Perfection?

It’s Wednesday so it is support group day. I leave the meetings with my brain buzzing about all that was talked about in a good way. 

One topic discussed was how people with disordered eating are perfectionists. At first I thought, nah, there are too many things that are out of whack with my life that now, I am not one. With more thinking however, I am totally one.

I expect perfection:

1. On the scale. Any non-loss is a HUGE setback. A HUGE failure. A reason to totally believe I am a horrible, ugly, stupid, fat excuse of a person.  I have stayed away from it even though it beckons me once in a while.

2. My family. I have to perfectly handle everything. I am the peacemaker. I am the decision maker. I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying.

3. Up until recently, I had to be early for everything. I was the one to always get the table, if it was going to be crowded event or arrive at a party early. This late thing lately is screwing me up.

4. Recycling. I have to recycle. God forbid something is thrown out that could be recycled.

6. Self compassion. I have none. I am a total perfectionist/slacker about myself. I fail and beat myself up which makes me try some more to fail and beat myself up. I strive to be perfect at work. Anything I fail at is a reason to go off on myself. I am a perfectionist at picking on myself.

Which means other things sort of slack. I am ok with that but this I have to let go of some of the things above. My shoving food in me is a sort of rebellion. I can do this and for about a millisecond things will be better then it begins.

I made an appointment with a nutritionist that can help with a plan to beat this. The first visit is free and I will go and check it out Monday night. It is right about the corner from me.  They also offer things like boot camp classes and such but for now, I need a nutrition who can help disordered eating.

I always feel better after my Wednesday meetings. It helps to talk to other people.

Holy Moly

Not much today. I went to the dermatologist this afternoon and none of my many moles are “suspicious” though moles are always suspicious to me. Seriously, if I am paranoid about anything, it is the moles. I am a walking advertisement for people who get skin cancer. Pale, freckled, moly, burned a lot, check, check, check, check.

I’ve been doing more walking,which is good for me and my soul. It is still cold here in Boston so I try to ignore that as much as I can and just do it. It is hard sometimes and I can be a bit wuss about the weather thing. 

I found a Weight Watchers product that I like. Imagine that!  I had a coupon and I love apple pie anything so I thought I would give this a try:



It passed my taste test. I suffer from eat the same thing over and over disease. I am trying to expand my horizon’s a bit and this was ok and had that apple pie taste!

A Visit at the Museum

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of visiting the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. I had not been since the new Art of the Americas wing opened. I can’t tell you how much I liked the new wing. I am a John Singer Sargent fan and the art of the 19th and 20th century really made me happy.


I wandered around like a little kid on that floor. I loved this sheep weathervane that they had.



Then there was this door pane that I thought was gorgeous. Where can I get one?



And you thought pigs couldn’t fly! This carousel pig was cool.

While, I thought the camera police would accost me at any moment, they did let me take a few pictures here and there.


On the 20th century floor, this picture from the 70’s sums up the 70’s. Rainbows and colored lines were all over the place. It sort of reminds me of a fish.




There is even a big restaurant in the middle of museum. I should have tried it but I had eaten already. It looks like it could be a great people watching spot.

There is a new Chihuly exhibit coming to the MFA. This was basically all I got to see of the exhibit but I will go back to see the whole exhibit.



The glass “leaves” were really cool, I thought.


Thank you BzzAgent and the Museum of Fine Arts for sponsoring my trip to the museum. I really liked the new wing!


I also made another discovery today of the sweet kind. Luckily, there are 3 in the 1 serving package and it hit the spot in sugary goodness.

I hate it when I get near the bottom of my peanut butter jar because I don’t stir it properly and the bottom is always just one big clump of peanut butter without the benefit of being stirred. I need a better stir method. Not that it stops me from eating the said peanut butter.


I am feeling ok mood wise. Body wise not so ok. The mirror was not kind today. Tomorrow will be better.

