Friday, April 29, 2011

Animal Crackers with my Draft

Today is Friday. I did not wake up before the sun rose to watch that wedding, which was good because I was up late the last two nights watching 1. the Bruins beating those God damn Canadiens and 2. the first round of the draft. I know where my priorities are. Based on this, how can I be single? I would watch the draft with you. Hell, most of the guys I dated weren’t even interested in the draft.

That was actually how I spent tonight. Wine, animal crackers (my dinner, Barnum, only the best) and the draft. Kind of the calm before the storm of May that will be upon me. I gave up Nat Geo Wild for the night, only to play with my animal crackers a bit. How can I pass up that opportunity?

I had a therapy appointment this morning. It went ok. I got to talk about Dad and how I feel a bit overwhelmed and down. She told me that one of the facilitators from the Wednesday group called her about me being down and needing more support. I was surprised and a little happy that she called. The group gets deep down in me and it brings out a lot of sad down feeling but I tend to leave there feeling uplifted.

Instead of going every other week, I am going to go see her next week as well. It is probably for the best. I feel better getting it out of my system.

Sunday, is the big Walk for Hunger. Tomorrow will be a quiet day.  I have to be up early to walk 20 miles so no wild partying for me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Support Wednesdays: Compassion

Self Compassion is something I am sorely lacking. I had a bad week and I turned to food. I had been beating myself up all day calling myself names. You know what though, I had a hard week. Dad was in the hospital yet again. Work was crazy. Mom is like a zombie. It gets emotionally tiring and I caved.

It happens. I am not superwoman. Nor do I really want to be.

There has been a little voice in my head telling me that I must lose weight because I am fat and I don’t want to get chastised by my doctors nor do I want health problems like my father has.

It is coincidence that a book I ordered from Amazon a while ago came in.

I will talk about it as I read it. It is something I need.

Happiness was also discussed tonight. I have been looking for “happiness” for most of my 37 years. I thought if I lost my weight, I would be happy. It did not work that way. If I go out with a guy, I will be happy. Ah, no.

Is happiness a destination or is it little bits of happiness rolled into a happy life?

Is it the feeling I get when Boots is purring and curling up near me and I just feel happy. That first sip of coffee in the morning makes me happy. Is is when someone smiles at me? Have I spent a lot of time looking for the place Happiness only to find that it is more like a street?

Another Wednesday, another mind a buzzing…..

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Peeps Attack!

Ever feel that peeps were secretly out to get you?

 Photo from keytaykat’s Flickr stream

They’re coming!

In all seriousness, in a moment of weakness, I bought these. At least they are gone now.

 

They were good.

My Dad, aka grump monster, was moved to rehab today. I got a call saying how he wasn’t following the rules in the hospital and if I had any influence to bring him to the rule abiding world. Ha! Most of the rules Dad did not want to follow were stuff he did not agree with and were created by one nurse in his weeklong stay. Dad will cooperate if needed. As if I have any influence over him, though he did say I was “in charge”. He wants to go home. He’ll cooperate.

I did not sign up for this parent minding job! Just kidding Dad.

Monique from My Social Anxiety Disorder posted a great post on 10 Reasons Not To Binge. I need to tattoo these on my arm or something. Perhaps, I should have read this post before I bought the Peepsters.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Cuteness Helps

My little battle with Verizon is over for now and I am on my home computer. No more trying to type on my little LG Ally, which is good but hard to blog from, or lugging my work laptop to Starbucks to blog from there. My next little purchase should be a laptop. Yep, a laptop. I am up on the times.

My Easter was quiet. I went to see Dad, who is still in the hospital and my Mom, who was her usual self.  I thought about going to mass but I am not sure what church, as there are several Catholic churches in the city I live in, and the times and I just didn’t go.

I actually did some knitting yesterday as well. I may have a finished object at some point soon, which is an accomplishment.

As usual, I watched lots of animal programs. Have you seen this commercial? I love it. It makes me smile, which has been lacking somewhat lately. Warning: it is seriously cute.

I also went to see Dad tonight. He was in a better mood and my sister was there at the same time. He will probably go to rehab tomorrow. He doesn’t really want to go to rehab and when we talked about it, he gave the look of “I’ll get back at you somehow”. I am not afraid of his idle looks. He’s not really scary anyhow. Just a bit of a pain Smile.

