I am going to be a leaf peeper this weekend. If you notice me about in Northern New England, excuse my happy behavior. This weekend involves sheep, wool, ice cream, leafs, cheese and whatever other trouble we can get in. It should be a lot of fun.
I felt a lot better over the last two days. There is a reason why I named the blog Losing the Shadow Behind Me because I like to think of it as the shadow that stalks me from around corners and dark alleys. I had a little bump in the road tonight.
I went to see Mom. She does not talk much anymore. She doesn’t recognize me. I missed her 62nd birthday when I was in Pittsburgh and I haven’t seen her so I wanted to see her. It was hard. I was asking questions but she wasn’t answering me, only staring at me with her big brown eyes. I was hard sitting with her for a half an hour.
When I leave, it takes a lot out of me. I don’t want her to hurt. I want to save myself from hurt. I go out to my car and let some of it out. I have to. It is just too overwhelming.
I miss my Mom a lot. I want to tell her about dating, my problems, everything that people tell their Mom’s about. Dad would gladly talk to me about EVERYTHING but it is not the same.
It’s also hard to talk about with people because it will depress them. It is depressing and I don’t want to be depressing. When I start talking about the ins and outs of Mom’s disease, she is not an average dementia patient, it makes me emotional and sometimes I just can’t but yet it is hard to hold things in.
I guess that is what the blog is. I have talked about Mom a lot. I probably say a lot of the same things. It is just hard watching her go downhill and I have to get it out somewhere.