Do you watch The Amazing Race?
I do and I have decided that I would like this costume:
Or maybe this one from Cushzilla:
The bottom one is a lot cuter.
I should be on the Amazing Race. Seriously, I would have a lot of fun.
And if you look around the Cushzilla site, you can find one for EVERY occasion. I wonder what my boss would think if I went to work in the gerbil one?
Yes, I am a little annoyed today. I am not sure why but I am. Maybe it was Boots meowing at 4 am. Maybe the moon is in retrofit (I don’t know). Here it goes.
1. On a website that ranks “Boston” neighborhoods, the neighborhoods supposedly in Boston are in Newton, Watertown, Medford. That is a little annoying as they are not part of Boston but what is even more annoying, is that Quincy, which is better then those areas and right next to Boston, isn’t even on the website. When is Quincy going to get some love?
2. I am tired of getting “College Girls Need Spanking” emails.
3. A while ago, I won a gift card to a local restaurant at my gym and I can not find it.
4. Depression is a thief and it sucks the life out of me. I went to visit Mom and to get some fabric at JoAnn Fabric to use inside of some purses I am knitting. I thought I brushed my hair, my teeth and looked ok but my glasses must have been fuzzy because when I got home, I realized I looked terrible. My hair was all over the place and not fresh looking. My clothes were so-so. When did I stop caring what I look like?
5. Saturday night home alone.
This week was an emotional rollercoaster, up, down, up, down. Sometimes, I think I just really put a lot of events in my schedule to not be alone, to forget. Tonight, I had managed to get an invitation to the restaurant, Davide’s, in Boston, party to celebrate their Kitchen Nightmare’s episode. I had “liked” a post of theirs on Facebook and got a chance to attend their party.
I went with my friend, Mia, and I have to say it was a lot of fun. It was a bit awkward to see the owners on the TV as they were running around the restaurant but they were very nice.
Unfortunately, I did not take out my good camera but I did get a couple of bad pictures on my phone.
One of the problems was there was wine and champagne. The wine they had was cabernet sauvignon and it is quickly becoming my favorite wine. One glass turned into a few and I was not concerned about the quality of my pictures.
The food is really good and I would totally go back again. Want to go with me?
Tomorrow I have nothing planned! Nothing! I have to give visit Mom and get some cleaning and resume work done but that is it. Dad also needs some help setting up an online banking account. I also plan on sleeping in. YAY!
I had the first support group tonight. I was really nervous when I arrived. Being around new people makes me nervous. Will they think I am crazy? Can I talk about the scale? My past? My binge of a box of crackers, a tub of hummus, some cheese and cold cuts? What made me do it? Gah!
I am happy to say I did well. I didn’t talk to much. Sometimes when I am nervous, I can go on and on. I did mention my struggle with scale and one suggestion was to get rid of my scale period. I could do that.
I need to lose weight. There isn’t a question about that. I need to be healthy and get over some of my disordered thinking. I want to give the South Beach diet a try. The first two weeks may be rough, but I am ready. I actually bought the book today. I can’t handle the scale sanely though.
It is hard balancing the need to lose weight with an eating disorder. Do I stop worrying about losing weight to get better and get bigger and bigger?
I see my therapist Friday and I want to tell her about my progress as she was one that referred me to MEDA. I wonder what she will say. I still haven’t found a therapist that is accepting new patients and focuses on eating disorders.
Dad is asking me for help in selling his timeshare. Tomorrow night, before trivia, I have to go and visit to go over the papers they sent him. I don’t want him taken on anything. He is a constant worry and has been talking about getting lap band surgery. He is the perfect candidate. I am really happy he is taking some notice and care of himself. When all he talked about was dying, I could not take it.
I think I am going to create a scrapbook of Mom in the days before she was taken by the disease. I may hit the craft stores this weekend because I don’t know a thing about scrapbooking and I need to get some pictures of Mom from Dad. Thanks Jodi for suggesting it!
