Sunday, February 28, 2010

Worries

This weekend has been full of worries. I went to visit Mom on Saturday and she could not remember me. I knew that this day was coming. It has been 8 years in the making. I just did not want to face it. Trying to get Mom to talk is hard. Very hard. I ask her questions and she looks at me with a blank expression on her face.
I could not get her to put down her cards when I came in. I put my arm across the cards and she put the cards on top and under my arm. It did not phase her at all. Finally, she put the cards down, but she was not very lucid and getting her to talk was hard.
I left after 40 minutes. I could not watch Mom like that.
Then today, I talked to Dad. He is not feeling well at all and sounded bad. He lost something that is important to both of us and was afraid to tell me. He also fell and messed up his shoulder. I am really worried about him.
I don't know who to worry about more.

Friday, February 26, 2010

New Food Friday

Today was accidentally a new food Friday. For breakfast, I had Nature's Path Maple & Cinnamon waffles. I had bought these yesterday because my local Hannaford's was sold out of Van's Maple Fusion and Organic Flax waffles. My only choice would have been the mini-waffles then I saw these. They were good! I may have to eat them more often. I am always up for waffles! Today's featured Tap'n Apple butter one them with a banana on the side. So good! For lunch, I had fish chowder from a local bagel shop and it was good. Then for dinner, I forgot to take something out of the freezer for dinner, so I had some Al Dente Whole Wheat blend with Flax fettuccine with some Barilla Spicy Marinara. It was pretty good. I got it in a basket I got a work at Christmas. I am glad I like it because there is a lot left. This week's theme was using what I have in the pantry. Milk, eggs, apple butter, veggies bread...I don't want to buy more unless the old stuff is used. I have done well so far. I've been thinking a lot about Mom today. I talked about her in therapy and it has been on my mind since. In side news, Boots, cat extraordinaire, is now on Facebook. In a fit of wackiness last night, I decided he needed a profile. He was also added to Catbook. What have I become! He has some friends too, besides me.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Mosi's Mooses

Being a die hard Patriot's fan, today was a sad day. Mosi Tatupu died.
Some of the best memories I have was listening to the game on radio, as Sullivan Stadium did not sell out and the games were blacked out, with my Dad.
You will be missed, Mosi, by this longtime Patriots fan.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tuesdays are LOST

My Tuesday nights will be taken up with my LOST obsession for the next 7 or so weeks. I am really liking the new season. I miss the old Locke though and my hatred of Jack continues. That hour from 9 -10 is mine. People know not to disturb me during this time. Then, me and Dad hash it out and discuss it after 10. Boots has been in rare kitty form tonight. I was trying to do some exercises with the resistance band and when I was using it on my arms, he was batting it and attacking it. Then, I decided to take a picture of my attempt at Entrelac, which I learned this weekend at The Creative Stitch in Hingham. I am knitting with Noro Silk Garden and Boots is obsessed with it. He has actively tried to get at it. He generally leaves me alone knitting now and just lays on my lap but with the Noro, he goes full tilt. He tries to snag a check whenever he has the opportunity. I push him away and there he is again. He was trying to eat it as I took this picture: I am looking forward to the other colors in this skein. This is my first time knitting with Noro. I have been thinking about the fashion stuff from yesterday. I really want to look better. I have been forgoing makeup since I have been wicked late lately and my clothes are not very good. I need to go shopping. I hate shopping because the stuff never quite fits right. I get frustrated easily. I also want stylish clothes. I have to do some What Not to Wear investigation.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fashion Help

So, I have been feeling a little frumpy lately and I need to get some style back desperately. I have been neglecting makeup and my clothes are old and not good.
I love the clothes at IGIGIi.com. There are some cool sexy dresses on there that I want.
This one is really pretty and red is my color but where would I wear it? Definitely not something to wear to the local pub and I don't go anywhere fancy.
This one is sexy and I think it would look good on me. I wish there was a better color but once again, where would I wear it? This one possibly could be worn to work.
I like this one. A lot. Could be worn at work and out of work.
I need to start to go to events where I could wear this type of stuff. There are lots of other stuff that I would love to wear at IGIGI. I am on the quest for clothes that look good on me.
Tonight on the T, I was sitting next to a woman who was talking to her boyfriend, standing in front of her. Almost every word out of her was a criticism from "You always make things up" to "What do you know?" I hated listening to it.
I had a good eating day today. I got my vegetables, whole grains, protein, oil. I even worked out on the elliptical for 40 minutes tonight. I was even content and somewhat happy today even with the jackhammering.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Another Weekend Gone

Nothing much to say about this weekend except that I very rarely stopped. I had an action packed weekend and I need another weekend to recover. Today was just non-stop. It started out to breakfast with Secret Sister. I had some apple cinnamon pancakes, which was all I ate today. Then off to knitting and then to get my car vacuumed and cleaned. I had an issue with a rogue plant last night and it got all over the floor. Then it was off to drop something off at Dad's.
I did not even have time to check my email. I felt out of touch.
Right now, I have a head ache. It is probably going to be an early night.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Good news!