5 Things: Rewards

Throughout life, I haven’t rewarded myself for milestones. No weight loss rewards. No happiness rewards. No I made it through the week unscathed rewards. No rewards for not hitting someone on the subway.

That should change. Here are things I would reward myself with:

1. Curve ID jeans

 Levi’s

I love the concept of these jeans and am looking for a pair that actually looks good on me but these would have to be weight loss reward because unfortunately, Levi’s does not make these in plus sizes.

I hate shopping for jeans otherwise. I rarely find something that fits that I don’t really notice if it looks good or not.

2. John Singer Sargent print

I went to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston today and I fell in love with this painting. I would love to find a print of it somewhere. I bought another print of his at the museum today because I could not find this one.

 image

Mrs. Charles E. Inches

3. Namaste bag

These bags are gorgeous. I seriously coveting one of the bags. This is the Monroe bag.

Namaste

4. Jordana Paige bag

This one is the Knitter’s Satchel. I will make this a reward to work for.

 Jordana Paige

 

5. Donna Morgan Cap Sleeve Dress or really most clothes at Nordstrom.

I am going to be going on to SheCon in May and a cruise. I’ll need a new dress.

Too Much Hospital Time

Dad went to the emergency room again today.  He was having massive pain in his abdominal area and he hasn’t had a few nights sleep in 3 days. They ran a lot of tests and could not find a reason why. They did find some nodules on his lungs that are perhaps scar tissue from previous pneumonia battles when he smoked 30 years ago. It was suggested he get them checked again in a year “just to be sure”.  The alternative is not very good.  He was tired, frustrated and in pain.

I am frustrated also. Probably the most important person in my life, my Dad is like the Mom I haven’t had in 20 years.  This cycle of going into the hospital every other week is hard. Dad is nervous. I am worried like crazy. It’s not going to get better soon.

Other than working while worrying and getting calls from Secret Sister and my brother all day long, today was a decent day. My mood was stable. I went for a great long walk at lunch with my blogging friend, Karin. On the way back to work, I hiked up and over Beacon Hill to get back to work. If I do that everyday, I will be in shape in no time.

I get my hair done tomorrow again. I may go with the red streaks again. I love the red it faded into. It is richer. I was a little afraid to go with the red streaks, but change is good. I may let it grow a little bit longer. I miss the ability to stick it up on non-wash days.

Not Deterred

Today was not a bad day. It started on a bad note. Another morning of getting out of bed late. As I was running out the door, I spilled one of my coffees (yes) all over the one carpeted room in my apartment. Lovely. I quickly blotted it with a towel and moved on because I was late.

I got into work a little bit late, thanks to a back up at the Storrow Drive exit. Then things improved. I was busy and it kept my mind occupied. None of my tenants yelled at me, which is a plus. I went about my day kind of in my own little world. That is a good thing. Finally, I am starting to feel better. The change was needed. 

The last few days at work were a bit rocky to say the least. I work in a small department of Big Company and one of small department was let go unexpectedly. She had a lot of friends at our location and everyone has been a bit somber since.

Tomorrow is Friday. One of the few Fridays that I have nothing planned at night. I’ll take it.

I have found a new addiction:

 Image

I downloaded the Amazon App Store and after a bit of confusion, I download the game. Ugh. Something new to focus on. So far, the pigs are missing! I miss those sniveling pigs.

Escape to a Book

When I was young, I used to read a lot and write stories. My memory isn’t clear on what I wrote about but it was probably mushy stuff a 9 year old writes about. Reading was a way to escape from what was going in my life. I could transport myself somewhere else to forget about Mom’s hoarding or Dad’s yelling. It worked. It still does.

So now I am on Good Reads and I am trying to rate all the books I have read and I can’t remember them all from the last 5 years.  There are loads and loads of lists to go through and occasionally I remember one that I read. It’s very daunting. I could spend hours looking over the site.