I also want to make a board for myself to put stuff on. Motivational stuff, things I see in magazines, and stuff to fill out the white of my wall that I stare at when I use the computer. I have some corkboards somewhere in my apartment.
I applied to be a volunteer at Blogher ‘11 this year and was rejected. Oh well. They are missing out. I already bought my ticket so I am going anyways but last year, a friend was a mike wrangler and it looked fun. I thought I could help out. Maybe next year.
I also really need to do some updating on the blog. I definitely need to work on the blog roll. There are lots of blogs I read, that you should too!
I have been fidgeting around with Random Integer Generator for the last half hour and I can not get it to work properly, so I am just going to come out an say it. Kristen, #5, you win. You’ll see an email to get your shipping address from me soon.
So, I think change is kind of scary. Really scary. I am somewhat content. I rent my own place by myself. I am 99.9% self sufficient. Something has got to give in my life.
The morale at my job has hit an all time low. My entire department is not happy including myself. I know where I want to go on this one. After 9 years there, it is time for me to see what is out there.
I am taking steps to help my demons. Tomorrow is my first binge disorder/bulimia support group. I am going to start South Beach on Monday. I want to eat my fruit before I start so Monday it is.
This weekend I need to purge my apartment. Just get rid of stuff. If I haven’t touched it and it does not have sentimental value it will be donated, thrown out or put on Freecycle.
I am tired of feeling out of control. Once I get on that slippery slope of depression, everything falls like dominos. I have to take control.
The days now just make me tired. Today, I had the joy of working while a good portion of people had the President’s Day holiday off. It was cold and windy today and with the lack of people around, it just seemed colder. The wind goes through me and takes with it it my spirit. I feel beaten down by Old Man Winter. Four days ago, it was nice and sort of mild in the 50s, not so today.
There was also a stabbing at Park Street station on the Red Line that disrupted my commute home today. I wanted to go to the gym after work but by the time I got home at 7:30, I was tired, grumpy and having bad cramps.
That’s about it for my day.
Some days, I was just meant to stay in bed. Today was one of those days. At least I have Wednesday off and can sleep in a little that day.
People have found my blog by searching for Crazy Jen. I am not sure how I feel about that. It doesn’t help that I have a posting titled that.
Don’t forget to enter my giveaway. I choose the winner tomorrow evening. It could be you!
Sunday nights are always hard. I feel especially lonely on Sundays for some reason. The quiet of the night and the impending doom of the work week take effect. I had a good weekend so far. One mini-binge but I really stopped myself before I got too far.
I also encountered Girl Scout Cookies for the first time today in Shaw’s and I bought 2 boxes. One Lemonades, which I love, and Shout-Outs, which I had never seen before. They are Belgian caramel cookies. So far, I have not eaten the whole box.
I am going to try to take Wednesday off because I need a mental health day and I need a day to get some things done on my car. I can’t seem to do everything on the weekend.
I didn’t go see Mom this weekend. Last weekend, she was not doing well. Not doing well is the new normal for her. She was chewing when I got there. She can be like a little packrat squirreling away food in her mouth. She also had an accident and she was not interested in me at all.
Of course it kills me on the inside. I miss my Mom a lot. I could use a Mom to talk to and I am terribly jealous of those with healthy Moms who recognize you. Mom is not coming back and it is only going to get worse from here. She does not respond to me at all. She barely looks at me and when she does, she has no clue who I am. I always feel so guilty when I don’t see her. Next weekend, I don’t have much planned so far except to go see her.
Dad called me about 5 times yesterday. He was lonely and concerned about Secret Sister. We talked about current events and his health. I worry about him so much. He told me tonight, he wants to get lap band surgery, which for him, would be life saving, I think. He is worried about death, I know. He called me tonight and apologized about all the calls yesterday. I understand and I wish I could do more.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week plus we are expecting snow. I hope this week goes well.
Don’t forget to enter my give away. I will pick a winner on Tuesday.
