Sunday, October 31, 2010

Missing Mom

There is the ageless question of why bad things happen to good people. It perplexes me especially when I think of my parents, specifically my Mom. I took Dad to see Mom yesterday. It is always a mood killer seeing Mom. I told my therapist that no amount of psychiatric drugs could change the way I feel after I see Mom and I would not want to change the way I feel, honestly. She agreed.

Mom is going down hill so fast. The nurses keep finding her on her knees and they are not sure how she got there so they had a doctor check her out. We think she is shimmying down from her chair to the floor because she is really having trouble getting out of the chair. She needs several tries to get up. They found nothing wrong with her besides the obvious fact that her brain is dying.

What did she do to deserve this? Why couldn’t my Mom be like most other Moms?

I try to remember her similar to this:

Mom 1960S

And this:

Mom before

I’ve talked about my Mom a lot on the blog. It is such a big part of my life. Her decent into post partum depression after my brother was born and maybe late schizophrenia type of behavior changed her though now and then the old caring Mom poked through like in the above picture. She was in the early stages of dementia and loved watching the Patriots with Dad.  She’d get so worked up during the games.

The dementia would come to take the life out of her face, her ability to find words and talk, everything really. It took a lot of the family. I leave from visiting Mom and want to curl up and cry. It saps a lot out of me to sit with her for 30 minutes when she won’t look at me or talk to me. I don’t really care that she can’t remember who I am since it was bound to happen but fighting to take away a book so she will look at you is a mental challenge. That book is more important to her.

Dad and I talked about how this Thanksgiving will be the first holiday without her. She is alive but gone. It is going to suck. We will have to think about what we are going to do.  That is really what brought on this post.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

5 Things: Family Wisdom

I picked up my Dad to do a few errands today. One of the errands was to go to Verizon Wireless to get new phones. I got the LG Ally, a Droid phone, so far it seems pretty cool. Dad was on a roll with his “wisdom” today, especially about women, cats and cheeseburgers.

The subject of cats came up because Secret Sister has a cat that has not bonded well with her. She wants to give the cat to me. Since I have Boots, Dad had opinions galore.

1. “With single women, 1 cat is enough.” What about single men? I know more than 1 single guy with more than 1 cat.

2. “Any more cats becomes a substitute for other things.” My cat is a roommate substitute. It was depressing coming home to an empty apartment night after night after night. He greets me at the door and is a reason to come home.

3. “I will most certainly become a cat lady with more than one cat since my current cat has a Facebook page, is my buddy and any more will put me over the crazy cat lady edge, which I am teetering over already.” Bring it on.

4. Dad insists I do not have a black thumb when it comes to plants. He gave me clippings to challenge that premise. Let’s see if they are alive a few months for now. He just told me to make sure they have lots of water.

5. I had to bring something over my other not so secret sister in Holbrook and I was telling my sister about my quest to win things. My 7 year old nephew said, “That will never happen.” about my quest. Have faith little man. Have faith.

Since I was in Holbrook, I was tempted to stop by the Lynwood Café over the border in Randolph. I  grew up almost down the street in the Grove in Holbrook but decided against it. I heard they raised the price of a pizza by double and it was enough for me to pass it up. In one review, it said it was a “gritty” area. Really? I don’t think of that area as gritty, if you know it, but I am just a native.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Past v Future

As I was driving home from Zumba tonight (yes, I survived and did better the second class), I all of a sudden thought about how I haven’t really been thinking of the past much. I used to thrive on the past. I was a would of, should of, could of gal. I spent so much time thinking about the past, that I never much concentrated on the future.

Even now, I don’t think much about the future. I was never the girl that planned her wedding in her head or named her kids twenty years before they were born. I am more of a here and now gal. Just trying to get through each day with my head above water. It is progress.

The only future I am concerned with now is my birthday next week. How is it that a year has gone by? Why does time go by so fast now that I am older?

Birthdays were downplayed in my family after you turned 13 or so. I am not really sure what I am doing. I may just get my free meal somewhere on my birthday itself.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Budget Minded

Today I did something I have never done. I forgot about an appointment I had with the psychiatrist because I was so caught up in doing budgets for work. I was working from home just to go to this appointment and I forgot! They understood but I still felt stupid for it. I guess I am committed to my job.

I am debating if I want to give candy out Sunday night or go to the movies and skip the whole thing? I will probably give candy out but I should not eat any of it. That is the problem. Maybe I will just shut the lights out and watch Paranormal State or cry over my last few days at 36.

