Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Support Wednesday: Name Calling

The sleep study went well! As well as it could be. I fell asleep though woke up with a lot of leg pain and had a hard time falling back to sleep but I did. The tech has said that if I had apnea before 1 am, she would have put the mask on me. She did not. She said after 3 am, she would also put the mask on me if I needed it and well, it was not put on. Dad has been bugging me to get a sleep study for a long time and I can finally tell him that I do not have apnea. I do wonder if I have a disorder but I will find out in 2 weeks. Dad’s diagnosis and sleeping with the C-PAP saved his life. He was up to 90 apneas an hour! He would have had a coronary 15 years ago otherwise.

I have some Mom news. Before the cruise, we decided to get her into a hospice program. Hospice is not for people immediately dying. They would give her a hospice nurse, someone to sit with her and help her. She would still be at the nursing home. I went with my father to talk to the social worker about hospice and we gave it the go ahead. Do you have any experience with hospice in this situation? Did you find it helpful?

The social worker was shocked that we had said yes to the feeding tube. The doctor put so much pressure on us to say yes or now right then and there. The thought of Mom starving to death was horrible, so we said yes. She was chewing her food and not swallowing and not getting many nutrients. These things are really a huge trigger for me lately. Seeing Mom and seeing the feeding iv going whenever I am there. She is like constantly on the iv. She’s gained about 2 pounds since starting the tube. It is so hard to visit now. She just looks at you and I wonder what is going on in her mind.

It was good to talk about Mom tonight as well. It gets something that is hard out of me.

Tonight’s meeting went well. I talked about some of the things that happened this week and how I tend to start blaming myself. I totally blame the victim. I start this endless loop of insults that I would NEVER say to anyone else. Why would I inflict this on myself?

I have talked about this is my disordered mind thinking that it will protect me. If I just blame myself, I won’t have to feel anything.

I also mentioned that instead of binging, I barely ate this week. I found myself not eat dinner, then not eating breakfast and barely eating lunch. That is so not good either. Three meals Jennifer, 3 meals a day.

We had to talk about 2 positive things about ourselves. For me, I can come up with a list a mile long on my negatives but positives, not so much.  I said I am good at trivia, specifically history, geography and some sports. I enjoy it too. I don’t feel bad about losing when I play trivia because I like it. Anyone in Boston looking for a new trivia player? Smile

My second thing was the fact that if I put my mind to it, I can talk to anyone at anytime anywhere. I go to blogging conferences not knowing a soul and when I leave, I have new friends. I am so looking forward to Blogher, which is a few weeks away. I may talk about being introverted but somewhere deep inside me, an extravert lurks.  I like my extraverted self.

I can’t stress how helpful these meetings are to me. I know that sometimes I drivel on but really, it is a huge release to talk about these things.

This post was a bit long but the stuff just pours out of my head. Seriously.

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