My brain wandered into territory it hasn’t visited in a while. I thought about how if I disappeared, no one would miss me.
My brain went on to think that if this is forever, why bother?
It just make sad to type this. I am not really sure what brought these thoughts on. Why can’t my brain think like normal? Why can’t I be normal? Why did my path have to be like this?
I went to the gym after work tonight. My back started to hurt when I was on the elliptical so I switched to one of the bikes. The gym I go to is having a birthday celebration on Saturday with some cool classes. I am definitely going to try one or two. Working out does not make me feel better but at least I get my mind off how horrible I am for a while.
I didn’t get to see Mom this weekend, which really made me feel guilty. I miss having a Mom I can talk to about this sort of stuff. Dad is great but sometimes you just need your Mom.
I am just going to take one day at a time until I get to the doctors.
There was an article about going easy on yourself in the New York Times. I need to stop being myself up, calling myself names that I would not call anyone else, bringing myself down. I am going to pre-order this book, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristen Neff on Amazon. I need a lot of help in this department. It can’t hurt, right?
I can keep searching until I find it.