Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Support Wednesday: Name Calling

The sleep study went well! As well as it could be. I fell asleep though woke up with a lot of leg pain and had a hard time falling back to sleep but I did. The tech has said that if I had apnea before 1 am, she would have put the mask on me. She did not. She said after 3 am, she would also put the mask on me if I needed it and well, it was not put on. Dad has been bugging me to get a sleep study for a long time and I can finally tell him that I do not have apnea. I do wonder if I have a disorder but I will find out in 2 weeks. Dad’s diagnosis and sleeping with the C-PAP saved his life. He was up to 90 apneas an hour! He would have had a coronary 15 years ago otherwise.

I have some Mom news. Before the cruise, we decided to get her into a hospice program. Hospice is not for people immediately dying. They would give her a hospice nurse, someone to sit with her and help her. She would still be at the nursing home. I went with my father to talk to the social worker about hospice and we gave it the go ahead. Do you have any experience with hospice in this situation? Did you find it helpful?

The social worker was shocked that we had said yes to the feeding tube. The doctor put so much pressure on us to say yes or now right then and there. The thought of Mom starving to death was horrible, so we said yes. She was chewing her food and not swallowing and not getting many nutrients. These things are really a huge trigger for me lately. Seeing Mom and seeing the feeding iv going whenever I am there. She is like constantly on the iv. She’s gained about 2 pounds since starting the tube. It is so hard to visit now. She just looks at you and I wonder what is going on in her mind.

It was good to talk about Mom tonight as well. It gets something that is hard out of me.

Tonight’s meeting went well. I talked about some of the things that happened this week and how I tend to start blaming myself. I totally blame the victim. I start this endless loop of insults that I would NEVER say to anyone else. Why would I inflict this on myself?

I have talked about this is my disordered mind thinking that it will protect me. If I just blame myself, I won’t have to feel anything.

I also mentioned that instead of binging, I barely ate this week. I found myself not eat dinner, then not eating breakfast and barely eating lunch. That is so not good either. Three meals Jennifer, 3 meals a day.

We had to talk about 2 positive things about ourselves. For me, I can come up with a list a mile long on my negatives but positives, not so much.  I said I am good at trivia, specifically history, geography and some sports. I enjoy it too. I don’t feel bad about losing when I play trivia because I like it. Anyone in Boston looking for a new trivia player? Smile

My second thing was the fact that if I put my mind to it, I can talk to anyone at anytime anywhere. I go to blogging conferences not knowing a soul and when I leave, I have new friends. I am so looking forward to Blogher, which is a few weeks away. I may talk about being introverted but somewhere deep inside me, an extravert lurks.  I like my extraverted self.

I can’t stress how helpful these meetings are to me. I know that sometimes I drivel on but really, it is a huge release to talk about these things.

This post was a bit long but the stuff just pours out of my head. Seriously.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

So Sensitive

I have been thinking about what I wrote yesterday.

Too many times external people have somehow wormed their way into my brain and control it.  Someone calls me fat or spills coffee on me – the day is ruined. Secret Sister and Dad fight – day is destroyed.  I know I am too sensitive. I know that it should bounce off of me but it does not.   I am going to have bring this up at my therapy appointment on Friday.  It worms its way into my brain and bring out “ F—king loser”, ugly, horrible thoughts.  It has been brought up in the ED support group how we all seem to be very sensitive and it is totally true.

I will have to bring it up at my meeting tomorrow.

I am trying to write a nice Want to Do List for Summer (inspired by Sarah). Sometimes I need direction.

Well, this is short tonight because I have to get going to my sleep study, more about that tomorrow.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Endless Loops

Sorry for the interruption in the Bahamas talk,my mind has has been on an endless loop of insults today.I am not going to let other people’s insults and issues affect me.Maybe I should just get the hint. Some people are just toxic, self centered and since I have enough issues on my mind, I don’t need more.

Work was ok. No major family problems.  I woke up late but how unusual is that? By the way, I have a sleep study tomorrow night. Maybe it will show what is up with my wacky sleeping issues lately.

