Saturday, July 31, 2010

Getting Excited

I booked my transportation down to New York for Thursday. I looked at Bolt buses and Greyhound buses. Greyhound was a few bucks cheaper for the round trip fair so Greyhound it is. The hotel I am staying in Thursday night is right next to the Port Authority so it is very convenient that the bus ends at the Port Authority.

I have only been to New York City once before. I dated a man who was from Brooklyn but lived in Wildwood, NJ and I went to New York to stay with him. That was so long ago and I did not see much of the city that weekend. I don’t think I will see much next weekend either but I do want to check out some yarn stores like Purl Soho.

Tomorrow I have to deal with one of my most hated companies, U-haul. We need to get my Mom’s old bureau that is in my Dad’s bedroom out. Since she is in the nursing home, he does not need it. I had to rearrange my bedroom today to accommodate it and get stuff off of the floor into piles that will go into the bureau.  It is sort of sad for me. I wish Mom could still use her bureau. I wish she didn’t have that awful disease and death sentence. Secret Sister and my brother are going to help me. Send me good U-haul vibes. My last experience with U-haul did not go well at all.

I lost 3.2 at my first WW weigh in this morning. That is awesome. I’ll take it. I won’t be able to WI next weekend because I’ll be at Blogher. I must have a strategy for tackling Blogher. It is going to be challenge that is for sure.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

OD’d on Watermelon

Tonight was one of those, I had a gazillion things to do and didn’t get home nor did I eat dinner until 9 pm, type of nights.  Why was I hope that late? Well, I was supposed to leave work, go get my brother’s stuff so he can crash at my place the rest of the week and grab some shorts for Dad then bring the shorts to Dad then go to the nutritionist but it did not work out as I planned.

I was stuck in the tunnel for an hour tonight.  In the back of my mind, I always think a piece of the ceiling is going to fall in on me or that I will hit one of the death railings in an accident whenever I am sitting in the tunnel stuck in traffic. What is going with Boston traffic in the afternoon lately? It took me an hour and a half to get from work to South Weymouth tonight.  That was the big mess up.

I did not have time to bring Dad his stuff before the nutrition appointment so I flew to the appointment because I was late. I weighed in the same at the appointment unfortunately, my head is in a billion and one places and I did not go to the bathroom before I weighed it. I probably would have lost if I had. It will show on Saturday.

After talking about my food issues with my nutritionist, who I told tonight that I probably needed a food therapist with all of my issues, she said that is me, I was to go to Dad's. Not really what I was getting at. I have an appointment with the med doctor and the therapist on Friday afternoon and I want to talk about some of my food issues then.

Dad was transferred to a sub acute nursing home and got approved for 7 days there. That will hopefully give me the time to get the apartment set up in time.  I dropped off the shorts, picked up the dirty laundry, talked for a bit then left. By the time I got home, it was 9ish then I had to get the trash out. I was hungry.

Watermelon was the answer. Lots of it. I have some in the fridge and I want to eat it before it goes bad but I think I might have OD’d a bit tonight. Can you OD on watermelon?  This was seedless but there were seeds.  I used to think a watermelon could grow inside of me when I was young. I also had a Morningstar Farms Black Bean burger on a Whole Wheat thin with cheese along with the watermelon.


I have another new find to share with you.  I am all about new things lately. At Stop and Shop, I found Garden Lites Butternut Squash SoufflĂ©. I love squash and I really liked this. I need to expand my food routine. I eat the same stuff into oblivion sometimes and since it is me, myself and I thought why not. They were around $2.50 for one and there is one per box. I knew of each ingredient in the ingredient list.




 I really liked it. It had a subtle apple to taste to it and went along with the sandwich I also had. It was microwavable and different. It gets Jen’s approval, next to the MMMaple Pecan bars. There was also a Spinach SoufflĂ© available. 




It is almost Friday! That is positive thinking :)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Unexpected Find

I felt a bit better today. Work was crazy as usual.  I was really too busy to dwell on much. I packed my lunch for work and grabbed a new bar that I found at wonderful Hannaford’s the other day to have as a snack at some point.

I am smitten.