I definitely have another cold. My head feels like it is going to explode. This is twice I have been sick so far and the fall isn’t even over! This does not bode well for this winter.

I was looking for sick cat photos and found this. It totally made me laugh.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Monday Ramblings

The platform of Kendall Square station on the MBTA’s Red Line was one very crowded place this evening. I had to wait for a few trains to go by before there was room for me to get through the gates. It was like a mad house. Once I did get on the train, it was like a sardine can all the way to my stop, Quincy Center.

This is one of the mass exodus stops where a good portion of the train gets off. So, as I was about to get on the stairs, a man dragged another man down the steps and started to hit him.  Two gentlemen stopped it but the man ran up the stairs and got the police office in the lobby and from there, I don’t know what happened.

Then when I got home, I noticed that the cord chewer struck! He did not cause the previous internet problems but I found the new cord I bought chewed right through. Luckily, I still had the previous one so all was not lost. Is there a cat proof cord?

I am working from home tomorrow. That makes me happy. I am not feeling well and I can work in my pajamas while watching TV! I am going to attempt to wake up early to take an aerobics class at the gym also tomorrow.

I am feeling a little bit OCD about something right now. I had a little plastic expanding folder with coupons in it and I can not find it. I went to file the coupons from the weekend papers and I could not find it. It is bothering me a lot. I know they are just coupons but I have been tearing the apartment apart looking for it. It is bothering me a bit more then it should.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

5 Things: Pumpkins

My internet is back up thanks to the customer service representative of Verizon who said she would try her best to get my Internet back up by Saturday night or Monday at the latest. I am happy to say I am writing this from home! Five days without Internet access. What did I do? I watched a lot of TV and knitted a lot.

Last night, I went with two friends of mine to the Jack – O- Lantern Spectacular. We waited in line for over 2 hours but when we finally go through to the pumpkins, they were cool.

Today’s installment of 5 Things are my favorite pumpkins from last night.

 

1. The Peanut’s Pumpkin

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2. Wolves. I thought this one was wicked cool.

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3. The Kiss from V-J Day. I have always loved this photo.

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4. They had a whole section of Renaissance art pumpkins which where cool.

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5. A Rebel Without a Cause

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It was very crowded and hard to take photos of the pumpkins without pushing people away. Was the wait worth it? Just barely but it was cool. I would go on a less crowded night.

Friday, October 22, 2010

At Least It's Friday!

The new cord did not work last night and I was too exhausted to call Verizon so guess what I am going to be doing this evening?

Yep! Wish me luck. If successful, I will post more later.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

National Love Your Body Day

I am a day late and a dollar short with this because when I got home from work last night, I discovered that my Internet at home was out. As of this morning it was still out.  I checked the telephone cord for telltale signs of bite marks and I found a few though not clear through the cord. So today I am going to get another very long telephone cord and hope it fixes it. He is lucky he is cute and furry because his taste for cords is not good.

Yesterday was National Love Your Body Day. They asked "Do you love what you see when you look in the mirror?"  Honestly, yesterday I tried. I did. I tried keeping that side of me down but I failed for part of the day. I tried thinking of things I liked but they were all internal personality stuff or backhanded like I have good eyes but my face is ugly type of thoughts.

I am not sure where this came from. I was feeling relatively OK mood wise. I had a bad headache, the first in a while, and maybe that started it. When I don't feel good, my mind sort of follows.

I tried telling myself to stop it. I tried to stop the hate. Yes, I said hate, the opposite of love.It wasn't until I got home from work and decided that I was going to try to get into the 6:45 Zumba class at the gym that it started to disappear.

I survived my first Zumba class without having a heart attack or falling over myself. I wish I had inherited some of the Latin influences from my Mom but no, the only Italian part that came through was my talking with my hands. I was confused a lot of time but moved as best I could to the dancing. I completed it though and that made me feel a bit better.

I came home, worked on my knitting project and watched a PBS Independent Lens program about parking lot attendants in Charlottesville, VA  (very good!) since the Internet was out and felt good. My hair was a wet mess after I got home and I was beet red from the exercise (I get that way after all exercise) but I was more forgiving of myself after Zumba. 

My loving my body is a work in progress.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Afraid of Rejection

 

 

I think I have trained my brain to expect rejection. That I have been hurt before so why not just think it is going to go wrong because then I won’t be so hurt. Unfortunately, I am still hurt a lot of the time.