My Friskyscope tonight is:

The world is exactly where you want it, and if you step off that plank and jump into the deep end, you will find it more than soothing and sensational. That’s right, it’s time to open your mind and expand your notions of how your life should be, as there is so much more out there for you to explore. If you want to experience it all, this is your time to make the first contact.

First, get toxic people out of my life once and for all. I have always craved acceptance and feared being alone but I would rather be alone then be with people who don’t like me.

My 3 year blogiversary is July 5th. I wonder how I should celebrate?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I’m Back

What a fun and emotionally tiring week. I am happy to be home. I just downloaded the pictures I took from the cruise to my computer and I realize how few of them I took. I didn’t take any pictures of me except one when I was sitting on a tour boat in Miami on my last day.

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And of sand between my green toes:

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I had a good time. I didn’t think of my parents and the mess in my life much until I got to Miami after the cruise and Dad called me 3 times. Secret Sister told me he talked about me a lot while I was gone.

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The boat, The Majesty of the Seas, while big to me, was a small cruise ship.

I was a bit obsessed with taking ocean pictures. I love this picture.

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Look at the color.

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I also had a few drinks.

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The margarita was good!

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I really liked the Hog’s Breath in Key West. Someday I will get back there.

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I am still in a bit of a haze from the trip. My mind is playing tricks with me and to be honest, I don’t feel good about myself at all. I feel like I need a bit of a cry. It was hard being “up” all week and I am feeling the down now. Towards the end of the trip, I was my insecure and reserved self. It is hard to describe that feeling of not fitting in. I know it is all in my head but I can’t stop it at the moment.

I will post more tomorrow. I didn’t take many pictures but I will post them anyways. I have discovered Picnik and who knows what I will do to the pictures.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

5 Things: Cruisin’

I will be missing for about a week because I will be cruising! Yep! I can not frigging wait!

I will see you again next weekend with LOTS and LOTS of pictures and stories.

My plan of attack next week:

1. Sleep

2. Relax

3. Colorful Drink

4. Colorful Drink

5. Colorful Drink

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Congratulations Bruins!

I am a tired Jennifer today. When a game as exciting as last night’s Bruin’s game, ends at 11, you just can’t go to bed right after. Or at least I can’t.

 

Boston used to be a hockey town. The Red Sox were not the number 1 team. I would be happy if the town turned again into a hockey town. I am a football gal with a space in my heart for hockey.

I have a slight school girl crush on Tim Thomas. It also feels good because a 37 year old rocked. Makes me not feel old, since I am 37 as well.

Next up, the Patriots if either stubborn side gets over themselves and the season starts.

Plus, the MBTA was a huge mess tonight. Ugh. It was a cattle car afternoon on my train.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Support Wednesdays: Bitter or Upbeat?

Today’s meeting wasn’t as emotional as past meetings. Maybe it is because of the hockey game tonight, that makes me nervous and anxiety ridden.  I don’t know.

I talked about my anxiety ridden physical and that God damn number. Others talks of their food plan. My food plan isn’t really a plan. I have 3 goals:

  • Eat 3 meals or 2 with snack on excessively sleepy days. I sometimes have a hard time eating 3.
  • Have fruits and/or vegetables with each meal. I have a hard time with that lately also.
  • Drink fluid. I often forget.

Not really a plan but daily goals I guess.

I talked a little bit about my cold Mom. If I had gotten treatment back then (and saved myself a lot of problems), I am not sure how she would have reacted. She was cold and slightly delusional saving “her” money to buy a diamond tennis bracelet while we did not have food to eat.  I can’t imagine it would have gone well.

The topic changed to music and upbeat songs like Lady Gaga’s music. People were yelling out upbeat, happy songs they listen to get going. What do I listen to get out of my down zone or off of the couch?

