Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hopelessness

Today was one of those “I am unworthy” days. I wasn’t feeling good and I just felt hopeless. That I will be single forever. I will be an old lady with cats. Not that cats are bad but I do not want to be on the Animal Hoarders show that seem to have a lot of older ladies with cats.

The hopeless feeling is something I can’t seem to lose. 

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The definition of hopeless per the Merriam –Webster Dictionary is:

a : having no expectation of good or success : despairing

b : not susceptible to remedy or cure

c : incapable of redemption or improvement

2

a : giving no ground for hope : desperate

b : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment :impossible

Having no expectation of good or success is what constantly haunts me. Failure. My life is a big failure as it is. I am not good enough to marry or date. I’ll never have kids. I can’t seem to break free from the constant family problems and what is good, will always turn bad. My mind doesn’t seem right.

Will that ever change? I hope so.

Tonight, what really spurred this on was driving past Quincy High School’s graduation. The graduates weren’t alive when I graduated from high school 20 years ago. I am old enough to be their mother. I feel like I am getting older and time is running out.

Like losing weight, getting married nor having kids will not solve my problems. Life did not magically get better when I lost weight. I am still the same person with the same mind. None of my goals will really make me happy. It has to come from within.

6 comments:

  1. Don't lose hope, all good things are possible.:)

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  2. It really does come from within and recognising it is important so you are on your way!
    Negative thinking is hard to overcome. I still struggle with it sometimes. Just realising you won't always feel this way can help change attitude.
    Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. I woke up with similar feelings today too. All we can really do is try and move forward.

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  4. *HUG* I am listening, and thinking about you. I was in this place last night. I was better today. I hope you wake up feeling more worthy of love and have more hope. *HUG* again!!

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  5. I hate when everything seems wrong. All we can do is grit our teeth and try to remember "this too shall pass"

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  6. Oh, Jen. I'm sorry you were feeling this way. Have you read THE FOUR AGREEMENTS and THE POWER OF NOW? Both address dealing with and keeping the past in perspective. We can hear this a hundred times a day (I know!) and still have trouble believing/accepting it's truth: The past does not have to define who we are today. If you haven't read them. Check them out. *hug to you*

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