Oh, I am not going to talk to him, he thinks I’m ugly or why bother asking so and so for something because it is just going to be no. It is a mindset I get stuck in and I am not sure how to get over it.

Has anyone actually changed the way their mind think about this?

It goes along with being told I have to be a “glass half full person” at work. I expect to get screwed so when it happens, it is easier to take. I think the worst is going to happen and well, it does, especially when I think of my family.

I have tried to think “Oh it’s going to be a wonderful day!” then someone elbows me in the chest on the subway. I also know people who have read or seen “The Secret” and that they probably say I get what I get because of it.

Self protection mechanisms are a lot of things but not self protecting!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dad’s happy, at last

I am feeling a bit better today. I got out at lunch and went for a walk and I went to the gym tonight.  It was a fairly typical day overall. I have had a killer headache all day, which is unusual since I have been taking the Topamax. I feel kind of achy as well. I hope I am not getting sick.

Dad is all excited about the picture I put up on the blog. Supposedly, there are relatives who went to Australia instead of America way back when, and I look like them. He can tell through the magic of Facebook and sharing genealogy stuff. My cell phone was accidently left on silent last night and he left 5 messages. All exclaiming how happy he is. Since he usually tells me how horrible this or that picture looks, I’ll take it. Whatever makes him happy.

Parents on Facebook can be somewhat dangerous.

I’ve been looking a bit on Match.com tonight and some of these profiles are hysterical. Maybe after looking and giggling, I may wink or actually write someone.

I was looking at airfares again today. I can not go anywhere else until I do my taxes in February!

Another half way decent Friskyscope. I am not into horoscopes but these are interesting.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Forget trying to be polite, because most of the time you don’t mean it anyway. Best to just be yourself, grumpy opinions and all, because that is the only way you are going to strike a fair deal for yourself when dealing with another who might honor, love and cherish you in the long run, but for this week is strictly out for himself.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Rocking Sunday

I am really happy about the hair cut. It was the change I needed. Hopefully, I can style it right every day. Sometimes a hair cut can make you feel better.

I finally revised the Match profile today. I haven’t had the time to concentrate on it so I tackled it today. We’ll see. I tried to make it happier and I used the new picture. The men of Boston take notice!

I stupidly walked out of the house without my camera this morning so I did not get to take pictures of Rock of Ages. It was a lot of fun and had a lot of cheese. I am generally not a fan of musicals but I really enjoyed it. If it comes to your city and you like 80’s hair band music, I highly recommend it. Constantine was very good.

My only plans tonight are to chill out and watch Paranormal State. I am always intrigued by these ghost shows.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

5 Things: The Jen Edition

I have had a tough low self esteem week so today’s 5 Things installment is 5 things I like about me.

It has always been hard for me to think of what I like about myself and that has got to change.  The following things are stuff I like about myself:

1. I have always questioned authority. Ever since I was a little, defying my parents to now, I don’t really like people telling me what to do. Dad said he admired that I fought back and I like it too.

2. My eyes my sort of shock me but I love them. They change depending on the day and because my face is pale, they really pop.

3. My freckles. I may have been called a freak growing up and they do multiply every summer, but they are part of me and I like them.

4. I am constantly told I am quiet but people who know me may beg to differ. I am on the reserved side but I talk when I want to talk to with whom ever I want to talk to. I have also been told that once I get talking, it is a little hard to get me to stop, which I find wicked funny. A little quirkiness I like.

5. I have always wished I could chop a few inches off of my height but I’ve embraced it. I am 5’10 and I love it. I will wear heals and not care.

Hair Today

So I did change the hair.

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The hair cut from the back because we took off a lot from the back.

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It is one of the longer in the front, shorter in the back hair cuts. I am liking it.

Since it is very windy here, it did get a bit blown around today. I did however rock it out at the laundry mat and visiting Mom, which did not go well. It did make me feel a little better.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Caught by the Shadow

I try to be very honest on my blog. It is my outlet and sort of therapy for me. Today was a struggle from the moment I got out of bed. I just felt that perhaps it would be better if I just stayed there. I didn’t though and managed to get out the door to get to a follow up appointment with my primary care physician.

It started with the usual check of blood pressure and weight. I saw the number on the scale and my heart sank. I was left alone waiting for the doctor in the exam room trying to control myself but failing. I started sniffling and thinking how much of a loser, good for nothing, ugly person I am and then the tears started.