I have had a headache all day. I woke up late of course and work was crazy. Just a typical day lately…

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Handling It

I don't have 5 things to say today. Between shuffling between hospitals, Mom's nursing home and my empty apartment, I am not feeling too good. The nurses at Mom's nursing home asked me today how do I handle having a kids and a husband with both of my parents?

I just don't have them. I am a little weird inside when it comes to relationships, sort of like that Everclear song. I wouldn't want to burden someone anyways. I just better to be alone.

Mom face was bright today but she didn't look at me and she wasn't talking. I was with her for an hour after I went to see Dad, who was quite grumpy today, telling me I knew nothing and should shut up. Raining just made things sort of blend together when I left the hospital.

I am going to go home. Open a bottle of wine, cook dinner and just relax tonight. I don't have any plans. Easter tomorrow is going to be quiet. I was going to breakfast with Dad and since that is out, I am just going to ignore the Easter bunny and all the candy he brings.

If it stops raining, I may go for a walk. It helps me sort out my thoughts.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

GAH!

Where have I been?

Where to begin. I am locker in a heated battle with Verizon internet over my home internet so as today it is not working. My work computer won't bring Blogger up to write a post so I was reduced to downing Blogger-Droid to post.

Dad had a stroke last night. A fairly major one. He is in the CCU at a local hospital. I will go again tonight. I spent last night there.

I am a frazzled mess but I am taking a mental health day tomorrow!
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Monday, April 18, 2011

I am…

bright.

intelligent.

tired.

a daughter.

a big sister.

an aunt.

a pale freckled hazel (mostly green) eyed red head.

a lover of purring cats especially one named Boots.

caring.

overworked.

a knitter.

a reader.

a traveler coming to an area near you someday.

reserved yet once you get me talking, I may never shut up – yes it is true, nothing wrong with it.

a gal from a working class town south of Boston.

trying to drown out a lot of negative thoughts with positive ones.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

5 Things: Looking Ahead

I have had a binge filled weekend and I feel pretty terrible about myself. I am going to think of happy things that are coming up.

1. Walk for Hunger – On Sunday, May 1, I am doing the Walk for Hunger in Boston for the 6th time in a row. You may remember my walk from last year. This year I plan on doing the clean feet test. I am in worse shape this year so it is going to be slow but I will be walking the whole 20 miles if it takes all day.

2. Bloggy Boot Camp – Are you going to the bloggy boot camp in Boston on May 7th? If so, I will see you there. I decided to get a ticket since it is in my hometown and I am hoping to meet some new people. I am always sort of afraid I won’t fit but I am excited about going.

3. SheCon – Are you also going to SheCon? I am not sure what got into my head this summer but I am going down to this conference in May.  I won’t know anyone. If you are in the Ft. Lauderdale area and want to meet for dinner or something (and aren’t at the conference), I’d love to meet. The whole conference thing overwhelms me sometimes.

4. Ray LaMontagne – I love his music. He doesn’t look like your typical rock star but his songs sing to me. I am going to see him on June 1st in Boston.  I bought one ticket, like I did for Pete Yorn. Going alone does not really bother me.

5. The warm weather – The last few days in Boston have been cold and December like. I can’t wait for the warm weather to come and stay for a while. I went shopping today and bought a few new clothes including a summer dress to wear to work but I need warm weather for that. I am on the look out for good summer trip clothing. I will be using them a lot this summer.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Lion Sappiness

I have mentioned before that I am slightly addicted to Nat Geo WILD. I watch these shows about lions and I get so involved. I root for the lions. I cry when one of them dies. I cry when the zebra goes down. That was what I did tonight.

My little “lion” is running around my apartment like a mad kitty. I also like “Little Lion Man” by Mumford and Sons. See a connection?

I was supposed to go clean a trail at a local state park tomorrow morning but my car has been telling me it is getting low on brake fluid so I am going to get that done instead of cleaning. It is Patriots' Day, a state holiday here in Massachusetts on Monday but unfortunately, I do not get a long weekend so I can’t take care of it on Monday. Sometimes you just got to get things done and brakes are pretty important.

I don’t have plans tomorrow either. The calm before the storm that begins next week. More on that tomorrow. Might as well take advantage off all the Nat Geo time while I can. Smile

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Support Wednesday: Relationships

It’s Wednesday,  so because I will probably be talking about all the stuff in my head, I am going to call Wednesdays “Support Wednesday:”.

Tonight we focused a lot on relationships. I talked about the pressure I feel sometimes to find someone. Yet, that someone might interfere a bit with my recovery. Guys tend to complicate things, for me anyways. When I was dating the poofer, things went haywire. I was binging a lot.  Probably because things weren’t quite right and I knew it but I just wanted to be with someone.