Tonight’s support group went well. I left feeling better then I was coming in. I can tell the truth there, much like here. They don’t judge. I am really getting something out of the meetings. I can talk about the other half of me that really wants me down and out. I can talk about how that number on the scale totally controls me. I am afraid to step on a scale.

I talked tonight about my wanting to be healthy because I am very much like my father and I do not want all of the problems he has when I am his age. How do I go about that without really triggering a lot of bad disordered behavior? It would be even worse then it is now, which is not good. What is it about weight loss that brings out such self-hatred? What will I replace food with? Alcohol? Writing?

Those are a lot of questions.

Bundle Up, Get Out

When at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I will try again tomorrow getting up with my alarm. I didn’t sleep as late as yesterday but my alarm did nothing to entice me out of my slumber and flannel sheets.  A big FAIL today will be a succeed tomorrow. (See I am trying!)

I felt ok today until the afternoon. The culprit of my depressed mood this afternoon was being stuck in the dungeon too long without seeing the light. It was cold! I work in a windowless, bad HVAC, leak prone dungeon. I feel better in the afternoon if I get out for a bit each day but today I went out briefly and decided to stay in. Note to Jen: Bundle up, get out.

I have been getting a lot of mail from Pampers offering me coupons. How I got on this list, I haven’t a clue. It does nothing but remind me that I am 37 and childless. It is what it is. If you could use diaper coupons, I’d be happy to send them to you when they come so I know they are being put to use.

I am run down and achy tonight. I may just go to be early. I hope I am not getting sick. Hanging around Dad so much may not have been a good thing.

On April 1, we start the book group! The first book is The God of Small Things. Stop on my the new book club blog, Online Bookworms, follow and join in. The list of books is diverse and listed ahead of time. We need a follower

Alarmed and Ready

This morning was a big fail in the waking up on the first alarm or any alarm. I didn’t even hear the alarm and woke up in a panic running around. GAH! Tomorrow is another day.  I did bring my breakfast/lunch and after this I will either knit or read.

I felt ok today. The extra 50 mg of Wellbutrin twice a day seems to be working. I haven’t had as many down days since the increase. Perhaps that was what was needed. The ok-ness today was good because today it also snowed, which is a huge downer for me. It is supposed to snow Wednesday and Thursday as well, typical New England spring I guess.

April is about a week away and starting next month, my life starts to get exciting! Beer & Bacon Festival tickets go on sale later this week and if you are in Boston, you should come! It was a wicked good time last year. The festival is April 30th.

I am competing in the Walk for Hunger the next day so why not! I’ll be walking 20 miles to walk off the beer and the bacon.

I was told a funny story the other by my father’s friend. When Dad was getting treated after driving around in his boxers and running out of gas, there were a few cops and 5 EMTS there. One of the EMTs recognized my Dad’s last name and asked if he had a daughter, Jennifer. That is me of course. He was asking if I was single, still lived in the area, all about me or so I am told.  Unfortunately, neither my Dad nor his friend could remember his name. Supposedly, I went to school with him. I am not sure if it was elementary school or high school but he knew me.

Now I am totally curious. Who was this EMT?

I wish I knew. I may have to hang around Weymouth ambulances to find out.

Pledges

It has been a quiet pain filled weekend here. I know when I got the IUD, I did not sign up for this amount of pain. I do hope it gets better over time because even though I have a high tolerance for pain, it is too much.

Yesterday, I didn’t do much except for a few errands and trying some Filipino food for the first time. I loved it. I will definitely be back and I will be more adventurous next time.

Today I went to visit Mom. She was not doing well at all. She was still my little chipmunk chewing away at food that she had pocketed in her mouth. She doesn’t talk anymore, to me at least, and she would not look at me. We were in the community room of her area of the nursing home and I had more conversation with the other women around her table then her. The fact she would not look at me really gets me down. I know her brain is dying. I miss my Mom though and wish I could stop what she will be going through. She has gone downhill a lot and still has a ways to go.

