Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Liberation

I was excited yet nervous for my appointment today. After 37 years of some strange habits, some are hard to let go of but I want to lose weight the healthy way. I want to be kind to myself and not binge when things don’t go right or I am lonely.

I am going to attend a weekly support group on Wednesday nights for bulimia and binge disorders. When I would go to Weight Watchers, I was missing some support that was not provided. I wasn’t so much interested in learning the wonders of 100 calorie packs but more on some of my emotional issues. Weight Watchers did nothing for that.

It was also suggested I see a therapist who specializes in food issues and work with a nutritionist as a team with the support groups. I have known I needed to see a therapist for all my food issues and to finally get over the fat as protection setting. No one will want or notice me if I am fat. I don’t deserve to be wanted or noticed. When I was at my lowest weight, I hated the attention. I didn’t want people looking at my chest. I would totally get rid of my chest if I could.

Now, it is probably my fears and my thinking that keep me from a relationship. In the back of my mind, I think I am unworthy and why would anyone love me if I am fat? Something in me seeks being alone but it makes me miserable. I need to be around people.

I want to step on a scale and not have my whole life come crumbling down based on what I see. People have told me how much I change from talkative and bubbly to unhappy and miserable after I step on that inanimate object that has so much control.

Here’s to a better tomorrow and a step forward.

 

7 comments:

  1. Sounds like a great plan. I'll be rooting for you.

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  2. I hope it brings you the peace you're needing! And judging by what I've read in your blog (since I don't know you personally), I have to argue that you *are* worthy and deserve to be wanted!

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  3. jen - it's as if you are reading my thoughts.

    even though i'm married, i don't feel like i'm worth it and when i was close to my goal weight i started to panic because i was very uncomfortable with the attention. everyone thinks saying "you look awesome!" or the bug eyes you get from people is a good thing - it made me feel very self conscious. i didn't like it and i reverted back to my binge cycle.

    you deserve love, but you need to love who you are before you are comfortable accepting love from someone else. otherwise, you will be like me and question why all the time. and it's not a pleasant place to be in a relationship.

    i love you, and i look forward to reading about your recovery and learn from you.

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  4. Jen, I'm glad you found out about this support group - it sounds great!

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  5. I am very interested in finding a support group that deals with binging issues in the MA area that is not OA or WW. Do you have any advice on how I can find such a group?

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  6. You've just nailed the biggest issue, I think, why so many people go up and down the scale like they're practicing the piano. We have to deal with what's going on inside first. When I started making that more of a focus, I found it a lot easier to drag myself to the gym. I still have a long way to go, but I'm going to get there.

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  7. I am not sure where in Massachusetts you are but I was referred to MEDA www.medainc.org They run several support groups.

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