Finally, some good news on my parents. My grandmother's will finished probate today and hopefully their days at the food pantry are over. The last few years have been really rough between Mom going into a nursing home, the problems with my sister, lots of financial issues.... It is good to hear. There's been a dark cloud the last few years and the sun is peaking through! Today was a much better eating day than yesterday.
Today's Log
Breakfast: 385
Oats, rolled, old fashioned
0.5 Cup
160
Milk, 1%, w/add vit A & D
1 Cup
110
Raisins, seedless
40 Each
62
Sugar, brown, packed
3 Teaspoons
52
Lunch: 375
Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran & Whole Wheat Wrap
1 Each
70
Lunchmeat, ham, baked, home style, svg
2 Each
120
Lunchmeat, turkey breast, w/o skin, smkd, deli meat
4 Ounces
100
Oranges, all types, fresh, sections
1 Cup
85
Dinner: 599
Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran & Whole Wheat Wrap
1 Each
70
Egg
2 Servings
154
Olives, calamata, w/o pits
5 Each
53
Mushrooms, fresh, med
5 Each
20
Peppers, bell, med, fresh
1.333 Each
40
Oil, canola
0.667 Tablespoon
83
Kraft 2% Delux American Cheese
3 Slices
180
Snacks: 110
Oikos Caramel Greek Yogury
1 Serving
110

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Dating Insecurities

I have had a profile on Match for a few days and have yet to wink or write anyone. It brings up all of the old insecurities. Up until tonight that is. I really have to get over this fear of rejection. Tonight, I winked at few profiles. Tomorrow, I will probably do the same. I just have to do it. If they don't respond then oh well. I don't really understand okCupid but it is free. I am not sure why in the back of mind I think I am not good enough for someone. I am a good catch. Rich is missing out. I am funny, smart, not too bad looking, friendly... Sometimes I just can't get rid of the ugly thinking. Maybe I should just ask someone out. That would really be progress! The jack hammering at work was non-stop until about 3 pm today. I have a horrible headache. I think that partially causes my thinking. When I don't feel good physically, my mind sometimes follows. Today was a bad eating day. I had a training class this morning and was running late getting there and there were muffins, etc and I caved out of hunger. I had a ham and cheese sandwich with a small bag of Lays chips and a banana for lunch. I had a bagel and cream cheese for dinner. Tomorrow will be better, I promise!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Stigma of Depression

This weekend, after grocery shopping, I listened to NPR's On the Media driving home. They discussed the DSM for mental illnesses and part of it talked about PMDD and depression. They interviewed a woman who said she wanted to be diagnosed with PMDD instead of depression because depression carries a stigma. As someone who suffers from depression, I have not felt a stigma. I have suffered from depression a good portion of my life and as I have talked about before, it is constantly around the corner like a shadow that stalks me. I am told by people who care about me, that my body language showed depression, low self esteem, etc. It hurt me to hear this but it was true. When I first started to date Rich, it felt like a relief to let go of my little secret. How he thought it about, he never told me. I am more open about my difficulties and it has really helped me. Do I introduce myself as "Hi, I am Jen with depression", no. Am I concerned that some bureaucrat in health insurance may deny me coverage because of it, maybe, but other than that I don't really think I am stigmatized by depression. As long as I take my medicine and go to counseling, I feel better and you would not know now by looking at me. It just makes me wonder. I have thought about what I heard a lot. Sometimes, I think a little too much.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Back into the dating world

I am ready to hop back into the Boston dating scene. I rejoined Match tonight and after reading a blog where someone talked about OkCupid, I joined that too. I'll keep everyone up to date on my luck but I am not expecting much. My last Match experience, outside of Rich, which did not finish well, went badly. I did buy the mattress today. I should arrive on Tuesday. I have some bedroom cleaning to do before then. I am going to keep this short tonight. I am not feeling well. My ear hurts and the pressure in my head is building. I hope I am not getting sick.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Adventures in Mattress Shopping

I will admit it. I am thinking of buying a Serta mattress partially because I love the Serta sheep. Even if you aren't a wool loving knitter, how can you not think they are cute? I laid down on a number of beds. Frankly, at Sleepy's, I felt like I was buying a car again. The pressure was hard. I was surprised he did not bring his manager over to talk to me like they did at some of the car dealerships last year. I decided to go back to the place that gave me the least pressure and had the Serta mattress that I felt was most comfortable. Tomorrow, I will be stopping by Cardi's and buying a Serta. Finally, comfortable soft sleeping. I had a busy day, when I wasn't lying around on mattresses. I got my car inspected and the oil changed. I got my hair cut. I ate lunch at Tennessee's BBQ because I was hungry and it was getting late. I came home, was watching Harry Potter and a bit of the Olympics. Apolo Ohno is my new crush. I was in my penguin pajamas by 7:30 pm and had a 15 pound cat on my leg by 7:45. It is cute having Boots sprawled out on my thigh but after an hour or so, I can't feel my thigh. He gives me the evil eye when I tried to move. Boots transferred himself to the top of the couch and was giving me the evil eye all night. I captured him as he was about to give a big kitty cat yawn.
I have not posted pictures of Boots in a while and tonight, felt like the night. Notice, the blind is up to give him prime perching view of the outside. I love when he makes the hunting chirping noises at animals outside.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Memories of dogs and toilet paper

