Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Pre-Valentine's Day Musings

I've been in a thinking mood today. A tenant of mine gave me noise reducing headphones to wear during the constant jackhammering. This allowed me to do a little thinking because while not totally gone, the noise was less with the headphones.
Sometimes when I think, I think too much. It tends to lead me down the road to being depressed and I could feel it happening today. I was starting to feel sorry for myself. I was starting to beat myself up. I caught it before it really took off.
I was thinking of Valentine's Day next week. I was thinking that I don't really want to be in a relationship with anyone. It's not really that I feel ugly or unlovable but it is a combination of self-preservation and just not wanting it period.
I don't want to let my guard down and be hurt yet again. I don't like attention.
I always lose site of myself when I am in a relationship. Once again I was told that Rich sucked the life out of me and that I was not myself when I was with him. I didn't think that but I spent too much time trying to make him happy that I forgot about myself. I was so afraid of being dumped and alone that I lost sight of myself.
I need to think about it as I debate jumping back into the dating pool.
By the way, it sucks to be a single 30 something woman in Boston. The dating scene is bad. If only I was still 21 then it would be great.
I ate ok today. Lots of fruit and vegetables. I got some oil in. I may have a snack during LOST tonight. I am having some technical difficulties. It is not letting me past anything tonight : (

2 comments:

  1. wow reading this reminded me of how I felt my senior year of college! I think I had the best valentine's day ever when I was single!

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  2. Do something nice for yourself on the holiday...that's what I've done for the past few years. I've bought myself a clothing item that I really wanted. Celebrate the uniqueness of being YOU, and know that YOU are worthy whether you are in a relationship or not.

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