I am 36. I should not be crying over my weight. The doctor came and asked what is wrong and I told her. I said that my weight was up and that number controls me. My self worth is based on that number. I was given a tissue and said, “One of the reasons why I am in therapy.”

Even though my appointment was a follow up about my taking Topamax for my headaches, which is working,we spent most of my time talking about my little breakdown. She said maybe I should see a surgeon. I said I would think about it. I got some information on a surgeon at Tufts Medical Center.

I don’t know. I told her I would think about it. I have done it before but I feel sort of alone now. It is hard to explain. My weight is going up and I have not been eating enough to gain all this weight so fast.  I don’t know what is going on with me.

On the form the center wants me fill out, it wants to know my mental health history and medications I take for it. I wonder if that will disqualify me.

At work, all that was going through my mind was how much I suck. I worked and was busy but my mind was not cooperating with me at all. I was trying to fight it but it was so persistent today.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I am still confused as to what to do but I will post some pictures. Maybe a nice hair cut and looking good will give me a kick in the self esteem department. Too bad I don’t have any plans except to get the Focus an oil change and wash my comforter at the laundry mat. I’ll look good doing that though.

I signed up to do The Race Up Boston Place for the Lung Association again this year. I’ll have something to train for. This year I want to be in better shape then last year.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hair Dilemma

I have had the same basic hair style for the last 5 years or so. Give or take a little bit and it is basically the same thing. I might have a hair appointment on Saturday or maybe not since I have been a bit discombobulated lately and can’t find the card, but it is coming soon.

I look at myself:

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I have fine hair that is almost straight and lacking in body. I have hair envy. The hair is always better on other people. I am not sure where to go with my hair.

Do I leave it relatively the same? Currently, I have the “do what the hair wants attitude” and if not put it up. Yesterday, I was called a “Sir” at the deli counter by the clerk with my hair up, maybe that is not a good sign.

I would like long hair like Secret Sister’s long blond hair but it just kind lies there and does nothing for me except look pretty.

I don’t know about short hair. I used to have short hair a long time ago and I don’t have fond memories of it.

I’ll probably just get it trimmed a bit. Decisions, decisions.

I am really noticing my eyes lately. Crazy! I just snapped the photo to show my hair. They are dominating the picture I think. They look very intense to me and sort of freak me out a bit. Maybe that is people don’t talk to me on the street.

I had started to read the book, He’s Just Not That Into You and I finally finished it. From what I read, I might as well get another cat and start yelling at the neighborhood kids because I am doomed.  I am trying to step out of my comfort zone and I find that is the wrong way to go about it. I have to wait for him. I’ll be waiting a long time because I have never been asked out like they talk about in the book.

We are getting a good old Nor'easter this weekend. I may attempt to go to the store tomorrow to battle for cat food. Then I will listen to the wind and rain tomorrow night. I live near the ocean and it is sort of cool watching the waves during the storm, from behind the sea wall. I am looking forward to the weekend either way.

I have this on Sunday!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A New Day

Today was a better day. I took a little time and put some make up on before work, made sure everything looked good on me and wasn’t as rushed as normal. I drank a lot of coffee this morning which made me extra perky.

I have become addicted to Dunkin Donut’s Caramel Swirl hot coffee with milk. What has gotten in to me? I have resisted for so long….it is mostly futile.

It wasn’t until late afternoon when my mind began to wonder. I think it was because of the depressing classical music the concierge had on. The morning concierge had classic rock on and it was awesome doing 2011 budgets to AC/DC but then the afternoon concierge came on and put on depressing classical music.

A lot of classical music isn’t depressing but this was. I was practically in tears at one point (maybe the budgeting software caused that too) and working alone all afternoon, did not promote nice happy thoughts.  I think I need to work around people. I am much more productive and happier. Even having Boots around working from home would have been better.

I did get food shopping tonight. I now have vegetables, some fruit, stuff for lunch, and dinner. They were out of pumpkin at Hannaford's. They had a can of $3.00 organic pumpkin but I passed on that. I even saved $25 with coupons. That made me happy.

Two more days until the weekend. That is one thing to be happy about!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Be Gone

It has been one of those days. It started with Dad oversleeping for his appointment at Mass General Hospital’s Heart Center. He was supposed to pick me up at 7:30 am and when he did not show up, I called and he wasn’t even up yet. The appointment was at 9 and we made it by the skin of our teeth and some crazy driving. Sorry all the drivers we cut off!