I tend to hook onto certain words and use them whenever I can. So today, I would like to tell you my 5 Things:Favorite Words that currently I use a lot.
1. Discombobulated
It describes my life lately but what it not to love about this silly sounding word. It does sound like something messed up.
2. Nefarious
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition is flagrantly wick or impious : evil like several people I know.
3. Wicked
Which brings me to my number 3 word, wicked as in the Boston definition is brings things to a “very” level. I am wicked mad. She was wicked mean. I find I am using it more and more. I should do one of those vlogs for my accent.
4. Knackered
It just sounds good. I have been quite a bit knackered lately. I have been reading too many books from Britain and Ireland and it stuck.
5. Tonic
I grew up saying tonic for soda or if you must call it, pop. I still use it and I don’t care what anyone says. I like tonic.
Recently, prior to the events of the last couple of days, I was sent some Progresso Light Soup to sample from the wonderful people at Progresso through MyBlogSpark.
So far I have tried two of the soups. The first one I tried was the Light Zesty! Santa Fe Style Chicken. I was a little skeptical that a light soup would be good. Soup is already fairly light but with this soup I was proven wrong.
I loved it. It was zesty! and had more than just broth and rice in it. I was surprised. I will be adding this to the soup lunch circuit. I could spice it up a little more with a little of cheese.
The next soup that I tried was was the Light New England Clam Chowder. Being a New Englander, I have discerning tastes for chowder. This was a disappointment.
Where were the clams? I could find few clams. The broth separated a little bit when the soup started to cool down and that turned me off.
I will stick with Campbell’s version of the Light Clam Chowder.
I have the opportunity to give away a yoga prize package with two cans of Progresso soup to one reader. I will pick a winner on Tuesday evening.
All you need to do is tell me what Progresso soup flavor is your favorite? I recently tried their World Recipes Albondigas soup and I liked it!
Progresso has a contest of their own going on. All you have to do is stop by Progresso’s Facebook page to win a fabulous trip to New York City and:
They will pick 10 finalists on March 10 and from March 30 – April 4th you will be able to vote for your favorite. Three grand prize winners will be awarded a trip for two to New York City from May 20th-22nd. The prize includes round-trip airfare, a two-night stay in an NYC hotel, a full makeover, a guided wardrobe shopping spree with a personal consultation at a New York City department store, and $1,000 in spending money.
I was given the samples of soup and a prize pack from the generous people at Progresso through MyBlogSpark. The opinions expressed are 100% my own.
I was excited yet nervous for my appointment today. After 37 years of some strange habits, some are hard to let go of but I want to lose weight the healthy way. I want to be kind to myself and not binge when things don’t go right or I am lonely.
I am going to attend a weekly support group on Wednesday nights for bulimia and binge disorders. When I would go to Weight Watchers, I was missing some support that was not provided. I wasn’t so much interested in learning the wonders of 100 calorie packs but more on some of my emotional issues. Weight Watchers did nothing for that.
It was also suggested I see a therapist who specializes in food issues and work with a nutritionist as a team with the support groups. I have known I needed to see a therapist for all my food issues and to finally get over the fat as protection setting. No one will want or notice me if I am fat. I don’t deserve to be wanted or noticed. When I was at my lowest weight, I hated the attention. I didn’t want people looking at my chest. I would totally get rid of my chest if I could.
Now, it is probably my fears and my thinking that keep me from a relationship. In the back of my mind, I think I am unworthy and why would anyone love me if I am fat? Something in me seeks being alone but it makes me miserable. I need to be around people.
I want to step on a scale and not have my whole life come crumbling down based on what I see. People have told me how much I change from talkative and bubbly to unhappy and miserable after I step on that inanimate object that has so much control.
Here’s to a better tomorrow and a step forward.
I am really excited about my appointment at MEDA. I am hopeful that it will finally tackle some of my demons that years of therapy has not touched.
