Monday, March 7, 2011

My Depressed Brain

My brain wandered into territory it hasn’t visited in a while. I thought about how if I disappeared, no one would miss me.

Crazy right?

My brain went on to think that if this is forever, why bother?

It just make sad to type this. I am not really sure what brought these thoughts on. Why can’t my brain think like normal? Why can’t I be normal? Why did my path have to be like this?

I went to the gym after work tonight. My back started to hurt when I was on the elliptical so I switched to one of the bikes. The gym I go to is having a birthday celebration on Saturday with some cool classes. I am definitely going to try one or two. Working out does not make me feel better but at least I get my mind off how horrible I am for a while.

I didn’t get to see Mom this weekend, which really made me feel guilty. I miss having a Mom I can talk to about this sort of stuff. Dad is great but sometimes you just need your Mom.

I am just going to take one day at a time until I get to the doctors.

There was an article about going easy on yourself in the New York Times. I need to stop being myself up, calling myself names that I would not call anyone else, bringing myself down. I am going to pre-order this book, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristen Neff on Amazon.  I need a lot of help in this department. It can’t hurt, right?

I can keep searching until I find it.

4 comments:

  1. i, for one, would miss you if you disappeared.

    and i feel that way a lot. i totally get it, and it's really scary to think about.

    you are not a horrible person. you are wonderful.

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  2. nice to meet you! (even if both of our blogs are rather serious today)

    i have to say the more people i meet and truly get to know, the more i think those "normal" people are really good at faking it.

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  3. Jen...hang in there. You know there are many people out there (myself included) with brains that wander over into "no one would even come to my funeral" territory. Your brain is just trying to trick you...none of that nonsense is true. Keep writing...I wish you strength.
    http://sweetknittins.blogspot.com/

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  4. Hi Jen, thank you for sharing so much.:) I am following you from BF.
    http://mental-health-issues-madison.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete

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