This week, I pledge to:

1. Bring my lunch every day to work.

2. Go to the gym at least 4 times

3. Get up out of bed at the first alarm. Period.  (This is going to be the challenge).

4. Read more.

5. Knit some.

All good pledges I think.

5 Things: Books

Books were there for me during tough times. They were a momentary escape from my life in lives and lands I would never get to see. I love to read. Since I have to post 5 books I would like to read for the new book club, here are my choices:

1. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy – I won’t lie. I have just started to read this book and I like it so I added it to the list. It is about a pair of fraternal twins in India.

2. The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford – I saw a woman reading this on the T the other day. I am fascinated by World War II history and I like the cover. I won’t lie. I read books and wine by the cover.

3. Country Driving: A Chinese Road Trip by Peter Hessler – I love to travel as you may know. I like reading travel stories. This looks interesting.

4. American Wife: A Novel by Curtis Sittenfeld – Yes, it is supposed to be a fictionalized account of Laura Bush. I am curious. What can I say?

5. Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon – The Amazon reviews tempt me.

There you have it. I could go on. So now on to the blog! The blog that I will be contributing to for the book club will be Online Bookworms. I have also just joined Good Reads tonight. I’ll post these choices on that blog also. 

Grrr….

It has been a long week and I am wicked behind on my emails, my blog reading, everything!

I have a rant I want to post about. I recently bought some triple moisture shower cream from Bath & Body Works. I will never make that mistake again. It didn’t really do anything for my skin’s moisture but what really got me was the film that it is leaving on bottom of my bath tub.

I have used lots of different body washes, creams, scrubs, etcetera and none of them have been as bad as the film from these creams. I have had to wash my bath tub 4 times this week. Yuck!

I will also never use Crest ProHealth Clean Cinnamon toothpaste. This leaves little white and red dots in my sink every morning.  Another little pet peeve of mine. I just want nice toothpaste with no little red and white dots. Back to Colgate I guess.

This weekend is fairly open! I am trying out Filipino food for the first time ever tomorrow. The only Filipino restaurant in the Boston area is in Quincy.

I absolutely, positively must go see Mom this weekend. I also desperately need to go food shopping. I am totally out of most things. I need to get my 5 books and introduce you to the new book club blog, which I will get to this weekend.

I have totally been like a chicken without a head. I need to slow down and do some knitting.

Do I Deserve Happiness?

Tonight in my group, I talked about how my brain somehow thinks it is best to wallow in misery, to be prepared for the inevitable let down. The part of my brain that thinks that it will all go wrong so don’t get your hopes up is very active right now.

Happiness has always been fleeting with the inevitable journey back to misery and disappointment.  I have prepared myself for the let down like a kid expecting to go to the amusement park only to be told that something went wrong and it can’t happen. I will mentally prepare myself for that disappointed feeling now so I won’t have to deal with it later.

I want to be happy. I don’t want to think things will always go wrong. Why can’t I get these two sides of my brain to connect?

It goes along with my thinking, that started as a kid, that if I am fat no one will love me. No one will want to touch me. No one will pay attention to me. I was preparing myself for what was sure to come. Were the actions of grade school boys, who used to try to grab me and touch me, so something that I want no part of it now? One side of me would be very content never being with a man again.

But yet I am desperately lonely. I miss being in a relationship. I miss it very much and want it very much.

These two Jekyll and Hyde sides of me are in constant conflict with one another. Which will win?

Another thing, when I wrote about wanting to binge but there was nothing to binge on in the house. I was using a coping mechanism. Who knew?

I will be working on a book club blog this week. I am excited! Really, I can’t wait. Stop on by Jodi’s blog and check out her list of books.  I will have a list of books tomorrow.

My mood was better today. The extra Wellbutrin has been ok so far. Pains were moderate. I actually took some ibuprofrin today. Imagine that! It helped.

They discovered a clot that was going from Dad’s heart to his brain, while he was in the hospital. His afibrillation is coming to life. So on top of pneumonia there is that. They are treating it with aspirin. If he was on Coumadin and he had another stroke like he had this summer, he would bleed to death. Another thing to worry about.