I am lonely. For what I don’t know. Something to fill the void that food filled. Not necessarily romance. I am not really sure.

Yet, I am independent. I can go anywhere, at anytime, with anyone at a moments notice. I have an apartment, a cat, a job, a car, friends and for the most part, outside of my crazy self, I am satisfied with life. I wish I could think normally but that will come.

How the eating disorder is kind of the third person in a relationship.  Maybe the 4th for me, depression was sort of like the 3rd person, the shadow, lurking in the corners. I still somewhat describe myself with depression. I am more then depression. Yes, I suffer. Yes, there are good days and bad days. Depression is an illness. It is not a defining part, or at least it shouldn’t be, a defining characteristic of me.

I leave the meetings feeling better then I do when I get there. I felt pretty good going in today so I left on a high side. It felt good.  I can be happy.

The moderators of the group gave a DBT pamphlet and I can tell that I will find that very usual in dealing with lots of behaviors. I will have to talk about it soon.

Unfortunately, when I got home, I was starving and started to put whatever I could in my mouth. I could not stop until I took a breath and my mind said STOP! Enough Jennifer. I was way low on the hunger scale. My mind was also on overload with the meeting in my head.

The next minute is a new chance….

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Step 1

Today I had two appointments. One in the morning with my ob/gyn, all is well on that front. When asked to weigh in, I turned my back to the scale and did not see the number. Having that number swirl in my head while waiting 20 plus minutes in the room for the 5 minute appointment would not have been good.

The other one in the evening with my new nutritionist.I was a bit hesitant on how to proceed with the whole healthy eating thing without getting obsessed or self critical, which I have a little habit of doing.

She had asked me to write down my food for the week. I bought a cute little notebook and wrote everything down. Showing her, however, was hard. I was embarrassed by my choices. I tried to defend my choices even though she did not comment or anything.  While she was looking, I was talking away nervously about how I did this or that. She said it was alright. She wanted to see my patterns in eating.

We wrote down where I see myself in 1 year, 6 months, 2 months, 2 weeks from today. I said my primary goal with to be all around healthier i.e. mind, body and weight. I wanted to continue to attend my groups and get healthier.

We talked about portion sizes. I said that for most things, I am near the portion size. There are few things like peanut butter, chicken, rice, snacks, where I go over.

We talked about the hunger scale. I said I have times where I am so hungry that I eat so much. I let myself go for hours, especially on the weekends, not eating and at those times, I at the edges of the hunger zone. I should be in the middle. Never starving and never overly full.

She talked about handling cravings and I asked about emotional eating. That is my main problem. Food is not my friend. It is not my comforter. It is not there for me. She suggested when I am down and/or lonely, really my critical binge times, to knit or even blog to take my mind off of things. I like the idea of blogging. So I may be posting more if I need to.

My goals for this week:

1. Drink at least 36 ounces of water a day. I have a habit of drinking nothing but coffee and maybe a soda later in the afternoon. I have a water bottle and it holds 36 ounces.

2. Pay attention to my hunger signals.

3. Get more fruits and vegetables in daily.

That is it. Nothing overly fancy. I will still write down what I eat but I am not following anything at the moment. Just taking one day at a time.

One other little tidbit. When I went to Nordstrom’s for their bra fitting event, I bought a matching set of under things. I have never in my life worn matching under things. What a difference in attitude it makes. I just felt a little better. Not all dowdy. I may have to consider it more.

Monday, April 11, 2011

One Down…..

As far as Mondays go, today was pretty good. I actually got a little dressed up for work today. Lately, I have been a corduroys (love them) or khakis gal at work, but I wore a dress today. Something I very rarely do. With the warmer weather, I am going to take more care in getting ready and get away from the dowdiness that has taken over.

I wanted to take a picture to prove that I was wearing the dress but I don’t have a full length mirror. As of now, while he is a very smart cat, Boots can not take a photo of me, if only he had opposable thumbs.

While I did manage to shower and put on the dress, I think I forgot the main thing. At work, I kept sniffing something. I was mainly alone in the office today and that something was me. Deodorant is almost as important as the clothes.

I also had the hiccups for 3 hours. I held my breath, drank water, did all the tricks to get rid of them but they just hung around. I have loud hiccups and it gets annoying after a while. Smelly and hiccupy describe my day.

It could be a lot worse and I will take it.