Then work was work. They are going to be judging our productivity starting in December. I really hope it is not with a consultant. I have visions of Office Space going through my head!

I had the focus group tonight and I had some time to waste in between work and when it started, so I went to a Starbucks, grabbed some caffeine, took out the knitting project and sat down for a leisurely hour and a half of knitting.

Then I looked out of the window. Standing against the building across the street, was the poofer himself. Having not seen him since the poofing, I was a little riled up when I saw him. I had to take a big deep breath to stop myself from taking my redheaded personality a bit far. 

He looked as handsome as before and of course, that started the stupid head games. The awful thoughts about myself that I really try to avoid. I just am going to get them out here.

- You are ugly – I don’t think I am. Honestly, I am not really pretty but ugly, no.

- You deserved what he did. – Um, no. I did not. I deserve better.

- You’ll never get better, in fact, I am unlovable. – This makes me sad. My brain thinks this. My brain may think it is self preservation, but it is not. Why do I do this to myself? Why does something like this bring this up?

I am an awesome catch. Really. I am smart, intelligent, caring and I just need someone to see that.

I wanted to yell get it all out but he was not alone and I am better than that. I did walk by and I am sure he saw me. He was probably telling his coworker awful things about me. 

It’s been months since the incident and I have totally moved on but that devil would not let it go. 

It is now out and over. That is what is great out this – I can get the crazy thoughts out of my head. They may happen less often but they still lurk out there. I can write them down and they can be gone.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Working Holiday

I had my not so mid-year review at work on Friday. It went better than expected. We discussed what has been happening at work and my boss thought it best that I:

1. Looked at the glass half full most of the time. This is going to be hard but I am trying. I admit as a self preservation mechanism, I generally prepare myself for the worst and it usually happens. Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy. My boss is the same way so maybe it is just a Boston thing or we have both been worn down for a while.

2. I need to stop working through my lunch breaks. I used to work in the dungeon. It was a windowless, bad HVAC system, grim hole in the bowels of a 38 story building. It did not bring warm fuzzy feelings to its occupants. I used to walk during most lunch breaks. It was important to see the outside or else, it totally sucked away my spirits during the afternoon. At some point, I stopped taking lunch breaks. My spirit was sapped.

So now that there is massive construction going on over the dungeon and the waterproofing has been to, it is even a worse place to work in, we have moved to an office in Kendall Square. I don’t get over the bridge into Cambridge all that often and in Kendall Square even less so I need to get reacquainted with the area.

Today unlike most of America,I did not have Columbus Day off, I did just that. I went for a long walk at lunch time and I took my camera with me, in case I saw something interesting.  I wanted to remember where the Kendall Square movie theater, a little independent art house type theater, was so I could see a movie there after work sometime.

I have noticed a ton of acorns on the ground. The hoarding chipmunks and those dastardly squirrels must be happy.

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I also walked along the Charles River and was compelled to take this picture of a duck swimming along.

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I really need to go food shopping. I am still eating unprocessed as best I can but I am running out of some basics. I have a focus group ($100 for giving my opinion) tomorrow so it will have to wait until Wednesday.

I am going to look through my soup cookbook to get ingredients to make my first soup batch of the year.

I saw this today and found it very appropriate. My Friskyscope today:

You’re born under the most intense sign of the zodiac and that means you don’t let anything go without a fight. However, when you’re grappling with your demons, the harder you fight, the more of a chokehold they’ll have. For now, the path of least resistance is best, as they are only as strong as you want to make them, and this week, they’re out to suck you dry.

I am a Scorpio and while, I am not one for horoscopes generally, I said this one was right. I don’t let anything go without a fight, just ask my family and some friends. I hope my demons aren’t active this week.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

5 Things: About the cold weather

I tend not to be very positive about fall and winter. The trees losing their leaves tends to depress me along with lack of sunlight and what seems like longer nights, it is not my favorite season.

Since, I am trying to be one of those glass half full people, today’s 5 Things installment is 5 things I like about the cooler weather.

1. Flannel Sheets – Soft, warm, comfy….

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2. Hot chocolate – yum!

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3. Hot Coffee Drinks – my personal favorite, the Nutty Irishman – yum.

4. Soup – I plan on eating and making a lot of it this fall/winter.

5. Hibernation – if I bear can do it, why can’t I?

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Jen is

too independent. I heard that yet again today. I hate it. Why do people think it is a bad thing?

