Last night, I stared at my blank Live Writer entry and could not put my feelings down. I was feeling pretty shitty, thinking horrible things about myself and I wanted to write about it but I could not. I wanted to get it out of my head, purged but I kept it close instead.
I have never been one to shy away from my depression and lack of self love here. Last night was a first. I felt that I was falling down the hole of depression again. I felt unlovable, hopeless, stuck….I wanted to curl up and sleep forever.
I feel better today.
I hate it. Depression is a hole that I can never fully get out of. A shadow that follows me around, sometimes closer and sometimes from a distance. I am beginning to know my triggers like pain, disappointment, fear, loneliness.
I try to point out good stuff about myself when I notice it, hoping that it brings me up. One day at time. My therapy appointment is tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to also talk about it and work it out of my system.