I saw the Nature’s Path MMMaple Pecan Flax + Bars on the shelf and said to myself, Maple! Pecan!  So I bought them.  I can see myself getting addicted to these easily. They are quite good.  I tend to eat similar things over and over until I get tired of them and I have found something new.

So instead of talking about how down I feel, I am talking about something that made me happy, even if it was food. Maybe if I focus on something that makes me happy I can get away from the feeling blah about things.

I am not going to watch the PBS programs about lobotomies on TV now. That is not positive and I can’t imagine going through it. Thank goodness that is not a treatment for depression now.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Bit of a Hot Mess

When my therapist wants to see me once a week, I know I am a bit of a hot mess. It isn’t a secret. If I look over my posts for the last few weeks and it confirms it. My mood plummeted. My eating has been erratic at best and slightly binge worthy at worst.  I don’t want to get out of bed and could have slept the whole weekend away given the chance. The shadow has returned.

Trying to cheer myself up, I ordered a few fancy bras from Three were lacy and frilly and fit me. I really needed some new bras. Like, I only had one non-poking bra left. I also got a Freya sports bra that is a bit small. I will keep it because in 20 pounds it should be fine. I’ll just wear the non-poking bra exercising. I have resorted to retail therapy lately or at least, I have tried to resort to it, only to not find anything I wanted.

Before visiting Dad, I stopped by Castle Island and went for a nice walk.  Given the absolutely gorgeous weather today in Boston, lots of people were out, including me. The planes were taking off in a different direction tonight so I was a bit disappointed to miss my trip daydreaming, especially when the big Europe bound planes are taking off in the evening. It was a good walk though. It cleared my mind a bit. I need to do that more often. 

I saw Dad today and it did not result in a stubborn battle of wills. I will admit that I am his daughter and a redhead. I can be stubborn right back and play with the best of them but I hate it. Dad may be the King of Guilt Trips (We ate macaroni and cheese for two weeks just so you could have that $75 – famous line said to me while in college), but I can match wills. He seemed in a good mood. The nursing home is coming tomorrow to evaluate him because he needed to be sitter-free for 24 hours before they would come. He is a bit impulsive and needed a sitter until today.

I bought a Monthly Pass when I rejoined Weight Watchers on Saturday. Of course, the pass they gave me does not come with an access code. Why the hell wouldn’t it when they ask you for the code when you say you have the pass? It annoys me. I had planned to sign in and journal all of my food online. I am supposed to get an email within 48 hours of buying the pass, well, I haven’t gotten the email. I will be emailing them in them in the morning.

It is one day closer to Friday, is it not?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Mind Changers

I have had a rough day. Dad did not like what me and my brother had to say this afternoon and being a stubborn mule, it escalated quickly. It mad me mad and sad at the same time. It all revolved around Dad’s care after he get out. I then went to visit Mom, who let me take the book, with a bit of a fight and no biting today. She didn’t talk at all even though I asked questions but she was smiling and laughed when I put a stuffed rabbit on my head. Anything to get a reaction.

I need to find a walk or some other time of athletic event to work towards. It will give me something to aspire to.  Once Dad gets out of the nursing home, he will need 24 hour watching and that will sap most of my extra time but I need some time to take care of myself. I have gained a lot of weight. I have negated all of my hard work in losing the hundred pounds but gaining 80% of it back. Since I rejoined Weight Watchers, I need to have something attainable.

This afternoon, I got home and ate and ate. I was upset, depressed, lonely and food called. I answered.  CheezIts, cookies, left over pasta. I stopped and put it behind me. I made a normal dinner and made my lunch for tomorrow. This day is behind me. Tomorrow is the rest of my life.

I am kind of rambling on. I am going to go relax.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Slow Saturday

I like slow Saturdays.

I didn’t have any plans tonight so I’ve just been knitting. I am trying to finish a scarf I have been working on. I only have a small ball of yarn left so I should be done soon. Knitting is very soothing to me. I find it therapeutic. It takes my mind off of my problems. That with catching up with Michael Weston and Burn Notice helped me.

I got my hair done today. Unfortunately, I only got to show it off at Hannaford’s when I was food shopping. I desperately needed food and with my brother staying with me, I really need it. He is a big guy and has an appetite. Instead of visiting my parents, I got my hair done and went food shopping. I can home and relaxed.