Today's Cute Overload bought back some bad memories from a kid. The picture, not the one above, showed a dog and a cat who got into a lot of toilet paper.
When I was about 9 or so, we had a dog that got into the toilet paper and I was gathering it up. The trail ended under my bed. I stuck my head under the bed. The dog and the toilet paper were under there and when I reached for the roll, the dog took a swipe across my face.
My Mom told me it looked like a horror movie. There was blood everywhere and I came running out into the hall and probably passed out. I went to the hospital in an ambulance and thank goodness for the plastic surgeon on duty that night because it is barely noticeable today.
When I got home, Mom covered the mirrors because she thought I would be afraid to see my severely swollen face. I was very very luck that he missed my eye by millimeters. My parents told me the dog went to the farm. Little did I know it was the big farm in the sky. I was upset that the dog was gone.
Seeing that picture just brought back a flood of memories.
I still love you Cute Overload though!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I am going to Blogher 10!

I am going to Blogher '10 in New York City! I am excited. I just bought my ticket to go and now I need to do the hotel room but I can't wait. It is my first blogging conference.Are you going? If you are, let me know. Today, at least here in Massachusetts, was the snowstorm that wasn't. Sure, it is snowing now but all day, and I worked from home and had the news on, they kept saying the snow was coming, that we'd get a foot of snow, that the end was near, but none of it came true. We maybe are getting 3. I did make some oatmeal made with milk, a banana and Teddie peanut butter. I loved it! So creamy and filling. For lunch, I had corn tortillas with re-fried beans and cheese and I made sort of a quesadilla. Since I was working from home today, I decided to make split pea soup with ham. It was great! Unfortunately, my camera died. I will get new batteries in the morning.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Pre-Valentine's Day Musings

I've been in a thinking mood today. A tenant of mine gave me noise reducing headphones to wear during the constant jackhammering. This allowed me to do a little thinking because while not totally gone, the noise was less with the headphones.
Sometimes when I think, I think too much. It tends to lead me down the road to being depressed and I could feel it happening today. I was starting to feel sorry for myself. I was starting to beat myself up. I caught it before it really took off.
I was thinking of Valentine's Day next week. I was thinking that I don't really want to be in a relationship with anyone. It's not really that I feel ugly or unlovable but it is a combination of self-preservation and just not wanting it period.
I don't want to let my guard down and be hurt yet again. I don't like attention.
I always lose site of myself when I am in a relationship. Once again I was told that Rich sucked the life out of me and that I was not myself when I was with him. I didn't think that but I spent too much time trying to make him happy that I forgot about myself. I was so afraid of being dumped and alone that I lost sight of myself.
I need to think about it as I debate jumping back into the dating pool.
By the way, it sucks to be a single 30 something woman in Boston. The dating scene is bad. If only I was still 21 then it would be great.
I ate ok today. Lots of fruit and vegetables. I got some oil in. I may have a snack during LOST tonight. I am having some technical difficulties. It is not letting me past anything tonight : (

Monday, February 8, 2010

Jackhammering Day 10

All I could hear at work today was the sound of jack hammering concrete. I did manage to get out on my lunch break. I walked to Windsor Button shop and bought some Size 6 double pointed needles. It was chilly but it felt good to see the sun. This morning, I thought I would use the free oatmeal coupon I got from Starbucks. I just wanted different oatmeal and since it was free, I said, why not. For 390 calories, you get the "Perfect Oatmeal" which comes with a dried fruit packet, a nut medley and brown sugar. It was ok but I am more of a fan of the oatmeal bar at Au Bon Pain if I am lazy and don't microwave some water for my oatmeal. I was lazy this morning but it was free! I didn't even buy coffee.
Today's Log
Breakfast: 390
Perfect Oatmeal
1 Serving
140
Perfect Oatmeal Nut Medley
1 Serving
100
Perfect Oatmeal Fruit Medley
1 Serving
100
Perfect Oatmeal Brown Sugar
1 Serving
50
Lunch: 330
Healthy Choice Bacon & Smokey Cheddar
1 Each
240
Banana, fresh, sml, 6" to 6 7/8" long
1 Each
90
Dinner: 875
Mushrooms, fresh, med
5 Each
20
Peppers, bell, med, fresh
1.333 Each
40
Turkey, ground, 8% fat, raw
4 Ounces
169
Cabot Light Chedder
0.5 Cup
140
Mission Corm Tortillas
4 Pieces
220
Oil, olive, extra virgin
1 Tablespoon
126
Salsa
2 Tablespoons
10
Nonni's Tusconi
1 Each
150
Snacks: 345
Leclerc Dark Chocolate & Cranberry
1 Each
150
Oranges, all types, fresh, sections
1 Cup
85
Oikos Caramel Greek Yogurt
1 Serving
110
I really need the accountability of posting my menu so here it is again. I also went to the gym tonight and climbed the Empire State Building on the stairclimber, which burned 492 per Lose It. I don't believe that number. I felt ok today. I fell asleep watching the Puppy Bowl last night and got a lot of sleep.