Mom Musings

Dad was sprung from the hospital today. I got a call at about 8 am from him asking if I could come get him at some point then he put the nurse on. We decided that 3:00 pm was a good time and off I went to pick him up at 3:00. He is still wheezy, coughing up a lung and sick but was in a better mood. I drove him home and went on the great medicine search of March 2011. You would think that the pharmacy would have the form of antibiotics that he needed but no. Eventually, I found them.

After I found the medicine, I brought it to him. We were talking about whether I knew as a kid what was going on with my parent’s marriage. I said I knew the basics and it affected me. We talked about Mom’s schizophrenic tendencies. I knew the basics but at 8 years old, I did not need to know, nor would I understand, the whole story. Some things are best left to the adults.

It makes me wonder now if my mental illness is something I inherited from her or was it her behavior that brought out that tendency in me? It definitely brought out the loner in me.

I am totally not blaming her. She was/is sick. I am fascinated by this. Maybe because I also have a fear of getting dementia like Mom and having no one to take care of me since I am single, unlike Dad taking care of Mom. I may have to do some research. Maybe I am genetically predisposed.

I felt better today. Not as many sharp debilitating pains today, just some constant slight pains. I will take it. I did have a killer headache today but I get those a lot and I get used to it.

I have been thinking of starting an online book group with my friend in Manitoba, Jodi. Is anyone interested? I think it would be cool to maybe read and post about the book etc.

Mondays

Another day, more pains. The pain was debilitating at times. It made me double over at my desk. I am not sure what is going on, but it is not right, whatever it is. Let’s hope it stops soon because I am ready to cry.

I went to see Dad again today. He was in a bad mood and was being a curmudgeon again. Hopefully he will be sprung in the next day or two.  He was talking about dying tonight. I really don’t like when he talks about that stuff. It just makes me uncomfortable and antsy. Plus he was talking about Secret Sister in a not so nice way, which I asked him to stop.

My mood today was fairly neutral. I was in a decent mood despite the pains. It wasn’t until I was at the hospital that I started to feel a bit down.  Self esteem wise, I had a horrible day. I just felt ugly. Those feeling come and go. 

It was just an average day in what, hopefully, will be an average week.

In the Blink of an Eye

Where do weekends go? I spent too much time in Brigham & Women’s hospital this week. There is still the TB thing hanging over Dad and he has pneumonia. Dad mentioned that there was something in his brain found as well. At least we was in a better mood then he was on Friday night. I am not going to tolerate being yelled at.

I have been feeling fairly blah physically. I am not sure if it is the IUD but the pains I have been having are wicked bad.  I have a high tolerance for pain but it is getting to be too much. I have also had a headache today, which doesn’t help much.

This week will be a lot quieter. My goal for this week is to work out 4 times. I don’t have any concerts or hockey games or much in the line of anything this week except for Friday. I am looking forward to it.

I totally have to start shopping for my trips. I have no summer clothes at all and I need hiking boots for the big hike in July. What does one wear on a cruise? Since I don’t wear shorts, I figured I would get some skirts and capris. I also have SheCon in May, also in Florida. I am am really looking forward to the summer of travel!

Are you travelling anywhere this summer?

5 Things: Family

For a glimpse into my life, I thought it would be cool to post some old pictures of family, relatives and God only knows.

1. Dad and his buddies. I could live vicariously through my father. He used to wear a beard in the winter when I was young. The picture was taken in the living room of the house I grew up in.

 

Dad is the first guy.

2.

Dad is the one apparently passed out. My parents actually met when my Mom was in a car full of her girl friends and the driver knew my father, who was walking along the road. She stopped and my Dad got in the car next to my Mom. Mom thought he was going to throw up on her. That is the great beginning.

3. My grandfather was a dapper guy. He was Harvard educated and I never saw him dressed unlike he is dressed in the photo. He was dressed down because he did not have a bow tie on. I am the cute little girl next to him.

