Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Be Gone

It has been one of those days. It started with Dad oversleeping for his appointment at Mass General Hospital’s Heart Center. He was supposed to pick me up at 7:30 am and when he did not show up, I called and he wasn’t even up yet. The appointment was at 9 and we made it by the skin of our teeth and some crazy driving. Sorry all the drivers we cut off!

Then work was work. They are going to be judging our productivity starting in December. I really hope it is not with a consultant. I have visions of Office Space going through my head!

I had the focus group tonight and I had some time to waste in between work and when it started, so I went to a Starbucks, grabbed some caffeine, took out the knitting project and sat down for a leisurely hour and a half of knitting.

Then I looked out of the window. Standing against the building across the street, was the poofer himself. Having not seen him since the poofing, I was a little riled up when I saw him. I had to take a big deep breath to stop myself from taking my redheaded personality a bit far. 

He looked as handsome as before and of course, that started the stupid head games. The awful thoughts about myself that I really try to avoid. I just am going to get them out here.

- You are ugly – I don’t think I am. Honestly, I am not really pretty but ugly, no.

- You deserved what he did. – Um, no. I did not. I deserve better.

- You’ll never get better, in fact, I am unlovable. – This makes me sad. My brain thinks this. My brain may think it is self preservation, but it is not. Why do I do this to myself? Why does something like this bring this up?

I am an awesome catch. Really. I am smart, intelligent, caring and I just need someone to see that.

I wanted to yell get it all out but he was not alone and I am better than that. I did walk by and I am sure he saw me. He was probably telling his coworker awful things about me. 

It’s been months since the incident and I have totally moved on but that devil would not let it go. 

It is now out and over. That is what is great out this – I can get the crazy thoughts out of my head. They may happen less often but they still lurk out there. I can write them down and they can be gone.

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