Not upbeat songs. The songs I listen to have progressively gotten bitter and sadder as I have gotten older. Maybe I just want to wallow in my misery but maybe Gaslight Anthem can be considered upbeat?  I don’t really know any of Lady Gaga’s music.

I suppose AC/DC could possibly be considered upbeat. Maybe Ray LaMontagne but really, he sings about Trouble, which is a great song. I love that commercial where the dog is trying to protect his bone.

Maybe I can resurrect some Depeche Mode or Erasure from college. At least the memories, while fuzzy from excessive drinking, are good. Or I could go way back to middle school and listen to the GoGo’s. I am going on the cruise next week!

Can a bitter, somewhat melancholy song be uplifting? Music in general, except for Morrissey, makes me happy. Morrissey makes me want to jump off of a cliff. I will have to explore happier music.

 

 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Clogged Memory

I did not dwell on the number for the most part today. I wore that awesome Michael Kors dress to work today and froze but I looked good. The weather here in Boston is cold and wet. Mother Nature, we are at the end of June. The temperature is 55 degrees. It is not acceptable.

The other day, when I was shopping, I saw a pair of Dr. Scholl’s clogs. The old 1970s kind that my Mom loved.

They are back in style. I am a firm believer that most things from the 1970s and 1980s probably should stay in the 1970s and 1980s. I remember slipping them on and having feet that almost fit in the shoes. I thought they were sort of uncomfortable. (I had big ugly shoe feet, in the 1980’s, kids with wide feet suffered ugly shoes.) I remember the click clock sound they made as Mom walked across the floor. It is a good memory of my Mom. I wonder if Dr. Scholl’s has made them better.

It is amazing how one little thing can bring a flood of memories. At least this one is a good memory.

I am working from home tomorrow because Dad has an appointment with a stroke specialist and I am going to take him. Thursday morning there is a meeting at the nursing home that Dad wanted me to go to with him.

The good news is Friday at 5:00, I will be one happy redhead.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Numbers and Confidence

Today was the day of the dreaded yearly physical to keep my health insurance for 2012.  I had a lot of anxiety about the appointment. I was afraid of the weight talk but I told her I was in treatment for binge eating disorder and the support groups that I attend. She seemed happy that I had taken that step.

She was concerned that I would stop going to the meetings after the cruise but really, they are such an integral part of my week that I really look forward to Wednesday nights.

I started the appointment by telling the nurse that I would be weighing in backwards and to not tell me the number. She was happy to oblige me. The doctor did not mention the number either. I thought I would get through the appointment without seeing that number.

I was wrong. I checked out. I am going to have a sleep study because of my difficulty waking up in the mornings. I also needed to make another appointment and get blood drawn. Well, the clerk printed out a number of pages for me to take and the top page of the the little packet was the number, my BMI and their lifestyle recommendations.

My heart sank. I could feel the tears coming and the horrible things I think about myself ruminating in my head. That number was horrible and I am almost back to where I was 10 years ago.  Maybe if I just not eat, it will all go away.

I came home and tweeted for a little bit. A NUMBER WILL NOT DEFINE ME OR CONTROL ME.  I kept saying that over and over in my head. I always say I will not let it bother me but in reality, it devastates me.

I went out to get the mail and on the porch was my tankini that I ordered from Land’s End. I decided to try it on immediately to make sure it fit. I also decided to display some swimsuit confidence. I was not part of Land’s End promotion and I was not recruited to show swimsuit confidence. I am going on a cruise next week and needed a swimsuit.

bathingsuit

I will not comment.

Here’s the top up close.

top

I am taking a big step posting these pictures here and the thoughts going through my mind are nothing but critical. I am going to wear the suit on the cruise. I will bring the sunscreen of course.

I bought another dress. I love this Michael Kors dress but the picture from my phone leaves a lot to be desired. I can wear it to work or out. I like dresses because they are the whole outfit. Easy on, easy off.

 

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I really liked this dress until I saw the side view and asked myself when the baby was due. I love the shirt hanging up. If it was on sale, I would have gotten it but at $69, I could not justify it.