4. My grandparents divorced when my Dad was a kid. My grandmother was from a very political family and her uncle was the governor of Massachusetts.

The governor is Paul Dever, the man without the hat. He was governor from 1948 – 1952 and was attorney general in Massachusetts before that. He ran for president in 1952 but obviously did not win.

5. This brings me to recent days. This is me and Secret Sister, who has been on the blog twice in recent days. Shhh, don’t tell her.

An Eventful Few Days

On Tuesday night, I had the pleasure of going to see one of my all time favorite singers, Pete Yorn with Ben Kweller, The Wellspring and Anthony D’Amato.  I went by myself because I wanted to see the show and no one would go so why not?

Ben Kweller was cool. He even played an old song of his, Wasted & Ready and one of my favorite songs of his, Falling and I Don’t Know why.

Then there was Pete. Unfortunately, he did not play my favorite song of his, Chrystal Village, but he played a lot of others.

He played Life on a Chain, Strange Condition and some of his older stuff. He was wicked good. The show was a long one. It ran over 3 hours. This gal was tired by the end. I’m getting old!

Last night, I went to a Bruins versus Sabres game. The game was full of penalties and fighting. At two points, the Bruins were short two men on power plays. Come on guys, cut the penalties.

We had awesome sets 15 rows up near one of the goal posts.

I went with Secret Sister and she had a good time too!

Dad was admitted to the hospital last night for probable pneumonia. In the emergency room, the nurses were great. They even teased him that his new nickname would be Weazy. However today, he was in a panic. They found out that 20 years ago while in a local hospital for a procedure, he was exposed to TB. He went through the treatment for being exposed and got a certificate that he was clear. The doctors, however, think that TB needs to be ruled out so they have in isolated in this tiny room cavern and he is not being told anything. This makes him upset. Plus they sent in a psychiatrist to check his mental state that really made him mad. I am not sure what to do. We are trying to get a copy of the state certificate from the health department at their old town hall.

I also found out who some of my true friends are. Don’t people follow the if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it way of life anymore?  All I can say is that I do not have time for people like that in my life.

My therapist got my appointment this morning mixed up so I went but did not see her. I did see the med doctor later on that afternoon. We decided to up my Wellbutrin dose to 250 mg twice a day instead of the 150 twice a day. This is an attempt to get my up and going. She also wants me to go get my blood checks for anemia. When I was anemic before I slept a lot and it may have something to do with my sleeping. When I donated blood, I almost could not because of the iron levels in my blood. I will start the upped dosage this weekend.

Ugh

I want to binge very badly. Unfortunately, there is nothing in the house to binge on. It won’t solve any problems but the urge is there.

Dad is sick and through a couple of events today has really set me over the edge. I got a call from my brother around 5 that Dad had left the house without his wallet, phone and possibly his shoes.  I was on my way to my support group, going through a toll booth. I asked my brother basically, what was I supposed to do?

I said I would go and visit Dad after the meeting because I was there and after the week I have had, I needed to go. When I got out of the meeting, there was a message that Dad was home and not to worry about it.  So I got home and got a call from my brother against that Dad was going to the hospital via the ambulance because he was feverish.

Secret Sister was on the way to the hospital and told me not to come. So now I am waiting to hear from her.

I wanted to blog about the concert I went to last night. Pete Yorn and the other bands will go. It will have to wait until tomorrow.

My Depressed Brain

My brain wandered into territory it hasn’t visited in a while. I thought about how if I disappeared, no one would miss me.

Crazy right?

My brain went on to think that if this is forever, why bother?

It just make sad to type this. I am not really sure what brought these thoughts on. Why can’t my brain think like normal? Why can’t I be normal? Why did my path have to be like this?

