that challenge to get more liquids and save $1.79 a bottle.

box

I am looking forward to trying the Green Tea Raspberry next!

The Metabolism+ Green Tea Peach Mango was refreshing on a hot Boston afternoon. It also fills my water bottle and is about 24 ounces of fluid, a good drink for me.

012

I have been trying to get in at lease 2 glasses of water at work but after that, I allow myself something. I really like the Lemonade as well.

010

If you want to accept the challenge and win great prizes, head on over to Crystal Light on Facebook and take the challenge yourself.

Disclosures:
1. “No monetary compensation was provided by Crystal Light or Glam Media for this post”
2. “The opinions expressed herein are those of the author and are not indicative of the opinions or positions of Crystal Light”

 

 

image

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Support Wednesdays: Ending the Blame Game

Do you blame your parents?

Say, “You did this to me!”

I can’t do that to my parents anymore. I did blame them. I blamed them for not getting me help when I locked myself in my room for 5 years after school. I blamed them for making me feel like I could not talk about the sexual harassment in elementary school. I blamed Mom for not caring about me. Then I stopped.

There comes a point in my life that I have to take responsibility and pull up my big girl britches and move on.

Now, my Dad is really into the blame game. Blaming himself for not seeing things. If only he had gotten Mom help. If only he had pushed harder. If only….

Well, the past is the past. There is nothing my father or I can do to change it. I have spent far too much of my life reviewing events in my head that I could do nothing about.

It is time to live for today, time to think about the future and put an end to the blame game.

Don’t you think so?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

When A 33 Year OId Acts 13…

Another day, another person is mad at me. It is getting to be commonplace. Am I still a teenager? Did I go back in time?

Secret Sister will not talk to me. This all happened at trivia last week. I asked her not to go on and on about Mom or Dad. I wanted a night free of depressing talk. She got mad. I then listened to how she thought she was stupid, dumb and sucky at trivia.

It went on all night. I told her she should be kinder to herself. She said I called her stupid. Ugh.

Really, she won’t return my calls. I saw her tonight when I went to get a sandwich for dinner and I went up to her and asked if she was ever going to talk to me again. She said, “You called me stupid.” I did not. She went back to eating and ignoring me.

I spend all this energy trying to keep my family together and I can’t do it anymore. Fine don’t talk to me ever again. I am tired of it.

Is she not 33 years old? She’s acting 13.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I miss taking the T.

Today, I took the T to work for the first time in weeks. Waking up late has had me in a panic and I tend to drive into work (yes, I get free downtown Boston parking) but I really missed taking the T. Why you ask?

  • Reading time was cut in half. My subway time was reading time. It relaxed me.
  • Yes, it relaxed me. It is probably my gruff Boston ways.
  • I can’t write about the absolutely crazy things I see on the T.
  • I can spend less in gas. I heard on the news that gas has gone up $0.06 and I would rather not spend it.
  • I can walk the 2 blocks to Quincy Center Station. I miss walking.

I haven’t been walking or working out lately. My calves were really tight when I was walking. I miss walking. I actually went for a walk to the farmer’s market today at lunch. The sun felt good.

I will wake up earlier to not drive in.

I think I might bring workout clothes to work and walk on the Esplanade after work before heading home.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

5 Things: Have a Better Blogher

When thinking of what to talk about, then finding out that I could not post it last night (GRR) and losing it, I decided to talk about what I felt last year at Blogher and what I am going to do differently this year.

1. Pack right.

Last year, I took Greyhound from Boston to New York and did not pack right at all. I ended up carrying 7 bags full of stuff on the bus then on the T home. This year, I do not want to do the same. I am flying and going across the country. I am going to pack two extra bags into the suitcase and get rid of in the exchange room everything else I do not want.

2. Everyone is nervous. 99% of the people there are there for the same reason you are.

Last year I was nervous talking to everyone. This year I am determined to be friendlier. I am just going to have a good time.

3. Get in the know early.

I was a bit jealous, ok more than a bit jealous, of people and all their party invites last year. How did they do it?

Now I know.  Maybe my blog does not get picked often to be invited to things (I should change that) but just following the #Blogher11 Twitter feed has been enlightening this year. Not only am I getting “know” people, there are party tweets. I have gotten into a few parties this year.

4. Look at the agenda and plan what you want to attend.

I have not spend a lot of time looking at the agenda yet but there are a couple of sessions I want to attend. I am going to attend : Changing Yourself Your Perfect Imperfections: Blogging Your Way to Self Acceptance. If you have read this blog for a little while, you would know that is a big issue with me.

I am also thinking of attending: Change the World Owning Your Beauty: If We Change the Conversation, Can We Change The Culture? and Change the World Malcolm Gladwell is Missing the Point: Revolutions are Happening Online and possibly one of the writing and/or photography workshops.

I will also spend time roaming the Expo Hall. It can all be overwhelming.

5. Have fun.

I am going to relax and have fun. You should too.

If you are going and want to meet up let me know. I’d love to meet you.

I am also staying in San Diego for a few extra days and getting in Wednesday. I may tweet or see if anyone wants to meet for dinner on Wednesday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Googlized

Guess what I joined today?

Capture

Yep, I am one of the cool kids. Not really but I am now on Google+. Are you?