As a single thirty something woman, if I don’t take care of myself, who will? I live on my own. I hold a job. I travel with or without people. I would survive if I never find another boyfriend and be fine about it.

Why do people think being independent is such a bad thing? I can’t and don’t want to live with my parents. At almost 37, those days are long behind me. Besides if I had a boyfriend, going home to my parents house would be a drag.  I am as close (too close according to some people) as I want to be for my own sanity.

I can’t sit twiddling my thumbs until someone comes along. When someone comes along, I don’t want another father and or an overseer. One father is all I can handle. I don’t want to be attached at the hip nor disappear as so many women do when they are with someone.

I just want to be me. I don’t want to be changed and I don’t want to change someone. I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not and then I can’t live up to that person. Independence definitely fits my political philosophy.

Why do people feel the need to tell me these things?

I want someone in my life but I don’t want them to dominate my life and take over. It’s a partnership not a prison.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

If it is not a stroke…

it is cancer. Dad has skin cancer. He is not really sure what kind of skin cancer but he  definitely has it on his hand.

It isn’t majorly serious but just another thing to worry about. Almost all of my worry in life goes to worrying about my father and my mother. Since they are both 62 years old, I should not have to worry about them so much. They should be enjoying life. 

I know where this goes. Down hill. I went to visit my Dad tonight and I just started to cry for no real reason. I am tired. My upper back hurts. I am worried. Part of me wants to run away. I can’t take much more.

Plus I worked at our old office today where there was massive jack hammering and building shuddering going all day. I could not hear myself thing and it gave me quite a headache. I hate working in that office now.

I dream of moving away. Far away to someplace that where I will be able to buy a house someday and have better weather. Life will just be better but it won’t. I know it won’t. All of my family is here and I could not live with myself and leave Mom.  I will probably be here forever, probably be 80 years old and grumbling about it.

For now, I will just visit places and file them away as possible places to live someday.

Another day, another Unprocessed October attempt.

Breakfast: Old fashioned oats, lemon curd, cranberries, coffee

Lunch – Leftovers from last night – brown rice, peppers, onions, black beans, chick peas, tikka masala sauce, cheese stick.

No afternoon snack.

Dinner – Tuna fish, chopped apples, mayonnaise, Terra Blue chips.

Soon – Tea with honey.

I am waiting for my laundry to be done then it is off to bed for this tired red head.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tickle Tuesday

Today was just a weird day. From witnessing some very weird behavior on the Red Line tonight to getting a call at work where they wanted me to tickle them, I am over the day.

It is also rainy and cold here in Boston and I know how that affects my mood some days. I knew today was perhaps a good day to stay in bed all day. It is my favorite place on a day like today. No one can bother me most days in bed and it has been a long time since I have taken a mental health bed day. The thought is wicked appealing.

My quest to eat Unprocessed Foods went ok. It was a little similar to yesterday. I eat A LOT of the same things over and over.

Breakfast – Old fashioned oats cooked in 1% milk, Tap’n Apple butter and raisins. I didn’t really like the combination and could only eat about a 1/3 of it. Apple butter and raisins are better in oatmeal cooked in water. 2 coffees.

Lunch – Ham and cheese wrap with honey mustard and a cheese stick.

Snack – 2 apples with natural peanut butter.

Dinner – A glass of wine with dinner, Brown rice, chick peas, black beans, peppers and onions sautéed in olive oil with Tikka Masala sauce. Lots of leftovers for 2 days worth of lunches. 4 pieces of chocolates from the Lake Champlain chocolates I got in Vermont.

I am going to have some tea with honey soon. Once again, water only outside of wine, coffee and tea.

 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Vermont and things

This weekend I was in the state of Vermont for the first time. It was the one New England state I had never visited. It was a cool fall weekend and while I knew that going away would have me broke for the rest of the pay period, I went anyways. Maybe stupid, but I’ll deal with it.

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My original reason for going to Vermont was to attend the Vermont Sheep & Wool Festival in Turnbridge, VT. It was a great day for a festival. Of course, there were the sheep, bunnies and alpacas.

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I restrained myself and only bought 1 skein of sock yarn and a bag of Romney wool to be spun. My yarn stash is ever growing and I knew I had to be good.

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The next day we went to Cold Hollow Cider Mill.  This particular machine gave samples of great cider. I love cider!