Today, I felt ok. I was alone in the office, which makes it hard for me to concentrate. I do better with people around. I did get a half hour in on the elliptical at lunch because I really needed to go food shopping tonight. As a whole, it was a 100% improvement over yesterday. I will take it.
Tune in tomorrow for another giveaway. Yes, I would do it tonight but I am knackered. (I love that word. I should do a 5 Things: Words I Love)
Did you know that Angry Birds updated and added levels on their Android version the other day? No, well now you do. Just when I had gotten through everything and was going in to find the few eggs I am missing by getting 3 stars everywhere. The pig should have a black hat. Bad guys always wear black hats!
Today started out good. I got up on time! I was in a relatively good mood despite being single on Valentine’s Day. The good mood lasted until about 10 am when I got a call from my brother, who informed me that Dad was going by ambulance to the emergency room.
<Sigh>
He was feeling drunk and for him, that is a sign that he might be having another stroke. I could not leave work so instead I sat there worrying. He was just sent home and he did not have a stroke.
I had to leave work early for an ob/gyn appointment. Fun times on Valentine’s Day. First disappointment, I was weighed. It was 10 pounds over my previous weigh int. While I was waiting, all this pent up worry was released over the scale. I was trying hard not to cry. I wish there was an opt out of weighing in at the doctor’s office.
My doctor told me that I should not have kids. At 37, while I would like kid, I am beginning to think it is not in the cards for me. That just made me incredibly sad. I love kids. I want kids. Another sad thing.
Then the doctor said that since I am at high risk for endometrial cancer, which given my history, is true. So he said he wanted to do a biopsy and if it was ok to do it today. It was but I was not prepared for the pain I would be in. It hurt and still does.
I had wanted to go to the gym after the appointment but I was in a lot of pain, so I just went home and watched My Life Is A Zoo.
I have had a tough week. I have been down more then up but I am really working on turning that around. Today I thought I would focus on 5 things that make me happy:
1. Being done with a knitting project. This was Smitten with Mittens from Knit Simple’s Knitting Workshop magazine knit with Lamb’s Pride Worsted in Forest Shadows. I love the different hues of green in the yarn. I will have to get another skein and make a hat or something to wear with them.
I can see one of the joins was at a purl in the ribbing and a little stretched but I don’t mind.
2. Bruch or meeting up with friends. I went to The Common Man in Windham NH for brunch this morning. They have a brunch buffet and we ate up in their lounge area. I loved the cute lounge. Yes it might be a little over the top but it was cozy and I want to go back to play a game and have drink if I am in the area again.
3. Kittens
Aren’t they cute?
4. FX Camera. I love playing with this app. Here’s Boots in SymmetriCam mood:
5. My new hair. Friends told me to spice up my hair so my hair stylist put really red highlights in. I am getting used to it. 
Angela is the winner! I will be contacting you to get your address.
Stay tuned because I will have another giveaway on Monday! I know crazy!
Once again, I barely woke up in time to get to my appointment. I rushed out of bed at 8:15, hopped into the shower, quickly washed, fed the cat, partially dried the hair and brushed the teeth. Then I was out the door to my appointment.
My therapy appointment was productive. I talked and talked. We talked about my eating issues and my breakdown over the scale on Wednesday. She really thought I should not be weighing in every week. I can not handle it. I sort of agree. We talked about how food is my loneliness remedy and it does not make me feel good. At the end, she suggested I talk to Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association.
When I got to work, my boss cornered me. She said that my lateness has got to stop and she said my attitude has been bad. The lateness was bothering me more. I am an early bird. I used to arrive a lot earlier then her. Now, I can barely get out of bed. I told her that. I said I was sorry for the attitude though I am often told I look mad when I am not. I told her I am overwhelmed, unhappy at work and that my life was falling apart and a mess. I said that everyone expects so much from me and I can’t live up to their expectations.
I started to cry and when I cry I get all stuffed up and red and am not pretty. She said she understood. I said I am having trouble concentrating at work. I told her I thought my sleeping problems were a mix of the depression and the Topamax I take for my headaches at night. She suggested I cut the pill in half. My boss then told me that my hair was so pretty today and what did I do differently.