How was your Monday?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Clear Sunday

Sundays are usually kind of somber and today was no different. I spent most of it watching River Monsters and knitting.  It was the first semi-productive knitting day in a while. I have a couple of projects I am working on and I am just itching to get them done.

My mind was quiet today, which I will take. The days like that have been few and far between lately that it feels night just to think of nothing.

I am not really looking forward to Monday but hopefully, it will just go by without incident. I am hoping for an incident free week.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

5 Things: On My Mind

Thanks to Google and my mind, I found out some stuff about someone from my past that I wasn’t prepared for. Why I was looking him up, I don’t know. I knew nothing good would come of it. What am I still in high school? I knew what my reaction would be if I found what I was “looking” for and I found it. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I felt sick. Luckily, I decided to go walk down to Wollaston Beach because things would deteriorate from there if I continued. Why do I do this to myself?

So today, I am listing what has been swirling around in my head.

1. In relation to the above, I have had this song lyric from Bruce Hornsby & The Range’s The Valley Road “good enough to hire not good enough to marry” stuck in my head. That is what I feel like. Only, if I had stayed with any of the men in my past, I would not be happy. They all treated me like shit. I wasn’t good enough.  Screw that poofer, handsome Italian Mama’s boy, Irish boy and the people that came and went. I am tired of being treated horrible.

2. Mom said about 25 words today, which is utterly amazing.  They put her back on Abilify. If you hear commercials for Abilify saying “elderly dementia patients should not take Abilify” well, cross out elderly because Mom isn’t but she’s one of those dementia patients taking Abilify. She also looked brighter and happier.

It is because Dad came with me to visit. He had not come since he got sick, about a month before he went into the hospital for pneumonia. He was afraid of getting everyone there sick. She lit up for him though.

3. Did you hear about the link between antidepressants and the increased risk of breast and/or ovarian cancer in women? I did. Though it concerns me a little, I grew up next to a Superfund site in Holbrook, MA. I have drunk out of enough BPA filled bottles etc. that if it is going to get me, it will. I’d probably not be here now if weren’t for the antidepressants.

4. Why didn’t I run into him while I was working in Kendall Square?

I just found that the Beast Hunter blog, where I got the picture, but I am not sure if it is actually him writing. He is like the perfect guy.

5. I am going to relax with Netflix tonight.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Cutting the Magazine Chord

I have talked about my magazine addiction in the past. It has gotten a little better but it is still going strong. I am thinking that it is time to cut the chord for my own sanity.

I am near the end of my subscription and will not be renewing these:

 

I can get a SLIM SEXY BODY with SLEEK ARMS! and a FLAT BELLY! and a FIRM BUTT! while STOPPING STRESS INSTANTLY. I love some of their articles but on the whole,

I could BOOST MY BODY IMAGE and get TIGHT TUSH, TONED THIGHS and of GET SLIM WITHOUT THE GYM and SATISFY MY SWEET TOOTH. They promise an awful lot in these magazines don’t they?

 

The name says all I need to know.

 

I am totally torn about this magazine but I must let it go.

Yep, even Redbook. Maybe it is because I am not married or have any kids but I just feel sort of inadequate when I read this. It was a new addition through Diet Coke points that I had to use but that is it.

I will keep:

I am a total dork but I love this magazine.

My knitting book addiction will be next Smile.

I could even pick up a few magazines:

or

I really like both these magazines and a subscription would be cheaper.  I know. I am supposed to breaking my addiction. Baby steps!

In other news, I realized tonight I neglected to send my cable bill in, as it was under some pages. Oops. I guess my Nat Geo Wild addiction will go on abrupt detox this weekend.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Enemy or Deceased?

It’s Wednesday and even though I barely made it on time, I did make it to my meeting tonight. Weymouth to Newton traffic did not hold me back! I was in Weymouth because I picked Dad up from the hospital and quickly transported him home.

It was discussed how you think of the urge to participate in behaviors such as binging and restricting. It was said that they think of the voice that urged them on as being deceased or past away. That they mourn that voice.

I always thought of it more as the enemy. A powerful enemy but an enemy none the less. This thinking still gave the thoughts power and sometimes they leak through. Like tonight after the meeting, I stopped at Walgreens to pick up my refill on my cocktail of medicines and there was the Easter aisle. As I scanned to see if they had the chocolate dipped Peeps that I really liked, they did not, that voice kept screaming, “Buy an egg! Buy a bunny! Buy some Cadbury mini eggs! Buy all 3 of them!”  That would have totally been a binge and it was screaming my mine.  I left without the candy.