It was a happy part of my day (yes, I am a nerd) because I cried on the way home from work when I was listening to a story on NPR about mothers and babies. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and my chances of ever having a kid or anything else. Then I snapped out of it exploring Google+.

Dad called last night to tell me that Mom somehow got over the railing and Mom was found on the floor again in her nursing home room.  She has these movements that I am not sure she can control. She crosses her legs all the time, back and forth and she is still chewing. I wonder if both are side effects of the Abilify. (Yes, Mom is one of those dementia patients on Abilify.) I am worried her tube might come out with actions like these. Dad went to see her and she was fine but still, it worries me.

Tomorrow I have an eye appointment then an appoint on the Skinny Cow Perfect Cup Tour here in Boston. I am a bit excited.

I am also getting excited about Blogher. I bought my plane ticket for more then I had planned but I arrive Wednesday afternoon at 1:30 and leave Tuesday evening at 10:30 pm. The red eye flight was a lot cheaper.

Fun times ahead!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Support Wednesdays: Back to the Future

If I could get out of bed at 5 am everyday, life would be easier. Dad had a ultrasound of his kidney today at 8 am and I was driving him. To get there in plenty of time, I picked him up a little after 6:30 and we got to the hospital at 7:30. Luckily we had extra because we were in the wrong building on the other side of the hospital but we had time to get over there and get a cup of coffee for myself. His ultrasound went ok and I drove him home to Weymouth only to drive back into Boston for work.
The meeting tonight was needed. I had a killer headache at work, probably from getting 5.5 hours of sleep and was hoping it would help. It did. Sometimes you just got to talk.
The talk tonight was focused on the future. I haven’t thought much about the future. I never dreamed of my wedding or babies or anything really. I always dwelled more on the past, on things I can’t change or do anything about. For awhile it was all I was ruminating about. Chewing  it over in my head over and over.
I most try to focus on the here and now and being mindful but I do think about the future and the wonder of it now. I am open to meeting new people and letting new experiences take over. That is something new. Maybe I am starting to panic a bit because at 37, I am just realizing this but it is never too late. Right?
We also talked about dealing with guilt trips from parents. My father is the king of guilt trips and for a bit, I was totally susceptible to them but then I started to dish it back. I was always one of push back, even as a kid. Dad told me he was proud of me for always questioning him.I am just as good at the guilt trips now Smile

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

3 Years!

Three years ago today, I decided to let it all out. I didn’t care if anyone read it. I was fairly convinced no one would want to read my ramblings anyways.  It was A New Day in my life.

How has this blog helped?

Well, it gets the crazy thoughts out of my head. It allows me to look back in time and see how I have progressed or regressed. It lets me know that to get better, it is going to be a fight.  I have been thinking the way I do for a long time and it is not going to change overnight. I am better then when I first started. I have my days good and bad.

The community I have found with this blog is great. I have connected with other mental health bloggers and other bloggers in general. I have met a lot of great women and men though blogging. I am looking forward to meeting new people at Blogher this year.

I have seen Wordle on other blogs and I thought I would check out my Wordle.

wordle

Most of the negative words are small. I like that.

Here’s to another 3 years.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

5 Things: Happy Birthday Boots!

As America celebrates its 235th birthday, Boots celebrates his 4th birthday. I thought I would spotlight Boots today. I got Boots when he was 3 months old.  He is my buddy, a support and while he is not a human, it is good to have him meet me at the door each day when I get home to my empty apartment and someone to direct my talking to.

1. Boots as a baby. He is in the middle.

n725297150_1201242_3289

2. He keeps my thigh warm on cold days.

Boots on thigh

3. He is sometimes caught in compromising positions.

224306_5897072150_725297150_235972_1013_n

4. He looks great in the Asymmetrical shots on my FX camera app on my Droid. With 2 Boots, life would be awesome.

boot x 2

5. He has great personality.

18531_299873007150_725297150_3545084_184454_n

My buddy.

225971_5897067150_725297150_235971_598_n

I am feeling sort of down tonight. I have been alone all day and that is a recipe for feeling lonely. I went to breakfast with Not So Secret Sister and other than that, I haven’t done much. I was feeling patient so I spend a good portion of the afternoon unraveling a skein of yarn that was mangled, until Boots took an interest.

I don’t have any plans for the 4th. I sort of wish someone I knew was having a cookout or another sort of party. I may just get out and explore. I don’t want another day of being alone.

Friday, July 1, 2011

8 Ways Jen Will Have a Good Summer

I choose my own fate and I am going to enjoy this summer if it kills me.  These are what I would like to accomplish this summer:

1. I want to meet the Adams family.  I live down the street from several historical homes of John Adams and John Quincy Adams. I have lived in the Quincy area for most of entire life and it is time.

2. Have a blast at Blogher in San Diego. I can not wait.

3. Along with going to Blogher, I am going to the San Diego Zoo! I am totally excited for my visit to the zoo.

4. Get rid of the clutter in my closets. This is just one of them.

14981233782_P3nLF

5. Make a trek out to Webs.

6. Try a new cuisine. Who wants to go get Senegalese with me?

7. Read 5 books. The Game of Thrones series is looking good to me.

8. Finish at least 2 of my unfinished and ever growing knitting projects.