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Sunday, June 12, 2011

5 Things: Jen Wants To Go….

I have been dreaming about travelling. I have always been a bit of an escape artist. Going far away to college, running off to a guy after college and the urge to go is back but this time I am chained to the post. I can travel tough and plot my escape when times are better.

Here are places I must get to soon:

1. Africa.

I have been reading books on Africa. I an currently reading Scribbling the Cat by Alexandra Fuller. I am obsessed with NatGeo Wild, National Geographic Channel, Animal Planet and their African animal show. I listen to news stories on NPR and want to go. Soon. I have to start to save my pennies.

2. Italy

Right before and after World War II, my mother’s parents came to America from Italy and a small town called San Donato val di Comino. I do not get along with my mother’s family but I want to see where it all began, badly.

 

3. Churchill, Manitoba

Yep, to see the polar bears. Another thing I found about through National Geographic.

4. Alaska

Ultimately, I want to see all 50 states. All of them but Alaska is calling me.

5. Nova Scotia

This another historical thing, sort of. When my Irish relatives first came to America, they first stopped in Nova Scotia but beyond that, I have seen the travel commercials here and just want to visit. It is close but I have never been.

I have been dress shopping again. I have become dress obsessed! More on that tomorrow.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Swimsuit Plunge

Here is the suit I bought from Land’s End.

The top:

with:

I like it!

I am going to go clothes shopping this weekend to get some summer stuff for my cruise. The summer stuff is lacking. I saw this gorgeous maxi dress at Macy’s a couple of weeks ago and I loved it on me. Unfortunately, I did not buy it then. I hope to see it still there!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Support Wednesdays: Hopeful

I think I woke on the right side of the bed this morning because today was different then yesterday. Maybe it was because I found out the line up for the Life is Good Festival where Ray LaMontagne and Randi Carlisle are playing again or that I wore that cool denim dress I bought at Dress Barn and really felt good. Maybe because tonight was my support group and I really needed it. I don’t know but I felt hopeful, not only for this summer, which will be awesome but just in general.

I am going to try to keep hope around for a while.

I mentioned the book I recently read, Food: The Good Girl’s Drug by Sunny Sea Gold. I told the group how much I like it and someone else chimed in. The book really help me examine history and my behaviors, to notice them with ways to combat the urges.  I have talked about my past here and it really brought that together with my current behaviors.

I loved that she told her own story about her struggle with binge eating disorder. I really liked the exercises at the end of each chapter. It really brought the topic of the chapter home to me. I totally give the book 2 thumbs up.

I also discussed my physical coming up. I have to have a physical before June 30th or I lose my health insurance at work for 2012. I am worried that the doctor will bring up gastric bypass or lap band surgery. I am sure she will. I am going to explain that I am in treatment for binge eating disorder and I don’t feel that is the appropriate way for me right now. 

I will also step on that scale backwards. I do not want dwell on that number while waiting the half hour in the exam room for the doctor. I really do a number on myself other wise and am practically in tears when the doctor comes in.

I also ordered a bathing suit from Land’s End tonight. I paid to have it shipped 2 day mail. I am going all out on the cruise in a week and a half.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hopelessness

Today was one of those “I am unworthy” days. I wasn’t feeling good and I just felt hopeless. That I will be single forever. I will be an old lady with cats. Not that cats are bad but I do not want to be on the Animal Hoarders show that seem to have a lot of older ladies with cats.

The hopeless feeling is something I can’t seem to lose. 

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The definition of hopeless per the Merriam –Webster Dictionary is:

a : having no expectation of good or success : despairing

b : not susceptible to remedy or cure

c : incapable of redemption or improvement

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a : giving no ground for hope : desperate

b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment :impossible

Having no expectation of good or success is what constantly haunts me. Failure. My life is a big failure as it is. I am not good enough to marry or date. I’ll never have kids. I can’t seem to break free from the constant family problems and what is good, will always turn bad. My mind doesn’t seem right.