I was told the self compassionate way of it would be to think of it as passed away. That the enemy approach just gives it power. The enemy part is another way of totally beating myself up.

I also talk about my social pattern. How I went from pretty much being a quiet loner to a social butterfly with something every night and weekend. How going from one extreme to the other was not good for me. I need to fly somewhere in the middle of that. I am not happy at either end. At one end I am very lonely. At the other, I want to be alone.

The subject of diets was brought up and my thinking of diets and the scale lately was just a symptom. I need to just eat healthy and forget about the weight number. I have had some crazy and totally unhealthy thoughts down that road recently.

My brain was buzzing again after I left. I have to quiet it down a bit to get to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A Stroke of Luck

Dad had another stroke. Thankfully, not as bad as what happened to him last summer, but this is the second one in 2 weeks! The emergency room nurse and the floor nurses recognized him from his visit a few weeks ago.  When the nurses start welcoming you back then you have spent too much time there. I have spent more time in Brigham & Women’s in the last 8 months then in my entire 36 previous years.

He was at least in good spirits when I went to see him. I went over after work, which was a busy day. We had a good talk.  At least I didn’t leave the hospital depressed and down. I don’t know when he will be released but he is being well taken care of.

I wrote what I ate down today. Day one of writing my food in a little notebook. I am obsessed with roasted Brussels sprouts. It was all I could think about on my way home. Move over broccoli, a new vegetable is in town.

I am exhausted. Time to read for a bit before I go to bed. I did some knitting on the subway home so today is a score on both the knitting and reading fronts.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Dad Again.

Today must have been a Monday because Dad went to the emergency room again after visiting his doctor, where he was slurring his words and having difficulties. They called an ambulance for him.  I also had a killer headache, which probably stemmed from my worry over Dad. It affected my vision, which was kind of fuzzy for a while.

While I am waiting to hear if he had another mini-stroke, I went to my nutrition appointment. I explained about my binge eating disorder and what I was looking for. I told her I can not step on the scale for my own mental health. I need guidance and with meal plans, everyone in my group talks about a meal plan. Someone who understands I have a lot of food issues and in conjunction with therapy and the support groups, I need nutrition help.  I bought a couple of sessions. I will see where this goes. It is right now the street and I can walk there when it does not look like the sky will open up as it did tonight.

I am off to rest and wait for a phone call updating me to the situation. This has been happening far to often. I am really concerned.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

5 Things: The Weekend and Big Cats

What do the two things have in common? It was the weekend and my weekend was dominated by watching big cat shows on television.  You would be amazed how something on a TV show can totally effect my mood.

1. This clip from the show, Lions on the Edge, had me crying all afternoon.

I am not as strong as the cub, Junior.

2. Boots spent a lot of time in this position.

Boots on thigh

3. Which mean, I was in his preferable position, lying on my side so he could lay on my hip. I had planned to throw a lot of junk from my apartment out but I accomplished nothing. If I didn’t agree to meet Secret Sister for breakfast, I might have stayed in bed all day.

4. I tried to write this post yesterday but my computer froze last night and I didn’t have the patience or the will to reboot and try again so I just let it go.

5. This is a fairly lame 5 Things, mainly because I could not think of much and I have been crying over the above video most of the day.  It is sort of distressing how I can focus on everything yet nothing when I am sad. Being alone didn’t help.

Now, I am off to have some tea and hang with Boots, my buddy.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Mental Health Friday

Today was a total mental health day. I had 2 appointments directly mental health related then a meeting in the afternoon with a cat food run after.

Once again, I woke up 20 minutes before my first appointment in a huge panic. Luckily, it is just over on the other side of Quincy near the mall but still, ugh! I had barely enough time to brush my teeth. Poor Boots was wondering where his breakfast was. It was a late kitty cat brunch today.

I have to have an anemia test and I should also have a sleep study done. Dad will be very happy for me to have a sleep study but I am really leaning towards anemia given my history and blood donating iron issues.

Mother Nature was cruel to us in the Northeast this morning. As I was driving around today, I noticed pink snow around certain areas that had wood chips or mulch down . It was a Pepto-Bismol pink. I wish I had stopped to take a picture of it. There were several offending pink areas in front of apartment complexes on Willard Road if you are in the area.

Tomorrow I am attending a tea at Upstairs at the Square. I love teas. It should be a lot of fun!