Today was the day of the dreaded yearly physical to keep my health insurance for 2012. I had a lot of anxiety about the appointment. I was afraid of the weight talk but I told her I was in treatment for binge eating disorder and the support groups that I attend. She seemed happy that I had taken that step.
She was concerned that I would stop going to the meetings after the cruise but really, they are such an integral part of my week that I really look forward to Wednesday nights.
I started the appointment by telling the nurse that I would be weighing in backwards and to not tell me the number. She was happy to oblige me. The doctor did not mention the number either. I thought I would get through the appointment without seeing that number.
I was wrong. I checked out. I am going to have a sleep study because of my difficulty waking up in the mornings. I also needed to make another appointment and get blood drawn. Well, the clerk printed out a number of pages for me to take and the top page of the the little packet was the number, my BMI and their lifestyle recommendations.
My heart sank. I could feel the tears coming and the horrible things I think about myself ruminating in my head. That number was horrible and I am almost back to where I was 10 years ago. Maybe if I just not eat, it will all go away.
I came home and tweeted for a little bit. A NUMBER WILL NOT DEFINE ME OR CONTROL ME. I kept saying that over and over in my head. I always say I will not let it bother me but in reality, it devastates me.
I went out to get the mail and on the porch was my tankini that I ordered from Land’s End. I decided to try it on immediately to make sure it fit. I also decided to display some swimsuit confidence. I was not part of Land’s End promotion and I was not recruited to show swimsuit confidence. I am going on a cruise next week and needed a swimsuit.
I will not comment.
Here’s the top up close.
I am taking a big step posting these pictures here and the thoughts going through my mind are nothing but critical. I am going to wear the suit on the cruise. I will bring the sunscreen of course.
I bought another dress. I love this Michael Kors dress but the picture from my phone leaves a lot to be desired. I can wear it to work or out. I like dresses because they are the whole outfit. Easy on, easy off.
I really liked this dress until I saw the side view and asked myself when the baby was due. I love the shirt hanging up. If it was on sale, I would have gotten it but at $69, I could not justify it.