It’s Wednesday, so because I will probably be talking about all the stuff in my head, I am going to call Wednesdays “Support Wednesday:”.
Tonight we focused a lot on relationships. I talked about the pressure I feel sometimes to find someone. Yet, that someone might interfere a bit with my recovery. Guys tend to complicate things, for me anyways. When I was dating the poofer, things went haywire. I was binging a lot. Probably because things weren’t quite right and I knew it but I just wanted to be with someone.
I am lonely. For what I don’t know. Something to fill the void that food filled. Not necessarily romance. I am not really sure.
Yet, I am independent. I can go anywhere, at anytime, with anyone at a moments notice. I have an apartment, a cat, a job, a car, friends and for the most part, outside of my crazy self, I am satisfied with life. I wish I could think normally but that will come.
How the eating disorder is kind of the third person in a relationship. Maybe the 4th for me, depression was sort of like the 3rd person, the shadow, lurking in the corners. I still somewhat describe myself with depression. I am more then depression. Yes, I suffer. Yes, there are good days and bad days. Depression is an illness. It is not a defining part, or at least it shouldn’t be, a defining characteristic of me.
I leave the meetings feeling better then I do when I get there. I felt pretty good going in today so I left on a high side. It felt good. I can be happy.
The moderators of the group gave a DBT pamphlet and I can tell that I will find that very usual in dealing with lots of behaviors. I will have to talk about it soon.
Unfortunately, when I got home, I was starving and started to put whatever I could in my mouth. I could not stop until I took a breath and my mind said STOP! Enough Jennifer. I was way low on the hunger scale. My mind was also on overload with the meeting in my head.
The next minute is a new chance….