It was a good Saturday.

Tomorrow is Dad’s 62nd birthday. I am not sure what to get him. He says just visiting is fine but I would like to get a treat. I will have to think of something.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The past

After a tough week, Friday is finally here. I day dream about Fridays all throughout the week. Monday morning at 8 am, I am thinking about Friday at 5:00 pm.  I think it is what keeps me going.

Thank God it is Friday! I love Fridays!

Watching Dad’s therapy went ok. He is able to walk with the help of a walker and can get in and out of a car and bath tub and up a step. His apartment is on the first floor of the apartment building and there is only one step to get into the building. He probably could go home but we need a few things done to the apartment first like bars in the bath tub, so he is going to go to Mom’s nursing home’s acute care unit for a little bit until we can get that coordinated.

Worry about my parents has been a major source of my anxiety and problems. Growing up, Mom had changed after the births of secret sister then my brother. She became withdrawn and cold and started to hoard certain items. Dad on the other hand was a miserable, sleep-deprived mess and enabler of Mom. Looking back, it probably was the beginning of the dementia/schizophrenic tendencies that she has. Growing up and going through changes that every kid goes through while my parent’s lives were disintegrating was hard.

I grew up fast and was totally unprepared for it. I developed very early, and far before any of my classmates. It was awkward and the boys in my class, who were a mess of hormones, harassed me about my chest to no end. I hated school. I had to fight them off from touching me in class and on the recess fields. I didn’t tell my parents and the teacher didn’t notice or care. I would afraid I would get in trouble. I dealt with it by coming home from school and going into my room. I did this for 7 years. I gained weight. They won’t bother me if I am fat. No one will go after a fat girl. And no one did. 

Things were disintegrating in my parents house. Mom was slipping into dementia. Dad had gotten help but was an enabler. It was very isolating. I never had anyone over. Very few people came to visit. The outgoing talk to anyone little kid that I was long gone.

I escaped by going away to college. I went far far away where no one would know me. I ran to Bradley University in Peoria. It was the best move of my life. I escaped. I had been plotting it since sophomore year in high school. I needed to get away.

To this day, I still feel very self conscious and sort of ashamed about my chest. When men comment, I sort of wilt away.

My relationship with my parents were always close. Perhaps a bit too close. At first in therapy, my therapist felt I should break off from my parents. I could not do it. We depended on each other too much, my family. My parents would call and I would come. My siblings and their problems consumed me. My parent’s problems consumed me. It was driving me crazy.

Though hard work on my part, I have dealt with the issues that kept me into that room. I have spent a lot of time ruminating over the events over and over again. Me and my Dad have endless discussed it and he apologized. If only my parents had gotten me help then. If they did, would my life be better today?

I can’t say. It has made me stronger. Things that happened almost 30 years ago still haunt me to this day but I have persevered and I am a fighter. It sort of feels good to write about it here.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Found the Dress

I had my MRA today. It was a lot shorter then the MRI on my head and neck. I didn’t panic as much in the tunnel but still felt my heart race a bit. Hopeful, my arteries are ok in my brain.

After the MRA, I decided to go see Mom.  I’ve been visiting Dad and not visit Mom as I should. She wasn’t in the mood to see me as she was reading. Getting the book away from her was a fight and when she went to bite me, I gave up and left. She only said said, “I want to read.” when I was there and did not look at me. Mom hasn’t really talked to me lately. My family tells me she is talkative with them. She must not like something about me because she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. In the back of my mind, it reinforces the feeling that I was not my mother’s favorite by far.

I had a little extra time. To cheer me up, I figured I’d pop into TJ Maxx for some retail therapy to see about dresses. I didn’t like anything I saw. I tried on one pretty dress but it made me look 7 months pregnant. Not the look I am going for at the moment. In the same shopping plaza there is a Dress Barn and I figured it could not hurt to look in there.

I am glad I did.  I found a dress I thought looked great on me. Now the pictures aren’t very good. My hair is a mess and the dressing room was small but you can get the idea.



