Today was one of those “I am unworthy” days. I wasn’t feeling good and I just felt hopeless. That I will be single forever. I will be an old lady with cats. Not that cats are bad but I do not want to be on the Animal Hoarders show that seem to have a lot of older ladies with cats.
The hopeless feeling is something I can’t seem to lose.
The definition of hopeless per the Merriam –Webster Dictionary is:
a : having no expectation of good or success : despairing
b : not susceptible to remedy or cure
c : incapable of redemption or improvement
a : giving no ground for hope : desperate
b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment :impossible
Having no expectation of good or success is what constantly haunts me. Failure. My life is a big failure as it is. I am not good enough to marry or date. I’ll never have kids. I can’t seem to break free from the constant family problems and what is good, will always turn bad. My mind doesn’t seem right.
Will that ever change? I hope so.
Tonight, what really spurred this on was driving past Quincy High School’s graduation. The graduates weren’t alive when I graduated from high school 20 years ago. I am old enough to be their mother. I feel like I am getting older and time is running out.
Like losing weight, getting married nor having kids will not solve my problems. Life did not magically get better when I lost weight. I am still the same person with the same mind. None of my goals will really make me happy. It has to come from within.