I went to the gym after work tonight. My back started to hurt when I was on the elliptical so I switched to one of the bikes. The gym I go to is having a birthday celebration on Saturday with some cool classes. I am definitely going to try one or two. Working out does not make me feel better but at least I get my mind off how horrible I am for a while.

I didn’t get to see Mom this weekend, which really made me feel guilty. I miss having a Mom I can talk to about this sort of stuff. Dad is great but sometimes you just need your Mom.

I am just going to take one day at a time until I get to the doctors.

There was an article about going easy on yourself in the New York Times. I need to stop being myself up, calling myself names that I would not call anyone else, bringing myself down. I am going to pre-order this book, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristen Neff on Amazon.  I need a lot of help in this department. It can’t hurt, right?

I can keep searching until I find it.

The Week Ahead

Another weekend has come and gone. Sunday nights are hard and lonely. I watched Amazing Race and did some laundry and now, I am dreading the week. Though I see Pete Yorn on Tuesday night and I am excited about that. He is one of my favorite singers and his album, The Day I Forget is one of my favorites.  

I also bought a ticket to see Ray LaMontagne  in June. I love his music. I feel very connected to his music. Beg Borrow and Steal spoke to me. Last summer I saw him with David Grey and Ray stole the show. I have seen David a number of times but Ray just has the music style I love. I would love to get tickets for The Airborne Toxic Event in May but maybe 2 shows is enough for now, especially because I bought single tickets to both shows to go alone.

It doesn’t really bother me to be going alone. I am there to listen to the music and I’d rather see it alone then miss the show.

Another event this week is my appointment with the medication doctor to get my medications changed. That is a scary prospect. I have been on generic Prozac and Wellbutrin for years but something isn’t working since I have been low lately. Will I go into withdrawal? Will they just up my current meds? I don’t know. Something has got to change.

I will have stuff to talk about this week for sure. How is your week looking?

Conference Musings and a Swap

Are you going to Blogher ‘11 in San Diego or SheCon in Ft. Lauderdale in May? I am too! I’d love to connect if you are going to either.

I decided to participate in another blog swap that I saw on my blogging friend, Jodi’s An In My Corner blog.

Why don’t you go Janna’s blog, Happiness is a Journey and sign up. You might get me.

5 Things: Wishes

I decided not to go out with MRI guy. He is not for me. He said about 6 words to me on the last date and one was about sex. I am not that desperate and I deserve better.

I got a new DVD player last weekend and watched Easy A as the first movie that played on it.  I will give in 4 out of 5 stars just because I liked it so much.

I also was listening to This American Life while running around doing errands today. One of the stories (not “acts” this week) was about an Israeli who wanted to knock on random doors saying that if a goldfish asked you for 3 wishes, what would you tell the goldfish. These are my 5 (because it must be) wishes for the goldfish:

1. I would meet a guy sort of like Ira Glass. Yes, because there would be so much to talk about and I would get along with him well.

2. Ginger Snap ice cream would have zero calories and be endless.

3. I could kick depression to the curb and free of the shadow forever.

4. I could turn back time and change everything. I would have kicked those boys in grade school where it hurts. I would have talked to my parents back then instead of locking myself in my room. I would have stayed at Bradley University for 4 (or possibly 5 years) instead of 2.5. I would have had Rochester guy move to me, and if he cared he would have.  I would be the same person but different.

5. I would want to move to where I could have a dog, yet not pay more.  Dogs of my choice would be:

 

 Yes a Rhodesian Ridgeback.

or perhaps

 A cairn terrier. My Dad gave my Mom one for their first wedding anniversary.

or perhaps in honor of my mixed heritage

 A mutt or two

Ginger Snappy

I feel a bit better. Maybe it is buoyed by the fact I just had Turkey Hill’s Ginger Snap ice cream, my new addiction. I love ginger snaps!

I felt better today. The cramps I had yesterday were gone giving me a whole new sharp pain cramp every 10 minutes or so. Luckily, I could bend over in pain in the private of my cubicle today. Luckily, the day went by faster maybe because I was working in Boston instead of Cambridge today. We will be moving back to Boston soon anyways. The windows, music and Kendall Square will be missed.

