Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Do I Deserve Happiness?

Tonight in my group, I talked about how my brain somehow thinks it is best to wallow in misery, to be prepared for the inevitable let down. The part of my brain that thinks that it will all go wrong so don’t get your hopes up is very active right now.

Happiness has always been fleeting with the inevitable journey back to misery and disappointment.  I have prepared myself for the let down like a kid expecting to go to the amusement park only to be told that something went wrong and it can’t happen. I will mentally prepare myself for that disappointed feeling now so I won’t have to deal with it later.

I want to be happy. I don’t want to think things will always go wrong. Why can’t I get these two sides of my brain to connect?

It goes along with my thinking, that started as a kid, that if I am fat no one will love me. No one will want to touch me. No one will pay attention to me. I was preparing myself for what was sure to come. Were the actions of grade school boys, who used to try to grab me and touch me, so something that I want no part of it now? One side of me would be very content never being with a man again.

But yet I am desperately lonely. I miss being in a relationship. I miss it very much and want it very much.

These two Jekyll and Hyde sides of me are in constant conflict with one another. Which will win?

Another thing, when I wrote about wanting to binge but there was nothing to binge on in the house. I was using a coping mechanism. Who knew?

I will be working on a book club blog this week. I am excited! Really, I can’t wait. Stop on by Jodi’s blog and check out her list of books.  I will have a list of books tomorrow.

My mood was better today. The extra Wellbutrin has been ok so far. Pains were moderate. I actually took some ibuprofrin today. Imagine that! It helped.

They discovered a clot that was going from Dad’s heart to his brain, while he was in the hospital. His afibrillation is coming to life. So on top of pneumonia there is that. They are treating it with aspirin. If he was on Coumadin and he had another stroke like he had this summer, he would bleed to death. Another thing to worry about.

4 comments:

  1. **YAY** for a better mood yesterday! Hold on to that and hopefully today will follow suit! I know what you are going thru (trust me I KNOW!) and I am praying you get better too!
    I can't wait to see your book list!! I am so excited for this too! It seems like so far there may be 5 of us!!!!

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  2. Hey Jen,
    I'm the exact same way, always preparing for the worst outcome. Anyone can tell me what I'm thinking isn't rational and I know that but I just can't help it. I don't know about you but I find that I always have to think negative in order for something good to happen. I guess that's just part of my mental illness.
    Melissa

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  3. hey, Jen. a lot of us are always waiting for the shoe to drop - even when things are going great, there is always this impending sense of doom. you're definitely not alone thinking this way at all. when i used to go to OA meetings, it was a common theme when people would share.

    as far as being in a relationship? i think i finally found my groove when i realized i didn't NEED to be in one to be happy, and was happiest when i CHOSE to be in a relationship. before that, i felt very unfulfilled when i was with someone, and had these feelings of fear, doubt, and insecurity thinking that he was going to want to move on as soon as someone better came along. but my own insecurities were what made me unattractive, nothing more.

    you are doing some great work, kid! keep it up - i can see your growth in your posts, even though they are tough to write - you definitely need to.

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  4. Jen...you inspire me with your writing...and that you bring yourself to share what you're going through, whether you're feeling up or down. Keep it up. I love reading your posts. Also, I wanted to let you know that I moved (was Knittin' Girl...now Lost Girl...) I had to abandon my old blog but started a new one at http://bpdonamission.blogspot.com/ I hope you will follow me there. Take care. Lots of strength...

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