I hate the total control it has over me. I hate how it can drag me down with in seconds. I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight and when I stepped on the scale, my heart went into my stomach. From my last Weight Watchers weigh in at 261.2 to 268.2 today. Almost 8 pounds! 8 pounds! I was thinking maybe a pound or 2 but 8? Ugh.
I cried. I guess I have been big bundle of nerves lately and that number just put me over the top. My nutritionist has read my blog (Hi) and we talked about some of the things I have written about my past and why I gained weight. That also made me cry. It is just like someone turned the faucet on and then had problems getting it off. I felt bad because my nutritionist is not my therapist and I hated to start to cry and go on about that stuff but she wanted to know the whys of my weight gain.
To top it off, I have been feeling so blah about myself. I look in the mirror and I see ugliness. I thought I had really tackled these thoughts of self-hatred but they have been lurking in the shadows. How could someone love someone as ugly as me? I know it is not true but really, when I look in the mirror that little devil on my shoulder is calling myself names.
I have decided that by Blogher 11 in San Diego next August, I will lose 50 pounds. I need to work on getting that devil off of my shoulder and out of the shadows. I will not let that part of me ruin it.