Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Slippery Slope

I have been struggling this week. When asked at the meeting tonight to give my temperature on a scale of one to ten and I gave a 4, it was being a bit optimistic. This week has been tough on the self esteem. I feel fairly terrible about myself. It is another lather, rinse and blow dry with the ugly thoughts.

We also discussed how you know when you are going downhill, I could chime right in.

I wouldn’t pick something up that Boots had knocked over.

I can’t face the day and have been late to work so many times in the last month that I almost lost my job. This from someone who had to be early every day of her life.

I don’t care what I look like. I am ugly anyways, why bother?

That bill can wait to be paid.

Thought of becoming a hermit again that I really just want to come home every night and do nothing and see no one. It has been really hard to get out there. I have no self confidence and I have been ultra sensitive lately.

I feel defeated, overwhelmed, lonely, ugly, stupid, fat, like a nothing.

Sometimes I wish I would not be honest with myself on here. Reading this makes me sad. I pour my heart out on here and I know it helps me. It is an up and down roller coaster this blog but a life line for me in times like this. This would all be ruminating in my brain until it drove me crazy.

I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t let people walk all over me. MRI guy called me last night and I did not recognize the number so I answered the call. I was thinking why are you calling me? But that is not what was coming out of my mouth. I was thinking that I really had nothing in common with you and I am not interested. When he asked if I was free this weekend I said “Maybe Saturday.” What kind of answer is that?

I can everything to my family. I can’t do this for Dad one night, taxes for Jimmy and Secret Sister on two separate nights when I do not take care of myself.

When people talk to me about their problems, I really try to help and sympathize with them meanwhile, I am totally tearing myself apart.

Again today I was not feeling well after my appointment and my brain went right along with my physical pain.

My one lesson today is this this:

 

Is absolutely disgusting. I made the mistake of getting the Big and Toasty Sandwich for breakfast because I was hungry and desperate for a coffee. Never again. Very fake oily, not toasted enough, salty….I should have just gotten the flatbread and save a zillion calories.

3 comments:

  1. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better for you. But please know these facts:
    You are awesome! I have so enjoyed getting to know you☺
    You are beautiful! (I am so jealous of your freckles and red hair!)
    I KNOW how you feel and where you are coming from. Seriously I do. I fight with these same issues EVERYDAY! This posting could very easily be on my blog!
    Just know that I am glad I stumbled into your life! You ROCK!

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  2. ((HUGS)) Jen. You are beautiful and wonderful and your honesty makes life better for your readers.

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  3. Jen, I really feel for you. I'm glad you wrote this and continue to post, because although it is so emotional to write it forces you to confront your issues. It has been a lifeline for me as well. And your such a good writer. Unfortunately, a lot of women including myself can relate to everything that your saying. I hope we both can figure out a way to overcome our negative self-image! I wish you so much luck in this battle.

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