Monday, November 14, 2011

On The Hamster Wheel

Today was a kick in the stomach to my self esteem.

I had my last nutrition appointment at the hospital where they weighed me. I could tell that it was not good. The look on her face was not good. She took me into the room and basically to my convoluted mind, said yeah you stayed the same. Fail. No surgery date for you.

FAIL.

Yep. I left that appointment beating myself up, thinking about how I fail at everything. All day long I ruminated over it, chewing it up, down and around. It brought its friends, ugly and stupid along as well.

It makes me thing how precarious this self esteem thing is. How one bump sets me back. Thirty plus years of thinking one way is difficult to change but with constant reminders, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Do you have any tips on kicking yourself off of the hamster wheel on days like today?

4 comments:

  1. Think of all the appreciations you have earned ever. And try to become the same, cos that was also you, and so is this. You can choose to be the other you anytime

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  2. I believe, "self belief" is the anchor and repertition is the wind that will fill your sails. If you needed a reminder that you wanted to change and have the ability, then just reread the last but one paragraph of your post. "You can teach an old dog new tricks." Seems to me you've already set sail :-)

    Onwards and upwards, best wishes Spanner.

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  3. Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. It was at that point I jumped off the wheel.

    Think of you, Jen, and giving you a big hug x P

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  4. Yes, self-esteem is a very precarious and elusive thing, isn't it? I've struggled with it as long as I can remember. Every once in a while I see someone who doesn't seem to have this problem, and I wonder how they do it.

    Some say that self-compassion is a more useful idea than self-esteem. You can't force yourself to think or feel a certain way about yourself, but you can be kind to yourself. The whole idea of compassion--for others and for myself--seems to be helping me. I found the book The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert very useful.

    Hang in there, Jen. Thank you for sharing your story.

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