I could also wear this on a date, if I ever have one. :)

Monday, July 19, 2010


Work has been absolutely crazy. I suppose it is job security but some of the changes going on are beginning to make me a bit nervous. The big company I work for may be up to no good. I am bracing for what is to come. I should probably begin to get my papers in order and see what is out there.

Dad seemed to be in a good mood tonight. They have lifted the liquid limits and he can move around using a walker, which is progress. He just seemed to be in better spirits today. That made me in better spirits. He had a good conversation with a doctor that that put him at ease.

I have done well in getting fruits and vegetables today. I quickly got an egg white thin at Dunkin Donuts with an iced coffee. I like their caramel swirl flavor but generally, I hate Dunkin Donuts. They are everywhere here in Boston. I must have a good 50 of them within 5 miles of my house. For lunch, I got some salad with chicken at Whole Foods with pita chips as a snack and for dinner I had a mishmash of beans, macaroni and cheese (I had a free coupon and I used lower fat products to make it) with beans and a Hebrew National Hot Dog and watermelon for dessert.

I am going to attempt to go to the gym in the morning. I have pick my brother up from the T tonight and drive him home so I won’t get to bed until around 1 am and getting up at 5:30 seems daunting but I will set my alarm and hope for the best.

I am debating signing up for meetings again as well as going to the nutritionist. Is it overkill? I have a lot of food issues that they don’t cover in WW meetings nor should I pester the nutritionist about them. Maybe I need a food therapy group of some kind? Is there such a thing?

I booked a hotel room for the Thursday night before Blogher. I’ll be at the Four Points by Sheraton in Times Square. The Hilton was sold out. I will just go to the Hilton for Friday and Saturday night. I am looking forward to Blogher!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sundays are for movies

The Boston area pre-Blogher meet-up went well. I had a hard time getting past that that I was the only non-mommy blogger there and I felt out of place but I started to talk about what I blog about and things went ok. I won a $25 Au Bon Pain card that was donated to the meet-up, which will come in handy for coffee when the budget is tight. I will now know a few people at the conference, which will be great.

After breakfast with Secret Sister this morning, I picked my brother up and we went to visit Dad. Dad was a bit upset that they were not explaining what they were going to do with him properly. He is still drinking very restricted (1500 ccs) of liquid a day.  The nurses that his reluctance to let them do whatever they want with him as being uncooperative but I would be too when they explained nothing. All of this involved a Foley catheter and miscommunication. It made me sad.

After we left and I dropped my brother off, I decided that I needed to take my mind of off of things and I thought a movie would do that. I have loved the last few Leonardo DiCaprio movies and I figured Inception would not be different. I did like and the end has intrigued me.

Did you go see the movie this weekend? What did you think of the ending? I think it was petering out and falling.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Start of the weekend!

Tonight, I watched the fairy tale movie, August Rush. I like it even though it was campy. Maybe it was Jonathan Rhys Meyers but I liked it. While watching the movie, I enjoyed a few of these:


Tomorrow, I am looking forward to going to the pre-Blogher ‘10 Boston area meet-up. I am excited because I will be able to at least sort of know a few people before going. I am really looking forward to going and releasing some stress of the last few weeks and just having fun.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Random Wednesday Musings

After spending at a bit of time on OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Match, I am beginning to think the arranged marriage that my mother’s parents had was not so bad after all. This online dating thing does not bring warm fuzzy feelings in my heart. It sometimes kicks me in the stomach and drags the self esteem I have worked to get up, down. Maybe my profile on OkCupid is bad or my pictures are bad. I am not the most photogenic person out there.

I have a roommate this week.  My brother is sleeping on my couch so I don’t have to pick him up at midnight. He can walk to my apartment from the T stop. Hopefully, we won’t have too many roommate issues.

Dad was doing ok tonight. I tried to explain what happened to him. I am not sure he believes me. He can now drink 1500 ccs of liquid. He did not harass me for a diet coke. Instead, he wanted sherbet, which the nurse gave him. I left because he wanted to sleep.

I actually forgot to eat today. Yes, I brought my breakfast of Stoneyfield Farm Plain Yogurt with fresh blueberries and a bit of honey in my thermos, put it on my desk, went to get an iced coffee, came back to my desk, drank the coffee and forgot about the yogurt. I wasn’t hungry at all. That is totally strange. Something has gotten into me.

