Friday, October 15, 2010

Caught by the Shadow

I try to be very honest on my blog. It is my outlet and sort of therapy for me. Today was a struggle from the moment I got out of bed. I just felt that perhaps it would be better if I just stayed there. I didn’t though and managed to get out the door to get to a follow up appointment with my primary care physician.

It started with the usual check of blood pressure and weight. I saw the number on the scale and my heart sank. I was left alone waiting for the doctor in the exam room trying to control myself but failing. I started sniffling and thinking how much of a loser, good for nothing, ugly person I am and then the tears started.

I am 36. I should not be crying over my weight. The doctor came and asked what is wrong and I told her. I said that my weight was up and that number controls me. My self worth is based on that number. I was given a tissue and said, “One of the reasons why I am in therapy.”

Even though my appointment was a follow up about my taking Topamax for my headaches, which is working,we spent most of my time talking about my little breakdown. She said maybe I should see a surgeon. I said I would think about it. I got some information on a surgeon at Tufts Medical Center.

I don’t know. I told her I would think about it. I have done it before but I feel sort of alone now. It is hard to explain. My weight is going up and I have not been eating enough to gain all this weight so fast.  I don’t know what is going on with me.

On the form the center wants me fill out, it wants to know my mental health history and medications I take for it. I wonder if that will disqualify me.

At work, all that was going through my mind was how much I suck. I worked and was busy but my mind was not cooperating with me at all. I was trying to fight it but it was so persistent today.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I am still confused as to what to do but I will post some pictures. Maybe a nice hair cut and looking good will give me a kick in the self esteem department. Too bad I don’t have any plans except to get the Focus an oil change and wash my comforter at the laundry mat. I’ll look good doing that though.

I signed up to do The Race Up Boston Place for the Lung Association again this year. I’ll have something to train for. This year I want to be in better shape then last year.

2 comments:

  1. Those days are the worst-it's so hard to break away from them and feel good. I have found that on days when I'm feeling really crummy, if I style my hair (my haircuts are my splurge) and put on just a little makeup, I automatically feel better because I feel like people are looking at me differently. That's silly, and probably untrue, but it works for me...maybe a nice haircut will work for you too!

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  2. I agree. Doing my hair and putting on a little make up works for me too. Do something nice for yourself. Hope you feel better soon. :)

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