When I was young, I used to read a lot and write stories. My memory isn’t clear on what I wrote about but it was probably mushy stuff a 9 year old writes about. Reading was a way to escape from what was going in my life. I could transport myself somewhere else to forget about Mom’s hoarding or Dad’s yelling. It worked. It still does.
So now I am on Good Reads and I am trying to rate all the books I have read and I can’t remember them all from the last 5 years. There are loads and loads of lists to go through and occasionally I remember one that I read. It’s very daunting. I could spend hours looking over the site.
Tonight’s support group went well. I left feeling better then I was coming in. I can tell the truth there, much like here. They don’t judge. I am really getting something out of the meetings. I can talk about the other half of me that really wants me down and out. I can talk about how that number on the scale totally controls me. I am afraid to step on a scale.
I talked tonight about my wanting to be healthy because I am very much like my father and I do not want all of the problems he has when I am his age. How do I go about that without really triggering a lot of bad disordered behavior? It would be even worse then it is now, which is not good. What is it about weight loss that brings out such self-hatred? What will I replace food with? Alcohol? Writing?
Those are a lot of questions.