I am looking forward to therapy on Friday. I have a lot to talk about and get off of my chest. Especially this self esteem set back and the feeling very down. Just saying it on here helps me a lot.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Taking Care of Myself

I've always had a problem of putting myself first. When I get stressed, I definitely let it go by the wayside. I have a tendency, outside of showering, brushing my teeth, etc, of just digging into the problem and forgetting that in order to take care of someone, I must take care of myself.

In this comes the game my mind plays. I have been hearing my thoughts veering toward saying how ugly I am, unlovable, etc. I can definitely tell that this week that my medicine must be working double time this week.

Dad is working hard in rehab. He has 2 daily PT workouts, 1 OT and Speech therapy plus neuro groups. He told me he has been working hard as he tried to get me to sneak in a coke. It makes me guilty that I can't do it and then he'll get mad at me.

I might have a date with Army OkCupid guy on Thursday. I have to get myself mentally prepared for that and put on some makeup, bring a change of clothing into work. Think positive thoughts about the whole thing. I can't go in all depressed now, can I?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sunday Night Blues

My least favorite time of the week is Sunday night. The weekend is past. The long work week lies ahead. Why do weekends go by so fast?

Dad was moved to rehab yesterday. He is still confused and can barely sit up on his own. It is really hard on me to see him like this. Today, he was put into a wheelchair for the first time and wanted us to do things like bring him to the bathroom and give him water, which we could not do. He would get upset and it would only make me depressed. He is still on the liquid restricted diet. He can only have 500 cc's of liquid a day! They are worried his sodium levels will go down if he drinks, which is contrary to everything he has ever been told about sodium.

We went from Dad to Mom today. By the time I got home, I was sad. I did some laundry, threw some laundry in and went for a walk to the beach. Walking down to Wollaston Beach felt good. The breeze off of the water was nice. My apartment was sweltering inside compared to outside.

I felt a bit better after my walk. I got to clear my mind. The water was at low tide when I went so the beach was one rocky beach but there were people about and I could just walk without care.

I haven't eaten much today. I think it is the heat. I went to breakfast with Secret Sister and did not eat again until dinner.  I think I am going to have a bit of ice cream after I post this.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Kaput Computer

I am not one to go out and get the latest gadgets. I have a nine or so year old computer at home. It is dying. My monitor goes blank on and off. It takes about 45 minutes for me to do anything, including posting here. It is time for me to go into the 21st century.

I will be in the market for a laptop in the $600 range. I have to do my research.  I have some wiggle room but will try to get a deal.

I am feeling a bit better today. Maybe it is because I am not working in a dungeon. I didn't sleep very well, this picking my brother up from work at midnight is possibly making me a bit loopy. I'll take it though. Sunlight does work wonders.

I am going to speak to Secret Sister about going to the hospital every other day. I did go last night and will go tonight. He seemed a bit better. He was trying to con me into giving him water but other than that, he was OK. He can't drink a lot because they are concerned about the sodium levels in his body. Sodium will keep the brain from swelling and Dad doesn't really understand after being told otherwise that sodium is bad. I refused to give in even though he was calling me a name.  He was still a bit confused and he is having a lot of trouble doing things like using his cell phone. His drain might have come out and if so, he might be moved out of the ICU to a normal hospital room.

I have been eating OK, when I have been eating. Between the heat and stuff, I haven't had much of an appetite. I have a follow up doctors appointment with my PCP tomorrow morning. No major headaches, despite the stress, must be the Topamax, when I remember to take it. Oops.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Sweltering Mind

Another hot day in Boston today. The temperature setting in my car said 103 degrees today. That is hot for Boston.

I started my day making sure the rent for Dad’s apartment was paid for July. Once that was done, I went to visit Dad. He is convinced he is in a torture center. Seriously, he is asking for an investigation into the torturing that has been going on. I hate listening to it because there wasn’t any torture happening. In the first day in the ICU, they had to restrain his hands so he would not pull out the drain in his brain and they were a bit confused about his CPAP and they stopped him from adjusting it. That was his torture. He wasn’t quite as mean today but he called the previous nurse from yesterday a name, even though she was not involved in either incident.

