Tonight in my group, I talked about how my brain somehow thinks it is best to wallow in misery, to be prepared for the inevitable let down. The part of my brain that thinks that it will all go wrong so don’t get your hopes up is very active right now.
Happiness has always been fleeting with the inevitable journey back to misery and disappointment. I have prepared myself for the let down like a kid expecting to go to the amusement park only to be told that something went wrong and it can’t happen. I will mentally prepare myself for that disappointed feeling now so I won’t have to deal with it later.
I want to be happy. I don’t want to think things will always go wrong. Why can’t I get these two sides of my brain to connect?
It goes along with my thinking, that started as a kid, that if I am fat no one will love me. No one will want to touch me. No one will pay attention to me. I was preparing myself for what was sure to come. Were the actions of grade school boys, who used to try to grab me and touch me, so something that I want no part of it now? One side of me would be very content never being with a man again.
But yet I am desperately lonely. I miss being in a relationship. I miss it very much and want it very much.
These two Jekyll and Hyde sides of me are in constant conflict with one another. Which will win?
Another thing, when I wrote about wanting to binge but there was nothing to binge on in the house. I was using a coping mechanism. Who knew?
I will be working on a book club blog this week. I am excited! Really, I can’t wait. Stop on by Jodi’s blog and check out her list of books. I will have a list of books tomorrow.
My mood was better today. The extra Wellbutrin has been ok so far. Pains were moderate. I actually took some ibuprofrin today. Imagine that! It helped.
They discovered a clot that was going from Dad’s heart to his brain, while he was in the hospital. His afibrillation is coming to life. So on top of pneumonia there is that. They are treating it with aspirin. If he was on Coumadin and he had another stroke like he had this summer, he would bleed to death. Another thing to worry about.