I am totally looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow night, I have a wine tasting with a friend and possibly, we may check out a local restaurant. It’s better than wallowing at home, that’s for sure.

The Slippery Slope

I have been struggling this week. When asked at the meeting tonight to give my temperature on a scale of one to ten and I gave a 4, it was being a bit optimistic. This week has been tough on the self esteem. I feel fairly terrible about myself. It is another lather, rinse and blow dry with the ugly thoughts.

We also discussed how you know when you are going downhill, I could chime right in.

I wouldn’t pick something up that Boots had knocked over.

I can’t face the day and have been late to work so many times in the last month that I almost lost my job. This from someone who had to be early every day of her life.

I don’t care what I look like. I am ugly anyways, why bother?

That bill can wait to be paid.

Thought of becoming a hermit again that I really just want to come home every night and do nothing and see no one. It has been really hard to get out there. I have no self confidence and I have been ultra sensitive lately.

I feel defeated, overwhelmed, lonely, ugly, stupid, fat, like a nothing.

Sometimes I wish I would not be honest with myself on here. Reading this makes me sad. I pour my heart out on here and I know it helps me. It is an up and down roller coaster this blog but a life line for me in times like this. This would all be ruminating in my brain until it drove me crazy.

I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t let people walk all over me. MRI guy called me last night and I did not recognize the number so I answered the call. I was thinking why are you calling me? But that is not what was coming out of my mouth. I was thinking that I really had nothing in common with you and I am not interested. When he asked if I was free this weekend I said “Maybe Saturday.” What kind of answer is that?

I can everything to my family. I can’t do this for Dad one night, taxes for Jimmy and Secret Sister on two separate nights when I do not take care of myself.

When people talk to me about their problems, I really try to help and sympathize with them meanwhile, I am totally tearing myself apart.

Again today I was not feeling well after my appointment and my brain went right along with my physical pain.

My one lesson today is this this:

 

Is absolutely disgusting. I made the mistake of getting the Big and Toasty Sandwich for breakfast because I was hungry and desperate for a coffee. Never again. Very fake oily, not toasted enough, salty….I should have just gotten the flatbread and save a zillion calories.

Something Uplifting

What a crazy couple of days! Last night, I helped Secret Sister with her taxes. I wasn’t going to really do anything but let her use my computer but something wasn’t right and I ended up fixing her taxes for her. I also did my brother’s taxes over the weekend. Tonight, I had to go over Dad’s to get the account that Mom’s SSD check is deposited in set up for online banking so we can automatically send a check each month to the nursing home. Most of her check goes to the nursing home as her monthly fee, in addition to Medicaid, but Dad hasn’t always remembered since the stroke.

I found out that my Dad actually did have a stroke a week ago. He went to a neurologist yesterday and the doctor disagreed with the emergency room. They didn’t even see his hemorrhage area in his brain from last summer.  Another thing to worry about. Dad was doing well tonight and was in generally good spirits. I ate dinner with him before I set the account up.

I love my family very much sometimes I can’t get away from them. They expect so much from me and I can’t live up to it.

I walked for a half an hour on the treadmill during my lunch break because I knew I would be going over Dad’s tonight. I feel better about myself when I do work out. Since I got to the gym last night,  that is two days in a row. I have been struggling in the self esteem department though and it gives it a little boost.

I stopped by Nordstrom tonight after visiting Dad. A message board friend of mine gave me a recommendation for Elomi bras and I went and found one I like. The are certainly uplifting. I am excited to have a good bra again. I am on the hunt now for sale priced Elomi bras.  The models on their website are gorgeous fuller figured women. Gives me hope!

Tomorrow morning I get the Mirena IUD inserted. Hopefully it will go well. If it will be like the biopsy last week, I hope I will make it through work after. That pain was bad maybe because I was not expecting to get a biopsy.