After I got myself together and stopped crying, I called MEDA. I am going to go have an evaluation on Wednesday afternoon. The cost is $80 and the first evaluation is not covered by insurance. I really would like to get into a support group. My therapist and I thought OA would be a little too harsh for me so first, I want to go this route.
I also changed my Med Doctor appointment. My therapist and I also thought that yes it was time to maybe change my medicine.
When I left my appointment, I found that someone had hit my side mirror on my car and took the back off, cracked the holder and the mirror. I have to get handled quickly because my car needs to be inspected this month. Just another thing that will cost money and something to worry about.
I think that next time I see the Med Doctor that I should explore changing up my meds. Currently, I take the generic forms of Prozac and Wellbutrin. They really helped me. From when I first started this blog I could tell how sad, down and very depressed I was. In the almost 3 years that I have been writing about my struggles, I have gone from a low time to a content time.
Over the last month or so, I know that I am sliding down a slippery slope. I can not get out of bed for anything even for things I want to do on the weekend. I have really been beating myself up and believing it. I sometimes would rather be alone then around people.
I found this “Are You Depressed?” check list from Helpguide.org:
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.
Yep, I think it is time to fiddle with the meds. I did not need the list to know I was depressed but it hit home when I looked.
Tomorrow morning, I have my therapy appointment. I have some stuff to talk about for sure.
I have had a killer headache today. I haven’t had one like this since I have been taking the Topamax. I think I am going to give in and take one the pain pills I was prescribed before I go to bed. Plus my ears were ringing. I wonder who was talking about me?
Don’t forget to enter my giveaway. It is easy just leave a comment about your favorite vegetable.
I went to a Super Bowl party yesterday with Secret Sister. I really just wanted to watch the game, the commercials and just have a decent time without the pressure. Secret Sister kept putting on pressure. She kept telling me that I wasn’t talking enough, even though she was talking to a bunch of other people and not me. She kept harping on it over and over. I said that why don’t you talk to me?
I really just wanted to watch the game. That is why I should have stayed home. Can’t a girl watch football in peace?
What I wanted to talk about, she didn’t want to. I tried to talk about why I loved the Chrysler commercial and how it was my favorite. She wanted none of that. She was not letting up on the harassing me that I ended up leaving and walking home. I didn’t want to call a cab. I just felt like walking. Sometimes she drives me a little crazy.I love her but I am not like her and my father. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk!
Besides, the guys who were sitting around me in the bar were getting the wrong idea about me when I did talk to them. I am not like that. I just want to watch the game! No, I am not interested your after game activities. Gah! Is it something I do?
Tonight, on my walk home from the subway, my mind was aflutter with thoughts. I have been struggling lately in the self esteem and hopelessness. I sort of feel trapped in Groundhog Day, only it is a different day everyday. Go to work, come home, sleep, etc., most days. It struck me that I have very little hope for the future.
I know that this might be the my depression rearing its ugly head. After all, one of the major symptoms of depression is hopelessness and pessimism. I was thinking that this will be my life for the next forty years. Work for the big company and come home to an empty apartment and my cats until I am 80. The thought depresses me greatly. I honestly think that this is what my life will be. As if a relapse was not totally recognizable in my life lately, this is one big red stop sign. Changing my thinking is hard. I want to have hope but I am tired of being hurt.
I did some good stuff over the weekend and I have a giveaway for you all.
On Saturday night, I had the opportunity to try Green Giant Broccoli & Cheese Sauce. This is something I would normally not buy so it was a little treat that I had with dinner.
Since I cook just for myself, when it comes to vegetables, I tend to use an old Tupperware steamer that was given to me a while ago and just steam some broccoli or lately, roast Brussels sprouts, my new addiction, with whatever I was baking. This was very easy to cook. Just put it in the microwave for a few minutes and you’ve got some broccoli with cheese sauce.
