Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Perfection?

It’s Wednesday so it is support group day. I leave the meetings with my brain buzzing about all that was talked about in a good way. 

One topic discussed was how people with disordered eating are perfectionists. At first I thought, nah, there are too many things that are out of whack with my life that now, I am not one. With more thinking however, I am totally one.

I expect perfection:

1. On the scale. Any non-loss is a HUGE setback. A HUGE failure. A reason to totally believe I am a horrible, ugly, stupid, fat excuse of a person.  I have stayed away from it even though it beckons me once in a while.

2. My family. I have to perfectly handle everything. I am the peacemaker. I am the decision maker. I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying.

3. Up until recently, I had to be early for everything. I was the one to always get the table, if it was going to be crowded event or arrive at a party early. This late thing lately is screwing me up.

4. Recycling. I have to recycle. God forbid something is thrown out that could be recycled.

6. Self compassion. I have none. I am a total perfectionist/slacker about myself. I fail and beat myself up which makes me try some more to fail and beat myself up. I strive to be perfect at work. Anything I fail at is a reason to go off on myself. I am a perfectionist at picking on myself.

Which means other things sort of slack. I am ok with that but this I have to let go of some of the things above. My shoving food in me is a sort of rebellion. I can do this and for about a millisecond things will be better then it begins.

I made an appointment with a nutritionist that can help with a plan to beat this. The first visit is free and I will go and check it out Monday night. It is right about the corner from me.  They also offer things like boot camp classes and such but for now, I need a nutrition who can help disordered eating.

I always feel better after my Wednesday meetings. It helps to talk to other people.

5 comments:

  1. I found your blog through nhershoes. How are you? I'm Michelle and I can relate to a lot of what you are posting about. I have huge issues with food and everyday is a constant struggle. I hope this gets better.... for you and for me.

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  2. Oh I can SO relate to the perfectionism! And the overeating. And the lack of self compassion. And the family issues. Heck, let's just say I can relate to every single word of this post. Good luck with the nutritionist.

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  3. i'm a perfectionist too. this blogger that i read is currently in the middle of a whole series on it her url is http://www.godspeakstoday.net/

    i'm interested to hear about the nutritionist. i would love to visit on, although i'm not sure how to go about it.

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  4. Although I have always denied having food issues but probably do. I do have a weight issue and a major depression issue and I understand the perfectionism. Since I don't have food issues (ha ha) I have no desire to see a nutritionist. The truth is I like my junk food. I am however trying to do something about the artist inside me, to encourage her because I know she's in there I just tell her she's not talented enough.

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  5. OMFGosh...I TOTALLY understand what you're going through -.- It's hard and I have no self compassion either. If I gain weight or don't lose any I get frustrated and as soon as that happens I start eating like mad...everything that I can grab for, finds its way into my mouth and down my throat which makes me end up in a vicious circle of self-loathing and even more eating. Because I'm ugly, fat and weak...and obviously don't deserve to be pretty and happy due to my lack of discipline =( I HATE it.
    I blame myself for my weakness...although I know that it's not entirely my fault...that meds and depression have something to do with my weight issues too, but I can't help myself.

    And the most difficult thing for me has always been...when do you reach the point that turns disordered eating into an eating disorder??

    And the funny thing is: how is a person like me supposed to go to a school for dietitians? That's ridiculous-.- I guess I've chosen the wrong job =(

    Anyways....all that I do is talking about me^^....I wish YOU just the best on your way to lose some weight. I know you can make it =)

    xoxo

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