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We went to Ben & Jerry’s Factory as well. I will admit, I have only had Ben & Jerry’s ice cream a couple of times in my life. I never buy it because it is expensive, small and too convenient for one serving.  It was cool to go on the tour though. I was really interested because I love those “How It’s Made” TV shows but they were not running production so it was less enthralling to me.

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The tour guy did well and was quite into the “moooo” part. One of the best parts of the tour.

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We drove home Sunday afternoon. I was sort of happy to be home. The weekend went by fast, as most weekend do.

I had promised a friend that I would come to yoga tonight at the gym and despite feeling like a cold coming on and having a headache, I went and survived an hour and a half of gentle yoga. I am not flexible and hopefully this will help.

I am getting sick again. This is the second time this fall that I have been sick. Ugh. I hope it is not a sign of things to come. I am taking better care of myself, eating healthy and now as unprocessed as I can, but this better not be a sign of things to come.

As far as the unprocessed food goes, today I had:

Breakfast

Old Fashioned Oats made with 1% milk, lemon curd and dried unsweetened cranberries. Coffee.

Lunch

Turkey and cheese with a 100 cal Wholly Guacamole pack* in a whole wheat tortilla.A cheese stick and an apple.

Snack

Nature’s Path MMMaple Pecan Bar (the most unprocessed thing I think), almonds before yoga

Dinner

Burger with havarti with dill with ketchup (cooked in a little canola oil) and broccoli. I also had 4 small squares of Lake Champlain Chocolate, I got in Vermont, which was 1 serving.

I need more fruits and veggies. No soda today, just water and coffee. I am not perfect but

*I love love these 100 calorie packs of guacamole. They are so good and I like them because the guacamole does not go bad, which is a problem I have when I open a package and not use it for a couple of days. I hate wasting food.  100 calories of guacamole is a lot and they taste very good.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

A Battle of Wills

I will recap my weekend trip to Vermont tomorrow but now, I am locked into a battle of wills with my cat. I have an empty glass of what was water on a table near by. Boots jumps up on the table, touches the glass with his paw, I turn around, he runs away and runs around.

I’ve begin chasing him and he pops out at me and attacks my leg. I run after him and pick him up. He is not a big fan of being picked up and it begins all over again.

It is going to be a night of kitty cat craziness, I think.

It sort of takes my mind of a few things. Sunday nights are always a drag. Work has been a struggle and I am not looking forward to it. I definitely have a case of the Sunday blahs.

I had a good time in Vermont and am thinking of where to go on my next little day type trip. I have lived in the Boston area all of my life except for 3 years in the Rochester, NY area, and there are so many places in south eastern Massachusetts that I do not know about. I feel like exploring.

I am taking my first yoga class tomorrow with a friend. I have not taken a class yet because I was reluctant to do it alone but a friend recently joined the gym I belong to, so I am going to do the class with her. Maybe it will help a bit with stress.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Leaf Peeping

I am going to be a leaf peeper this weekend. If you notice me about in Northern New England, excuse my happy behavior. This weekend involves sheep, wool, ice cream, leafs, cheese and whatever other trouble we can get in. It should be a lot of fun.

I felt a lot better over the last two days. There is a reason why I named the blog Losing the Shadow Behind Me because I like to think of it as the shadow that stalks me from around corners and dark alleys. I had a little bump in the road tonight.

I went to see Mom. She does not talk much anymore. She doesn’t recognize me. I missed her 62nd birthday when I was in Pittsburgh and I haven’t seen her so I wanted to see her. It was hard. I was asking questions but she wasn’t answering me, only staring at me with her big brown eyes. I was hard sitting with her for a half an hour.

When I leave, it takes a lot out of me. I don’t want her to hurt. I want to save myself from hurt. I go out to my car and let some of it out. I have to. It is just too overwhelming.

I miss my Mom a lot. I want to tell her about dating, my problems, everything that people tell their Mom’s about. Dad would gladly talk to me about EVERYTHING but it is not the same. 

It’s also hard to talk about with people because it will depress them. It is depressing and I don’t want to be depressing. When I start talking about the ins and outs of Mom’s disease, she is not an average dementia patient, it makes me emotional and sometimes I just can’t but yet it is hard to hold things in.

I guess that is what the blog is. I have talked about Mom a lot. I probably say a lot of the same things. It is just hard watching her go downhill and I have to get it out somewhere.