Monday, January 17, 2011

Insecurities

Today started out well. It was a typical day. I went to breakfast with Secret Sister. There wasn’t any fighting or barbs associated with that outing. I came home, vegged in front of the TV, knitted and watched Swamp Men and generally had a decent day off.

Then I went to a Boston Food Blogger event and was totally overwhelmed. The event was a great networking event but it brought out my insecurities. I just get totally overwhelmed and closed up. It is a fight for me to be outgoing and to go to events like Blogher and not know a soul and meet people but even that was a bit easier then tonight. I just felt different. Taller, fatter, freakier looking then anyone there.

It feels good to get it out of my mind. I left a bit early because I wanted to get home and because I am not really feeling good overall. Maybe that is what brought out the insecurity. I know it is all in my head, except maybe the taller (hard to deny that, I am 5’10 and I did have heals on) and I am fat. 

I’d just be lying to myself if I told you that I felt different. Even after I got home, the “your ugly” voice was loud in my head. I haven’t had a night like this in a while. Sometimes I feel I take 5 steps forward and two back.

I am just going to relax and watch some new Swamp Men tonight before I go to bed.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you didn't have a great time last night. It was very nice meeting you and I look forward to reading more of your blog.

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  2. Sorry to hear that. I was there too and also felt a bit overwhelmed. It was very noisy and difficult to network, although I appreciated the effort that was put into pulling the event off. You have a great blog- your honesty is very refreshing and will keep readers coming back.
    Lori D

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  3. Thank you. This blog was started as my outlet to get thoughts out of my head and to help with depression and has morphed into a bunch of things but I still keep true to why I started it.

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  4. I have a battle with the self hatred voice too.
    All I hear is " your fat and ugly, why would any body love you ". It's hard to make it stop.
    I just wanted to tell you that you have inspired me to try and loss some weight, so keep up the good work.

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