Will that ever change? I hope so.

Tonight, what really spurred this on was driving past Quincy High School’s graduation. The graduates weren’t alive when I graduated from high school 20 years ago. I am old enough to be their mother. I feel like I am getting older and time is running out.

Like losing weight, getting married nor having kids will not solve my problems. Life did not magically get better when I lost weight. I am still the same person with the same mind. None of my goals will really make me happy. It has to come from within.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Musings

Well, it is one day closer to the weekend. I am such a weekend wisher. Come back weekends! Come back!

Last night, I had the worst migraine or sinus headache or whatever it was, in a long long time. I went to bed at 8:30. It was the only thing I could do. I was laying down and could not get up. The room was spinning. The area underneath my eyes throbbed.

This morning, I felt a lot better. I could not get out of bed on time but I felt better.  It was slightly better then a typical Monday morning.

Today is Secret Sister’s 33rd birthday. Me and Dad took her out to dinner. It was a nice little birthday dinner for her at the Abington Ale House, where if you live on the South Shore, you have surely gotten a birthday dinner there for free at some point.

I am typing this as I watch the Bruins game. Well, I guess the Canucks realize that perhaps a cheap shot was enough to wake up the Bear. I wish I was at the Garden tonight.  Better yet, if I could just find a football and hockey loving guy. I would not think it would be so hard.

A girl can dream….

Saturday, June 4, 2011

5 Things: Summer Loving

Summer may or may not have landed in Boston recently. The weather was hot last week but on the chilly side today. Thus is the wonderful weather in New England.

I am trying to embrace the positivity of summer. Winters are long and sometimes spring is non-existent so the short summer is really when I feel the best.  Todays 5 Things is brought to you by summer, the long lost cousin of seasons here in New England.

1. Frilly drinks.  Yep. Margaritas, sangria, daiquiris , mojitos or even plain old lemonade.

 from drunken monkey

2. Iced Coffee. Coffee is an absolute must for me. I am not one to drink iced coffee in midwinter like Dad and Secret Sister but in good weather it can’t be beat.

 from Mr. Ducke

3. Outdoor concerts. The Bank of America Pavilion in Boston is one of the best places to see a show during the summer. Ray LaMontagne last week was great.

4. Travel. I am doing some travelling this summer and that makes me excited.

I will be here in a few days. It is not Bora Bora but that is ok Smile .

5. Less clothes. I need to have a shirt, sweater, winter coat, etc. My laundry bill goes down since I am not washing all these clothes that I have to wear because I am cheap and don’t want to pay National Grid more then I already pay them. I just just wear a light top, skirt, and go. Simple. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Sleepless in Quincy

Today I was up against a wall of exhaustion. I went to see one of my favorite singers, Ray LaMontagne who also played with Brandi Carlisle. Both were really good. The show ran very late because of the crazy thunderstorms last night, it was delayed. Ray was still singing at 11 pm and I left before his encore. It took me about an hour and a half to get to my subway stop and walk home and before I knew it was 12:30. I am upset that I did not charge my camera battery because I had awesome seats and would have had good pictures.

Lack of sleep is a bad trigger of all of my demons. Today, I was hungrier, feeling down, hot, and generally slower at work. Sleep is one of my most important medicines and I can tell when I need more. I have to be more mindful rather then come home and attack some of the Keebler Deluxe Grahams, which made it 4 whole days in my cabinet. Needless to say they are gone now.

Moved on.

I am going to get my trivia mind on tonight, hopefully I can stay up for it. Between traveling and life, I haven’t played in 2 weeks. I love trivia. I used to play a current events quiz in elementary school and I loved it. My life will return to some form of normalcy then I go on a cruise in 2 weeks. I CAN NOT WAIT.

Anyone have any cruise tips? It is my first and I am going on Royal Caribbean. Something I should not forget to bring?

Speaking of travelling, I must get off of my bottom and get plane tickets to Denver and San Diego. I have been such a procrastinator lately.