I served it with skinless, boneless chicken thighs baked with some Mango Chipotle BBQ sauce from Hannaford’s. The sauce was very good with the baked chicken.
The sauce with the broccoli was good as I love cheese sauce. It is something I would buy again as a treat. The problem was that it was so good that I ate both of the servings in the box. Oops.
Thanks to Green Giant and MyBlogSpark have given me this set to give to one of my readers. I like the insulated tote for frozen stuff from the grocery store and the bowl is a great size. Not to big or small and with the spoon is cute, in my opinion.
If you’d like to win, just leave a comment with your favorite vegetable and I’ll pick a winner on Friday, Unfortunately, this is only good for my readers in the USA. Sorry, I love all of you though.
I was given the box of vegetables and a prize pack from the generous people at Green Giant and MyBlogSpark. The opinions expressed are 100% my own.
I am off to do my taxes. I hope I get a refund!
Today, along with some wonderful ladies, I climbed 41 floors, 82 flights of stairs, 789 steps all in support of the Lung Association in the Race Up Boston Place. It was my 4th year doing the race. Today’s 5 things is some things you may or may not want to do:
1. Wake up with plenty of time to get ready!
Oops. I over slept! Ugh. I didn’t even hear my alarm. I really need someone to push me out of bed. When you are supposed to meet your friends at 11 am and realize in a flurry of OMGs! that it is 10 am.
2. Make sure you eat and drink something.
I would have eaten breakfast like I had planned but well, I had to force a pill down Boot’s mouth and get dressed and race into Boston so no coffee or anything for Jen.
3. Get intimidated by the building.
Do not look up at the building you are climbing!
It won’t intimidate me!
4. Don’t listen to the little devil on your shoulder telling you that you can’t. I could and did.
5. The view from the top is sweet!
I completed the climb in 20 minutes and a few seconds. The results aren’t posted yet. It is almost 4 minutes better than last year!
If you are in Boston, you should do it with me next year. 
I am going to have a giveaway tomorrow. Stay tuned!
Remember how I said Boots has been acting weird? Well, this morning, I stumbled into the bathroom half asleep and without my glasses to what I thought was something that had fallen into the bathtub. Unfortunately, it was urine with blood in it from Boots.
That was straw that said something is seriously wrong. He has been excessively grooming his nether region and has been really straining to go to the bathroom when he was peeing in the box. Not good. So, instead of going into work, I took him, at the urging of my vet’s office, to the animal hospital.
After ultrasounds, blood tests, urine samples and other tests, it was found that he has a lot of grit in his bladder and urethra. Male cats have a very small urethra and it is a common problem the vet told me. For that and a $1,000, I have a sick meowing kitty.
He is my buddy. He has been with me through some dark times and has really brought me some happiness. I don’t know what my life would be now and if I would have gotten the help if I did not get Boots. He helped me a lot.
I gained .8 this week. I’ll take it. Two things conspired against me this morning but I know that given the WI, I can out ahead. I got my period last night and I woke up this morning and my calves were so sore that I could hardly walk. I did not want to step on the scale but I did and I accept the number.
My big problem lately is loneliness eating. The weather here in Boston has been snow storm after snowstorm. I have a problem when I spend a lot of time alone, which is what happens when it has been snowing. Boots is great company but he is not a human and does not talk back.
After being basically alone at work yesterday to coming home in the snow to an empty apartment and working from home today, I know I get depressed when alone for long periods of time. I used to think I belonged alone and I was best alone but now, I am sure that is not true. Just having someone to talk to or play a game with would be great. Maybe because Valentine’s Day is around the corner and the weather has been so terrible lately that it just intensifies it.
I know that the rodent Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow today so spring should come soon but I am seriously skeptical.
On a different note, I am participating in the Race Up Boston Place on Saturday to raise money for the Lung Association. If you have a dollar or two to spare and would like to here is the link to my fundraising page. Thank you!