I hate seeing him like this. It is not him and if this is what he will become, I am not sure I can take it. His meanness and bitterness is too much. He used to talk about death all the time but now, he is just mean. It just makes me want to cry. He doesn’t even want to listen to me. I seem to have to handle everything so if it is not me, no one else will do it.

I go back to work tomorrow. Back to some sense of normalcy.

I have to pick my brother up from work tonight so it is going to be a late night for me. As I don’t have air conditioning in my apartment, I am going to go and sit under a fan.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Bad Day but also Blogiversary

My day started out ok. I met friends at the Chowderfest on City Hall Plaza.  I wasn’t a huge fan of the chowder this year but it was good to hang around with friends to get my mind off of Dad. We went to Houston’s for some wine after and I laughed.

Then I went to the hospital.

Dad did not have a good day today. He was grumpy and mean.  He told me to “be gone”. He flunked his physical therapy test. He could not sit up nor walk. It is going to be a long road back to normal.

When I got home, I could not choose between ice cream or alcohol. The low fat Friendly’s Maple Walnut won out.

I am off tomorrow. I was planning on doing something fun but instead I will be going to the hospital and doing some errands.

Two years ago, I started this blog. It is hard to believe, I have kept up with it for 2 years. I have come a ways in 2 years but still, the shadow lurks and comes out now and then.  Today, is one of those days. It is something I will be battling for a while. I wonder if it will ever go away.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Not the way I wanted my holiday weekend to go

I got a call around midnight Thursday night from my brother saying that my father had been found on the floor of the apartment and was being taken to the emergency room by an ambulance.  I went to the emergency room to find Dad hooked up to so many machines with five nurses around him.

He was bleeding in his brain. At 6 pm he seemed fine when he talked to his neighbor, but by 11, he was on the floor. Then the doctor gave me the choice of his staying at the local hospital or being taken into Boston to Brigham & Women’s hospital, I said he’ll go in Boston.

He has been in the neurology ICU since Thursday night with 1 on 1 nursing care. He was out of it yesterday but the nurse had him in a chair today when I was there and he was with it and talking. He looked better. He  still has a drain in his brain and is hooked up to a bunch of different machines and is in the ICU but he is doing better.

This is not really how I had planned to get him into a Boston hospital with better doctors but if it helps him, and it will, I will be happy. With Dad in the hospital, I have been a bit depressed lately. I was trying to hold it together but I was worried Dad would die. When I went to see Mom, she smiled but would not talk to me. It was all just overwhelming.

I am going to go to the Chowderfest with friends tomorrow before going to the hospital. That will take my mind off of things for a bit.

My 2 year blogiversary is tomorrow!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Aroa Chocolate - Boston

I went on my first ever chocolate tasting last night and I think I will be checking them out more often.

Aroa is a cute chocolate shop in Boston’s South End that sells and makes their own chocolate.  I liked the cool layout of the store.


The chocolate tasting was $12 and included a detailed talk on the chocolate making process and 4 chocolate sample. I really liked the chocolate. There were two small bars, one of milk and one of dark chocolate, and 2 flavored pieces.


After the talk, we had an opportunity to see the back of the store where they make the chocolate. I have always like the how-to TV shows and I loved looking at the chocolate melting machines.



Unfortunately, the chocolate was really out of my budget but I did get a small white chocolate bar to enjoy later.

The only real downside to the nice was the person sitting next to me. He decided it was the night to make fun of my accent and really give me details about how rude the natives of Boston area. He explained how we walk in front of people not caring about the people in the back of us. He also thought we have no grocery store common sense.

I was really taken aback. I can understand a little playful teasing about my accent. I do have a bit of an accent but really, in what world is it good manners to go on like that? He said that “people don’t do that where I am from”. I asked where that was and he said “Canada, north of Detroit.”  Life is just better up there, he said. That’s nice. What is your rude self doing here then? Please go home.

I don’t want to inflict him on my Canadian readers either. Happy Canada Day to you!

One more day to the long weekend. I hope to catch some fireworks somewhere this weekend. I am not going into Boston though to see them.