It’s Wednesday so it is support group day. I leave the meetings with my brain buzzing about all that was talked about in a good way.
One topic discussed was how people with disordered eating are perfectionists. At first I thought, nah, there are too many things that are out of whack with my life that now, I am not one. With more thinking however, I am totally one.
I expect perfection:
1. On the scale. Any non-loss is a HUGE setback. A HUGE failure. A reason to totally believe I am a horrible, ugly, stupid, fat excuse of a person. I have stayed away from it even though it beckons me once in a while.
2. My family. I have to perfectly handle everything. I am the peacemaker. I am the decision maker. I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying.
3. Up until recently, I had to be early for everything. I was the one to always get the table, if it was going to be crowded event or arrive at a party early. This late thing lately is screwing me up.
4. Recycling. I have to recycle. God forbid something is thrown out that could be recycled.
6. Self compassion. I have none. I am a total perfectionist/slacker about myself. I fail and beat myself up which makes me try some more to fail and beat myself up. I strive to be perfect at work. Anything I fail at is a reason to go off on myself. I am a perfectionist at picking on myself.
Which means other things sort of slack. I am ok with that but this I have to let go of some of the things above. My shoving food in me is a sort of rebellion. I can do this and for about a millisecond things will be better then it begins.
I made an appointment with a nutritionist that can help with a plan to beat this. The first visit is free and I will go and check it out Monday night. It is right about the corner from me. They also offer things like boot camp classes and such but for now, I need a nutrition who can help disordered eating.
I always feel better after my Wednesday meetings. It helps to talk to other people.